Joke thread

[Bologna]

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but a Saran Wrap diaper. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says I can clearly see you’re nuts.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Poor guy really needed some space.

What do you call a giant pile of cats...

Spoiler: ..?

A Meowntain.

 

[Vitolo]

 

[Bologna]

The Ultimate Jiminy Glick (Martin Short) Roasting Celebs Supercut

 

[vapviking]

Guy walks into his psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I'm having strange dreams.
Last night I dreamt I was a teepee, and before that I was a wigwam. What does it mean?"
"You're two tents."

 

[macbill]

 

[Ramahs]

Ha ha ha, this was funny

 

[bulllee]

 

[macbill]

Bad Joke Tuesday
A factory producing frozen Chinese dumplings is reported to have suffered the worst case of arson in recent history, presumed to be the work of a disgruntled worker.

The police chief said he had never seen a case of such wonton destruction.

 

[gangababa]

A Man Was Seated Next To An Older Woman On An Airplane,​

and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The old woman, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,

"What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know,' said the man. "How about how they stole the election in 2020 and Donald Trump should be president."

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The man, visibly surprised by the old woman's question, thinks about it and says, "Hmm, I have no idea."

To which the old woman replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss politics, when you don't know shit?"

 

[Bologna]

My kids were never this rude/obnoxious (and I never really rocked a goatee either ), but I was certainly guilty of this, or something very much like it CONSTANTLY all throughout their childhood, and still am to some degree....:

Louis CK ("I'm Bored" + Rocking Out to The Who)

(I miss Louie...)

Edit:

Ok, one more... perfect!:

Louie - Coffee shop scene

 

[florduh]

 

[macbill]

 

[Bologna]

 

[bulllee]

 

[florduh]

https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1713359687431663701

 

[Vitolo]

 

[florduh]

 

[florduh]

 

[CANtalk]

 

[Vitolo]

 

[Marlon Rando]

 

[macbill]

 

[gangababa]

Obligatory joke:
Did you here, hear of the meeting of Past, Present. and Future, taking place now?

Sounds in the air are words in the ear and words in the ear are ideas in the mind.
Ideas in the mind are knowledge in 'consciousness'.
Consciousness does not need words and labels and names in mind to be the locus of all knowing.
But minds also love to be lost in chicken-egg, Mobius-mazes of who's on first, in the cause-effect barbell-marvels of worlds bouncing off of each other, just for the sport of the game.

The meeting will be tense.

 

[Marlon Rando]

 

[vapviking]

Obligatory joke:
Did you here, hear of the meeting of Past, Present. and Future, taking place now?

Sounds in the air are words in the ear and words in the ear are ideas in the mind.
Ideas in the mind are knowledge in 'consciousness'.
Consciousness does not need words and labels and names in mind to be the locus of all knowing.
But minds also love to be lost in chicken-egg, Mobius-mazes of who's on first, in the cause-effect barbell-marvels of worlds bouncing off of each other, just for the sport of the game.

The meeting will be tense.

Ha!
Usually a 'pregnant pause' is sufficient before the punchline, but your word soup is effective!
Great joke. Even the setup question works as a stand-alone.