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Joke thread

Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by Purple-Days, Aug 26, 2008.

  1. jeffp

    jeffp psychonaut

    The kid wasn't actually making fun of the bus driver - the bus driver ran over the kid because he THOUGHT the kid was making fun of him.
     
  2. Ash

    Ash vaporist

    Messages:
    191
    Yeah, about 30,000 ft over my head. :uhoh:
     
  3. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    Messages:
    427
    Location:
    In the Vapors
    There was an old bull and a young bull on top of a hill. At the bottom of the hill were a bunch of cows. The young bull says "Lets RUN down this hill and have sex with one of them cows" the old bowl says "Lets hit the Zephyr Ion, WALK down the hill and have sex with them all!" HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

    *edit,... spelled cow wrong,.. guess I need to go bump that vaked thread now.
     
  4. chucku

    chucku Charles Urbane

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    Location:
    847
    Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted.
     
  5. chucku

    chucku Charles Urbane

    Messages:
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    Location:
    847
    A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey fella, why the long face?".
     
  6. chucku

    chucku Charles Urbane

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    Location:
    847
    A guy walks into a bar with a midget on his shoulder and buys a round for the bar. Right after everyone gets their drinks the midget jumps off his shoulder and kicks everyones drinks over. The guy apologizes and offers to replace everyones spilled drinks. Again the midget jumps on the bar kicking over every drink. The bartender sees this and asks whats the problem with the midget.

    The guy said he was walking on a beach when he found a bottle and as he was rubbing the sand off of it a genie came out and granted him three wishes for anything he desired. The first wish was for all the wealth he could ever need. His pockets are practically overflowing with fifty, hundred and thousand dollar bills. His second wish was for a chick magnet car. Everywhere he went there was a new Porsche/Ferrari/Lambo at his immediate disposal. His third wish was for a foot long dick and the midget is what he got stuck with.
     
  7. chucku

    chucku Charles Urbane

    Messages:
    585
    Location:
    847
    I knew a shrink who committed suicide. He did not like the reason but at least he knew why.
     
  8. Guest

    Guest Guest

    These two morticians working at funeral home. one of them says to his boss "ok boss, i'm all done back there". the boss says great now we can get the hell out of here. the employee says there's just one thing, you know the lady who was brought in last night, i'm having a bit of a problem with her. the boss says what's the problem? the employee says, well she has "this big shrimp between her legs" and i don't know what to do with it. so the boss goes in look for himself, and says you fucking idiot, "that's no shrimp...that's a big-ass clitoris". the employee replies "damn...it tasted like a shrimp!" :lol:
     
  9. stickstones

    stickstones Wasted Staff Member

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    8,202
    ^^^
    can't stop laughing at that one!
     
  10. thevapedcrusader

    thevapedcrusader 420247

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    Location:
    northern antarctica
    what did one snowman say to the other snowman....? "can you smell carrots?" Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper..? He sold his soul to Santa!
     
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  11. The_Other_Shoe

    The_Other_Shoe What's Going On?

    Messages:
    183
    Location:
    California
    ^^^ to piggy back on the previous one, a dyslexic walked into a bra.
     
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  12. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,056
    Location:
    Australia
    Q: What happens to a baby after 3 minutes in a microwave?

    A: Dunno, I was too busy wanking.
     
  13. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    Messages:
    427
    Location:
    In the Vapors
    This baby seal walks into a club......
     
  14. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,056
    Location:
    Australia
    Why did Jesus die on the cross?

    He forgot the safeword.
     
  15. icanreadgood

    icanreadgood Well-Known Member

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    44
    little background before this joke, john stamos was uncle jesse on "full house"

    "i told john stamos i went to a bar and they had a drink named after him. he said, oh, they have a drink called secret fag?"
     
  16. Ash

    Ash vaporist

    Messages:
    191
    Q: What's brown and white and looks good on a lawyer?
    A: A pit-bull terrier

    Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions:
    A: Seeing a busload of lawyers go over a cliff and realizing there was one empty seat.

    A doctor and a lawyer are on the beach and they hear a woman screaming for help. She's 50 ft out in the water, surrounded by sharks. The doctor says, "oh my god, what are we going to do? I'd try to help her but I'd be eaten, too."
    The lawyer says, "no problem". He dives into the surf and swims out to the woman. When he gets close the sharks stop circling and part to allow the lawyer to reach the woman. He then swims with her slowly back to the beach.
    As he pulls the woman up onto the sand the doctor is in disbelief. "How did you do that?" he asked. "That was amazing. "It was no problem" the lawyer responded, "professional courtesy."
     
    grokit likes this.
  17. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    Messages:
    427
    Location:
    In the Vapors
    Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
    Because they are ugly and smell bad.

    Why don't canibals eat clowns?
    They taste funny.
     
  18. Ash

    Ash vaporist

    Messages:
    191
    Why do they grow mushrooms in the dark?
    So they can't see what they're standing in.
     
    SSVUN~YAH likes this.
  19. hopandstop

    hopandstop Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    92
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Do you know what a shit rope is?

    It's a rope covered in shit.
     
  20. thevapedcrusader

    thevapedcrusader 420247

    Messages:
    147
    Location:
    northern antarctica
    Bill Clinton explains the Monica Lewinski saga.... "it was all a big misunderstanding" says the ex pres, "the poor girl is deaf and all i said to her was hold my calls and sack my cook!"
     
  21. Bruce@Zephyr

    Bruce@Zephyr Vapor Fan Manufacturer

    Messages:
    427
    Location:
    In the Vapors
    What is the difference between a snow man and a snowwoman? Snowballs
     
    grokit likes this.
  22. AGBeer

    AGBeer Lost in Thought

    Messages:
    1,713
    Location:
    Deep in my lungs
    A madman has kidnapped a beautiful maiden and takes her to a desolate island (surrounded by sharks, alligators and pirahana - hey they all get along in this story) where he holds her hostage demanding a huge ransom.

    A large crowd on the fathers vessel has all come to watch as people line up to save the daughter.
    A very tall muscular man says "I am strong, I will save your daughter" *Splash* Hes in the water swimming, only to be snatched up by a shark who eats him whole.
    Then a really skinny toned guy steps up and says "Im quick like the wind, I will save your daughter" Zipping though the water, he almost makes it to the island but is eaten by an alligator and finished by the fishies.
    Next thing you know you hear a *Splash* and a wiry little crack-head is swimming like crazy, dodging sharks and alligators, right passed the pirahana, onto the island where he kicks the shit out of the madman and saves the daughter, bringing her back to safety.

    Relieved the multi-billionaire father is grateful to have his daughter back, he then offers the wet crack-head anything in the world he wants.
    Anything? The crack-head says... I want that motherfucker who pushed me in!
     
  23. AGBeer

    AGBeer Lost in Thought

    Messages:
    1,713
    Location:
    Deep in my lungs
    What is the difference between 'Light' and 'Hard'?

    You can sleep with a light on...
     
  24. jimbo

    jimbo winterize

    just read this one today, had to share...


    Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

    The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

    He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

    'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

    And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

    But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

    'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

    'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

    Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

    In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

    They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

    As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

    So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

    No one says a word.

    So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

    Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

    He looks at her mom..

    'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

    So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

    Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling,

    But still, Total silence.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

    Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

    Suddenly the father shouted....

    'I'll do the fuckin dishes!!!
     
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  25. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict Staff Member

    Messages:
    6,326
    A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from
    head to foot. The doctor comes in and says,
    "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness". Now
    you probably won't remember, but you were in
    a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to
    be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but....
    your penis was severed in the accident and we
    couldn't find it.

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
    "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation
    coming and we now have the technology to
    build a new penis." They work great but they
    don't come cheap . It's $1000 an inch.

    The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,
    "you must decide how many inches you want."
    But this is something you should discuss with
    your wife. If you had a five incher before
    and get a nine incher now she might be a
    bit put out. If you had a nine incher before
    and you decide to only invest in a five incher
    now, she might be disappointed. It's important
    that she plays a role in helping you make a
    decision.

    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
    The doctor comes back the next day, "So,
    have you spoken with your wife?"

    Yes I have," says the man. "And has she
    helped you make a decision?" Yes" says the
    man. What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
    We're getting granite countertops."
     
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