Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by Purple-Days, Aug 26, 2008.
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 -- but then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. The officer said, "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Dogs on a coffee break.
Dog 1: "Heard a great joke"
Dog 2: "oh yeah?"
Dog 1: "knock kn-"
Dog 2 goes fucking nuts....
Damn! Now even Dog 2 can't take a fucking joke....
Oh stop screwing around Judas, you'll be the death of me.
Three men die and go to Heaven
They meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, who greets them and says "So Heaven is a vastly large place for everyone to spend the rest of eternity, and God has decided to grant vehicles to everyone upon admission, and he asks only one question, the answer to which determines what vehicle you are granted."
So St Peter goes up to the first guy and asks "How many years have you been married and how faithful was your marriage?" The first guy responds "I've been married 20 years and cheated on my wife 4 times." A rusted Geo Metro appears suddenly, St Peter gives the guy a nod, so the man gets in and scoots on through the gates.
St Peter goes up to the 2nd man and asks "How many years have you been married and how faithful was your marriage?" The 2nd man says "I've been married 40 years, and only cheated on my wife one time, but I admitted it to her and she forgave me" A Chrysler minivan suddenly appears, and the 2nd man gets in and drives through the gates.
St Peter approaches the 3rd man and asks "How many years have you been married and how faithful was your marriage?" The 3rd man lifts his head up high and boasts "I've been married 60 years and never even looked at another woman!" A mint condition Ferrari 458 appears, the 3rd man happily jumps in and speeds through the gates.
Later the first two men see the third man sitting on the ground next to his Ferrari, weeping with his head in his hands. They ask him "what's wrong?" The third man looks up and says "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"
Separate names with a comma.