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Joke thread

Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by Purple-Days, Aug 26, 2008.

  1. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,053
    Location:
    Australia
  2. technique

    technique Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    While snuggled up on a couch late one friday evening a wife turns to husband:

    Wife: Lets go shopping tomorrow
    Husband: We always go shopping lets do something else, something different
    Wife: What did you have in mind?
    Husband: Lets go fishing! we can take a picnic and we'll take the dog, lets make a day of it.

    She ponders for a bit.


    Wife: i dont know about fishing, dont you want to do something else?
    husband: nope... i tell you what if you dont go you have to pay a forfeit. You can either let my fuck you in the ass or you can blow me off... hows that.

    wife: Ill think about it and tell you tomorrow.

    So the next morning she wakes up and comes downstairs to find him dressed and ready to go fishing


    Wife: i really dont want to go
    Husband: ok which forfeit have you chosen?
    Wife: I will blow you!

    As she puts it in her mouth she instantly withdraws and starts to gag


    wife: it tastes like shit!

    Husband: i know the dog doesnt want to go either!
     
  3. Seek

    Seek Apprentice Daydreamer

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    1,447
    Do you expereience this first world problem everytime you get new herbs too?
    [​IMG]
     
  4. VWFringe

    VWFringe Naruto Fan

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    935
    Location:
    South Orange County, CA
    Superbowl Advertisement

    from the American Beverage Makers Association

    ...Something about how they've come a long way, and have many low and zero calorie options now, blah, blah....

    Laughing, I say to my wife, "they're apologizing for making us fat."

    -------------------------
    corporate apologists
     
  5. fidget

    fidget Well-Known Member

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    283
    My dog accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles this morning - he's about to take a dump.
    Could spell trouble.
     
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  6. VWFringe

    VWFringe Naruto Fan

    Messages:
    935
    Location:
    South Orange County, CA
    I thought this was funny, and makes something serious easy to digest...that a man with ADHD may focus intently on his partner for a while, but then as his focus shifts, she may interpret it as cheating or not being attractive anymore, and the man may not know how to talk about the shift...it kind of sucks, but here's the quote from a site with a list of advice for those thinking about dating someone with ADHD....

    Look at the bright side, hahaha
     
  7. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,053
    Location:
    Australia
    I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"

    I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"
     
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  8. VWFringe

    VWFringe Naruto Fan

    Messages:
    935
    Location:
    South Orange County, CA
    I don't know about useful, but it's funny as hell.
     
  9. VWFringe

    VWFringe Naruto Fan

    Messages:
    935
    Location:
    South Orange County, CA
    Interviewer: "Tell us a bit about yourself."
    Me: "I'm anal retentive and easily get distracted"


    ~ will I ever find a job?


    hahaha
     
  10. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,053
    Location:
    Australia
    Not as a salesman. :D
     
  11. t-dub

    t-dub Vapor Sloth

    Messages:
    4,553
    Location:
    Oregon
    I heard Al Gore tried Viagra . . . and he grew 3 inches! :lmao:

     
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  12. VWFringe

    VWFringe Naruto Fan

    Messages:
    935
    Location:
    South Orange County, CA
    funny retort I just thought up for those who believe corporations are People....

    "Corporations ARE People, my friend."
    retort: "No, they're not, because People, like most creatures born on this planet, do not shit where they eat."

    I highly recommend viewing economist, Richard Wolff, who speaks elloquently about Democracy as being the cure for capitalism. He opened my eyes to how we've been indoctrinated to thinking the wrong way about some things...a lot of things, actually. One that prompted my commentary above, is that regulations don't work because they leave in place a power equal to the task of getting around them, given all the money and resources neccessary to fight and get any regulation softened, or removed: The Board of Directors (and suggests getting rid of the board is the only way to get corporate management to act responsibly, by making those who work in the plants responsible, instead of some group of People who don't care about whether the jobs stay or go to China, or what chemicals are released into the local soil). He does an excellent job of pointing out we don't really get to see any Democracy in our waking lives - which is, he possits, the reason we have, "Happy Hour," because it reminds us of what the rest of our hours are like, and why they will send large men in blue suits to hurt you, should you forget, and accidently take home anything you made today, to remind you that you don't own any of it, and get no say in how it's made, or what you will make.

    Germany has a Left political party, whose tag-line is, "Germany can do better than capitalism," and one in eight People who vote there, vote for that party...and over there they have proportional representation, unlike the "winner-takes-all" system here in the US (so they get one of eight seats in Parliament, and money to spread the word of what they are about).

    In Spain they have Worker Self Directed Enterprises, where everyone is part owner, and everyone gets a vote without regard to how much stock you own. So everyone may do what they were hired for, Monday through Thursday, but then on Friday they have meetings, and do someone else's job, and everybody decides who will do someone else's job (because nobody will learn to run the place unless they're taught, and it's crazy to believe only a few People should know how to run a place when grades in college have so little to do with the capability needed).
     
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  13. StickyShisha

    StickyShisha Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,334
    Question "What does my wife and a condom have in common?"


    Answer "they spend more time in my wallet than on my dick."
     
  14. Seren

    Seren Away with the fairies

    Messages:
    882
    Location:
    Earth
    A couple are sitting on their porch, watching the sunset, sipping wine.
    The wife says, "I love you."
    The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
    The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
     
  15. wmassguy

    wmassguy Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    32
    Location:
    Shutesbury, MA
    A guy walks into a dentist's office and says to the dentist, "Doc, you gotta help me. I think I'm a moth."

    The dentist responds, "You think you're a moth? I can't help you. I'm a dentist! You need a psychiatrist. In fact, there is one right down the hall."

    The man says, "I know. I was on my way there, but I saw your light on."
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2013
    SSVUN~YAH, Enchantre and Seren like this.
  16. wmassguy

    wmassguy Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    32
    Location:
    Shutesbury, MA
    Question: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Answer: Fish
     
  17. wmassguy

    wmassguy Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    32
    Location:
    Shutesbury, MA
    A guy gets pulled over for speeding by a rookie cop. The cop says, "OK, let's have your license, sir."

    Driver: Oh, my license was suspended the last time I was caught drunk driving.

    Cop: OK....let's see the registration.

    Driver: I don't think I have that either. After I stole the car and put my gun in the glove box, I looked for a registration, but I couldn't find it.

    Cop: I see...you stole this car, and you have a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes, officer. I had to put the gun somewhere after I shot my girlfriend and put her body in the trunk.

    Cop: Sir, put your hands on the wheel and don't move. I need to call for back up.

    (Cop calls his superiors, who arrive shortly. A lieutenant approaches the driver.)

    Lieutenant: I understand we have a problem here.

    Driver: No sir, no problem.

    Lieutenant: Well, for starters, you have a suspended license and no registration.

    Driver: Oh no, sir. I have a valid license and registration. Here they are. (Hands the lt. his license and registration.)

    Lieutenant: My officer here told me that you have a suspended license, and this is a stolen car, and you have a gun in the glove box and a body in the trunk!

    Driver: Oh, sure. He probably told you I was speeding too.
     
  18. Seren

    Seren Away with the fairies

    Messages:
    882
    Location:
    Earth
    A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener!"

    A neutron walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer. How much will that be?" The bartender responds, "For you? No charge!"

    A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humour!"

    What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man?
    Nothing. They both think they know everything.
     
  19. wmassguy

    wmassguy Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    32
    Location:
    Shutesbury, MA
    A doctor, a lawyer, an Indian, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
     
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  20. wmassguy

    wmassguy Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    32
    Location:
    Shutesbury, MA
    A penguin walks up to the cashier in a CVS and says, "I'd like to buy some Chapstick."

    Cashier: "Will that be cash or charge?"

    Penguin: "I'll just put it on my bill."
     
    Seren likes this.
  21. SSVUN~YAH

    SSVUN~YAH You Must Unlearn, What You Have Learned...

    Messages:
    1,608
    Location:
    # Town
    [​IMG]

    Put a lil boogie in it...
     
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  22. FlyingLow

    FlyingLow Team NO SLEEP!

    Messages:
    1,236
    I have some really dark humor.... Y'all see this one yet?[​IMG]
     
    vapomancer, Seren, RUDE BOY and 3 others like this.
  23. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict Staff Member

    Messages:
    6,114
    Just when you thought that things could not possibly get any worse!

    Spare a thought for the guy who told his wife that he was
    going on a business trip to China aboard that ill-fated Malaysian
    flight MH 370 and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment!
     
    Buildozer, vapomancer, Seren and 2 others like this.
  24. Belgianvapor

    Belgianvapor Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    372
    Hope this isn't a bridge too far


    A black dude and a white dude go to a swimming pool, and while they are swimming, the white dude says :
    I can do something awesome with my dick, I can tell you the exact temp of the water just by pulling it out...the water is 81 degrees right now.
    Awesome says the black dude, pulls out his dick and says...and the water is 4 feet deep here.
     
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  25. Seren

    Seren Away with the fairies

    Messages:
    882
    Location:
    Earth
    Remaining on theme..........

    Q. What do you get when you cross and owl and a rooster?
    A: A cock that stays up all night.


    Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
    A: A tearjerker.

    Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?
    A: Don´t talk to the guy in the middle, he´s a dick.



    But seriously, a dick really does have a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy and his owner beats him.

    :D
     

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