Joke thread
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Tranquility
Well-Known Member
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
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His_Highness
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
Reminds me of the ol' curse......may you live in interesting times.
In keeping with the thread purpose and this post...
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
In keeping with the thread purpose and this post...
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
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The Stray Fox
Separated from the group
Buzzbomb Almighty
Well-Known Member
A Russian was finally allowed to emigrate to Canada.
At Moscow Airport customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked, "What is this?"
The man replied, "'What is this?' Wrong question, comrade.
You should have asked, 'Who is he?' This is Comrade Lenin.
He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."
The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.
At Toronto Airport the Canadian customs officer also asked our friend: "What is this?"
He replied, "'What is this?' Wrong question, sir.
You should be asking 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a proud Russian to leave Russia.
I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."
The Canadian customs officer said, "I apologize, sir, you are cleared to go."
Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table and to celebrate his immigration he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.
One of his friends asked, "Who is this?"
He replied, "My dear friend, 'Who is this?' is the wrong question.
You should have asked 'What is this?’
This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax."
MORAL: Politics is when you can tell the same shit in different ways to fool a different audience and allows you to still look good in every situation.
At Moscow Airport customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked, "What is this?"
The man replied, "'What is this?' Wrong question, comrade.
You should have asked, 'Who is he?' This is Comrade Lenin.
He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."
The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.
At Toronto Airport the Canadian customs officer also asked our friend: "What is this?"
He replied, "'What is this?' Wrong question, sir.
You should be asking 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a proud Russian to leave Russia.
I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."
The Canadian customs officer said, "I apologize, sir, you are cleared to go."
Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table and to celebrate his immigration he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.
One of his friends asked, "Who is this?"
He replied, "My dear friend, 'Who is this?' is the wrong question.
You should have asked 'What is this?’
This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax."
MORAL: Politics is when you can tell the same shit in different ways to fool a different audience and allows you to still look good in every situation.
Relaxed
This Space For Rent
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be," then returned to
his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading
here that the Pope does."
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be," then returned to
his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading
here that the Pope does."
The Stray Fox
Separated from the group
The Stray Fox
Separated from the group
vapviking
Old & In the Way
A man and woman meet in a bar and share a couple of drinks, then find out they are both smokers, so they have that in common.
The man is feeling pretty comfortable by then and asks, "So, do you smoke after sex?"
The woman thinks on it a moment and says, "I don't know, I never looked..."
The man is feeling pretty comfortable by then and asks, "So, do you smoke after sex?"
The woman thinks on it a moment and says, "I don't know, I never looked..."
