Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by Purple-Days, Aug 26, 2008.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
What's the difference between having a salad and having sex?
Where you put the cucumber.
A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
I want to open up a place called Resolutions.
For the first 3 days of January it will be a gym.
The rest of the year it will be a bar.
A jewish guy walks into a synagogue and goes straight over to the rabbi. He says: "Rabbi, I need help. I have a big problem with my son. I did all that I could to raise him in the faith. I took him to Sabbath services every Saturday, and sent him to Hebrew school after regular school every Wednesday. He had a bar mitzvah. I sent him on a trip to Israel. I even sent him to seminary college for Jews. Yesterday, he came to me and said that he wanted to convert and become a Christian!"
The rabbi replies: "You know, it's funny that you should come to me about this! I also have a son that I did all I could to raise as a Jew. I brought him to temple every Saturday. He went to Hebrew school after regular school too. He had a bar mitzvah, visited Israel, and went to seminary college as well. He too came to me and said that he wanted to convert and become a Christian!"
The jewish guy inquires: "Well, what did you do about it?"
The rabbi tells him that he asked God about it.
"Well, what did God say?" asks the guy.
God said: "You know it's funny you should come to me about this!"
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
Spoiler: God replied,
"Fool, I sent you two boats!"
Ever get cold hands? Does it affect your typing speed or accuracy? I answered yes to both... little did I know, others felt the same way!
Olden but golden.....
Apology Letter To Spouse To My Dearest Sweetheart,
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something. I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season. Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights! I took the time to hang the lights for you today; and now I will be off to play some golf...
Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I'll be home late.
Hi Stud muffin,
Thank you for that heart-felt apology. I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it. I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize. I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy. I will try to respect your feelings from now on. Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot. In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you; and now I am off to the mall.
I love you too!
This has probably been my favourite joke for 20 years.
A travelling salesman is out on a country trip when his car breaks down in the pouring rain. Since he can't get reception on his phone he decides to hike to the closest farmhouse & seek help.
After his several mile hike he arrives at the farmhouse absolutely drenched & peers through the front window. Like a vision of an angel a beautiful woman appears & starts playing with her nipples & pointing at her watch. Gaining a raging hard on the salesman thinks he might be onto a good thing but his hopes fade when a man appears hugging on his cock & holding an umbrella. This has turned a bit kinky for the salesman so he decides to seek help elsewhere.
After another few miles of walking he spots a farmer coming down the road on his tractor & flags him down. After engaging in small talk he asked the farmer if he knew the kinky couple down the road & explained what he had seen? "Oh you're talking about Bob & Denise the deaf & dumb couple. She is saying it's time to go & milk the cows & he said get fucked it's raining."
Appreciated all the tears and chuckles, you all.
From the heart of my bottom.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under the yapping dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the yapping dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, it appears you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
The hung stud was humpin his buddy's wife when she suddenly said "Quick jump out the window, my husband's back!".
So, slinging out the window, he finds himself running the Boston Marathon, with aplomb.
Soon the astonished runner next to him said, "Hey, buddy? Can I ask a question.
Do you always run in the buff?"
"Yup", he replied.
---After some silence, the guy again asked, "& do you always wear a condom when you run the marathon?"
"Only when it looks like rain", he said.
There was a foursome that lost a member and the group asked George if he wanted to play. "Sure" he said, "What time?". The told him to meet them at 8:00 Saturday. George replied "I'll be there. But, just to let you know, I might be five minutes late."
On Saturday, George was there at exactly 8:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 5 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for some time. Each time George saying that he may be 5 minutes late. Once there, then always winning the round--left OR right handed.
The others in the foursome got tired of losing and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be five minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look down at my Johnson and decide from there."
"What do you mean?"
"If my one-eyed-spitting-python-of-love is flopped over on the left, I play left handed. If flopped to the right, right handed."
"What if it's sticking straight up?"
"That's when I'm five minutes late."
I just got asked if DDave Ships Discreetly? Seriously! I take your privacy HELLA-SERIOUSLY!
As everyone knows, I ship USPS, please note that nowhere on this vehicle do you see the name DDave!
Lunar Landing - July 20, 1969 - Previously Unreleased Outtake from Live Broadcast
Separate names with a comma.