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Joke thread

Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by Purple-Days, Aug 26, 2008.

  1. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Hehe for a different take on (more or less) this very scenario:


    A classic British sketch from Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie from about 15 - 20 years ago (from their sketch comedy series 'A Bit Of Fry and Laurie'). Americans might know Laurie as the title character from 'House', while Stephen Fry has done a lot of voice work and narration as well as various live action acting roles - he's the Cheshire Cat in Tim Burtons 'Alice in Wonderland' that's in cinemas right now.
  2. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    In the Vapors
    My kids have picked up the horrible habit of cursing frequently and for no reason.
    My wife and I decided we needed to put a stop to it.
    This morning they came down for breakfast and my daughter says:
    "Hey mom, what the fuck is for breakfast?"
    My wife cringes and holds back,.. she says "well honey you can have cereal pancakes or french toast."
    My daughter says " Well shit, I guess I would like some fucking french toast"
    At this point my wife looses it and smacks my daughter across the face.
    She looks at my son and says, " what would you like for breakfast?"
    My son says "Well I sure as hell don't want any fucking french toast!"

    *Edit* ddi yuo konw taht sa lnog sa teh porepr ltetres aer ni teh wrod yuor barin wlil dcepihepr teh txet?
    tx93budsmane likes this.
  3. Lo

    Lo Combustion free since '09

    lol Bruce! Thanks for the morning laugh :)

    and sey, I wkne hatt
  4. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    In the Vapors
    Q: How many battered women does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One if she knows what is good for her!
  5. DevoTheStrange

    DevoTheStrange Ia! Ia! Vapor Fthagn!

    Somewhere in the mountains.
    Olny wehn teh wdros biegn whit teihr rpsevitece fsrit adn lsat ltetres cna ew raed ti. Epxect trehe adn tow lrtete Wdros.
  6. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

    A fifteen year old Amish girl and her mother were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

    The girl asked, 'What is this mother?' The mother (never having seen an elevator) responded, ' I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

    While the girl and her mother were watching with amazement, a fat man in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the man rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

    Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde hunk stepped out.

    The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to

    her daughter

    'Go get your Father.'
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  7. stinkmeaner

    stinkmeaner Well-Known Member

    List of short jokes about call centers or working in an office in general

    Modern management speak

    Net Lag: That glazed look when you have been online for too long.
    Prairie dogging: When something happens in a call centre with cubicles, where people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
    Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.
    Adminisphere: The rarefied organisation layers beginning just above the rank of call centre manager. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
    Stress puppy: A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
    Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on a computer keyboard.
    Idea hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running .
    Mouse potato: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
    Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
    Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating the companys web browsing rule of conduct.
    It's a Feature: From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Tim, he's the alpha geek around here."
    Mission critical: We are stuffed if this fails!
    Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
    Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
    404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.

    Performance Appraisal Terms and Their Real Meanings

    Appraisal Term - Meaning
    Average Employee- Not too bright
    Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
    Active Socially - Drinks a lot
    Character Above Reproach - Still one step ahead of the law
    Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
    Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
    Plans for advancement - Buys drinks for all the boys/girls
    Uses Logic on Difficult jobs - Gets someone else to do it
    Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
    Meticulous Attention to Detail - A nit picker
    Has Leadership Qualities - Has a loud voice
    Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
    Keen Sense of Humour - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
    Career Minded - back Stabber
    Of Great Value to the Organisation - Gets to work on time
    Relaxed Attitude - Sleeps at desk
    Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
    Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else
  8. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict


    The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

    grokit and SSVUN~YAH like this.
  9. Howie Feltersnatch

    Howie Feltersnatch Scalawag

    South of Eden
    That reminds me of a joke told to me by a counselor for abused women and children. In that job, they have to have a sense of humor to deal with the daily tragedy they see.

    "What's the first thing a woman does when she gets home from the shelter?"
    "Better be the goddamn dishes!"
  10. mattybass

    mattybass Quasi-Intellectual

    A priest, monk and rabbi walk into a bar.

    They leave with a better understanding of each other's religion and culture.
    grokit likes this.
  11. jimbo

    jimbo winterize

    My wife sent me this one from work, laughed my ass off :lol:


    'Hello, is this the Police Office?'

    'Yes. What can I do for you?'

    'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin'
    marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
    them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

    'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

    The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

    Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
    They sneer at Jack and leave.

    Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

    'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'


    'Did they chop your firewood?'


    'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

    (Newfies know how to get'er done)
    grokit and SSVUN~YAH like this.
  12. lwien

    lwien Well-Known Member

    Arcadia, California
    True story........

    Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at WalMart for my dogs Melvin and Saba.

    I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think, that I had an elephant?

    Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog - that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
    (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was totally into my story by now.)

    Horrified, She asked : "Did you end up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned you?"

    I said: "No not at all. I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me."

    The guy behind her was laughing so hard, I thought he was going to have a heart attack!

    WALMART won't let me shop there anymore.
    grokit and SSVUN~YAH like this.
  13. fidget

    fidget Well-Known Member

    Why Did the Chicken Cross the Mbius Strip?
    To get to the same side.
  14. Cappella Sistina

    Cappella Sistina Well-Known Member

    Good news everyone, they stopped the Gulf Oil spill.

    BP sent a couple divers down, and they put a weeding ring on the pipe. Almost instantly she stopped putting out.
    grokit likes this.
  15. UncleHerb

    UncleHerb Well-Known Member

    1 Amish women are picking potatoes when one pickes up a big 'ole tater and says, "This 'tater reminds me of my husbands testicules!" The other woman looks up and exclaims, "That big?!"......... "No, that dirty!"
  16. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

    I'm blond right now, so I'm allowed ;) :

    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and exclaimed, "How should I know, that's over 200 miles away from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  17. Portability

    Portability supreme thru sovereignty

    this one time me and three of my friends got extremely vaped and decided it was a good idea to go to burger king at 12. after a 30 min. walk, we arrived to find that only the drive thru was open. stonely, we went up and knocked on the drive thru window until this little punk kid with acne literally eating away his face came to the window and told us that he couldn't serve "walk-ups" (they've obviously delt with our kind before). we angrily walked away until we saw a car full of kids pull into the drive thru. thinking that we just received some string of luck, we ran over to the car and started screaming at them. "get me a number 9"!!! "no fuck you!, get me some chicken"!!! "fuck both of you!!, ill pay them a lil extra"!! just bullshit like that. we all pitched in our money and gave it to this emo fucker in the front seat. boom. they speed out of the drive thru and pull onto the highway. fuck.
  18. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    In the Vapors
    BP invented a car that runs on water,... but only water from the gulf
  19. reece

    reece Well-Known Member

    Man, I need to watch Colors again.

    A Georgia farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

    She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.

    Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye..

    She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

    Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  20. Budz Bunny

    Budz Bunny Well-Known Member

    Remind me of the time I drove thru the Wendy's drive thru on my ATV. They were not happy, but I ordered at the speaker before they knew I was on a ATV.
  21. reece

    reece Well-Known Member

  22. Happycamper

    Happycamper Sweet Dreams Babycakes

  23. cluffy

    cluffy Vaker

    Northeastern US
    Did you hear what happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive the other day???

    Popeye beat the shit out of him!
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  24. Isto

    Isto Well-Known Member

  25. Purple-Days

    Purple-Days Well-Known Member

    A man is in the back yard trying to fly a kite. He's having no luck, every time he launches it in the air it crashes back to the ground. His wife is watching out the open window. She see's the problem and shouts to him , "you need a little more tail". He says, "Last night you told me to go fly a kite..."

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