Dear Dorkus.......................

[dorkus_molorkus]

Ok then folks by popular demand.



Pls write to Dear Dorkus and tell me whats on your mind. Be it romantic, medical, political or legal advice you need, I’m your man.


Check out my qualifications:
I have repelled more women than a lifelong hobo,
I have extensive medical knowledge acquired from whatdischargeisthat.com,
harassing & heckling local politicians is somewhat of a hobby of mine,
and have watched 3 episodes Law & order, half an episode of CSI & was arrested several times over a 3month period for incidents involving a goat, a gerbil , some olive oil & the tube off the vacuum cleaner. (Im on probation till 2020)

Not to mention the lifelong body odour problem.

So as you can see I more than qualified to help out my fellow man in their times of need.
Don’t waste your time seeing a doctor, lawyer etc. Step on up & tell ol Dorkus all about it.

Stop on by & get a dose of tough love with a guaranteed no pain penicillin shot while you’re here. (disclaimer- penicillin shot may be imaginary)


I am accepting your sad pathetic tales of woe via email, of course preferably post them here, & announcing a new feature. Telepathy, that’s right straight from your noggin to mine.
Just think your questions my way & I empty my telepathic box daily. So you are assured a quick response here in the thread.


Bitch from Cosmo cant do that huh?

We are also equipped to receive your enquiries via stripper gram, but unfortunately
we do not have the facilities to process fattagrams. It just places to much stress on the equipment.


Anyhoo my fellow vapor brothers, I am here for you.
All you have to do is reach out & touch me.



Legal disclaimer-

**** I have no qualifications at all in anything. If you feel the need to publish any real problems you might have and ask my advice, I would suggest you get some friends. Because anything I say will just be silly, nonsensical drivel at your expense.****





Cash only, no Paypal

 

[Vicki]

 

[Stu]

Dear Dorkus,

I keep getting pulled into my boss's office and reprimanded for Sexual Harrasment charges against me.

How can I make the bitches keep quiet?

Thanks in advance!

-Stu

 

[Vicki]

I'm here to get my medication refills.

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

Dear Dorkus,

I keep getting pulled into my boss's office and reprimanded for Sexual Harrasment charges against me.

How can I make the bitches keep quiet?

Thanks in advance!

-Stu

Stu,

Great question, this affects many people worldwide. Might I suggest you only grope your sub-ordinates, those who are in fear of losing their jobs are less likely to make a ruckus.

Try not to set your sights too high when harrassing the opposite sex at work. Harrassing the office hottie, your boss or even worse your bosses boss is just asking for trouble.

But the non greencard holding cleaning lady for example might be a bit more accomodating to your advances, as might be the shy overweight girl in the copy room.

Also have you explored the delights of frottage?? Fantastic for afterwork drinks & the crowded lift. very easy to explain as an accident in a crowd situation.

Dont ever miss out on the fantastic opportunities that extracurricular work fucntions provide. Cosying up to your workmates spouses at the work christmas party can be challenging, but very rewarding if you persevere.

Again the spouses of your subordinates are a goldmine for the serial harrasser, no wife is going to tell her husband that his boss copped a feel. Especially if its around bonus time.

Of course, you could do what everyone else does and sexually harrass others in the appropriate forum like a niteclub or the intenet.

People like you fuck it up for the rest of us. for the love of jeebus Stu lift your game.

 

[Stu]

Thanks for the advice, Dorkus. I'm going to google "frottage" now.

 

[Vicki]

::stands up:: Hey! I've been waiting here patiently..:: Points at Stu::....before that guy ever got here! When am I going to get my refills! Geez, do I have to talk to the doctor every time I come here?

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

Sorry Vicki, my bad. I couldnt find my imaginary penicillan hypodermic.
But I did find my penicillan suppositories and Im good mates with the Flash.

That small ache you can feel isnt your roids playing up, the Flash just made his delivery.

Your welcome.

Now listen, im an agony aunt now. Next time you need some meds at least bring me some personal trauma that we can have a good laugh about at your expense.

Again your welcome

cash only no paypal



NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Vicki]

:: pays the receptionist mumbling something about that not being the medications she wanted to refill::

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

Vicki, I cant really prescribe meds exactly. They said i couldnt have a prescription pad till i told them my real name.
Fuck that, them and their fucking rules.

I do however suscribe to several leeches a day to keep the mortician away theory. Just pop a couple of leeches under the tongue before bed & you will wake up as right as reign before you know it or you will wake up dead. cant quite remember which, but good luck.

if that doesnt work perhaps a course of bleeding might be good. Just open both wrists with a razor while sitting in a warm bath, within 15-20mins your cares and ills will just fade away.

Or you could just try cannabis.............. seems to work for all sorts of shit.
i use it to keep the voices quiet, and to help me with my creative writing.

This the only place on the internet that I am still welcome. The swathes of irate nigerian princes & presidents have seen fit to run me out of dodge, all upset at how stupid I made them look while amusing countless others.

Luckily this is the place where I can do the most good & help my fellow man.

If you still need your meds, I can put you in touch with the Nigerians. They offered me a truckload of viagra for only $3US dollars, but I beat them down to only half of my mouldy sandwich.

Bazinga! I still got it.

cash only no paypal.



NEXT!!!!!!

 

[placetime]

 

[Vicki]

::walks back into the clinic, and up to the receptionist area, signing in.....in the area marked "reason for visit," she writes..."getting prescription for medical cannabis.".....walks over to an empty chair and sits down to wait::

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

I knew I had seen you somewhere! I saw you a few days ago at Starbucks screaming at them
'WHERE IS MY MUTHAFUCKING HAPPY MEAL?? COCKSUCKERS''
Every now & again you would stop smashing your fist on the counter and look over to make sure no-one was making off with your trolly/cart containing several cats, a heap of aluminium cans & what looks like a small pile of barbie dolls missing various limbs and in various states of askew.

Only after the police were called & some threats of'putting you into state care was uttered did you then settle down & move on.
Even then you were muttering about 'wheres my goddamn happymeal fuckers? Do i look happy? not fucken likely just hungry. Shoulda called it the sad fucken meal thats wat.'

So sorry darling, I didnt realise you had a brain injury.

WE HERE, NO SELLEE MEDICINE. WE SELLEE ADVICE ONLY. (lots of hand gestures & speaking very loudly very similar to the efforts of communicating with someone with mild to severe retardation.)

YOUU NEED TO GO TO CORNER AND SEE TYRONE. HE WEARS A BIG PURPLE FELT HAT & A FURCOAT.
YOU TELL HIM YOU NEED GANJA MEDICINE. OK?????

Now be a good girl & stop causing trouble or I'll slip someone $5 to nick off with your trolley/cart.




NEXT!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Vicki]

::looks at the doctor with a blank look on her face.....punches him in the nose.....turns and walks out of the clinic::

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

sigh.......... I do what I can for the less fortuneate. It really pains me when I think of all the people that the mental health system lets down.

No hard feelings, I will still pop my loose change in your cup when i see you staging those little barbie production plays on the footpath. its so cute to see you trying to work out which way is stage left & which way is stage right, God Bless.

Thank god she didnt start throwing cats.


NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

Here is one out the Telepathic inbox from a young lass named Denise.



Dear Dorkus,

I am soon to be married to the man of my dreams, he has promised me a honeymoon to remember in the Maldives.
Every time I mention how wonderful our honeymoon is going to be, he goes all strange & rubs his hands ala Monty burns & exclaims ‘excellent’ while looking shifty.


Is there something about our honeymoon destination that I am missing??



Much thanks
Denise.





Dear Denise

When you said you were going to the Maldives, i pictured you & your Fiancée swim clad on a beautiful beach eating bacon sandwiches & drinking Pina Coladas while doing the Tango.

Alas, I think not!! Upon your requested investigation The Maldives sounds pretty fucking boring!

http://www.news.com.au/travel/ban-on-residents-getting-footloose/story-e6frfq7r-1226473815841

So, its head to toe hijab for you,(does your bomb look big in this?) remember to walk 6ft behind your new husband while you are there too!
Or you will get really, really fucking stoned. *(not in the good way either)

Your Fiancée is nearly hairy enough to pull it off, so remember.
No bathing or deodorant for one week prior.
or you will get really stoned.

no bacon
or you will get really stoned

no alcohol
or you will get really stoned

do not bust a move
or you will get really stoned
you get the picture?


as you are following discreetly behind him, you will probably find yourself reflecting on just how
good you have it as a modern woman in western society.
Which seems to be a bloody good plan by your new husband to start out your married life by laying down some new ground rules and showing those new rules in pratice en masse as you guys tourist about.

Kudos to him!

Mind you tho he might have to speak up a bit as he explains your new role & duties. After all you are 6ft behind him, wrapped in a curtain, looking at your toes. It might be a bit hard to hear under those circumstances.

Also If I were you, I wouldnt even think about getting lippy with him while there & if you see him start o look on the ground for something intently, like a rock for example, you might want to increase that distance by a little more than 6ft.

I wouldnt worry too much if you see him putting rocks in his pocket
for later, it just means you are starting to give him the shits, but not quite enough yet for him to start lobbing them at you.If US television & SBS has taught me anything about devout Muslim countries, it would seem my dear the only thing you are allowed to do on your honeymoon there is get fat & hairy.

Which will co-incide nicely with the no bathing, no deodorant policy I reckon.

I am very confused why you guys are going there to be honest. The best I can come up with is that your Fiancée is a bloody genius or you didnt do enough research.

Lucky i was here to keep you informed.

I reckon its pure genius myself. Think about it, You finally get your claws in him, and he sighs as he
resigns himself for the rest of his life, .....................

THEN KAPOWWW!!!!!........' Now we are married, here are the new rules baby! You like river rocks or
quarry rocks? Look around you wanna live here? Then lift your game or its curtains for you! LITERALLY.'
Now thats how you start a marriage!
OMG, your Fiancée is my new hero.

Its not too late Denise, there can still be bacon & bud lite in your future, flee while you still can.

Or you can just give fat & hairy ago, I manage to pull it off ok. I guess theres no reason why you couldnt as well.


Praise Allah and have a nice time


NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

Here is one via carrier pidgeon. Thankyou Bernard it was delicious.

Dear Dorkus,



I have heard of a secret religious cult that has millions of members and is more powerful than the Vatican & scientologists put together.
Who are they & are we safe from their influence.

Cheers
Bernard.



Dear Bernard,
The group to which your refer is a cult called the merkins.
Now to understand exactly what a merkin is, is to discover who they are.
A merkin is a pubic wig to be placed over the genitalia in the absence of hair.

Turns out there are 300 million merkins worldwide & we are risk of being over run by them. Their goal is world domination via their subversive ways.

The only way to tell a merkin is, upon introduction to a new person in your life. Instantly grab at their crotch firmly and yank backwards or upwards as hard as you can. If you manage to dislodge a handful of pubic hair then you got yourself one of those fucking commie merkin mofo’s.



Check your boss, your mum & your grandma! anyone of them could be one of those merkin fuckers!
Now as a testimonial to their power. George W Bush is their leader & has stated so publicly many times over. Yet no-one even mentions it??

‘ I am a proud Merkin, I am the proud leader of the merkin people’

WTF!!! Wake up people and smell the java people!
300 million fucking merkins!

Check your mum, ya dad and ya granny, make sure that fur aint glued to their fanny.
Here is a nice little film explaining it all.

So a nice smooth muff on your new girlfriend doesnt sound so hot anymore does it?

Dont even get me started on the 'War on Tourism',
the tourists hate us cause we are free, wouldnt that make the tourists love us??
A good cheap holiday would take all the hate outta me. silly tourists.

Cash only no paypal



NEXT!!!!!!!

 

[t-dub]

Dear Dorkus,

I am just about at my wits end with my postal carrier, he is a complete douche bag, and the chicken shit outfit he works for (government) can go suck my hairy nut sack because they can't run anything worth a damn.

First he doesn't ring the bell and I miss my package. Then when I go down to pick it up, they are closed, only open 2 hours on Saturday.

2 hours . . . thats not a job, its a fuckin' vacation

Anyways, I finally get my glass package tomorrow, any bets on if it will be in a bazillion pieces? How can I get even with these assholes for inconveniencing me so much?

Keep the good vibes coming . . .

t-dub

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

Dear Dorkus,

I am just about at my wits end with my postal carrier, he is a complete douche bag, and the chicken shit outfit he works for (government) can go suck my hairy nut sack because they can't run anything worth a damn.

First he doesn't ring the bell and I miss my package. Then when I go down to pick it up, they are closed, only open 2 hours on Saturday.

2 hours . . . thats not a job, its a fuckin' vacation

Anyways, I finally get my glass package tomorrow, any bets on if it will be in a bazillion pieces? How can I get even with these assholes for inconveniencing me so much?

Keep the good vibes coming . . .

t-dub

Now this is some serious shit. These bastards are some serious bastards. I am sorry you are having so much trouble with your Bill Fuckface. All postmen are named Bill Fuckface, Bill cause all they seem to brings is bills, and Fuckface cause all they seem to bring is bills.

Now I dont know how your Bill Fuckface gets about on his route. (here in Oz for example our Bills get about on a little moped 110cc 3speed flaccid type bike.)

But it doesnt matter now here are your choices each more fucked up & extreme than the last.

1) Fashion yourself a punjji stick outta some bamboo or something similar an arrange to spear that fucker in the foot or leg with it. Like a snare sort of dealy. Just google bill fuckface punjji stick for the instructions.

now you need to make sure it cant come back to you, so you might need to stalk the bastard for a bit till you find the best spot to lay your punjji stick trap along his route.

I am sure at this point you are going WTF, is some little bamboo stick gonna do? Well just like them smart arsed little asian buggers in Vietnam, you are gonna smear your with your own shit, yep, thats right you heard.
your own shit,

then when you spear the shithead it will get all infected n yellow stuff will ooze out for weeks. that fucker will limp for the rest of his life, and you can have a private little giggle knwoing you settled his hash real good. Or for some irony use the glass thats coming tomorrow in a bazillion pieces.

2) You ever seen that movie butterfly effect?? fashion yo good self a pipe bomb & work out how to blow that bastards hand clean off! Yep, cant even be bothered to extend a measly digit to ring your god damn doorbell?? Well fuck him then, off it comes. Yep! No hand for you!!

3) Fill many envelopes with the shells of some yummy crabs or other shellfish you have treated your family too after letting them bake in the sun for a day or two. Address them all to various places along Bill fuckfaces route. Now pop those little tidbits in the mail. continue this daily for approx 2 weeks or more. Occasionally you might want to mix it up a bit with some dog shit, or if you really wanna maintain the personal flavour. mailing your own shit is always good for a giggle.

it is however quite diffcult getting your aim right in the envelope, but practise make perfect.

I hope these tips are a little helpful somewhat. i really hate to hear about someones Bill fuckface misbehaving. They are total bastards at the best of times.

in regards to tthe 2hour opening on saturdays. WTF is that shit??

I only have 2 suggestions. Both of them somewhat unpalatable.

A) Its not called going postal for nothing. Fuck man, you are in the USA dude. I hear guns fucken grow wild over there. Im sure you own six at least, if not you then your gran does. Just hope she dont shoot your ass when you ask her for it so you can go smoke the postman.

B) get a job with the USPS. cant beat em, join em sort of dealy. that way you can always go postal at a later date. Prolly would make it more legit if you were actually an employee went you went beserk anyway.

hope this helps.

dorkus

Cash only no paypal


NEXT!!!!!

 

[momofthegoons]

Dear Dorkus,

I have had the reoccurring problem of my knickers getting twisted. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Tired of the Wedgies

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

OMG!
Mom this is some serious shit too!
The 1st thing we need to acertain is...........
are they self twisting knickers or are they being twisted by another party?

Cause if motherfuckers are coming into your personal space, getting all up in your crotch area & engaging in pantaloon origami, well that is some fucked up shit.
In this instance its vital we establish where the twist-ishy-ness is coming from.

If you are self twisting your knickers, then you be suffering from crotch rot. Its a result of self abuse stemming from random knicker twisting. Kinda like having a stress condition where you rip out large handfuls of your own pubic hair.
(if you are puling out others peoples pubic hair, then you be fucked up!)

Perhaps a pair of these anti self abuse gloves might help?

If others are twisting your knickers? Is it malicious? or all part of some sex game?
You do realise that just because you picked some randoms keys outta a large bowl at a party doesnt mean you have to do all his kinky bidding?
have you considered a safe word?

If its malicious knicker twisting, I suggest a drone strike on a heavily populated area or you could bug all their emails and communications.
Oh wait, hang on, thats already happening. (Hi, funny little Kenyan fella)

As far as kinky sex acts go, knicker twisting is some serious fetish.
what ever happened to just sticking a gerbil up ya bum?

Fucken weirdos.

 

[mvapes]

Dear Dorkus,

One of my best friends is having a certain issue. See, she's quite the chef. We always talk about new recipes and great things to try. My friend has made me aware of so many dishes that I've never imagined what I'm about to tell you could possibly occur.

After exchanging a few south American dishes I like I offered a simple healthy recipe for Fish Tacos. She sounded as if she gagged and immediately hung the phone up on me. I tried to call back but she refused to answer. Recently she texted me saying that she could no longer bring herself to speak to me. My voice makes her think of Fish Tacos and she couldn't control herself from bursting into laughter.

What the FUCK? What did I say, I fucking love fish tacos - why would that upset her? I can't imagine how one could hate a taco with fish in it so much! Maybe she doesn't like crunchy taco's? I hate crunchy tacos - I like mine soft! Then I thought maybe she don't like salsa. Well guess what, no one does - every one I know like their tacos covered in loads of cream sauce. I know she loves fish - that can't be it, I explained if she fucking cleans and cooks it right it'll taste like chicken.

I haven't spoken to her in a while, last text was from her husband calling a me a weirdo. Me? Now I heard she's got a new friend, all I heard is she likes em from down under. That's all I fucking needed, another puzzle....

I'm so confused, I just want to understand why I offended her. I was just gonna send her my sausage burrito recipe, so good with the white melted cheese sauce in the middle. I make that one a little crunchy, makes it easier holding a sausage when it's hard...

Please help me Dork.

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

ahh yes, Ye Olde Fishy Taco Avoidance Syndrome or YOFTAS.

I have encountered this before. Its onset is caused by a drunken friend making rude comments about a meal of fish tacos just as the YOFTAS aflictee sets about to consume them.

Oafish friend will make comments about how he saw an awesome movie called 'Eat my Fish Taco' on a porn site & hopefully this meal will end the same way.

Then there was the self saucing tacos on the fetish site. Only available 5-7 days out of every 28.

Some fucker naming your fish tacos Miley Cyrus and Ellen will instantly make your bum twerk & tongue hang out gratuitously. Eating the other will make you a girly man & very not funny.

any of these things individually will bring on YOFTAS, but a combination of these, or even all 3 will render the sufferer a lifetime aversion to fish tacos.
If the oafish friend is of the prick inclination & does a really good job, then the affliction could be lifelong and extend to all tacos of any variety.

However I am having trouble in working out how you manage to sound like a fish taco over the phone?
Your breaths that fucken bad that peeps can smell it over the phone?
On the other side of the country??
WTF is up with that?
you blowin hobo's for loose change again? Try some mouthwash between ahem* 'clients'?

anyhoo, I digress.

Saucy sausage burrito syndrome is not to be taken lightly my man. Do not fuck with that shit.
You gotta be careful who you go giving your saucy sausage burrito to. If its a stranger, some sort of cling wrap might be in order.

Look out for them german sausage Kransky's too. My last one had veins & made me feel a little uncomfortable. Fucken kinky germans.
I bet they were behind that romantic love story that was '2 girls, one cup' too!

Hopefully this advice will help with your dog shit bad breath,

I dunno how to help with dinner tho?


NEXT!!!
cash only, no paypal.

 

[mvapes]

I could only hope for understanding when speaking of my breath. You must know of my recent debacle with constipation. Surely you understand as that shit (and I mean actual shit)piles up the way it does where would one assume the odor would go.

Upward my friend, it's embarrassing enough dealing with it on a daily basis. In fact, just last week while reading a book to my daughter she looked up at me and said Daddy, would you please fart. I said Lyla, why ever would you want that? She replied "daddy, anything would better than your breath"....

On another note I appreciate your advice on fish tacos. It's always a pleasure knowing that someone understands the everyday problems of an awkward gent like myself.

I will certainly send more folks your way. I find your words relieving, not so much like as far as pain but somewhat closer to an enema. For that my friend, I beg you to never change. It makes me feel good knowing there's still a solid balance between psychotics and what some call the norm on this planet.

I feel totally evacuated! Thanks Dorkus

 

[Enchantre]

OMG! Dorkus, I never knew!

No Penicillin for me, thanks.

This is great. Seriously.