Joke thread

His_Highness

His_Highness

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
A guy goes to apply for social security and stands in line for 5 hours. When he finally gets his turn he's asked for proof of his age and realizes he forgot to bring his paperwork. With tears in his eyes he tells the agent 'I forgot to bring any paperwork that proves my age and I've been in this line all day. Can you help me?'. The agent says 'Sure, remove your shirt and I'll count the grey hairs on your chest'. So he removes his shirt and the agent says 'You're 67'. The guy can't believe the agent could figure out his exact age like that and happily returns home with his social security approved. When the guy gets home he tells his wife the story about the amazing agent. The wife says 'You should have dropped your pants you could have gotten disability too'.
 
DDave

DDave

Vape Wizard
Accessory Maker
:lmao:

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It's only funny because I pull my cats out of the tree on a regular basis!!!!
 
momofthegoons

momofthegoons

vapor accessory addict
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*!!!!!'
 
His_Highness

His_Highness

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 
His_Highness

His_Highness

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
 
DDave

DDave

Vape Wizard
Accessory Maker
Yeah, I know it's not real, but it's funny!
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I'm cool with this. Been there.... ;)
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I have no idea what could make a cat have this expression... :shrug:
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And Forgive DDave... but this was too funny not to post!
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Oh, and don't lie! You know you tried it!!!! If you didn't, you know you thought about trying it!!! :rofl:
 
Been Vapin

Been Vapin

Fringe Class
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Washington.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

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She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility. I’m sorry, but due to ObamaCare they turned you down.”
 
Qbit

Qbit

cannabanana
A maid asks for a raise and the wife gets upset.

She asks, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
 
DDave

DDave

Vape Wizard
Accessory Maker
I now believe in Human Cloning!

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Yeah, they can change the hair, but they can't pull the wool over DDave's Eyes!
 
Qbit

Qbit

cannabanana
Qbit,
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DDave

DDave

Vape Wizard
Accessory Maker
DDave

DDave

Vape Wizard
Accessory Maker
What I want to tell my wife when we are alone: "I love you more than anything, you bring balance to the chaos in my life, you are the part that holds my entire system together."

What I actually tell my wife when we are alone: "You remind me of waffles!"
 
DDave

DDave

Vape Wizard
Accessory Maker
So, I went into McDonnalds, ordered a large #2.... Told the guy that when I see it again later, it would be a large #2!

:lmao:

If you didn't get it .... for answer, click below....
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:shit:
 
His_Highness

His_Highness

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?" "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
 
momofthegoons

momofthegoons

vapor accessory addict
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.
The women were asked..."How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the heck did you do now?
7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
 
Reflections

Reflections

Well-Known Member
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
jokers and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves
for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a
pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather
jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies
yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting
the house..
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies
that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
(You'll love this...)
(I know you will...)


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
 
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