Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by Purple-Days, Aug 26, 2008.
Farmer and his wife go to town. She to the mercantile. Him to the blacksmith.
Blacksmith had just pulled a shoe out of the forge, and it had just come back to color.
Farmer looking at this and that, picked up the horseshoe, which he put back down real fast.
Blacksmith thought it was funny said, "Hot huh?".
Farmer says, "Just don't take me long to look at a horseshoe." Doc
Overheard in the Divorce Court:
Judge: Minnie, are you sure you want to divorce Micky, you two are an American institution: and it's just because Micky is having mental health issues?
Minnie: Your Honor, I didn't say Micky was insane. I said he was fucking Goofy!
I never wanted to fart in church because you had to sit in your own pew.
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to have a go?”
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”
Roy Moore, Al Franken and Donald Trump walk into a bar ...
Franken says, "I am going to go tell that beautiful woman a joke."
Trump says, "I am going to go grab that beautiful woman by the ....."
And Moore says, "I am going to go ask that beautiful woman if she has a daughter.
So, does your vape look like this?
Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”
“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, “The asshole had a paper route.”
A blonde and her husband are watching the news.....
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn’t open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know its sad, but people need to know that there’s a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that’s a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Air Force pilot fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said
The Navy pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Army aviator started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties..
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
He replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins.......
CNN: Was Weinstein as bad as your husband?
Hillary: Close, but no cigar.
Some North Dakota bungee jumpers keep hearing about a bridge down in Mexico that all you have to do is drive on to the middle and tie your bungee cord on the rail and you have a 100 foot jump.
They saved their money, and one day they drove down there. They got all connected up, and the first guy jumped. When he came bouncing back up he was all beat to shit. They grabbed him and pulled him on the bridge.
“What the hell happened?” One said.
He screamed “I don’t know, What’s a piñata?”
A Canadian who had never been to Mexico, nor ever eaten Mexican food decided to vacation in Mexico City.
He traveled to a small village in the foot hills. First night he decided to have a nice dinner, so he went into a restaurant and sat down.
Not knowing what to order, he looked around at what other people were eating. The fella next to him had this huge plate of food that looked delicious.
The waiter came and asked if he could help him.
“I’ll have what he’s having,” he said.
“Oh, Senior, that is a special dish, we have a daily bull fight, and that is the bull’s testicles. We only have one order a day. I can save you tomorrows order.”
“Great I’ll be back then,” he says.
Next day he is back, looking forward to the meal.
Waiter sets the plate in front of him.
He notices the dish is much smaller, and he asks why.
The waiter looks him in the eye, and says “Senior, sometimes the bull wins.”
Man who makes mistake on elevator is wrong on so many levels.
In the spring, a lot of hunters around here go out in the woods and plant rye grass to get the deer to hang out next deer season. Well, these two guys were out walking the deer trails sprinkling rye grass seeds. They came upon a small hole in the ground. You couldn't see the bottom, so they threw a cinder block down it, but couldn't hear it hit bottom. They stand there looking in the hole, and all of a sudden a goat comes running out of the woods and jumps in the hole.
This farmer comes along calling "Queenie". "Have you guys seen my goat?"
They tell him about the goat jumping down the hole. He says
"That's impossible, I had him tied to a cinder block."
Wife calls yesterday and tells me that three of the girls at the office just got delivered flowers for Valentine's day. "They're gorgeous." she tells me.
"That's probably why they received flowers then." I replied.
Separate names with a comma.