Okay, you're a passive aggressive asshole sometimes, but it's becoming more your full-time mode and I don't know how to handle it. I am sick of you punishing your girlfriend and picking fights where there are none. You and I have been friends for 11 years, and I can say for sure the escalation is all on your part dude. You may never be able to accept that the problem is both the escalation that only exists in your head and they way you act. Telling someone to stop yelling at you when they are speaking at a normal volume doesn't make anyone but you think the other person is causing the problem. I don't have to be the buffer in your fucking relationship. She is not responsible for your fucking homework and test scores, by the way, so stop blaming her for that too.
If we are on a roadtrip and you know the direction we are supposed to go, then speak the fuck up! At the fork the driver {girlfriend} says "which way?" you say "left," we say "well we had been sticking to the right, so maybe we should explore that first" and you just say "fine," we don't assume that you had more information. We have no idea that you have a basis for the suggestion until when we are forced to turn around and you finally say you say you had seen on a map that we were supposed to go left! WTF, mate? Just because others may contradict you (by suggesting use of common path searching tactics) when we don't know you have information, doesn't mean we aren't willing to listen to you. So when I tell you it feels like you are withholding information, I am not saying it to be a dick. It's because it fucking feels like you are purposefully withholding information that would be helpful to the rest of us. If you refuse to let anybody else see the map, and refuse to tell the driver the directions until too late, (or in some cases not at all) but get pissed at her for going the wrong way, guess what, it's not her fault, it's yours.
And because we all know your sense of humor is to fuck with people on purpose, and you use the same body language and expressions when you are supposedly being serious, you shouldn't then be super pissed when people try to call you on shit, because last time you really were fucking with people for fun. As a friend, I love you, but this shit has to stop! I cannot say this directly to your face (I have tried) because when I try to talk to you about conflict, or try to explain where I am coming from, you shut me down and walk away and refuse to talk about anything. Later you may take me aside and have a one-sided conversation (in which I am seemingly not allowed to respond) and it feels like a trip to the principal's office. It's childish bullshit. Discussing your feelings and perceptions and discovering the reasons behind them are normal adult desires and actions. It's part of conflict resolution. It's one thing to need time to gather your thoughts and calm your ass down before discussing things, it is another thing all together to give someone the silent treatment and shut down any and all discussion.
And yes, not meaning to be terribly insulting, but I do wonder how much of your father's mental illness you have inherited. Yeah, I said it. I know mental illness is heritable, because I get mine from my daddy. When you claim you said something and 5 people are present to hear you NOT SAY IT, or when you refer to conversations that never took place, I wonder if you have his schizophrenia. Not trying to make that a value statement, mental illness is not a choice and doesn't make you an inherently bad person.I am getting mental help and learning how to use communication tools, perhaps it would be beneficial to you as well.
And when we are playing an RPG, and you are toying with your laptop we all know you aren't paying attention, we can see you playing that video game. So when the GM wants you to put the fucking computer away and pay fucking attention, guess what, nobody thinks he's the one being an asshole. Your indignation about lack of trust is unfounded, because you aren't paying attention, and the GM has to repeat EVERYTHING. You complain about being left out, but you weren't left out, you just weren't paying attention and you are wasting all of our time. I am done ranting about this, but not for the last time (not that I intend to hold a grudge, but because I fully expect you to do this again).