Well, I've been up for a little while now. It takes me about an hour to get out of bed in the morning. Rigidity sets in over night and now all of a sudden the mornings I used to enjoy have become the worst part of the day for me.
I have to venture out today to a meeting with a client. I'll be there with a partner from my company who is 25 years older than me. I guess I get embarrassed when people watch her help me with doors, and stairs, and g_d forbid there's a long walk from the car - it takes me so long to get anywhere because my walking is so slow.
Has anyone (besides dreamerr) ever walked across a street and said to yourself "wow, if a car comes I don't think I could get out of its way"?
That's kind of how I feel. it's like those dreams we all have had when your running as fast as you can but it seems like your not getting anywhere. It's hard being positive when your day starts like mine. I used to love sales meetings, I've always had the ability to close the deal and fast. Now I just want to get my meeting done so I could get home.
I feel like I'm losing the fight right now and my head is going crazy. I tell myself "you don't lose fights" pick it up and fucking fucking fight back! It's so much easier said than done. Some I just want to sit back and let it take me. But I can't - if I don't succeed there a 2 little girls and a little boy that get hurt.
I promise for today to fight the fight, to remind my disease who it's dealing with. The stakes are so high, there's too many people that will get hurt by my laying down and getting lost in depression. I need to walk right, I need to be able to keep up with my kids, I need to hold my wife's hand and walk together. Not slow enough where I feel like I'm dragging her down.
This is the hardest fight I've ever dealt with and it scares me. It scares worse than anything has scared me before. Ihave a few freinds that care about me and support me. I also have a few friends that weren't really friends and I see that now. It's ok, I know it's me - I am not an easy person to be friends with. Who wants a friend that's a drag. Who wants to focus on helping someone when we feel like we need so much help ourselves.
Between some of you and some friends at home I guess I got what I need but for me, I will keep helping, I will always be here for the friends that became part of my life. I am a good man, just a man stricken with being partially crippled at 40.
And you know what? For me at least, it's not going to get better - there is NO cure.