Too big for one post, sorry...
7. Jeb Bush
Yes, I know your fraydar just went off again, and went off hard. It’s probably still shrieking and you’re trying to figure out how to get the damn battery out. Stay with me. It is true that Jeb will never in a million years be able to fight, and that the absolute best-case scenario for his bad-ass ready stance will be him putting the backs of his fists up high and forward in the Victorian fisticuffs pose. It is also true that this smack talk will be wretchedly awkward, and he will stumble over poorly constructed shoe insults before he finally gets frustrated and calls someone on the other side “New money.”
But Jeb Bush is a big dude, and as long as you can quickly get him to untuck his shirt and just loom there while remaining completely silent —
I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP, JEB! — he’s going to be at least a factor in getting the other side to think twice about starting the fight in the first place. Once things get going, he’s, again, not going to be a good fighter. But, much like the current election, he will make his peace with the fact that he’s in this awful thing now and there’s nothing he can do about it, so he may as well see it out. Jeb’s going to be a lurch-puncher, the guy who swings too hard with zero control, but his lunging and crashing may actually do your side some good. Don’t be afraid to shove him into opponents. He’ll understand.
6. Marco Rubio
OK, sure. Whatever. Much like the Republican race, Rubio is ranked this high because he seems to be in reasonably good health and everyone else in the fray is so screamingly awful.
5. Carly Fiorina
Fiorina is yet another well-documented liar in this pack (wow), but she hasn’t to date lied about fighting, which suggests she may be hiding some real goods. We certainly would have heard about it if Fiorina had been taking Krav Maga or something, but it’s undeniable that she’s a scrapper. And completely coldbloodedly ruthless. It’s entirely possible that she’d come at the other side after strobe-stunning them with a demure pink tactical flashlight she’s been hiding in her purse.
There’s no way she is winning the presidency, but don’t write Carly Fiorina off in a bar fight.
4. Chris Christie
Again, Christie is not going to be one of the best physical fighters you’ve ever seen, but it’s a good bet that the guy knows how to throw a punch. Plus Christie has the intimidation factor. He knows how to be mean, loud, and carry menace. And he’s a powerful man from New Jersey, which means everyone is going to assume he’s mobbed up. That’ll make people think twice, and you may not have to have a bar fight at all.
If a fight does happen, he’ll get a few respectable shots in, and he may bellow loudly enough to drown out Santorum and Jeb. And, win or lose, you’ll have the comfort of knowing that when it comes to being vindictive, Christie is a complete and total bastard. Your side may have a few lacerations and broken ribs, but the other side just woke up to find out that their bridges and subway lines have been closed and there will be no trash pickup until 2019. Revenge is a dish best served on a buffet of sorrows, and Chris Christie is their new maitre d’.
3. John Kasich
John Kasich is your stealth weapon in a bar fight. He seems boring, like Rubio levels of boring, and then you find out he wants to do
lunatic shit like create a government agency to beam Judeo-Christian values to other countries.
Kasich is the guy who shows up to the bar in business casual and turns out to be carrying a butterfly knife. He’s the guy who scares the piss out of everyone by wading into the deepest part of the fray while swinging double-fist thunderpunches and screaming an extemporaneous sermon.
He’s the guy carving tattoos into his own arm with a broken bottle, the guy who palmed a handful of darts twenty freaking minutes before you even sensed there would be a fight, the guy who is slamming someone’s head into the bar long after the fight is over, screaming “Taste it! Taste it!”
You do not want Kasich in any sort of a leadership position ever, but you definitely want him on your side in a bar fight.
2. Bernie Sanders
Yeah, I know. Bernie is old. I don’t care. Nor will anyone on the other side. He’s wiry, he’s mad, and he’s dealt with way too much bullshit to take anyone else’s.
Picture a furious Bernie Sanders coming at you while brandishing a pool cue and screaming at his mid-speech Full Righteous volume. You’re damn right you’d be scrambling backwards while trying to cover your vital organs. If you see even a hint of an impending tavern brawl, get Bernie on your side immediately, and use him for cover if you’re injured. They shall not pass.
Honorable Mention: Lindsey Graham
Though I think it was an entirely correct decision, I’m a little disappointed that Graham dropped out of the Presidential race, because this is where I would have ranked him. His parents ran a bar/pool hall/liquor store when he was a child, so the man knows his way around bar fight strategy. He will have the kind of deep, intuitive knowledge about brawling that little kids who were raised in snow country have about skiing or hockey.
But what really earns him this spot is the fact that young men who live in certain areas of this country and do not display enough broad stereotypical indicators of macho heterosexual masculinity have to learn how to win a fistfight, and they have to learn it early. I guarantee you: Lindsey Graham can fucking
fight. He’s not going to be easy to goad into a bar fight, but once it’s on, Lindsey Graham is going to go full-on balls-out hammer-down mad-monkey terrordome crazy, and he will take on three guys if he has to. Hell, he may take on three guys just for the sheer pleasure of it.
Lindsey Graham isn’t on your side in a bar fight. Lindsey Graham
is your side in a bar fight.
1. Hillary Clinton
Really? You want to pull your girls-can’t-fight nonsense with this one? She may not be great at those dumb campaign-trail talk-show things where she has to dance or laugh delightedly at silly anecdotes, but you’d better believe she’s going to be a natural at throwing a punch. Not to mention the fact that she’s had freaking decades of politely French-pressing rage over bullshit sexist coverage of her serious Presidential campaigns and the entire world’s media speculating on intimate details of her marriage. Hell, Hillary Clinton probably
needs a bar fight.
Plus, Clinton takes care of her own. If you’re on her team and you’re in a fight, she’s going to be breaking chairs over people’s backs. And I don’t know where she got that bike chain that she’s whirling over her head, but there’s no time to think about that now; just be glad you’re not the guy she side-kicked into the juke box. Or the one who just had a beer stein spiked into his head.
When the fight is over, be sure to thank her with proper respect, buy her a beer, and relish the speed with which she composes herself and the shining pleasure in her eyes.
You need Hillary Clinton on your side in a bar fight.