Joke thread

Nooky72

Nooky72

Dog Marley
"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
:cheers:

"Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."
:spliff:


"My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
:dog:



"My cat is recovering from a massive stroke"
:smug:
 
DDave

DDave

Vape Wizard
Accessory Maker
This is a joke!

I almost lost it trying to envision this Thing vs. The guy in the Flying Guillotine! What a show that would have made!

gLuoESG.jpg
 
momofthegoons

momofthegoons

vapor accessory addict
A Mom visits her son for dinner that lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Your Son.

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother, which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love, Mom
 
Reflections

Reflections

Well-Known Member
Subject: Guts or Balls
There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls".
We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls".
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal:
Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by
your wife with a broom,
and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of
perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the
"Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.
 
J

Joel W.

Deplorable Basement Dweller
Accessory Maker
My "guts" say she is gonna take his " balls" either way. :lol:

Edit: joke

Once upon a time there was a flea walking
down the beach and while he was walking he
saw this bottle so he kicked it and a gene
came out. he said that you have 3 wishes.
the gene asked him whats your first wish, he
said that he wanted to be on lassie so poof he was there.

About a week goes by, he walks down the beach and kicked that bottle, the gene poped out and the flea said it just aint goin to work she is to clean. the gene said you have 2 wishes left, whats your second wish. he said i want to be on willy nelsons beard, so poof, there he was.

About another week goes by he walkes down the beach kicks that bottle the gene pops out and the flea said that it just aint goin to work that old man never sleeps. The gene said you have 1 wish left what is it the flea said: i want to be on dolly partons pussy , so poof there he was.

About a mounth or 2 go by he walkes down the beach, kicks the bottle the gene pops out and says you have all ready used your 3 wishes. The flea said: it just aint gonna work, i stood up to look over the trees and here comes willy nelsons beard again.
 
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His_Highness

His_Highness

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like -- Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like -- Mr. Goodwrench?"

A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like -- Bob Vila?" He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.
"Wow, did he charge us anything?"
"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him."
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"
"Cake? What the hell do I look like -- Betty Crocker?"
 
Nooky72

Nooky72

Dog Marley
A frugal widow goes to 
the newspaper to take out an obituary notice for her late 
husband. “How much?” she asks the fellow behind the counter.

“One dollar per word,” 
he says.

She says, “Make it 
‘MacGregor died.’”

“It’s a five-word minimum.”

She nearly faints but 
collects herself. “Very well, make it ‘MacGregor died. Volvo for sale.’”
 
Reflections

Reflections

Well-Known Member
A California Love Story
A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex..She spent the next hour
rubbing his testicles. This was something she loved
to do.As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?" Because she replied..
"I really miss mine".
 
grokit

grokit

well-worn member
Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.”

”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”

Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.”

”Done,” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”

”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”

”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”

:brow:
 
Reflections

Reflections

Well-Known Member
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under
the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might
offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying
to the man:

"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said:

"No, she didn't .......... she just walked in."
 
Nooky72

Nooky72

Dog Marley
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
 
hd_rider

hd_rider

Well-Known Member
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
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