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Joke thread

Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by Purple-Days, Aug 26, 2008.

  1. Pappy

    Pappy shmaporist

    Messages:
    2,148
  2. lwien

    lwien Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    10,572
    Location:
    Arcadia, California
    COWS..........

    DEMOCRAT:

    You have two cows
    Your neighbor has none.
    You feel guilty for being successful
    You vote people into office that put a tax on your
    cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
    The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow,
    and give it to your neighbor.
    You feel righteous.
    Barbara Streisand sings for you.



    REPUBLICAN:

    You have two cows
    Your neighbor has none.
    So?



    SOCIALIST:

    You have two cows
    The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
    You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cows.
    Your cows enjoy the highest standard of living in the world.



    COMMUNIST:

    You have two cows
    The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
    You wait in line for 5 hours to get it.
    It is expensive and sour.



    LIBERTARIAN:

    You have two cows
    You would have more cows, but the government interfered. Your cow
    ownership is covered by the 2nd Amendment. Everything is covered by
    2nd Amendment. You wonder what kind of drugs your cows like to use.



    AMERICAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.
    You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO
    on the 2nd one.
    You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows.
    You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
    You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you
    have downsized and are reducing expenses.
    Your stock goes up.
    You give yourself a 5 cow stock option as a reward and
    then set up an offshore corporation to shelter the milk.



    FRENCH CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.
    You go to lunch and have a bottle of wine.
    Life is good.



    JAPANESE CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
    ordinary cow and produces twenty times the milk.
    They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
    Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
    40 years later, you get milk.



    GERMAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.
    You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
    excellent milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
    Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
    They then try to invade France.



    ITALIAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
    Not to worry. The Germans will find them for you.
    While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
    You pinch her bottom.
    You break for lunch.
    Life is good.



    RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You have some more vodka.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce
    your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and
    takes over no matter how many cows you really have.



    IRAQI CORPORATION:

    You have all the cows in Iraq, which are two.
    You don't milk them because you cannot touch any
    creature's private parts.
    You cover the cows and do not allow them to be seen in public.
    The U.S military then bombs your cows.



    POLISH CORPORATION:

    You have two bulls.
    Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



    FLORIDA:

    You have a black cow and a brown cow.
    Everyone votes for the best looking one.
    Your brother gets to count the votes.
    Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote
    for the black one.
    Some people vote for both.
    Some people vote for neither.
    Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
    Finally, a bunch of cow experts from out-of-state tell
    you which is the best looking one.



    TEXAS:

    You have two cows.
    One carries a 9 mm Glock and the other carries a modified AK47.
    They get into an argument over football and end up
    shooting each other.
    The NRA announces that guns don't kill cows, football does.
    You have Coronas and a BBQ.
    You then have your new cowhide boots polished.
    Life is good.
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  3. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict Staff Member

    Messages:
    5,836
    A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the
    airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

    'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

    OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

    The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

    To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  4. OC513

    OC513 joker, ex-smoker, midnight toker

    Messages:
    373
    Location:
    up here in my tree
    TAKING A WOMAN TO BED


    What is the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?



    At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.



    At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.


    At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


    At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.


    At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.


    At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.


    At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!


    At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
  5. OC513

    OC513 joker, ex-smoker, midnight toker

    Messages:
    373
    Location:
    up here in my tree
    Second Opinion

    The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

    You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

    The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

    Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

    Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years.'

    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

    Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

    Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

    The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
    wmassguy likes this.
  6. Purple-Days

    Purple-Days Tom Manufacturer

    Messages:
    2,722
    Man says to Boy, "Son, you have four years of high school to get through. It's gonna be tough, but there are rewards for a job well done. . . If you get As and Bs, Don't drink, Don't smoke, Don't do drugs and don't get any girls pregnant . . . I'm gonna buy you a Mustang GT with everything. What do you say to that? "

    Boy asks Dad, " Dad, can I have a Saturn for three outta five?"

    :tup:
  7. VWFringe

    VWFringe Naruto Fan

    Messages:
    935
    Location:
    South Orange County, CA
    "never let a good crisis go to waste"

    used by politicians,
  8. crawdad

    crawdad floatin

    Messages:
    1,131
    Location:
    potano territory
    There once was a Scot named McAmeter
    With a tool of prodigious diameter.
    It was not the size
    That cause such surprise;
    'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
  9. Vapenstien's Monster

    Vapenstien's Monster Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    115
    Location:
    N. Indiana, USA, Earth
    The three stages of married sex-life.

    Tri-Weekly

    Try Weekly

    Try Weakly
  10. miketyson2010

    miketyson2010 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    6
    whats does a guitar, a bottle, and a woman have it common?

    They all have a neck I love to wrap my hands around!

    read that one earlier hehe :lol:
  11. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict Staff Member

    Messages:
    5,836
    HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

    MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

    I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

    COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

    UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
    THOUGHT.

    THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE..

    AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
    MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .... 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

    'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

    HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

    'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

    HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

    THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED,
    GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

    'WHAT DID YOU TEACH'???
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  12. Nosferatu

    Nosferatu Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,044
    Location:
    California
    A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
    The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
    And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
    He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
    The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
    The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
    The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  13. djonkoman

    djonkoman Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,611
    a tourguide is giving a tour trough amsterdam to some american tourists
    first they go to a church, the guide tells the story but he is interrupted by one of the american who says: in america we got much bigger ones
    the guide shows more buildings, and every time the american says they goit much bigger ones in america
    the the guide shows them a modern build building, and before he can even say anything about it again the american says they got much bigger ones in america
    then the guide says: and this is the nut house/crazy home(I don't really know the proper english name)


    a truckdriver transporting brussels sprouts is passing trough customs. then it turns out his truck carries 10 kg too much
    the customs guy says he will let it go if the driver can get one brussels sprout in his ass
    the driver does thism but just as he succeeds he bursts out laughing
    ofcourse the customs guy is wondering why this guy is laughing from putting stuff up his ass, so he aks what's up
    'well, my brother is aproaching, he is also a truckdriver, and he also carries 10 kg too much. but he is transporting cabbages'

    a dutchmen walks into a bar, where a belgian is sitting at the bar
    the dutchmen asks the belgian if he has ever seen a dick with a staple trough it
    the belgian answers no, and the dutchmen asks for the belgians passport, folds it open and points at the picture
    the belgian bursts out laughing, then he says to the dutchmen: want to see a dick with a staple trough it? and he proceeds to pull out his own passport, folds it open and points at his own picture
  14. Vapenstien's Monster

    Vapenstien's Monster Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    115
    Location:
    N. Indiana, USA, Earth
    How can you spot the stoners on the offshore oil derrick?

    They are the ones throwing breadcrumbs to the helicopters.
  15. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,046
    Location:
    Australia
    (OK this one doesn't really work in written form - you need to tell it to someone: )


    What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

    (What?)

    A pilot, you racist!
  16. VWFringe

    VWFringe Naruto Fan

    Messages:
    935
    Location:
    South Orange County, CA
    I went begging to a guy on Craigslist for his car (it's got a seized engine and other problems)...

    I told him in my email I have all the parts needed for a 3.0L VR6 swap, and,

    "If you come down in price, I promise to feed it Civics for lunch"

    (love the helicopters one)
  17. chucku

    chucku Charles Urbane

    Messages:
    585
    Location:
    847
    An indian (native American) boy asks his father how they decide on names. His father said "one of your sisters was conceived by a lake so we named her Lake. Your other sister was conceived in a meadow so we named her Meadow. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
  18. lwien

    lwien Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    10,572
    Location:
    Arcadia, California
    I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they dont want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!"
  19. chucku

    chucku Charles Urbane

    Messages:
    585
    Location:
    847
    Bill had just finished enjoying some 69 with his girlfriend when he came to the realization of 'oh shit I have a dentist appointment in less than two hours'. Not wanting to reek of pussy at the dentist Bill flossed a half dozen times, rinsed with a half bottle of Listerine, brushed with half a tube of toothpaste and rinsed again with half a bottle of Scope. On the way to the dentists office he ate Altoid after Altoid. Bill is now in the dentists chair his breath as fresh as possible when the dentist asks 'did you have to 69 before you came over'? Not sure how the dentist knew Bill asks what gave it away. The dentist said. 'Your forehead smells like shit.'
  20. wilf789

    wilf789 Non-combustion-convert

    Messages:
    315
    Location:
    England
    Old Jokes Home:

    Q: How does Stephen Hawking refresh
    himself at the end of a long day?



    A: F5

    ----
    And one for the UKers/phone hacking followers among us:

    Rebekah Broooks says she is touched by
    some of the messages people have left on
    Amy Winehouse's phone.
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  21. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,046
    Location:
    Australia
    The son of a miser (of no particular ethnicity) says to his father, "Dad, can I have 50 cents?"

    His father replies, "40 cents? What do you want 30 cents for? Here's 20 - give half to your brother."
  22. VWFringe

    VWFringe Naruto Fan

    Messages:
    935
    Location:
    South Orange County, CA
    Marijuana is my Methadone.
  23. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,046
    Location:
    Australia
    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

    Stick it in the microwave until its bill withers.
  24. VWFringe

    VWFringe Naruto Fan

    Messages:
    935
    Location:
    South Orange County, CA
    Guess that explains why reinforcement never worked with me. Fuckin' ADHD, HA-HA.

    (I get it now, tho...better late)
  25. Purple-Days

    Purple-Days Tom Manufacturer

    Messages:
    2,722
    There's a cronic shortage of women in the desert.
    Once a year a camel train passes through and the doors of the fortress
    are flung open and the legionnaires race out to greet it.
    A new recruit running breathlessly next to the sergeant
    asks what's all the rush about, they were only camels?:
    'Son, you dont want to get an ugly one do you?' :goat:

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