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Joke thread

Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by Purple-Days, Aug 26, 2008.

  1. Cannabudz

    Cannabudz apprentice shaman

    Messages:
    593
    Location:
    Deep Dark Queensland,OZ
    Love em all Tom especially the Infection Concern for lethal injections, It's so Important to show you Care, :lol: "Ritual Killing" or "Procedure" to give the impression of Humanity?

    :lol: :whip:

    sorry great joke but Mate :)
     
  2. max

    max Bingo Coordinator Staff Member

    Messages:
    9,213
    A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when
    all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree
    in an old farmer's field.

    The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over
    to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the
    politicians.

    A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed
    bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

    The old farmer said he had buried them.

    The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'

    The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't,
    but you know how those rascals lie.'
     
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  3. DigitalDavinci

    DigitalDavinci Vapohaulic

    Messages:
    272
    Location:
    Just outside reality...
    A car breaks down with three people in it. A Rabbi, a Doctor, and a Lawyer. They walk down a long gravel drive to a farmers house. The farmer anwsers and listens to their story...

    The farmer explains he only has room for two of the men, but someone will have to sleep in the barn with the animals. They each give it a try sleeping in the barn.

    15 minutes later the Rabbi knocks on the door and says, "I would sleep in the barn, but pigs lie there. My faith doesn't allow me to co-exist with swine."

    The Doctor goes out to sleep in the barn, and 15 minutes later he knocks and says, "I'm not sleeping in there. The amount of bacteria alone could kill a man."

    The lawyer rolles his eyes and says, "fine...I'll sleep in the barn." Off to the barn he goes.

    15 minutes later there was another knock at the door.






    It was the farm animals. :lol:
     
    grokit likes this.
  4. max

    max Bingo Coordinator Staff Member

    Messages:
    9,213
    A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and,

    in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

    The biker pulled over and said: 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

    The Lord said: 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the
    supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust

    all natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more

    time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

    The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said: 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women.

    I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,

    what she really means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

    The Lord replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'.

    ---------------------------------

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZOR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

    'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

    'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

    'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

    'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . Now give me back my dog.
     
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  5. stickstones

    stickstones Wasted Staff Member

    Messages:
    8,226
    Ok...I'm stopping for now after the frog joke. I'm gonna save some for when I'm rocked!

    That cybersex joke had me laughing so hard I almost choked, and I'm sober!
     
  6. jeffp

    jeffp psychonaut

    Two lizards got on a bus to Duluth.
    One lizard said, "Does this bus go to Duluth?"
    The other lizard replied, "No, this bus goes 'beep beep!'!"
     
  7. SmogTown

    SmogTown Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    150
    I got one. A catholic priest and a rabbi are talking. So the priest asks the rabbi if he's ever had pork, the rabbi says yes he's had a ham sandwich. So the rabbi asks the priest if he's ever had sex, the priest say he has. So the rabbi says"Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich doesn't it"?
     
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  8. Chubba

    Chubba Vaporbonger

    Messages:
    430
    A primary school teacher, a lawyer and a priest are on an jet along with other passengers.

    Suddenly the engines malfunction and the plane goes into a deep dive heading for impact.

    The school teacher stands up and says "QUICK, WE NEED TO SAVE THE CHILDREN!!!".

    The lawyer sharply replies "FUCK the children".

    ....

    ....

    After a moment of thought, the priest asks "Is there time?"
     
    grokit likes this.
  9. Rick

    Rick Zapman

    Messages:
    1,216
    Location:
    Pacific Northwest
    Mick had been in Police work for 25 years.
    Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50
    acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
    He sees the postman once a week and gets
    groceries once a month.
    Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and
    a huge, bearded man is standing there.
    'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles
    up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday
    night. Thought you might like to come at
    about 5:00....'
    'Great', says Mick, 'after six months out
    here I'm ready to meet some local folks
    Thank you.'

    As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.
    Be some drinking'...'

    'Not a problem' says Mick. 'After 25 years
    in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
    'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too..'

    'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
    I'll be there. Thanks again.'

    'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

    'Now that's really not a problem' says Mick,
    warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for
    six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
    what should I wear?'

    'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
     
  10. Abu

    Abu Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    9
    vaporcloud- that 'wellhung' thing is from 'bloodninja', theres a bunch and they're all hilarious

    http://people.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/funny/bloodcyber.html

    Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
    DirtyKate: K, but don't tell anybody ;-)
    DirtyKate: Who are you?
    Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
    Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
    DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
    Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
    DirtyKate: Haha! OK
    DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
    Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
    DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
    Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
    DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
    DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
    Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
    **pause**
    DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
    Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
    Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
    **pause**
    DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
    Bloodninja: How did you know?
    Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
    Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
    DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
    Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
    DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
    Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
    DirtyKate: What the fuck?
    DirtyKate: You perverted piece of s**t
    DirtyKate: F**k
     
  11. The_Other_Shoe

    The_Other_Shoe What's Going On?

    Messages:
    183
    Location:
    California
    Man, what happened to this thread? It just disappeared. Anyways,

    A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
    "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps?
    A slice of toast?
    Grapefruit and coffee to follow?"
    she asks.
    He declines.
    "It's this Viagra," he says, "It'sreally taken the edge off my appetite."
    At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something.
    "A bowl of home- made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
    she inquires.
    He declines.
    "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
    Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
    She'll go to the store and buy him some food.
    "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie?
    Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry?
    That would only take a couple of minutes."
    He declines.
    "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
    "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then?
    I'm starving!"
     
  12. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,056
    Location:
    Australia
    A duck walks into a bar, goes up to the bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"

    Barman: "No."

    Duck stares at him for a couple of minutes.

    Duck: "Got any bread?'

    Barman: "Um, no, as I said, we don't have any bread."

    Duck stares for a couple of minutes longer.

    Duck: "Got any bread?"

    Barman: "No, this is a bar. You want a drink, I'll give you a drink, but we don't have any bread."

    Duck keeps staring.

    Duck: "Got any bread?"

    Barman: "NO!"

    Duck stares.

    Duck: "Got any bread?"

    Barman glares at the duck, then quietly mutters: "You ask me that once again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar."

    Duck stares at him for another couple of minutes.

    Duck: "Got any nails?"

    Barman: "NO!"

    Duck: "Got any bread?"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A rabbi walks into a bar with an aardvark.

    Barman says, "Hey, where did you get him?"

    Aardvark says, "Brooklyn - they're everywhere."
     
  13. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    Messages:
    427
    Location:
    In the Vapors
    I found out some good news and some bad news recently.

    The bad news is that my property line isn't where I thought it was
    The good news is that my neighbors got arrested for growing weed.



    * Edit*
    A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street. A little boy is walking down the other side of the street.
    The priest says "I sure would like to fuck him"
    the Rabbi says "out of what?"


    Why do women fake orgasm?
    They think men care.

    How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
    THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
     
  14. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    Messages:
    427
    Location:
    In the Vapors
    German Knock Knock joke


    Knock Knock
    Who is there?
    We are the ones asking the questions!

    *edit*
    Knock Knock
    Who is there?
    BANG BANG
    Amy Fisher
     
  15. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    Messages:
    427
    Location:
    In the Vapors
    Probably going to get me in trouble, but bear in mind this is jokes.......

    President and Michelle Obama are driving through the countryside in Illinois,
    They pass by a gas station and Michelle says "Oh my goodness, that guy back there manning the pumps,... I used to date him!"
    Barack laughs and says "well if you would have married him you would be married to a gas station attendant"
    Michelle looks at Barack and laughs harder "If I would have married him, he would be President"

    **Edit** Sorry for the multi-posts, I probably should have put them all into one.
     
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  16. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,056
    Location:
    Australia
    Heh, yeah but feminism isn't just for domineering and sexually frustrated women - it's also for lesbians.

    <runs and ducks>
     
  17. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    Messages:
    427
    Location:
    In the Vapors
    I could have told that joke the way I first heard it but it is really bad,... still makes me laugh,. part of a feminist series.

    How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    2 one to change the lightbulb and one to suck my dick.

    Why did the feminist cross the road?
    To suck my dick.

    it goes on and on like that,.... I laugh
     
  18. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,056
    Location:
    Australia
    Yeah yeah why does a woman have legs to get from the kitchen to the bedroom oh shit WIA agents have my house surrounded and they're ... AAAAGH!"
     
  19. AGBeer

    AGBeer Lost in Thought

    Messages:
    1,713
    Location:
    Deep in my lungs
    A blind man walks into a bar in Texas and orders a drink. The bartender presents him with a nice tall draft beer and the blind man is taken aback at how huge the beer is. "Everything is bigger here in Texas" replies the bartender.

    So the blind man asks for a cigar to enjoy with this beer. On request, a gimongous cigar is given to the blind man and once again the bartender reminds the blind man that "Everything is bigger in Texas"

    Several minutes later, the blind man has to urinate and asks where the bathroom is. 'Down the hall, second door on your right' The man follows the path, but accidentally takes a LEFT instead of a right and ends up falling into the community pool.

    Terrified and flapping around in the water the old man screamed 'Dont Flush!! Dont Flush!!'

    AND -
    A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church and sat down in a confession booth. He sat there for several minutes saying nothing, so the bewildered priest coughed to get his attention. Still the man said nothing. Then the priest knocked on the wall in an attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replied to the priest "No use knockin buddy, theres no toilet paper in this one either."
     
  20. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,056
    Location:
    Australia
    LOL! Yeah I've heard this one before too, but thanks for reminding me of it again. Hehe.
     
  21. UncleHerb

    UncleHerb Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    21
    A guy goes into a bar and orders a shot of Jack with a short beer chaser. After having 4 or 5 rounds, he knocks back another shot, but this one doesn't sit well and he erps it up, getting a bit of puke on the front of his shirt. He's cussing about it and the bartender asks him what the problem is. He says his wife has been on him lately about his drinking and now he has puke on his shirt. "She's gonna kill me!" The bartender tells him to quit worrying as he's seen this before and has a plan. "Take a 10 dollar bill, fold it up and put it in your shirt pocket. Then when your wife gives you some shit, pull out the bill and tell her that some drunk at the bar puked on you but he gave you 10 dollars to have your shirt cleaned". He thought this over and said, "That's pretty good! And I think she'll fall for it! Give me a double!" By the time he goes home, the guy is smashed. Sure enough, his wife is waiting and she immediately sees the puke on him and starts raving about his drinking. The guy says, "Now wait honey! A drunk at the bar puked on me but he gave me this 10 dollar bill to get my shirt cleaned". And he hands her the bill. She looks at it and says, "But this is a 20 dollar bill!". The guy replies, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. He also shit in my pants!!!"
     
    grokit likes this.
  22. AGBeer

    AGBeer Lost in Thought

    Messages:
    1,713
    Location:
    Deep in my lungs
    A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all lived happily in their little mole hole.

    One morning, papa mole stuck his head out of the hole and said "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!"
    Mama mole stuck her head out of the hole with papa and said "Mmmmmm, I smell french toast!"
    Baby mole, all excited tried to stick his head out of the hole but couldn't because of mama and papa in the way. Disgruntled he said "Gee, you guys are lucky. All I can smell is molasses"
     
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  23. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    Messages:
    427
    Location:
    In the Vapors
    Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him and the woman said "No!"

    The man then began riding his motorcycle, going hunting and fishing, playing golf and baseball, drinking lots of beer and whiskey, hanging out with his friends, saving his money, leaving the toilet seat up, farting whenever he wanted and lived happily ever after.
     
  24. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,056
    Location:
    Australia
    Um, Bruce, are you trying to tell us something? ;)
     
  25. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    Messages:
    427
    Location:
    In the Vapors
    well, I do like to fart,...
    But I have been married coming on 10 very happy years,.... not in a row, we have been married 16 HAHAHAHAHAH
     

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