Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by Purple-Days, Aug 26, 2008.
With Apologies to Judy Collins
A blond police officer stops a blonde driver
A blonde police officer stops a blonde driver:
"You have driven too fast: let me see your driver's licence."
The blonde driver is puzzled: "What's a driver licence?"
The blonde police officer explains: "Um... you have your face on it."
The blonde driver hands the blonde police officer a mirror.
The blonde police officer looks at the mirror and salutes the blonde driver: "Sorry, I didn't recognize you were a police officer."
Q: What's the difference between a vampire with a toothache and a rainstorm?
A: One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"
Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"
God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"
Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him."
God says, “Send him back up here or I'll sue you."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?”
What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?
A receding heir line.
A woman marries a man and has 10 children.
The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children.
That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Good god! They’re finally together!"
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs...”
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe.
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
Two Jews are walking past a church. The signboard reads "Convert to Christianity today and earn $100!"
The first Jew says, "What a load of crap. Proselytizing schmucks!"
The second Jew says, "I don't know, one hundred dollars is one hundred dollars."
"You can't be serious," says the first guy.
"Watch me," says the second guy and he goes into the church. About half an hour later he comes back out.
"Well?" says his friend. "Did they give you the one hundred dollars?"
The second guy says, "Oh, it's always about the money with you people!"
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.
Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has".
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'.
Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face.
I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
My niece told me this the other day:
When geese fly in a "V" why is one side longer?
Because that side has more geese!
After having the Jews go on a fun walk through the desert for a while, God brought them to Mount Sinai.
Lighting flashes and smoke rises from the mountain.
God: I am the mighty and powerful God! Obey my ten commandments!
Hebrews: Where’s that sound coming from?
God: I’m in a cloud, on this mountain.
Hebrew: Whoa sick, I’m taking a look.
God: No! Don’t climb the mountain!
Hebrews: Why not?
God: I’ll get angry if you climb it!
Hebrews: But why though?
God: Stay down there! Just listen to Moses.
Hebrew: What’s that on the mountain? Looks like a smoke machine.
God: Pay no attention to the thing on the mountain!
Hebrews: It’s just weird because that seems like the kind of thing a street magician would say while he’s scamming you.
God: Well that’s the kind of thing a Hebrew would say before he dies.
I don't get the punchline of this joke & I'd like someone to explain it to me. Somehow it seems it's intent is to be insulting?
I'm jewish and I'm not offended.
The humor may be cultural however.
I believe it's about comparing a punishing god with the wizard of oz
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this...
Polio and Measles
Separate names with a comma.