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Joke thread

Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by Purple-Days, Aug 26, 2008.

  1. GreenHopper

    GreenHopper 20 going on 60

    Messages:
    1,143
    Snatch Wars (8mins) NSFW

    Click to play YouTube Video
     
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  2. Nooky72

    Nooky72 Dog Marley

    Messages:
    1,537
    Location:
    Dagobah System
  3. GreenHopper

    GreenHopper 20 going on 60

    Messages:
    1,143
    When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the 'Painless' dentist. However, a local little girl called Veronica disputed his claim.

    "He's a fake!" Veronica told her friends. "He's not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth, I bit him, and he screamed like anyone else!"
     
  4. Nooky72

    Nooky72 Dog Marley

    Messages:
    1,537
    Location:
    Dagobah System
  5. grokit

    grokit well-worn member

    Messages:
    11,687
    Location:
    the north
    Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant?
    Because Ken always came in another box.
    :party:
     
  6. Silat

    Silat When the Facts Change, I Change My Mind.

    Messages:
    931
    Location:
    Oregon
    Could be a scam. /s This is a mild one. Link after the text for some very funny letters and responses.

    Subject: Nigerian Astronaut Wants To Come Home
    Dr. Bakare Tunde
    Astronautics Project Manager
    National Space Research and Development Agency (NASRDA)
    Plot 555
    Misau Street
    PMB 437
    Garki, Abuja, FCT NIGERIA

    Dear Mr. Sir,

    REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

    I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home.

    In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access the his trust fund we need your assistance.

    Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount to your account or subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names.

    Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while 10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course.

    Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include downpayment in this financial quarter.

    Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct number 234 (0) 9-234-2220 only.

    Yours Sincerely, Dr. Bakare Tunde
    Astronautics Project Manager
    tip@nasrda.gov.ng

    http://www.nasrda.gov.ng/

    Response:
    Dear Dr Tunde,
    I am so sorry the Major has become trapped in such unfortunate circumstances. Sadly, my own are not much better. Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding I am prohibited by the judge from opening a bank account for a minimum of five years. I would go and do so under a false name, but the judge, not trusting in my word to be well behaved has forced me to wear a ankle monitor. Should I stray beyond the boundaries of my electronic tether, I will be incarcerated for a period of not less than 20 years. I wish I could assist you, but as you can see, alas it is not to be. But feel free to send me money anyway. Cash is preferred. Please remit immediately and I will gladly send you some when I am allowed out again.
    FC

    Back to reality.. :)
    If you want some laughs this very old site has them.
    Nigerian Scam Emails galore with full responses.
    http://www.ebolamonkeyman.com/
     
    SSVUN~YAH, BD9, grokit and 4 others like this.
  7. unsorted

    unsorted Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    161
    One day, while an elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard, his club fell into the water.
    When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

    The golfer replied that his
    club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.

    The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
    The golfer replied, "No."

    The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
    Again, the golfer replied, "No."

    The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" t he Lord asked.
    The golfer replied, "Yes."

    The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs

    to keep, and
    the golfer went home happy.

    Sometime later on, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, when she fell in. When he cried out, the
    Lord again
    appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

    "Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"

    The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.

    "Yes," cried the golfer.

    The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

    The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see,if I had said 'no' to Kate Upton, you would have
    come up with Jennifer Aniston. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,'
    you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that
    they deserve, that's why I said yes to Kate Upton."

    And God was pleased.

    The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!
     
  8. grokit

    grokit well-worn member

    Messages:
    11,687
    Location:
    the north
    Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump
    ...it's like comparing apples to oranges :haw:

    :myday:
     
  9. GreenHopper

    GreenHopper 20 going on 60

    Messages:
    1,143
    A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.

    An old homeless man who was wandering by stopped and said,

    "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

    She screamed, "NO! Take off you filthy old animal!"

    He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

    She didn't jump.

    Object lesson: Suicide counseling really does work. You just need to know what to say.
     
  10. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

    Messages:
    12,725
  11. His_Highness

    His_Highness In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king

    Messages:
    1,870
    Why didn't Barbie get pregnant? Ken always came in a different box.
    *---------------------*
    Two doctors working in a small town clinic had to hire a new nurse after the one that previously worked there retired. They interviewed Nurse Nora and she gave a great interview so they decided to hire her. She’d only been working at the clinic for two days when one doctor called the other into his office and said they’d have get rid of Nurse Nora.

    The second doctor asked, “Why, when we only just hired her?”

    The first doctor replied, “Well, I think she’s dyslexic and does everything backwards. For example, I told her to give Mr. Hamilton two shots of morphine every 24 hours, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. Then I told her to give Mrs. Smith an enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour.”

    The doctor had barely finished saying this when the second doctor suddenly ran out of the room.

    “Where are you going so fast?” the first doctor shouted after him.

    “To see Nurse Nora, I just told her to prick Mr. Jones’ boil!”
     
    SSVUN~YAH, momofthegoons, BD9 and 3 others like this.
  12. Nooky72

    Nooky72 Dog Marley

    Messages:
    1,537
    Location:
    Dagobah System
  13. GreenHopper

    GreenHopper 20 going on 60

    Messages:
    1,143
    The Outdoorsman:

    During his physical, the doctor asked a patient about his daily activity level.
    The patient went on to described his typical day.

    "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank
    eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive snake and took four leaks behind big trees."

    Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man".

    "No", replied the patient, "I'm just a shitty golfer".
     
  14. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

    Messages:
    12,725
  15. GreenHopper

    GreenHopper 20 going on 60

    Messages:
    1,143
    US Marine on Train

    The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

    The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

    The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under the yapping dog.

    "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

    She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

    This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the yapping dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, it appears you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
     
  16. Buzzbomb Almighty

    Buzzbomb Almighty Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    330
    The guy that invented predictive text died last night....
    his funfair will be held next monkey.
     
  17. Nooky72

    Nooky72 Dog Marley

    Messages:
    1,537
    Location:
    Dagobah System
  18. unsorted

    unsorted Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    161
  19. GreenHopper

    GreenHopper 20 going on 60

    Messages:
    1,143
  20. ChooChooCharlie

    ChooChooCharlie Hobo

    Messages:
    518
    Location:
    Big Rock Candy Mountains
    March 17th oldie but goodie:

    An English lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. The Brit thinks he's wiser than the Irishman and tries to give him the business...


    Cop: "License registration, please."

    Lawyer: "What for?"
    Cop: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

    Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
    Cop: "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

    Lawyer: "What's the difference?"
    Cop: "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, tat's the law, sir. License and registration PLEASE!"

    Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, I'll be on my way, Paddy".

    Cop: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
    (Lawyer exits vehicle. Cop takes out night stick, starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer).

    Cop: "Now, do ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
     
  21. Vapor_Eyes

    Vapor_Eyes The map is not the territory

    Messages:
    1,826
    Location:
    On Demand Convection Land
    I tried to write a joke about running out of shatter but I couldn't concentrate.
     
  22. Buzzbomb Almighty

    Buzzbomb Almighty Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    330
    The man who invented predictive text died, his funfair is next monkey.
     
    SSVUN~YAH, grokit, Vapor_Eyes and 4 others like this.
  23. yogoshio

    yogoshio Annoying Libertarian

    Messages:
    613
    Location:
    NW Indiana-just outside Chicago
    On a Monday morning, two coworkers were talking about their weekends.

    Man1: I had the biggest Freudian slip this weekend. I was taking my wife to Pittsburgh for a trip, and we went to the train station. At the counter was a woman with just massive breasts, and her shirt was NOT hiding them at all. I tried my best to ignore it, but then I said "Can we get two pickets to tittsburgh?" Oh, I was so embarrassed!

    Man2: I had the same thing happen! Sunday morning my wife was bringing me breakfast, and I meant to ask for the syrup, but all that came out was, 'Hey you stupid bitch, you ruined my life!'
     
  24. Buzzbomb Almighty

    Buzzbomb Almighty Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    330
    Double post on the same page six weeks apart, I blame dope. Sorry about that.

    Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry has obviously never been hit in the face with a turnip.
     
  25. Milkinson

    Milkinson uh oh

    Messages:
    28
    Location:
    The Shire
    why did the girl fall off the swing?

    >>> because she had no arms
    :doh:
     

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