Enchantre
Oil Painter
This should be in your Aspie thread, m'dear... this is pretty common with us, I think
Joke thread
- Thread starter Purple-Days
- Start date
SpaceCoyote
Well-Known Member
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.....
but I turned myself around.
but I turned myself around.
@Enchantre , I was torn on where to post that one!This should be in your Aspie thread, m'dear... this is pretty common with us, I think
Enchantre
Oil Painter
Torn between two postings, tearing me apart....@Enchantre , I was torn on where to post that one!
I'll share a personal one... Whenever me or my hubby tell each other, "that's funny", the other responds "yeah, but looks aren't everything!"
momofthegoons
vapor accessory addict
Today, a friend of mine’s wife said to him, "Honey, get off your butt and fix that gutter downspout! And, I want it done before the end of the day!”
Well, as you all know, at my age my friend, and most our age, are retired and do have the time to address such “Honey do’s”..So, he invited some of us neighborhood buddies over to help with the project.
One is a sheet metal fabricator. One brought his welder. One brought beer and Nachos. One brought a grill and burgers.
Took us about 4-6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the burgers.
As usual, the wife is still not happy! Can’t understand, cause all us guys love it!
Personally, I cannot wait for rain!
Well, as you all know, at my age my friend, and most our age, are retired and do have the time to address such “Honey do’s”..So, he invited some of us neighborhood buddies over to help with the project.
One is a sheet metal fabricator. One brought his welder. One brought beer and Nachos. One brought a grill and burgers.
Took us about 4-6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the burgers.
As usual, the wife is still not happy! Can’t understand, cause all us guys love it!
Personally, I cannot wait for rain!
Nooky72
Dog Marley
Hear about that new broom? It’s sweeping the nation.
Did you know my computer sings? Its a Dell
I had a clock the other day. It was so time consuming.
I am going to try my reversable jacket after work. Cant wait to see how it turns out
Gay jokes arent funny, come on guys
I use to go out with a girl with a taser gun, she was stunning
Some thieves stole my soap yesterday. Dirty bastards.
Hear about that mexican serial killer? He had loco-motives
I use to be addicted to soap. I’m clean now.
My lesbian neighbors cannot afford a double ended dildo for christmas. They struggle to make ends meet.
I met a girl in Korea, we’re Seoul mates.
Whats Bruce Lees favorite drink? Whataaaaaaa
Have you read that book on anti-gravity? Its hard to put down.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was two tired.
I tried to find that book about small penises for ya. I dont think its in yet.
I just got a job crushing cans. Its soda pressing...
Did you know my computer sings? Its a Dell
I had a clock the other day. It was so time consuming.
I am going to try my reversable jacket after work. Cant wait to see how it turns out
Gay jokes arent funny, come on guys
I use to go out with a girl with a taser gun, she was stunning
Some thieves stole my soap yesterday. Dirty bastards.
Hear about that mexican serial killer? He had loco-motives
I use to be addicted to soap. I’m clean now.
My lesbian neighbors cannot afford a double ended dildo for christmas. They struggle to make ends meet.
I met a girl in Korea, we’re Seoul mates.
Whats Bruce Lees favorite drink? Whataaaaaaa
Have you read that book on anti-gravity? Its hard to put down.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was two tired.
I tried to find that book about small penises for ya. I dont think its in yet.
I just got a job crushing cans. Its soda pressing...
Reflections
Well-Known Member
oldie but goodie..
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just
then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I
have ever poked my pecker into.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just
then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I
have ever poked my pecker into.
momofthegoons
vapor accessory addict
A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"
He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
momofthegoons
vapor accessory addict
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
Enchantre
Oil Painter
So, we were taking a walk today, and Hubby said, "I remember the first time I saw my shadow. I was a very young man, and the appearance of something DARK following so closely, nearly attached to me, freaked me out. I ran to my Dad."
"Son," he said, as I tried to tell him that there was this fuzzy dark..., "you are becoming a man, and you are starting to grow pu..."
"No," I interrupted, "I grew that a couple of years ago. I'm talking about THAT!" as I pointed at the ground.
"Shit," he said, "the Day Star is out! RUN!!"
"I was, after all, born in Grays Harbor, Washington".
"Son," he said, as I tried to tell him that there was this fuzzy dark..., "you are becoming a man, and you are starting to grow pu..."
"No," I interrupted, "I grew that a couple of years ago. I'm talking about THAT!" as I pointed at the ground.
"Shit," he said, "the Day Star is out! RUN!!"
"I was, after all, born in Grays Harbor, Washington".
momofthegoons
vapor accessory addict
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
Nooky72
Dog Marley
- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve You, but don’t start anything.”
- Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
- “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”
- Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
- Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”
- I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!”
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
- A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
- Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
Reflections
Well-Known Member
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came
out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.. We went up to him
and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an
"a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.. We went up to him
and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an
"a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
This is the only joke i remember my pop ever telling me when i was a kid.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
His_Highness
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
Pop Jokes.......These are true stories......
I was walking out of an apartment building behind a father and his two kids. The kids looked to be around 5 to 7 years old. Once we all stepped onto the sidewalk a ways we could plainly see two dogs doing the nasty at the side of the building. One kid says to his Dad....'Dad, what are they doing'? I had to hold back a chuckle......The father responded after a brief stutter 'the dog in the front is sick and the other is trying to push him to the dog hospital'. I gave the Dad a thumbs up and big smile for that one.
I worked with a guy who used the F-bomb a bunch. More so when he was worked up about something. We were in a meeting and I could see he wasn't happy about where the discussion was heading. I could also see that he was struggling with not using the F-bomb. Before leaving for the day I stopped into his office to drop something off and jokingly mentioned his attempts at keeping the F-bomb from dropping. He told me this story.....He was grocery shopping with his young son who was sitting in the seat in the shopping cart. Every time the kid would reach out for something off the shelf, get hold of something or beg for something ....he'd tell the kid 'Stop fucking around! or Don't fuck with that! When they got to the cash register the kid reached over and grabbed a candy bar while Dad was paying. The dad saw the kid with the candy bar and was getting ready to yell at him but before the dad could say anything the kid yelled 'I'm sorry Daddy, please don't fuck me'. He said that his wife had been trying to get him to stop cursing like that but it was his son who finally taught him the lesson.
I was walking out of an apartment building behind a father and his two kids. The kids looked to be around 5 to 7 years old. Once we all stepped onto the sidewalk a ways we could plainly see two dogs doing the nasty at the side of the building. One kid says to his Dad....'Dad, what are they doing'? I had to hold back a chuckle......The father responded after a brief stutter 'the dog in the front is sick and the other is trying to push him to the dog hospital'. I gave the Dad a thumbs up and big smile for that one.
I worked with a guy who used the F-bomb a bunch. More so when he was worked up about something. We were in a meeting and I could see he wasn't happy about where the discussion was heading. I could also see that he was struggling with not using the F-bomb. Before leaving for the day I stopped into his office to drop something off and jokingly mentioned his attempts at keeping the F-bomb from dropping. He told me this story.....He was grocery shopping with his young son who was sitting in the seat in the shopping cart. Every time the kid would reach out for something off the shelf, get hold of something or beg for something ....he'd tell the kid 'Stop fucking around! or Don't fuck with that! When they got to the cash register the kid reached over and grabbed a candy bar while Dad was paying. The dad saw the kid with the candy bar and was getting ready to yell at him but before the dad could say anything the kid yelled 'I'm sorry Daddy, please don't fuck me'. He said that his wife had been trying to get him to stop cursing like that but it was his son who finally taught him the lesson.
momofthegoons
vapor accessory addict
blankexpression
Well-Known Member
I just deleted all my German friends from my phone...now its Hans free!
That was this years Edinburgh Festival winner!
That was this years Edinburgh Festival winner!