vapomancer
Well-Known Member
What's the difference between hard and light ?
You CAN get to sleep with a light on
You CAN get to sleep with a light on
Joke thread
- Thread starter Purple-Days
- Start date
Belgianvapor
Well-Known Member
Can't blame him 
Seren
Away with the fairies
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
Seren
Away with the fairies
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
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![:\](/i/s/hmm.gif "Hmm :\")
If sex between three people is called a Threesome and sex between two people is called a Twosome...
Then why is Handsome still a compliment??
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman meet in an elevator.
"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
http://kickasshumor.com/all-time-best/9/funny-dirty-jokes#
"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If sex between three people is called a Threesome and sex between two people is called a Twosome...Then why is Handsome still a compliment??
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman meet in an elevator.
"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
http://kickasshumor.com/all-time-best/9/funny-dirty-jokes#
Seren
Away with the fairies
Patient: "Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake."
Doctor: "Ah, you must have analogy."
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
I just read that more people die from choking on sweet packaging than sweets themselves.
Gums don't kill people, wrappers do.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Doctor: "Ah, you must have analogy."
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
I just read that more people die from choking on sweet packaging than sweets themselves.
Gums don't kill people, wrappers do.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Radio
stay true to yourselves
Hahahahhahahahaha!
You're coming to my next party!
EveryDayAmnesiac
Well-Known Member
No, I don't think so. @Seren is actually already fully booked for any party I decide to throw so she can do her Mozart routine.
Yeah, Seren will probably be upset with me for posting this, but... I kinda like it when she's mad at me.
Seren
Away with the fairies
Inspired by recent postings in the Dark Knight Honor thread.....
This is the best vaporizer in the World!
* Simplistic design
* All Glass Airpath (right up to the plastic cap and ball of untested gorilla snot that holds in the plastic - bendable straws)
* Oh, and the tarry black reclaim is to die for... Yeah, literally, to die for!
*** Did I mention this works for Herbs, Concentrates, bugs, grass clippings, moist dirt, and almost anything else you can jam in the opening!
These are gonna sell out quick! Place your orders while you can!
Without top, can also make small batches of popcorn!
This is the best vaporizer in the World!
* Simplistic design
* All Glass Airpath (right up to the plastic cap and ball of untested gorilla snot that holds in the plastic - bendable straws)
* Oh, and the tarry black reclaim is to die for... Yeah, literally, to die for!
*** Did I mention this works for Herbs, Concentrates, bugs, grass clippings, moist dirt, and almost anything else you can jam in the opening!
These are gonna sell out quick! Place your orders while you can!
Without top, can also make small batches of popcorn!
Reflections
Well-Known Member
The rain was pouring down and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the
puddle.
A tipsy-looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was
doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man for
a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their
whisky, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the
puddle.
A tipsy-looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was
doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man for
a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their
whisky, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
NewToVaping
Well-Known Member
One of the best I've heard recently.
Out of curiosity, did you type that up from memory or copy and paste?
I will edit a joke into this in a few.
It's been a few years now, when is the joke coming?
Seren
Away with the fairies
An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
"Watson! I've overdosed on Immodium!" "No shit, Sherlock.”
A man robs a bank wearing a balaclava
'Did you see my face?' he says to the teller.
'Just a little bit.'
Bang. He shoots her.
'Did you see my face' he says to another teller.
'Only briefly' he says.
Bang. He shoots him.
He turns to a Jewish man who is standing beside him.
'Did you see my face?' he says
'No. I didn't' says the Jewish man 'But my wife did'.
I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.
I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently. I asked him how it was going to work, he replied, 'I'm going to play it by ear'.
My wife told me: 'Sex is better on holiday.' That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
"Watson! I've overdosed on Immodium!" "No shit, Sherlock.”
A man robs a bank wearing a balaclava
'Did you see my face?' he says to the teller.
'Just a little bit.'
Bang. He shoots her.
'Did you see my face' he says to another teller.
'Only briefly' he says.
Bang. He shoots him.
He turns to a Jewish man who is standing beside him.
'Did you see my face?' he says
'No. I didn't' says the Jewish man 'But my wife did'.
I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.
I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently. I asked him how it was going to work, he replied, 'I'm going to play it by ear'.
My wife told me: 'Sex is better on holiday.' That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
Abysmal Vapor
Supersniffer 2000 - robot fart detection device
http://www.dead-baby-joke.com/ ... won't post here anything from there
momofthegoons
vapor accessory addict
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
EveryDayAmnesiac
Well-Known Member
Two condoms are sitting in a bar.
One of them turns to the other and says, "Do you want a take a shot?"
And the other one says, "No, I'm still loaded from last night."
One of them turns to the other and says, "Do you want a take a shot?"
And the other one says, "No, I'm still loaded from last night."
Radio
stay true to yourselves
Purrito Purrpants
Vapurrist
Q: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
