Joke thread

[Qbit]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from
head to foot. The doctor comes in and says,
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness". Now
you probably won't remember, but you were in
a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to
be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but .....
your penis was severed in the accident ...

Hehe for a different take on (more or less) this very scenario:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHNXMgBSei0

A classic British sketch from Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie from about 15 - 20 years ago (from their sketch comedy series 'A Bit Of Fry and Laurie'). Americans might know Laurie as the title character from 'House', while Stephen Fry has done a lot of voice work and narration as well as various live action acting roles - he's the Cheshire Cat in Tim Burtons 'Alice in Wonderland' that's in cinemas right now.

 

[Bruce@Zephyr]

My kids have picked up the horrible habit of cursing frequently and for no reason.
My wife and I decided we needed to put a stop to it.
This morning they came down for breakfast and my daughter says:
"Hey mom, what the fuck is for breakfast?"
My wife cringes and holds back,.. she says "well honey you can have cereal pancakes or french toast."
My daughter says " Well shit, I guess I would like some fucking french toast"
At this point my wife looses it and smacks my daughter across the face.
She looks at my son and says, " what would you like for breakfast?"
My son says "Well I sure as hell don't want any fucking french toast!"





*Edit* ddi yuo konw taht sa lnog sa teh porepr ltetres aer ni teh wrod yuor barin wlil dcepihepr teh txet?

 

[Lo]

lol Bruce! Thanks for the morning laugh

and sey, I wkne hatt

 

[Bruce@Zephyr]

Q: How many battered women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One if she knows what is good for her!

 

[DevoTheStrange]

*Edit* ddi yuo konw taht sa lnog sa teh porepr ltetres aer ni teh wrod yuor barin wlil dcepihepr teh txet?

Olny wehn teh wdros biegn whit teihr rpsevitece fsrit adn lsat ltetres cna ew raed ti. Epxect trehe adn tow lrtete Wdros.

 

[momofthegoons]

A fifteen year old Amish girl and her mother were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.





The girl asked, 'What is this mother?' The mother (never having seen an elevator) responded, ' I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the girl and her mother were watching with amazement, a fat man in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the man rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde hunk stepped out.

The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to

her daughter

'Go get your Father.'

 

[stinkmeaner]

List of short jokes about call centers or working in an office in general

Modern management speak


Net Lag: That glazed look when you have been online for too long.
Prairie dogging: When something happens in a call centre with cubicles, where people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.
Adminisphere: The rarefied organisation layers beginning just above the rank of call centre manager. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Stress puppy: A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on a computer keyboard.
Idea hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running .
Mouse potato: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating the companys web browsing rule of conduct.
It's a Feature: From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Tim, he's the alpha geek around here."
Mission critical: We are stuffed if this fails!
Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.

Performance Appraisal Terms and Their Real Meanings

Appraisal Term - Meaning
Average Employee- Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Character Above Reproach - Still one step ahead of the law
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Plans for advancement - Buys drinks for all the boys/girls
Uses Logic on Difficult jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense of Humour - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - back Stabber
Of Great Value to the Organisation - Gets to work on time
Relaxed Attitude - Sleeps at desk
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

 

[momofthegoons]

HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

[Howie Feltersnatch]

Q: How many battered women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One if she knows what is good for her!

That reminds me of a joke told to me by a counselor for abused women and children. In that job, they have to have a sense of humor to deal with the daily tragedy they see.

"What's the first thing a woman does when she gets home from the shelter?"
"Better be the goddamn dishes!"

 

[mattybass]

A priest, monk and rabbi walk into a bar.

They leave with a better understanding of each other's religion and culture.

 

[jimbo]

My wife sent me this one from work, laughed my ass off

MARIJUANA-FILLED FIREWOOD IN NEWFOUNDLAND ..



'Hello, is this the Police Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Newfies know how to get'er done)

 

[lwien]

True story........

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at WalMart for my dogs Melvin and Saba.

I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog - that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was totally into my story by now.)

Horrified, She asked : "Did you end up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned you?"

I said: "No not at all. I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me."

The guy behind her was laughing so hard, I thought he was going to have a heart attack!

WALMART won't let me shop there anymore.

 

[fidget]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Mbius Strip?
To get to the same side.

 

[Cappella Sistina]

Good news everyone, they stopped the Gulf Oil spill.

BP sent a couple divers down, and they put a weeding ring on the pipe. Almost instantly she stopped putting out.

 

[UncleHerb]

1 Amish women are picking potatoes when one pickes up a big 'ole tater and says, "This 'tater reminds me of my husbands testicules!" The other woman looks up and exclaims, "That big?!"......... "No, that dirty!"

 

[momofthegoons]

I'm blond right now, so I'm allowed :


A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and exclaimed, "How should I know, that's over 200 miles away from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

 

[Portability]

this one time me and three of my friends got extremely vaped and decided it was a good idea to go to burger king at 12. after a 30 min. walk, we arrived to find that only the drive thru was open. stonely, we went up and knocked on the drive thru window until this little punk kid with acne literally eating away his face came to the window and told us that he couldn't serve "walk-ups" (they've obviously delt with our kind before). we angrily walked away until we saw a car full of kids pull into the drive thru. thinking that we just received some string of luck, we ran over to the car and started screaming at them. "get me a number 9"!!! "no fuck you!, get me some chicken"!!! "fuck both of you!!, ill pay them a lil extra"!! just bullshit like that. we all pitched in our money and gave it to this emo fucker in the front seat. boom. they speed out of the drive thru and pull onto the highway. fuck.

 

[Bruce@Zephyr]

BP invented a car that runs on water,... but only water from the gulf

 

[reece]

There was an old bull and a young bull on top of a hill. At the bottom of the hill were a bunch of cows. The young bull says "Lets RUN down this hill and have sex with one of them cows" the old bowl says "Lets hit the Zephyr Ion, WALK down the hill and have sex with them all!" HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

*edit,... spelled cow wrong,.. guess I need to go bump that vaked thread now.

Man, I need to watch Colors again.





A Georgia farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye..

She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.

 

[Budz Bunny]

this one time me and three of my friends got extremely vaped and decided it was a good idea to go to burger king at 12. after a 30 min. walk, we arrived to find that only the drive thru was open. stonely, we went up and knocked on the drive thru window until this little punk kid with acne literally eating away his face came to the window and told us that he couldn't serve "walk-ups" (they've obviously delt with our kind before). we angrily walked away until we saw a car full of kids pull into the drive thru. thinking that we just received some string of luck, we ran over to the car and started screaming at them. "get me a number 9"!!! "no fuck you!, get me some chicken"!!! "fuck both of you!!, ill pay them a lil extra"!! just bullshit like that. we all pitched in our money and gave it to this emo fucker in the front seat. boom. they speed out of the drive thru and pull onto the highway. fuck.

Remind me of the time I drove thru the Wendy's drive thru on my ATV. They were not happy, but I ordered at the speaker before they knew I was on a ATV.

 

[reece]

 

[Happycamper]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b69yueVkRKk


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQwFODnQf2w

 

[cluffy]

Did you hear what happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive the other day???

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
Popeye beat the shit out of him!

 

[Isto]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzzjgBAaWZw&feature=related

Dunno is a youtube link as good as a joke here, but i just had an urge to post this here.

 

[Purple-Days]

A man is in the back yard trying to fly a kite. He's having no luck, every time he launches it in the air it crashes back to the ground. His wife is watching out the open window. She see's the problem and shouts to him , "you need a little more tail". He says, "Last night you told me to go fly a kite..."