I'm just empathetic bro, because I honestly do not know what it's like to be going through what you are.
I'm just curious, what was the longest time you have abstained from cannabis (any form)? I sometimes feel that symptoms are the result of withdrawal. Kind of like coffee, where you feel better, but sometimes people think it "helps them" when in reality they are just avoiding withdrawal symptoms.
I'm not saying this could be a problem, i'm just curious because i'm a firm believer that many people are dependent/addicted and think it's helping them, when in reality on the long run it's the opposite. This seems to be my case anyway, but as you know i'm a special case and overvaped much more than I should have.
EDIT: Why am I starting to feel medicated?
I swear I feel baked! Breakfast was leftover beef and veggie stirfry, 2 eggs, and some 90% dark chocolate. Hmmmmmm, anandamide???
I am definitely aware and in no denial that my cannabis use causes me problems, and that there are advantages to be had if I could motivate myself to abstain.
The longest I ever went without was 3 months. I got more amd more depresed though, which honestly had nothing to do with withdrawals amd my past weed use.
It is like a form of mental,illness, where I can see how wrong itmis how im feeling and behaving (like a cut your nose off to spite face, kamakazi, self piteous thing), but I juat cant seem to help it.
It honestly gets worse and worse the longer I dont use weed, and again I ak certain this is actually unrelated to my cannabis use and phsychological dependance.
Its hard to explain right now, my brain is very murky. My past misuse of ecstasy is a big factor.
My mum was an old schol hippy, and so were al her friends. I grew up in a hippy pot head environment but was never at all interested in weed (although it was all nice clean hash back then).
When I was 16 I began taking LSD and ecstasy. I had some cross reactions between additional substances in pills and microdots, and literally suffered some brain damage and "alterations".
I was at a top private school on a free education, and was always just about keeping myself from being expelled. I was depressed before I ever took drugs, due to being so much more aware and conscious than other people my age, like a whole other level.
I "woke up" suddenly to the big fat lie of the world when I was 16, I remember coming home from school one day saying over and over in an outrage "everything's a con". I have no idea what drew me to that conclusion at the time, as I cant really have known anything back then.
So my depression was part of my deep, philosophical and sensitive nature to the ugly world around. My initial experiences with drugs, especially my first uses of LSD where I made an honest mistake and nearly got myself into some serious trouble, resulting in bad trips, plus the chemical reaction atva later date, caused more severe depression.
I was never into schoolwork. Did my homewok on the bus at last monute, somehiw got good grades right through school. I was on the verge of being expelled when I began using cannabis aged 17. It saved my life. Perfect medicine for the nightmare I was in.
I was instantly smoking 3 big bucket bongs of clean old school hash every morning after getting up at 8.45 am, then riding my bike through town atbfull throttle to get to form period by 9 am in order to not be expelled from school! It was over 3 miles through town centre rush hour up steep hills, coming up on the bucket bongs which also refreshed the hallucinogen highs.
I was high as a daisy!
but nobody ever knew. None of the teachers ever had a suspicion, only close friends.
My schol reports improved dramatically as well. I was happy amd motivated.
I also used to eat hash every day for years, in all my jobs I went on to get (dustman, fast food places, building site etc).
That is where my cannabis use began. So obviously a lot of issues to begin with. I went on to hammer ecstasy in huge quantities, on and off, until aged 25. I rearranged my brain many times, chipped bits off, but cricially, impaired my serotonin and dopamine etc.
And then I got the Lyme in 2005, which itslef is as much a mental illness as it is physical. It destroys serotonin receptors.
Back to my 3 month break from weed, in 2010. I havevhad similar breaks but not quite as long. Each time is exactly the same, the longer I go, the more seriously depressed and unmotivated I get, to the point where it is dangerously unhealthy. There is much more to this than withdrawal from weed.
Only when I use weed does everything become clear. I can suddenly see how wrong and bad I have been feeling. But I couldnt help it honestly. Like a bipolar disorder. .
The weed use is the only "medicine" thatbhad worked for my condition since getting Lyme.
With all the physical problems not being comfortable in life, and mental issues, especially the speech problems due to mucus and the isolation, no friends, no holiday, hobbies, or enjoyment in life- weed use is the lesser evil.
The only problem I have that stips me from making ,y life work with moderate and beneficial weed use is my allergy to it.
I now I could use weed moderately for the right reaons to live happily and comfortably, enjoying everything I do, and being active, motivated, sociable- except for the physical but very severe respiratory allergy.
So my life already has to revolve arpund managing symptoms night and day, with or withotut cannabis, and much, much more so with.
But when I can use weed and more comfortably cope with the symptoms, I enjoy everything I do, amd am totally different mentally.
I live with my mum as I am unable to afford life and health costs otherwise. When .i go without weed, my depression is so severe it affects the home life badly. I would easily reach suicide but that just isnt an option. No way back from that, and besides, Im a reap whimp anyway!
(gotta see the funny side of life!
)
If I wasnt allergic to weed I would have no issue at all coping with my illness. I would eat well, sleep well, exercise, have friends and so on, I have no doubt. And Im sure I could be happy with moderate use that works and does not hinder.
Im really not kidding myself on this either. Im not in denial here, but in a very broken situation, a less than ideal solution can still work as a perfect remedy.
If I was to recover fully and be able to live a normal amd full life, with a relationship and vocation, such as my "life' calling", then I actually feel confident that I could stop using weed quite easily. But if there is some advantage, say, on a physical level, and it isnt necessary to stop completely, then I dont see a problem with that.
But that is a bridge for a later date.
So you see there is a lot of factors invloved here. I am totally open to the idea that I am very mistaken or delusional about anything I believe. (Disclaimer
).
But as I hope you will see, it is far more complicated than the usual matter of withdrawal.
I share all of this openly, with anybody. I have no shame. No secrets. Cards on the table. Let's all be honest and move forward, my motto, and I know you respect and appreciate that.
This openness does not make me vulnerable, but stronger. I am too strong and pure in spirit for others to try amd exploit and attack me. They will come unstuck first, believe me. Tney are the ones on shaky ground!
Thanks so much for all yout continued support and rare high level of understanding Biohacker, it really means a lot!
- as I told you in pm,(Biohacker), yesterday my chest suddenly got VERY much worse, due to tiredness and stress. I mean, a really bad infection developed in my lungs. It was hell, red raw, and in my throat as well. Really acidy burning.
You made it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh I can just imagine your first micro dose hit back! 
thank u kindly