1. What does SSTB mean? See our glossary of acronyms.
    Dismiss Notice

Joke thread

Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by Purple-Days, Aug 26, 2008.

  1. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

    Messages:
    12,725
    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

    On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

    The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

    Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
     
    Silat, OldNewbie, turk and 8 others like this.
  2. Morty

    Morty Well-Zoned Member

    Messages:
    407
    Why was Jesus so popular with women ? Because he was "hung" like this...

    [​IMG]
     
    BeardedCrow, Nooky72, BD9 and 5 others like this.
  3. Morty

    Morty Well-Zoned Member

    Messages:
    407
    "...hung like this big" is what I meant to say. Fuck! I blew it! :doh: :disgust: (and why did I put quotation marks around hung ? :shrug:) Goddamnit! Mods, sorry for the double post. Please merge, or better yet, please delete. Fuck it, even better still, just delete my account. Lame. :nod: Maybe I shouldn't post while all sauced up on papa's medicine. :cheers: There ya go people. There's the joke, my stupid dumb ass. :dog:
     
    Nooky72, Bdubbdiblets, BD9 and 6 others like this.
  4. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

    Messages:
    12,725
  5. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

    Messages:
    12,725
  6. His_Highness

    His_Highness In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king

    Messages:
    1,870
    There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found.

    As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.

    Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
     
    macbill, Squiby, BD9 and 6 others like this.
  7. DDave

    DDave Vape Wizard Accessory Maker

    Messages:
    3,791
    Location:
    Judge the Vaper by the Vapor
  8. DDave

    DDave Vape Wizard Accessory Maker

    Messages:
    3,791
    Location:
    Judge the Vaper by the Vapor
    Really?

    [​IMG]

    Now this has the DDave wondering what's in the other 7%? :puke:
     
    Reflections, BD9, macbill and 7 others like this.
  9. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

    Messages:
    12,725
  10. Nooky72

    Nooky72 Dog Marley

    Messages:
    1,537
    Location:
    Dagobah System
  11. GreenHopper

    GreenHopper 20 going on 60

    Messages:
    1,143
    CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!!

    Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield, IL) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the child wouldn't be all that spicy.

    Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could use this stuff to remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300lb woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
    **Note: I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

    Judge # 3 - No Report
     
    BD9, BeardedCrow, Nooky72 and 6 others like this.
  12. grokit

    grokit well-worn member

    Messages:
    11,693
    Location:
    the north
    The doctor gave me 4 months to live.
    The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.


    An atom loses an electron...
    "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
     
    Morty, BD9, macbill and 9 others like this.
  13. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

    Messages:
    12,725
    A little post Halloween humor...

    [​IMG]
     
    Morty, BD9, macbill and 8 others like this.
  14. OldNewbie

    OldNewbie Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    629
    A man was sitting with his buddy having some lunch when talk turned to his military service.

    "You were a paratrooper in the Army, right?" asked the man.

    "Well, I got out a little early for...reasons." the other replied.

    "What happened?"

    "We were getting ready to make our first jump out of an actual airplane. I was hooked to the static line and was moving down to the door when the first man jumped out yelling 'Geronimo!'. I see the next jump out yelling "Remember the Alamo!" Then, he's gone. So on and so forth with an "America, Fuck Yea!" and a "Don't Tread on Me!" thrown in. It was wonderful. But, when I got to the door myself, I froze."

    "Goodness! Froze?"

    "Yea, I got up to the door and I simply could not throw myself out of a perfectly fine airplane. The jump master came up and told me 'There are two ways for you to get down to the ground. One is for you to jump and the other is for you and I to take the long flight back to the ground alone together. And, I must warn you, I'm gay.'"

    "Sakes alive, did you jump?"

    "A little....at first."
     
    BD9, macbill, Squiby and 2 others like this.
  15. Silat

    Silat When the Facts Change, I Change My Mind.

    Messages:
    931
    Location:
    Oregon
    I am partial to GSD's but love a good lab....

    [​IMG]
     
    BD9, Nooky72, invertedisdead and 8 others like this.
  16. macbill

    macbill Gregarious Misanthrope

    Messages:
    2,684
    Location:
    The Evergreen State
    A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
     
    TeeJay1952, Morty, BD9 and 3 others like this.
  17. OldNewbie

    OldNewbie Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    629
    Trump joke:
    What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
    Juan on Juan.

    Hillary joke:
    A government report reveals Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary's recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination.
     
    Morty, BD9, momofthegoons and 5 others like this.
  18. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

    Messages:
    12,725
  19. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

    Messages:
    12,725
  20. Nooky72

    Nooky72 Dog Marley

    Messages:
    1,537
    Location:
    Dagobah System
  21. GreenHopper

    GreenHopper 20 going on 60

    Messages:
    1,143
    Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

    "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

    Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

    "Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy.

    If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."
     
    His_Highness, BD9, Squiby and 5 others like this.
  22. Nooky72

    Nooky72 Dog Marley

    Messages:
    1,537
    Location:
    Dagobah System
  23. OldNewbie

    OldNewbie Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    629
    Click to play YouTube Video
     
  24. grokit

    grokit well-worn member

    Messages:
    11,693
    Location:
    the north
    A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

    The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

    She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

    The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

    The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

    The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

    The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

    The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

    The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.

    He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

    The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

    “First class isn’t going to Sydney.“

    :party:
     
  25. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

    Messages:
    12,725

Support FC, visit our trusted friends and sponsors