ataxian
PALE BLUE DOT
Were so glad to have you!
"IKR" = "I Know RIGHT"!
How does mj help you?
- Thread starter momofthegoons
- Start date
"IKR" = "I Know RIGHT"!
imasinner
Just Some Loser
So, I know I’ve already shared a bit about my story with MMJ, however I find myself still needing to vent. I’m not sure if this is the right place for this post, so please forgive me if I’ve broken any rules.
Confessions of a Sinner
It’s funny how not even the anonymity of posting this online can shield me from the anxiety that comes from sharing such personal details of my life, but I’m tired of hiding. My father used to tell me, “What happens in this family, stays in the family.” So, new FC family, this one’s for you. I hope you’ll forgive me, for I have sinned.
I know that I have already shared certain things about my life, but for the sake of clarity in this post, I will have to repeat certain details. For instance, I already mentioned that I grew up with an alcoholic father. I’d like to take a minute to explain, for me, what that meant. I’ve been beaten, I’ve been screamed at, I’ve been made to do things and put in positions that no child should ever be exposed to… all of this by the man I call “Dad”. Where was my mom? Off embezzling money from the bank she managed so she could buy a house for the man she left us for. She then went to prison and back to that “man”. Shortly after this, I started writing poems as a way to vent. It feels weird sharing this, but I even resorted to cutting my wrists for a while. It sounds cliché, but it was nice being in control of my pain, even if it was just for a moment. That may seem dramatic, but (I feel weird sharing this, too) when you find yourself being scolded by your father after being sexually assaulted, you may find that you prefer the pain to seem self-inflicted for a while. Oh, and I was only eight years old when that happened, by the way. Eight.
So, how have I sinned? Even to this day, I can’t help but believe the poison that my father spent so many years filling me with. Hell, maybe that’s why I’m posting this. Maybe this is my first step towards really repairing the damage that was done. I don’t know. I honestly wrote this to try and get some advice on how to try and keep this screwed up relationship with my father from completely severing. He doesn’t approve of MMJ and I was worried that when he found out, he’d ignore me even more. As I write this, though, I can’t help but feel that this is something better left broken… or it may brake me.
My mind and body is constantly crippled by fear, but my forced patience (along with MMJ) has given birth to some wisdom. If nothing else, maybe I can at least offer a gift by sharing some of what I’ve learned.
I’ve learned that just because someone gave you life, it doesn’t give them the right to make it miserable.
I’ve learned that it’s never too late to start over.
I’ve learned that not all change is bad.
I’ve learned that it’s not selfish to love yourself. Sometimes you HAVE to put your needs first to be useful to anyone else.
But I think most importantly, what I’ve learned is that all the support in the world cannot GIVE you inner strength; that is something you must TAKE from within. So, surround yourself with people who believe in who YOU choose to be, not people asking you to be something you aren’t.
I’m not sure where my intentions have landed for this post. I’m not even sure if it’s entirely appropriate to make a post like this, so maybe that is another (unintentional) sin. Either way, I hope that someone out there can find something in this post that helps. If nothing else, at least I got to vent.
Confessions of a Sinner
It’s funny how not even the anonymity of posting this online can shield me from the anxiety that comes from sharing such personal details of my life, but I’m tired of hiding. My father used to tell me, “What happens in this family, stays in the family.” So, new FC family, this one’s for you. I hope you’ll forgive me, for I have sinned.
I know that I have already shared certain things about my life, but for the sake of clarity in this post, I will have to repeat certain details. For instance, I already mentioned that I grew up with an alcoholic father. I’d like to take a minute to explain, for me, what that meant. I’ve been beaten, I’ve been screamed at, I’ve been made to do things and put in positions that no child should ever be exposed to… all of this by the man I call “Dad”. Where was my mom? Off embezzling money from the bank she managed so she could buy a house for the man she left us for. She then went to prison and back to that “man”. Shortly after this, I started writing poems as a way to vent. It feels weird sharing this, but I even resorted to cutting my wrists for a while. It sounds cliché, but it was nice being in control of my pain, even if it was just for a moment. That may seem dramatic, but (I feel weird sharing this, too) when you find yourself being scolded by your father after being sexually assaulted, you may find that you prefer the pain to seem self-inflicted for a while. Oh, and I was only eight years old when that happened, by the way. Eight.
So, how have I sinned? Even to this day, I can’t help but believe the poison that my father spent so many years filling me with. Hell, maybe that’s why I’m posting this. Maybe this is my first step towards really repairing the damage that was done. I don’t know. I honestly wrote this to try and get some advice on how to try and keep this screwed up relationship with my father from completely severing. He doesn’t approve of MMJ and I was worried that when he found out, he’d ignore me even more. As I write this, though, I can’t help but feel that this is something better left broken… or it may brake me.
My mind and body is constantly crippled by fear, but my forced patience (along with MMJ) has given birth to some wisdom. If nothing else, maybe I can at least offer a gift by sharing some of what I’ve learned.
I’ve learned that just because someone gave you life, it doesn’t give them the right to make it miserable.
I’ve learned that it’s never too late to start over.
I’ve learned that not all change is bad.
I’ve learned that it’s not selfish to love yourself. Sometimes you HAVE to put your needs first to be useful to anyone else.
But I think most importantly, what I’ve learned is that all the support in the world cannot GIVE you inner strength; that is something you must TAKE from within. So, surround yourself with people who believe in who YOU choose to be, not people asking you to be something you aren’t.
I’m not sure where my intentions have landed for this post. I’m not even sure if it’s entirely appropriate to make a post like this, so maybe that is another (unintentional) sin. Either way, I hope that someone out there can find something in this post that helps. If nothing else, at least I got to vent.
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Vitolo
Vaporist
No sinning has occurred here.
Your Ego has suffered trauma...
and your present is riddled with "old tapes" from the past.
It is unfortunate that such a vulnerable soul was made to feel such guilt.
You are guilty of nothing... but blindly believing in the Father figure.. when he was in the wrong....
But this guilt is removed by the truth that you knew no other way.
I take responsibility for encouraging @imasinner to talk openly here.
I could not think of a place better to house these thoughts.
@imasinner ..... you have discussed in this post exactly what this thread is about....
"How MJ helps you."
You have said:
It sounds to me like you posted in the perfect thread.
You have discussed how MJ has helped you.
You had to tell about how life's conditions broke you first... to get to the spot where you could tell about how MJ has helped!
Your Ego has suffered trauma...
and your present is riddled with "old tapes" from the past.
It is unfortunate that such a vulnerable soul was made to feel such guilt.
You are guilty of nothing... but blindly believing in the Father figure.. when he was in the wrong....
But this guilt is removed by the truth that you knew no other way.
I take responsibility for encouraging @imasinner to talk openly here.
I could not think of a place better to house these thoughts.
@imasinner ..... you have discussed in this post exactly what this thread is about....
"How MJ helps you."
You have said:
It sounds to me like you posted in the perfect thread.
You have discussed how MJ has helped you.
You had to tell about how life's conditions broke you first... to get to the spot where you could tell about how MJ has helped!
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imasinner
Just Some Loser
Wow, thank you @Vitolo. Really.
Unfortunately, it is hard not to think of everything I do as a sin. Possibly because at times my very existence feels like one.
It is sometimes hard for me to separate the truth from deeply entrenched values taught by a man responsible for helping to shape the person I was to become. I find myself dealing with the shattered remains of splintered personalities created to survive whatever situation I was in. But now that I’m in a relatively stable environment, I'm realizing that the skills I taught myself have no use. Well, I suppose that isn’t entirely true. If nothing else, the experience has made me extremely empathetic and sensitive to the struggles that others face. I’m the type of person that gives until it hurts, whether I want to or not. If that means I have to carry this baggage around with me forever, so be it.
Either way, thank you for your kind words and support. It is nice to get the “crazy” out every now and again.
Unfortunately, it is hard not to think of everything I do as a sin. Possibly because at times my very existence feels like one.
It is sometimes hard for me to separate the truth from deeply entrenched values taught by a man responsible for helping to shape the person I was to become. I find myself dealing with the shattered remains of splintered personalities created to survive whatever situation I was in. But now that I’m in a relatively stable environment, I'm realizing that the skills I taught myself have no use. Well, I suppose that isn’t entirely true. If nothing else, the experience has made me extremely empathetic and sensitive to the struggles that others face. I’m the type of person that gives until it hurts, whether I want to or not. If that means I have to carry this baggage around with me forever, so be it.
Either way, thank you for your kind words and support. It is nice to get the “crazy” out every now and again.
Reflections
Well-Known Member
I have had to vape a few stems just reading this thread..my heart goes out to you all and big hugs to all that we share a common friend.
My story is similar to @iamasinner...hell in fact my name is cyn..I felt the same as you..it happens when you have been physically and mentally abused as a child..you have to learn not to blame yourself,and that they were the sinners and had problems themselves but dealt with it in a horrible way.. I dont think I'll ever be able to forgive them (both parents abusive alcoholics).
So I started smoking hash when i was 11, it helped me cope and let me live in a different reality for awhile.
I was living in europe at that time ,thats all they had there.
I first had mj when i was 16 and it has helped me through my journey in life to cope..especially when I got IBS later in my life. It has helped me survive with a smile over four decades.
My story is similar to @iamasinner...hell in fact my name is cyn..I felt the same as you..it happens when you have been physically and mentally abused as a child..you have to learn not to blame yourself,and that they were the sinners and had problems themselves but dealt with it in a horrible way.. I dont think I'll ever be able to forgive them (both parents abusive alcoholics).
So I started smoking hash when i was 11, it helped me cope and let me live in a different reality for awhile.
I was living in europe at that time ,thats all they had there.
I first had mj when i was 16 and it has helped me through my journey in life to cope..especially when I got IBS later in my life. It has helped me survive with a smile over four decades.
DOOM
Well-Known Member
ADD is a b*tch but MJ helps out sometimes especially if im under pressure from clients.
But MJ still sometimes make my MJ worse, I'll be stoked on starting a new work project after I'm done toking, then 30 minutes later im on liveleak.com watching russians beat the living sh*t out of each other. I get distracted easily
But MJ still sometimes make my MJ worse, I'll be stoked on starting a new work project after I'm done toking, then 30 minutes later im on liveleak.com watching russians beat the living sh*t out of each other. I get distracted easily
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Let me preface this all by saying I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome at age eleven. I have very few memories before age fourteen or fifteen (having excised or dealt with many of said memories as a coping mechanism). According to family I was a pretty moderate case, most of my issues were social interaction based and "education"/motivation based. Beyond that, I have some depressive tendencies tied to my Aspergers and general personality type. My social issues have almost completely disappeared, and some of my social weaknesses I have actually turned into serious strengths. My "educational" weaknesses have not improved, honestly, but I have learned how to deal with them via my strengths. I have good, close friends. People put their trust into me, both on a tangible level (friends have left half ounces and more with me for weeks with zero concern, they know using their bud without explicit permission would go against my personal philosophy) and on a personal level (again, people know that if they confide in me, unless there is damn good reason, such as someones life being in undue danger, I cannot and will not betray that confidence). I'm in a healthy, stable, happy relationship, something I've very rarely had before. I cook professionally, which can be one of the most high energy, high stress, confusing, loud, and constantly changing environments you can be in. I don't think a damn bit of it would have been capable without cannabis.
I've considered myself a recreational smoker for most of my smoking life. I smoked from age 13 until just before my 18th birthday on a more and less regular basis (sometimes daily for weeks, sometimes a few time a month), and then again from just after my 20th birthday until now (I turned 21 a month ago, so a little less than a year almost daily). To an extent, I still do. I am not a prescribed medical user. As far as I'm aware, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE correct me if I am wrong, there has been very little research into the social-medicinal benefits of cannabis for people on any variation of the autistic spectrum, specifically how it impacts our interpersonal interactions. This is kind of irrelevant, though. For most of my smoking life, I never used cannabis as a medicine. I never used it as a way to deal with human interactions more appropriately. It did that for me anyway.
I was not aware of it during my first tenure smoking, and I have only been fairly recently aware of it now, though the thought had occurred to me before, but all of my periods of serious personal and social development have been during times of regular, heavy or light, cannabis use. I have found that consuming cannabis, in any form, on a regular basis massively improves the ability of my brain to make social and interpersonal connections in a way that is at least compatible with interacting with neurotypicals (I hate this term but it is disappointingly accurate to some degree). I have found that my ability to socialize is actually on par with that of a typical "type a" extrovert, while still maintaining my own personal view point. I still have the same strong, often unwavering, thoughts and opinions I have always had, but the difference between me with cannabinoids and me without is that with cannabinoids I can actually discuss and explain with people, whereas without I was much more likely to tune you out at best or berate you at worst. Cannabis allows me to take some of the most polarizing characteristics about my aspergers and my general personality, like my self assured mindset in my decisions, and allows me to present them in a way where they are generally positive instead of generally negative. It also takes some of the true negatives, like my insecurity when dealing with large groups of people, and completely turn them around. Groups make me nervous and often times silent almost completely... unless I've used cannabis in the last few days. If I have, I can walk up to almost any group of people and start a successful conversation. Same goes for one on one encounters.
This is all without even getting into the emotional development that cannabis has made possible for me. I have LEARNED emotions that some MDs have questioned if I was capable of. I say learned, but what I really mean is that I learned how to have access to them, understand them, and use them. Prior to that, emotions were nothing more than blind swatches of whatever emotion they were. I could feel them, to some degree or another (most of my emotions are/were also very stunted from a young age, i.e I was a "cold" child), but there was very little mental processing to them. So, I felt them but I couldn't really comprehend what they meant. Cannabis has again opened the door for me to learn and experience and feel and be so many more things than I would have ever expected to be without it.
I do use cannabis for some other basic medicinal needs. There is a mason jar of tinture on my desk specifically for achy joints, muscles, and when I need an anxiety or depression fix more than a "high".
I've considered myself a recreational smoker for most of my smoking life. I smoked from age 13 until just before my 18th birthday on a more and less regular basis (sometimes daily for weeks, sometimes a few time a month), and then again from just after my 20th birthday until now (I turned 21 a month ago, so a little less than a year almost daily). To an extent, I still do. I am not a prescribed medical user. As far as I'm aware, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE correct me if I am wrong, there has been very little research into the social-medicinal benefits of cannabis for people on any variation of the autistic spectrum, specifically how it impacts our interpersonal interactions. This is kind of irrelevant, though. For most of my smoking life, I never used cannabis as a medicine. I never used it as a way to deal with human interactions more appropriately. It did that for me anyway.
I was not aware of it during my first tenure smoking, and I have only been fairly recently aware of it now, though the thought had occurred to me before, but all of my periods of serious personal and social development have been during times of regular, heavy or light, cannabis use. I have found that consuming cannabis, in any form, on a regular basis massively improves the ability of my brain to make social and interpersonal connections in a way that is at least compatible with interacting with neurotypicals (I hate this term but it is disappointingly accurate to some degree). I have found that my ability to socialize is actually on par with that of a typical "type a" extrovert, while still maintaining my own personal view point. I still have the same strong, often unwavering, thoughts and opinions I have always had, but the difference between me with cannabinoids and me without is that with cannabinoids I can actually discuss and explain with people, whereas without I was much more likely to tune you out at best or berate you at worst. Cannabis allows me to take some of the most polarizing characteristics about my aspergers and my general personality, like my self assured mindset in my decisions, and allows me to present them in a way where they are generally positive instead of generally negative. It also takes some of the true negatives, like my insecurity when dealing with large groups of people, and completely turn them around. Groups make me nervous and often times silent almost completely... unless I've used cannabis in the last few days. If I have, I can walk up to almost any group of people and start a successful conversation. Same goes for one on one encounters.
This is all without even getting into the emotional development that cannabis has made possible for me. I have LEARNED emotions that some MDs have questioned if I was capable of. I say learned, but what I really mean is that I learned how to have access to them, understand them, and use them. Prior to that, emotions were nothing more than blind swatches of whatever emotion they were. I could feel them, to some degree or another (most of my emotions are/were also very stunted from a young age, i.e I was a "cold" child), but there was very little mental processing to them. So, I felt them but I couldn't really comprehend what they meant. Cannabis has again opened the door for me to learn and experience and feel and be so many more things than I would have ever expected to be without it.
I do use cannabis for some other basic medicinal needs. There is a mason jar of tinture on my desk specifically for achy joints, muscles, and when I need an anxiety or depression fix more than a "high".
Enchantre
Oil Painter
Welcome, dwc3232!
My son is a caregiver/facilitator for a small number of clients that are on the less functional end of Asperger's & Autism. He himself uses cannabis to calm his own anxiety issues, and to be able to function better in society. He's discussing with whoever will listen (family members, other staff, medical contacts) how he sees that cannabis could help with the clients. As this is a medical state, there is a possibility that, at least for their most challenging clients, it might actually get tried!
I am so glad to hear that it is helping you, much as it helps me (different details, same remedy!).
Enjoy FC!
My son is a caregiver/facilitator for a small number of clients that are on the less functional end of Asperger's & Autism. He himself uses cannabis to calm his own anxiety issues, and to be able to function better in society. He's discussing with whoever will listen (family members, other staff, medical contacts) how he sees that cannabis could help with the clients. As this is a medical state, there is a possibility that, at least for their most challenging clients, it might actually get tried!
I am so glad to hear that it is helping you, much as it helps me (different details, same remedy!).
Enjoy FC!
ataxian
PALE BLUE DOT
Reducing CANNABIS consumption back fires every time I try it.
When I was over one gram per day I was so much better? Lately I have been trying to reduce and I become worse? Plus this heat is killing me!
momofthegoons
vapor accessory addict
Wow..... I have just revisited this thread for the first time in a long while. And first off, want to say a big thank you to all that have contributed your stories and also a huge thank you to @Vitolo for "carrying the ball" and providing such wonderful advice and support to all of you.
I recently had a conversation with my caregiver about all of the things I've learned about mmj and how it benefits those who use it. Recently, a pharmacist invested in our cooperative and as a result it is now expanding with an eye to the future. This pharmacist would like to interview me to get an idea of how mmj helps people and this thread is one of the places I will point him.
From smoking/vaping to topical and edible uses, this green miracle of ours astounds me. The amount of good it can do for such a variety of ailments is amazing. What other plant can be such an incredible medicine, be used to make clothing, etc.? I am proud to be a part of this community that embraces this holistic miracle of ours and seeks to promote it's goodness.
I recently had a conversation with my caregiver about all of the things I've learned about mmj and how it benefits those who use it. Recently, a pharmacist invested in our cooperative and as a result it is now expanding with an eye to the future. This pharmacist would like to interview me to get an idea of how mmj helps people and this thread is one of the places I will point him.
From smoking/vaping to topical and edible uses, this green miracle of ours astounds me. The amount of good it can do for such a variety of ailments is amazing. What other plant can be such an incredible medicine, be used to make clothing, etc.? I am proud to be a part of this community that embraces this holistic miracle of ours and seeks to promote it's goodness.
Enchantre
Oil Painter
Same here... every time I relax and don't keep ahead of the pain, I end up with worse symptoms, and my BP rises.
Cannabis is the answer to so many things.
t-dub
Vapor Sloth
Reducing the need for weed is possible, I'm doing it, but it wasn't planned. The first big reduction was starting to take IM shots of Toradol, a very powerful anti-inflammatory. This instantly cut my need in half. Yep, my medicine became twice as strong overnight. Now with EMDR therapy for my PTSD and Holosync mediation I feel I am reducing my need even more. In fact, I may be changing so much that it's altering how I relate to this community. I have been really depressed lately, cathartic release, so that may be part of the issue as well. I no longer view alcohol as a "tool" either, a fantastic change for the good.
ataxian
PALE BLUE DOT
I saw the Doctor again this morning and he was telling me how important sleep is so he gave another prescription of sleeping medicine.
I have this strain called BLACK WATER that I vaporize before bed and 8 hours of deep sleep follow. So I will take a natural approach to my medical needs.
I'm lucky as well because I can't drink normal beer (Gluten Free) or hard liquor.
1/2 glass of high quality wine while vaporizing some top shelf flowers at 420. Yes so cannabis helps me the most and keeps me healthy!
We are all different and the drugs the doctors think will help make me worse!
Cannabis works better in my case because there are no side effects!
CarolKing
Singer of songs and a vapor connoisseur
When I drink alcohol it flairs up my joint pain the next day.
For sleep try taking melatonin. I was at a dispensary and bought some fudge with RSO and melatonin, it worked very well. I've taken melatonin tablets before and they have helped.
It didn't work as well as the fudge.
For sleep try taking melatonin. I was at a dispensary and bought some fudge with RSO and melatonin, it worked very well. I've taken melatonin tablets before and they have helped.
It didn't work as well as the fudge.
ataxian
PALE BLUE DOT
Melatonin gives me a hang over so I find cannabis 100x better in my case.
If melatonin works for your case by all means go for it.
My brother can eat products with gluten with no problems.
If have even a trace of gluten I'm down for the count.
We all react differently to exposure!
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t-dub
Vapor Sloth
Its interesting because when I first started vaporizing 4 years ago, it was cannabis replacing the pharmaceutical medications. I was able to drop completely my blood pressure medication for instance and I no longer take opiates. So we are coming full circle. I just got approved for my new drug today at the rheumatologist. Its called apremilast/Otezla from Celgene, and I am really excited. This drug will alter my immune system at an enzyme level that blocks more than TNF@ and Interleukins like I'm doing now. If I can tolerate this new drug it could be a real game changer.
http://www.otezla.com/
http://www.otezla.com/
ataxian
PALE BLUE DOT
I hope it works!
I started cannabis in 1970 as a recreational user. In HAWAII on the North Shore we threw seeds on the ground early April and surfed until the last week of October until harvest.
Then we surfed until April and threw down more seeds. We did not water, fertilize or prune. God is a better gardener than man. After being a surf hippie I went back to college and got my degree and became corporate. Quit cannabis for 3 decades. Had to retire early because of my ATAXIA. After almost dieing from the drugs the doctors were giving me I tried cannabis. I was like WOW! I walked and talked better? WTF why did I have to find a better way to manage than these Top Doctors? I hope they find a cure one day while I'm still alive!
SunnyHours
Well-Known Member
I tried a bunch of anti-depressant and ended up feeling like I might, if pushed, commit suicide because of them. I still think about it but mostly because I'm failing at life..anyways back to the Anti-depressants. It was bad. I also had erectile dysfunction because of Celexa when I was like 15-16yo!!!
Cannabis is really a miracle for me. Usually I can go pretty haywire if I don't get my morning dose. When I just wake up I tend to be a bit of a dick. Without my morning toke I might be banging on things and stuff, for the sake of my Mother, nowadays I vape first thing in the morning to ensure peaceful relationships
I do think that without Cannabis I would be in a padded cell right now
I do feel like I am quite fucked up and not made for the lifestyle of today, but that's probably my ADD talking
Cannabis is really a miracle for me. Usually I can go pretty haywire if I don't get my morning dose. When I just wake up I tend to be a bit of a dick. Without my morning toke I might be banging on things and stuff, for the sake of my Mother, nowadays I vape first thing in the morning to ensure peaceful relationships
I do think that without Cannabis I would be in a padded cell right now
I do feel like I am quite fucked up and not made for the lifestyle of today, but that's probably my ADD talking
ataxian
PALE BLUE DOT
I hear you!I tried a bunch of anti-depressant and ended up feeling like I might, if pushed, commit suicide because of them. I still think about it but mostly because I'm failing at life..anyways back to the Anti-depressants. It was bad. I also had erectile dysfunction because of Celexa when I was like 15-16yo!!!
Cannabis is really a miracle for me. Usually I can go pretty haywire if I don't get my morning dose. When I just wake up I tend to be a bit of a dick. Without my morning toke I might be banging on things and stuff, for the sake of my Mother, nowadays I vape first thing in the morning to ensure peaceful relationships
I do think that without Cannabis I would be in a padded cell right now
I do feel like I am quite fucked up and not made for the lifestyle of today, but that's probably my ADD talking
The doctors gave me anti-depressants and sleeping pills.
I had to quit them as well as some pain pills.
Cannabis works much better with out the side effects.
My moods are more stable with cannabis.
The anti-depressants made me more depressed?
The sleeping pills made me sleep walk?
Plus I would feel worse in the morning?
I can't handle a pure sativa because I become way too paranoid!
Indicas couch lock me.
So here I am mixing for function.
Indicas 100% before bed. (BLACK WATER)
Hybrids wake & vake!
70/30 60/40 Indica/Sativa (GIRL SCOUT COOKIES, DUTCH TREAT)
Cactus Cooler was my favorite until I got paranoid from it! (30/70)
I'm still learning!