Joke thread

jeffp

psychonaut/retired
Progress said:
Jeff, why was the kid making fun of the bus driver if he wanted the bus driver to pick him up for school (just kidding :p ). Good one. :)

Bruce@Zephyr - A dinosaur walks into a bar and eats the chick sitting to his left. After about a half hour he tells the bartender that he doesn't feel well. The bartender says "maybe it was that bar bitch you ate"
* edit * the joke here is "barbiturate"
Bruce,

I heard that after the dinosaur ate the chick at the bar, he stormed towards the bathroom in desperation, trying to get the taste of the bar bitch out of his mouth. All he could find was a can of cleaner called "Biss" Cleanser. He quickly swished and downed some, and came out of the bathroom feeling much better. He said to the bartender, "Dam, I used some of the 'Biss' cleanser that I found in the bathroom to get rid of the nausea from the nasty-tasting bar bitch that I ate, and my stomach feels great! I could almost even eat another bar bitch.". The bartender replied, "Yeah, sometimes a little can 'o Biss can really help settle an upset stomach and make you feel pretty good at the same time".

edit: If you don't get this one, then you wouldn't like it even if you did :p (Can 'o Biss :rofl: )
The kid wasn't actually making fun of the bus driver - the bus driver ran over the kid because he THOUGHT the kid was making fun of him.
 
jeffp,

Bruce@Zephyr

Vapor Fan
Manufacturer
There was an old bull and a young bull on top of a hill. At the bottom of the hill were a bunch of cows. The young bull says "Lets RUN down this hill and have sex with one of them cows" the old bowl says "Lets hit the Zephyr Ion, WALK down the hill and have sex with them all!" HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

*edit,... spelled cow wrong,.. guess I need to go bump that vaked thread now.
 
Bruce@Zephyr,

chucku

Charles Urbane
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey fella, why the long face?".
 
chucku,

chucku

Charles Urbane
A guy walks into a bar with a midget on his shoulder and buys a round for the bar. Right after everyone gets their drinks the midget jumps off his shoulder and kicks everyones drinks over. The guy apologizes and offers to replace everyones spilled drinks. Again the midget jumps on the bar kicking over every drink. The bartender sees this and asks whats the problem with the midget.

The guy said he was walking on a beach when he found a bottle and as he was rubbing the sand off of it a genie came out and granted him three wishes for anything he desired. The first wish was for all the wealth he could ever need. His pockets are practically overflowing with fifty, hundred and thousand dollar bills. His second wish was for a chick magnet car. Everywhere he went there was a new Porsche/Ferrari/Lambo at his immediate disposal. His third wish was for a foot long dick and the midget is what he got stuck with.
 
chucku,

chucku

Charles Urbane
I knew a shrink who committed suicide. He did not like the reason but at least he knew why.
 
chucku,
G

Guest

Guest
These two morticians working at funeral home. one of them says to his boss "ok boss, i'm all done back there". the boss says great now we can get the hell out of here. the employee says there's just one thing, you know the lady who was brought in last night, i'm having a bit of a problem with her. the boss says what's the problem? the employee says, well she has "this big shrimp between her legs" and i don't know what to do with it. so the boss goes in look for himself, and says you fucking idiot, "that's no shrimp...that's a big-ass clitoris". the employee replies "damn...it tasted like a shrimp!" :lol:
 
Guest,
what did one snowman say to the other snowman....? "can you smell carrots?" Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper..? He sold his soul to Santa!
 
thevapedcrusader,
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Qbit

cannabanana
Q: What happens to a baby after 3 minutes in a microwave?

A: Dunno, I was too busy wanking.
 
Qbit,

icanreadgood

Well-Known Member
little background before this joke, john stamos was uncle jesse on "full house"

"i told john stamos i went to a bar and they had a drink named after him. he said, oh, they have a drink called secret fag?"
 

Ash

vaporist
Q: What's brown and white and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A pit-bull terrier

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions:
A: Seeing a busload of lawyers go over a cliff and realizing there was one empty seat.

A doctor and a lawyer are on the beach and they hear a woman screaming for help. She's 50 ft out in the water, surrounded by sharks. The doctor says, "oh my god, what are we going to do? I'd try to help her but I'd be eaten, too."
The lawyer says, "no problem". He dives into the surf and swims out to the woman. When he gets close the sharks stop circling and part to allow the lawyer to reach the woman. He then swims with her slowly back to the beach.
As he pulls the woman up onto the sand the doctor is in disbelief. "How did you do that?" he asked. "That was amazing. "It was no problem" the lawyer responded, "professional courtesy."
 
Ash,
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Bruce@Zephyr

Vapor Fan
Manufacturer
Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they are ugly and smell bad.

Why don't canibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
 
Bruce@Zephyr,
Bill Clinton explains the Monica Lewinski saga.... "it was all a big misunderstanding" says the ex pres, "the poor girl is deaf and all i said to her was hold my calls and sack my cook!"
 
thevapedcrusader,

AGBeer

Lost in Thought
A madman has kidnapped a beautiful maiden and takes her to a desolate island (surrounded by sharks, alligators and pirahana - hey they all get along in this story) where he holds her hostage demanding a huge ransom.

A large crowd on the fathers vessel has all come to watch as people line up to save the daughter.
A very tall muscular man says "I am strong, I will save your daughter" *Splash* Hes in the water swimming, only to be snatched up by a shark who eats him whole.
Then a really skinny toned guy steps up and says "Im quick like the wind, I will save your daughter" Zipping though the water, he almost makes it to the island but is eaten by an alligator and finished by the fishies.
Next thing you know you hear a *Splash* and a wiry little crack-head is swimming like crazy, dodging sharks and alligators, right passed the pirahana, onto the island where he kicks the shit out of the madman and saves the daughter, bringing her back to safety.

Relieved the multi-billionaire father is grateful to have his daughter back, he then offers the wet crack-head anything in the world he wants.
Anything? The crack-head says... I want that motherfucker who pushed me in!
 

AGBeer

Lost in Thought
Bruce@Zephyr said:
What is the difference between a snow man and a snowwoman? Snowballs
What is the difference between 'Light' and 'Hard'?

You can sleep with a light on...
 
AGBeer,

jimbo

winterize
just read this one today, had to share...


Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling,

But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the fuckin dishes!!!
 

momofthegoons

vapor accessory addict
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from
head to foot. The doctor comes in and says,
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness". Now
you probably won't remember, but you were in
a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to
be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but....
your penis was severed in the accident and we
couldn't find it.

The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
"You've got $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we now have the technology to
build a new penis." They work great but they
don't come cheap . It's $1000 an inch.

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,
"you must decide how many inches you want."
But this is something you should discuss with
your wife. If you had a five incher before
and get a nine incher now she might be a
bit put out. If you had a nine incher before
and you decide to only invest in a five incher
now, she might be disappointed. It's important
that she plays a role in helping you make a
decision.

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So,
have you spoken with your wife?"

Yes I have," says the man. "And has she
helped you make a decision?" Yes" says the
man. What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
We're getting granite countertops."
 
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