Vicki
Herbal Alchemist
Your whole family is in our prayers.
Fuck the Parkinson's, the Dr just gave me a reason to smoke MORE!
- Thread starter mvapes
- Start date
Your whole family is in our prayers.
Campers Crumpet
What has been seen can not be unseen :|
Why hadn't she been given insulin ? It's a possibility that high sugar levels are contributing to her illness. The fact she hadn't had insulin shows such neglect on the medical staff. Sorry to be up front, but it's not good enough.
Being septic is bloody awful, I've been there many a time so please make sure the retarded medical staff are giving your nanny high pain meds, and on time.
Ask about a muscle relaxant too, with being septic you can get what's called rigors, they can be painful.
As far as you Mvapes, this is too much for you, what support are you getting ? I'd be there in a flash to hold your hand if I wasn't about a 35 hour plane ride away.
Think about how you need to be at peace with this and how best you can help your nanny be in comfort in her final times.
Can you go there ? You need to be there by the sound of the situation.
My thoughts are with you, but please please crack a whip at the medical staff and let this play out right.
Hugs x
VaporsVaporizer
On the Stoop
mvapes, my sincerest condolences for your granny and your family.
t-dub
Vapor Sloth
@mvapes Peace be with you and your family during this terrible moment in time 
Just want to let everyone know I am ok, but I am taking a break from here for a while. Last thing I remember it was Saturday, I was drinking wine and taking some pills, I was feeling "weird" at the time I guess. I woke up Monday with a bunch of patches and shit left on my chest from the ER. I guess my BAC was 0.25 when I went in. I have no memory of the hospital at all. Anyways, it wasn't exactly a suicide attempt but more of a mistake. This EMDR therapy is breaking pain loose that I have been medicating with alcohol and covering up for decades. This therapy is real, and it works fast. However it absolutely should not be attempted without using a professional and also living in a completely safe and supportive environment where you are not alone for long. I have started dreaming again and weeping uncontrollably at odd times. Unprocessed memories and PTSD suck. This is why I cannot accept social violence in any form and I oppose people who are bullies or support beating people up to "teach them a lesson" or want to make the world safe for "bar fights" like in the old west.
Anyways I didn't want to come in here to create a bunch of drama, just want to let you guys know I am safe, and I will be around, just not as much for a bit, and I won't be reporting on my beta test of the concentrate attachment for a while either because, I just don't feel like it.
Just want to let everyone know I am ok, but I am taking a break from here for a while. Last thing I remember it was Saturday, I was drinking wine and taking some pills, I was feeling "weird" at the time I guess. I woke up Monday with a bunch of patches and shit left on my chest from the ER. I guess my BAC was 0.25 when I went in. I have no memory of the hospital at all. Anyways, it wasn't exactly a suicide attempt but more of a mistake. This EMDR therapy is breaking pain loose that I have been medicating with alcohol and covering up for decades. This therapy is real, and it works fast. However it absolutely should not be attempted without using a professional and also living in a completely safe and supportive environment where you are not alone for long. I have started dreaming again and weeping uncontrollably at odd times. Unprocessed memories and PTSD suck. This is why I cannot accept social violence in any form and I oppose people who are bullies or support beating people up to "teach them a lesson" or want to make the world safe for "bar fights" like in the old west.
Anyways I didn't want to come in here to create a bunch of drama, just want to let you guys know I am safe, and I will be around, just not as much for a bit, and I won't be reporting on my beta test of the concentrate attachment for a while either because, I just don't feel like it.
Enchantre
Oil Painter
Take care. Glad you are safe.@mvapes Peace be with you and your family during this terrible moment in time
Just want to let everyone know I am ok, but I am taking a break from here for a while. Last thing I remember it was Saturday, I was drinking wine and taking some pills, I was feeling "weird" at the time I guess. I woke up Monday with a bunch of patches and shit left on my chest from the ER. I guess my BAC was 0.25 when I went in. I have no memory of the hospital at all. Anyways, it wasn't exactly a suicide attempt but more of a mistake. This EMDR therapy is breaking pain loose that I have been medicating with alcohol and covering up for decades. This therapy is real, and it works fast. However it absolutely should not be attempted without using a professional and also living in a completely safe and supportive environment where you are not alone for long. I have started dreaming again and weeping uncontrollably at odd times. Unprocessed memories and PTSD suck. This is why I cannot accept social violence in any form and I oppose people who are bullies or support beating people up to "teach them a lesson" or want to make the world safe for "bar fights" like in the old west.
Anyways I didn't want to come in here to create a bunch of drama, just want to let you guys know I am safe, and I will be around, just not as much for a bit, and I won't be reporting on my beta test of the concentrate attachment for a while either because, I just don't feel like it.
@mvapes I am sorry I spaced off your Nanny's situation this morning. Of course your focus is there, and I hope for the best for you and yours, always.
Vicki
Herbal Alchemist
Be careful while you're gone, and don't forget to take enough (legal) meds to last until you get back.
Just got off the phone with my mother who just got the fucking hospital and mistakenly regardless of her DNR they went ahead and started fucking IV's and fucking force feeding her!
What don't they fucking understand about we want her to go peacefully!
I'm sitting here spinning my fucking marbles and I need to take a break from it. My wife is awesome, I got a package today unexpectedly and it came from a discreetly labeled company. She bought me a piece of glass (a hops showerhead micro) for easter or 4/20. But there was a note in the box that said "I hope this brings a smile to your face."
G_d I love her.
My piece from hops. The first time wife has done anything like this. Aside from the times I lied so my friends wouldn't twist my olives for buy another piece.
What don't they fucking understand about we want her to go peacefully!
I'm sitting here spinning my fucking marbles and I need to take a break from it. My wife is awesome, I got a package today unexpectedly and it came from a discreetly labeled company. She bought me a piece of glass (a hops showerhead micro) for easter or 4/20. But there was a note in the box that said "I hope this brings a smile to your face."
G_d I love her.
My piece from hops. The first time wife has done anything like this. Aside from the times I lied so my friends wouldn't twist my olives for buy another piece.
VaporsVaporizer
On the Stoop
@mvapes The hospital didn't do anything wrong, a DNR is only for resuscitation . Fluids and nutrition are not considered part of a DNR. If she's capable, a AND (allow natural death ) form should be in place and also a DNI (do not intubate) Fluids, nutrition and pain meds are aren't considered interfering with a DNR.
http://stonybrookmedicine.edu/patientcare/dnr
Your wife loves you
http://stonybrookmedicine.edu/patientcare/dnr
Your wife loves you
@mvapes The hospital didn't do anything wrong, a DNR is only for resuscitation . Fluids and nutrition are not considered part of a DNR. If she's capable, a AND (allow natural death ) form should be in place and also a DNI (do not intubate) Fluids, nutrition and pain meds are aren't considered interfering with a DNR.
http://stonybrookmedicine.edu/patientcare/dnr
Your wife loves you
We did sign a DNI. On top of this shit, my grandmother has no teeth. She's been on a liguid diet for years. Why the fuck were they putting full pieces of chicken, string beans, and rice. Granted, we want her to pass but do it by choking?
Keep in mind that before her doctor left for easter she said that they were just going to keep her comfortable until she returned when we could discuss hospice. Now she's gone and the nurses are not only not disclosing what meds they gave her but now my mother is being torn apart cause thanks to whatever the fuck they gave her she's been in and out of lucidity all fucking day.
Sorry if I sound upset but I promise if you heard my mother on the phone you'd appreciate my hurt.
VaporsVaporizer
On the Stoop
No, i totally understand what you are saying. I have no clue why they are feeding her whole food but fluids and supportive care are standard. Hospice is much better for end of life directives.
VaporsVaporizer
On the Stoop
You got is, is she east or north of NYC so i know which way to blow.
RUDE BOY
Space is the Place
Believe it or not I enjoy 420 pretty much every day so I'll blow a bunch that way today along with a few prayers for Nannie and the rest of the mvapes clan.
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Believe it or not I enjoy 420 pretty much every day so I'll blow a bunch that way today along with a few prayers for Nannie and the rest of the mvapes clan.
You're blowing at what's left of a woman that means so much to me....
Thank you....
Enchantre
Oil Painter
I am so sorry, mvapes, for feeling compelled to post this today. I do feel so badly for you, and your dear Nanny.
************
I have felt a part of this community in so many ways, but I rarely open up about my own particular brand of mental illness & dis-ability.
So many times, I have read someone's posting about their struggle, and their realizations, and I want to join in, share my similar experience... but, then, hard on the heels of feeling a sense of connection, my inner demons start in on how wrong I am, how bad of a person, how I was nothing like them, their pain is real, their struggle is real, and I'm just making this all about me.
Yes, I will throw out there that, way back in the early days of this thread, I've thrown out there my feelings of unworthiness, and got back warm compassion and encouragement. I don't want anyone to think that I don't/didn't appreciate that immensely. It just doesn't change the voices.
I want to express that I too have similar feelings and struggles, but I am judged a fraud by my internal demons. Every time someone on here has had a disappointment with someone else, I've immediately, knee-jerk reaction, taken the blame to myself. I have to actually talk out loud sometimes, to remind myself, that it is about someone "not me".
Every time I think about posting, I rehearse. Repeatedly. I visualize every possible (to me) reaction I might get. I try the most to not offend anyone, to not hurt anyone, and to be accurate. If I actually posted as often as I want to... well, dominating the boards is inconsiderate anyway.
I honestly don't want anyone to think that I ever mean to belittle, pass lightly over, or ignore the validity of anyone's posts or life experience, and I don't mean to, when I post.
I have been having a rough go of it the past few days. Well, really, my whole fucking life. It just hit an existential crisis point on Tuesday. I've fumbled badly in trying to "check in", as I'm flailing about looking for emotional support, and I have no way to ask for it. I'm scared absolutely spitless, and I feel guilty as fucking hell even mentioning it here, as my troubles are nothing in the face of what so many here deal with daily.
I'm just exhausted with putting on the happy face, the personna that always has her shit together, that is always caring and giving. and now, I feel like a heel for admitting that I'd like to not have to be the giver.
This has been pre-typed out in notepad, as until it is actually put out there, I have no real clue if I'll find the guts to do it. To admit that I have a serious mental illness and I am terrified that there will be no "happy ever after" for my life.
My initial knee-jerk reaction to everything, including putting this out there, is to apologize. I apologize for existing. I have a fear of inconveniencing anyone (tried to call it a phobia, and got beat up about that by one of the internal demons).
I have a good handle, I think, on the names of the demons that torture me. The names (clinical diagnosis - which I refuse to go get, as I will not use pharmas for this. Just another demon) are not important, but each one terrifies me. I have made many deep realizations that have led to further "names"...
Lest anyone worry (please do not worry about me - wouldn't want to inconvenience you. Of course, another demon points out that of course I want you to worry, otherwise I wouldn't have told anyone my story, as it is ALL ABOUT ME, of course. I'm so fucking self-centered) I am not alone in this. My hubby is my safe place. He's been weathering this storm and keeping me alive (no shit). He's no stranger to shit, but I may have taken him places he didn't know existed. He's solid, and I don't deserve him. But I am safe, so thank you, if you do care.
Please, never think I don't care. I do. I know your struggles are awful, and I KNOW you don't deserve any of them. I am just so sorry that I often post stupid shit that is all about me.
************
I have felt a part of this community in so many ways, but I rarely open up about my own particular brand of mental illness & dis-ability.
So many times, I have read someone's posting about their struggle, and their realizations, and I want to join in, share my similar experience... but, then, hard on the heels of feeling a sense of connection, my inner demons start in on how wrong I am, how bad of a person, how I was nothing like them, their pain is real, their struggle is real, and I'm just making this all about me.
Yes, I will throw out there that, way back in the early days of this thread, I've thrown out there my feelings of unworthiness, and got back warm compassion and encouragement. I don't want anyone to think that I don't/didn't appreciate that immensely. It just doesn't change the voices.
I want to express that I too have similar feelings and struggles, but I am judged a fraud by my internal demons. Every time someone on here has had a disappointment with someone else, I've immediately, knee-jerk reaction, taken the blame to myself. I have to actually talk out loud sometimes, to remind myself, that it is about someone "not me".
Every time I think about posting, I rehearse. Repeatedly. I visualize every possible (to me) reaction I might get. I try the most to not offend anyone, to not hurt anyone, and to be accurate. If I actually posted as often as I want to... well, dominating the boards is inconsiderate anyway.
I honestly don't want anyone to think that I ever mean to belittle, pass lightly over, or ignore the validity of anyone's posts or life experience, and I don't mean to, when I post.
I have been having a rough go of it the past few days. Well, really, my whole fucking life. It just hit an existential crisis point on Tuesday. I've fumbled badly in trying to "check in", as I'm flailing about looking for emotional support, and I have no way to ask for it. I'm scared absolutely spitless, and I feel guilty as fucking hell even mentioning it here, as my troubles are nothing in the face of what so many here deal with daily.
I'm just exhausted with putting on the happy face, the personna that always has her shit together, that is always caring and giving. and now, I feel like a heel for admitting that I'd like to not have to be the giver.
This has been pre-typed out in notepad, as until it is actually put out there, I have no real clue if I'll find the guts to do it. To admit that I have a serious mental illness and I am terrified that there will be no "happy ever after" for my life.
My initial knee-jerk reaction to everything, including putting this out there, is to apologize. I apologize for existing. I have a fear of inconveniencing anyone (tried to call it a phobia, and got beat up about that by one of the internal demons).
I have a good handle, I think, on the names of the demons that torture me. The names (clinical diagnosis - which I refuse to go get, as I will not use pharmas for this. Just another demon) are not important, but each one terrifies me. I have made many deep realizations that have led to further "names"...
Lest anyone worry (please do not worry about me - wouldn't want to inconvenience you. Of course, another demon points out that of course I want you to worry, otherwise I wouldn't have told anyone my story, as it is ALL ABOUT ME, of course. I'm so fucking self-centered) I am not alone in this. My hubby is my safe place. He's been weathering this storm and keeping me alive (no shit). He's no stranger to shit, but I may have taken him places he didn't know existed. He's solid, and I don't deserve him. But I am safe, so thank you, if you do care.
Please, never think I don't care. I do. I know your struggles are awful, and I KNOW you don't deserve any of them. I am just so sorry that I often post stupid shit that is all about me.
I'm proud of you @Enchantre! I respect the set you have....
And you're always welcome to speak freely here. Fuck that with everybody's problem's making you feel the way you do! Like I say, being surrounded by the healthy makes us do some crazy shit!
I should have named this thread Fuck the Normal. I'm convinced that no one without illness can truly understand our lives. What it's fucking like to get out of bed every morning and saying to yourself "it wasn't supposed to be like this!"
They feel bad until you're away. Then it's back to normal for them.
I'll tell you what, I meant it when I said PD made me a better man. This is my normal and it stays that way as long as when I lay in that bed at night, that very bed that I woke up from angry, and say "look what I've accomplished today with PD" it makes me proud of myself.
Don't let it beat you either. Take it, embrace it, and kick it's ass!
And you're always welcome to speak freely here. Fuck that with everybody's problem's making you feel the way you do! Like I say, being surrounded by the healthy makes us do some crazy shit!
I should have named this thread Fuck the Normal. I'm convinced that no one without illness can truly understand our lives. What it's fucking like to get out of bed every morning and saying to yourself "it wasn't supposed to be like this!"
They feel bad until you're away. Then it's back to normal for them.
I'll tell you what, I meant it when I said PD made me a better man. This is my normal and it stays that way as long as when I lay in that bed at night, that very bed that I woke up from angry, and say "look what I've accomplished today with PD" it makes me proud of myself.
Don't let it beat you either. Take it, embrace it, and kick it's ass!
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t-dub
Vapor Sloth
@Enchantre we love you, thats what this place is for 
I also have very little energy to give, but unlike the nice person you are (that I wish I was), I hate people and really couldn't give a fuck what they think about anything unless they have governmental authority over me or are pointing a weapon at me, or both. The main reason I check my posts here is because I don't want to risk my membership. I delete over half of what I write, you guys never see it. Some of it goes into private conversations where cooler heads prevail. As you know I have been exorcising some demons as of late and I can feel my mind and body changing in the process, time will tell, but at least there is hope.
I also have very little energy to give, but unlike the nice person you are (that I wish I was), I hate people and really couldn't give a fuck what they think about anything unless they have governmental authority over me or are pointing a weapon at me, or both. The main reason I check my posts here is because I don't want to risk my membership. I delete over half of what I write, you guys never see it. Some of it goes into private conversations where cooler heads prevail. As you know I have been exorcising some demons as of late and I can feel my mind and body changing in the process, time will tell, but at least there is hope.
Enchantre
Oil Painter
Thank you. Hope is such a tiny flicker, but I have it.
I admitted to my hubby that the only reason that I am still alive, quite literally, is because I have an inner voice that keeps asking, "and then what happens?". That is hope for my happy ending. That I will be vindicated, justified, and somehow recompensed for all the damage I've sustained. That it was not because I am defective, but that I was damaged. I can't give up until then, OR THE BITCH WINS.
so, long term I have hope, but minute-to-minute, I'm pretty much a mess.
Fuck the normal. Yes.
I admitted to my hubby that the only reason that I am still alive, quite literally, is because I have an inner voice that keeps asking, "and then what happens?". That is hope for my happy ending. That I will be vindicated, justified, and somehow recompensed for all the damage I've sustained. That it was not because I am defective, but that I was damaged. I can't give up until then, OR THE BITCH WINS.
so, long term I have hope, but minute-to-minute, I'm pretty much a mess.
Fuck the normal. Yes.
Magic9
Plant Enthusiast
I don't post on this thread much (if at all) for my own various reasons (I'm sure ya'll understand), but I do lurk the shit out of it. A great bunch of people have posted many great, warm, funny, and dare I say ballsy bits of themselves and for that I thank you.
Anyone else feel like an asshole for "liking" some of these posts or is it just me? Don't get me wrong, love the posts, just seems a bit off to "like" an obviously anguished post. I've said too much!
Stay strong guys.
Anyone else feel like an asshole for "liking" some of these posts or is it just me? Don't get me wrong, love the posts, just seems a bit off to "like" an obviously anguished post. I've said too much!
Stay strong guys.
VaporsVaporizer
On the Stoop
@Enchantre Just post what you want to post, we all have problems. You don't have to apologize for how you feel, everyones feelings are valid. Not everyone in here is going through life threatening illnesses , but we all have things we are going through. Stay strong
YES i also feel like "liking" some of these posts feels wrong, but it's just a way of saying i heard what you said and i can sympathize with you even if i don't have any advise or something to say. JMHO
Blowing Vapor to the North ..
YES i also feel like "liking" some of these posts feels wrong, but it's just a way of saying i heard what you said and i can sympathize with you even if i don't have any advise or something to say. JMHO
Blowing Vapor to the North ..
I totally get it with the like thing. I look at likes more like an acknowledgement by others who support you.
I have difficulty liking posts about death but some see it easier than having to write. We see how many of us fear ridicule or potentially being banned for showing their emotions or true feelings in their post. I think this is the point when we realize that the online figure we've created also has feelings and fears.
Just because it protects our anonymity it doesn't necessarily protect our hearts.
Oh and by the way good poop day today. I think I lost about 10 pounds today! ,
I have difficulty liking posts about death but some see it easier than having to write. We see how many of us fear ridicule or potentially being banned for showing their emotions or true feelings in their post. I think this is the point when we realize that the online figure we've created also has feelings and fears.
Just because it protects our anonymity it doesn't necessarily protect our hearts.
Oh and by the way good poop day today. I think I lost about 10 pounds today! ,
t-dub
Vapor Sloth
@momofthegoons - I didn't know you were a flight attendant . . . 
"To start the flow of oxygen simply insert $0.75 for the first minute" 
"To start the flow of oxygen simply insert $0.75 for the first minute" 
momofthegoons
vapor accessory addict
Wow..... this thread never ceases to amaze me. So many heart felt emotions and so much support.
I've always felt a little weird liking a post that is full of pain or sadness. But for me, it's an acknowledgment to the person that I've read it... and sometimes there's just nothing more I can say.
This forum has changed so much since I first came here. The medicinal aspect of marijuana has grown and there are more patients here than ever before. How wonderful that there's a place where we can get together, talk, have fun, and give support when needed. And the camaraderie and friendships that evolve from this are a wonderful perk to the whole thing.
I am so glad to have "met" you guys and am looking forward to our next year together. You guys rock.
And in the words of our mighty molorkus.... give praise to the green miracle!!!
I've always felt a little weird liking a post that is full of pain or sadness. But for me, it's an acknowledgment to the person that I've read it... and sometimes there's just nothing more I can say.
This forum has changed so much since I first came here. The medicinal aspect of marijuana has grown and there are more patients here than ever before. How wonderful that there's a place where we can get together, talk, have fun, and give support when needed. And the camaraderie and friendships that evolve from this are a wonderful perk to the whole thing.
I am so glad to have "met" you guys and am looking forward to our next year together. You guys rock.
And in the words of our mighty molorkus.... give praise to the green miracle!!!