Dear Dorkus.......................

[Snappo]

I could only hope for understanding when speaking of my breath. You must know of my recent debacle with constipation. Surely you understand as that shit (and I mean actual shit)piles up the way it does where would one assume the odor would go.

Upward my friend, it's embarrassing enough dealing with it on a daily basis. In fact, just last week while reading a book to my daughter she looked up at me and said Daddy, would you please fart. I said Lyla, why ever would you want that? She replied "daddy, anything would better than your breath"....

I feel totally evacuated! Thanks Dorkus

Congrats on getting the Dorkus__Molorkus__Ex-Laxus Breath Treatment! It may not leave you feeling minty fresh, but you won't be using Lysol for mouthwash anytime soon!

 

[Snappo]

Fuck! Cialis gives me flu-like symptoms and only gets me half-mast anyway, so fuck that! Fuck it!
Fuck fucking!!! FUCK!

Damn bro, you shoulda popped over to the dear Dorkus thread for some quality advice.

I can sort you bro, no probs.
Here have one on the house.

I can really relate dude. I had an unfortunate incident a few years back where I walked in on my wifes whale of a sister getting changed. Shes is a scary 190lb 4ft nothing she-beast complete with scabs and meth mouth to boot.

Every now & again when I am pleasuring mrs dorkus, this most foul & tainted image may pop into my head rendering my recently mighty member somewhat flaccid. After some gymnastics something akin to playing pool with a piece of rope, my once mighty member required a splint made from some ice cream sticks & some gaffer tape.

Well unbelievably, said procedure added substantialy to the girth & a little length of 'little thor'.
Mrs dorkus is well satisfied once again & now I can pretty well now use my knob to hammer in nails & bludgeon the local youf (aka youth) into submission.

Mind you tho, if you go smacking teenagers in the face with your knob, it just might end with some pointed questions from the constabulary. The odd parent might have issue as well. but if they did their job in the 1st place it wouldnt be necessary for me to knock their kids teeth out & blacken both their eyes with my now near bullet proof cock.

Fuck me, (I mean you) I cant be everywhere sorting out everyones fucking crap.
Take some responsibility for your fucking brats & start smacking them around with your own dick for chrissakes.

Anyhoo, the advice was free. But the invoice for the housecall to another thread runs to 2 grams of shatter.

Pls pay on the way out.

Dear Abbey Dorkus_ I wanna thank you for the therapeutic house call. Magazines, 1-900-phone sex, Urologists, pecker pills, vibrators, baby oil, and toothless Boulevard hookers, have all been tried and failed miserably, where you have succeeded! What really put the big perk back in my lifeless puck was the mind-dripping image of your wife's scary 190lb 4ft nothing she-beast scabby meth-mouthed whale of a sister getting changed. Changed into what doesn't really matter...could've been changed into an unsoiled diaper for all I care. What really matters most to me and my forlorn floppy friend down under is now that I've met your sis-in-law, I'm we're in heat love. And love means everything to Pistol Pete, now un-holstered and ready to shoot, and shoot, and shoot some more until there's no more tomorrows. Now I must know her name so I can shout it out to the world...or at least within the four walls of my all-too-familiar bathroom.

Bless you Dorkus_ You've saved my manhood! I feel like we're family.

Kisses to sis!

Snappo


Cialis has nothing on Dorkus_Molorkus, sex therapist extraordinaire!

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

I did see this in the other thread, but I had a tough day yesterday.
Ol dorkus had his ass handed to him on facebook by some asshats & shit very nearly got very weird.
Im a little beaten & bruised, & came out victorious in the end, but my self esteem has been smashed.



So, lets see what my amazing 2 finger typing can produce today.


OMG! bro did you really?

Well I guess thats a sad indication of what a fucked individual you are.
The she-beast in question only *ahem* 'dates' scumbag losers who reside in trailer parks & public housing complexes. I am sorry I gave you credit for having more teeth than not, I was wrong.

Now that you are part of the family and she-beasts current beloved this month, you so must have a domestic dispute in the front yard or outside of the trailer at least once a week. Feel free to blacken both her eyes whenever the mood strikes you, (or her). Bathing is now optional, all clothing must arrive via goodwill.

Its rather daring of you to go sticking your quill into that particular ink bottle.
I expect your cock to turn black and fall off shortly.

In her defence, she is not racist, ageist or intelligist (its a new word!!).
she dont care what you look like, sound like, smell like or how many teeth you have.
you got a cock? you good for riding then.


A word of caution, when the she-beast is tired of you.
She wont say anything poignant like 'fuck off loser' or anything.

You will come home & find her/it in bed with your brother, son, and/or your dad.
Thats how the bad news comes everytime!


So, welcome to the family. I promise to treat you with the same respect as all the scumbags she has banged over the years. (and there is a lot).

You are not welcome in my house. Do not show up at any family gathering that I attend.
If you do, then leave & take your whore with you.

Never, ever speak to me, make eye contact & even refer to me in the 3rd person.
I dont care for what your name is, nor do I have any interest in scoring any meth.
Do not offer me oxycontin or endone and no I dont wanna hit of your dirty fucking bong.

otherwise I will fold you up like a piece of origami & stuff you into a gym bag bit by bit.

Anyway, im sure you gotta go and collect some unemployment, get to the methadone clinic, rob an old lady or something.

NEXT!!!

cash only no paypal.

 

[Snappo]

I did see this in the other thread, but I had a tough day yesterday.
Ol dorkus had his ass handed to him on facebook by some asshats & shit very nearly got very weird.
Im a little beaten & bruised, & came out victorious in the end, but my self esteem has been smashed.



So, lets see what my amazing 2 finger typing can produce today.


OMG! bro did you really?

Well I guess thats a sad indication of what a fucked individual you are.
The she-beast in question only *ahem* 'dates' scumbag losers who reside in trailer parks & public housing complexes. I am sorry I gave you credit for having more teeth than not, I was wrong.

Now that you are part of the family and she-beasts current beloved this month, you so must have a domestic dispute in the front yard or outside of the trailer at least once a week. Feel free to blacken both her eyes whenever the mood strikes you, (or her). Bathing is now optional, all clothing must arrive via goodwill.

Its rather daring of you to go sticking your quill into that particular ink bottle.
I expect your cock to turn black and fall off shortly.

In her defence, she is not racist, ageist or intelligist (its a new word!!).
she dont care what you look like, sound like, smell like or how many teeth you have.
you got a cock? you good for riding then.


A word of caution, when the she-beast is tired of you.
She wont say anything poignant like 'fuck off loser' or anything.

You will come home & find her/it in bed with your brother, son, and/or your dad.
Thats how the bad news comes everytime!


So, welcome to the family. I promise to treat you with the same respect as all the scumbags she has banged over the years. (and there is a lot).

You are not welcome in my house. Do not show up at any family gathering that I attend.
If you do, then leave & take your whore with you.

Never, ever speak to me, make eye contact & even refer to me in the 3rd person.
I dont care for what your name is, nor do I have any interest in scoring any meth.
Do not offer me oxycontin or endone and no I dont wanna hit of your dirty fucking bong.

otherwise I will fold you up like a piece of origami & stuff you into a gym bag bit by bit.

Anyway, im sure you gotta go and collect some unemployment, get to the methadone clinic, rob an old lady or something.

NEXT!!!

cash only no paypal.

Dear dorkus_
Many thanks for the thoughtful(less) reply...I think. It's not often that I'm tempted (no, 'inspired') to chomp on the same dangling carrot that later gets brutally stuck up my own ass, and then only soon after to ultimately get my tender carrot-stuffed ass handed to me on a gravy-stained platter. I supposed I shall have to learn to appreciate the articulate foul delicacy you so graciously serve both ways. Even though we're not ever to be welcomed in your home, me and your scabby sis-in-law will definitely miss you this holiday season.

All the best,
Your soon-to-be Bro-in-law (once removed)

Snappo

 

[mvapes]

Snappo - I think I may be related to you based on some of your family stories.

So here's one for my dear dorkus. ...


As you know I have PD, recently I was told that my situation had taken a turn and there's apparently more damage to my brain than just Parkinsons.

Turns out that I may have an early onset Alzeihmers disease as well. I've been forgetting a lot of shit and constantly I'm losing myself is conversations.

So, as for my question. How long do I use this information as a tool against my wife?

Tonight I received a package, it was a blazer torch I had bought. Naturally my wife got her knickers twisted but I told her I completely forgot. She hugged me and said "babe, I know how hard this is"...

Hello, is anybody fucking home?

And of course, people with illnesses like myself should live by a code of ethics. Not take advantage of people or make people feel the need to help.


Me? I'm not that guy, fuck it - dork how long can I mooch this before I'm a total wanker?

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

ahh this reminds me of my old neighbour Delores. Her husband Robert had been to the doctors recently.

The Dr's receptionist called while Robert was out & told Delores there were 2 Robert Dickfaces at the surgery & the lab had mixed the results.

Therefore, they couldnt distinguish which Robert Dickface results were whose. One Mr Dickface had syphilis, and the other Dickface had Alzheimers .

Poor old delores comes over all upset and not knowing what to do.

I say to her- 'he is out at the moment?'

delores- 'yes, he is at the shops. what does that matter? what do I do? oh wise and exceptionally handsome stud muffin Dorkus??'

'Simple Delores' I quipp, 'if he makes it home all by himself, dont fuck him! '

Delores was so overcome with gratitude she threw herself face first onto my manhood & orally pleasured me right then & there in my front yard. (well just the tip to be honest. Im huge.)

But I digress.

How long can you mooch it for?

You have hit the jackpot dude! You are sick my good man. Not one illness, but 2!!
Holy fuck Batman, thats like hitting a trifecta!

Anyone who thinks ill of you or your behaviour is a giant prat of the most resolute type.
Being upset with sick people is one of the biggest social faux paux's anyone could make.

Fear not! have at it my good man.
I hear that some peeps regress to their past with Alzheimers. I suggest you occasionally regress to before you were married & get yoself some hookers and shit!

Just think man. you got a free pass not to remember any future birthdays, anniversaries, and special family events.

Jesus bro, you dont even have to go to the bathroom anymore. You can just shit your god damn pants anytime you please!

Not only will fuckers instantly forgive you, they will fucking clean it up as well!!

I cant tell you how lucky you are. I think its a bit selfish actually.

What just having PD wasnt enough for you?

Fuck me, some people.

 

[grokit]

That was beautiful Dorkus.
Ran the gamut
Good job !

 

[SSVUN~YAH]

Dear Dorkus,

I've finally found a site that provides both vapor/smoking and sexual pyrex paraphernalia! http://www.dhgate.com/wholesale/sto...price=0&minprice=&maxprice=&viewtype=1&param= How should I proceed??? TIA

 

[Dreamerr]

Really, a pyrex dildo,
Dear Dorkus,
Can you please show us how to use such equipment? This makes no sense to this very ill person.

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

That my friends is a giant dabber! The paraphernalia laws are so fucked up, these poor fuckers are forced to sell dabbers as giant glass dildos.
The unit comes with no user manual, so the poor consumer is left to work it out for themselves.

I know someone who got really confused, they loaded up about a gram of nice wax and then shoved it up their ass.
very strange indeed.
On the upside his farts smelt like lemon, but he walked like he had something gooey in his shorts. Very similar to having shit yourself.



this is a sherlock.

this is a bong.
DO NOT SHOVE THIS INTO ANY OTHER ORIFICE BUT YOUR GOB

this is what happens when the dabber is used incorrectly.

this is not a cooler for your beverages!

Just vape/ smoke your weed and leave the kinky sex to the professionals people!

If you need some 'equipment' I suggest you support your local green grocer.
All of his 'dildos' are all natural & bio degradeable.

God you people are weirdoes??

 

[grokit]

I'm always on the lookout for new ingestion methods...

Where are these thc suppositories available?

 

[Snappo]

Dear Dorkus_ What say you about hair loss? I've tried pubic hair transplantation, but only ended up with a nasty case of the crabs that worked their way down to my eyebrows and mustache. Please advise. Snappo

 

[momofthegoons]

@Snappo, I moved this post here (where it belongs) out of the Parkinson's thread. For God's sake... we can't expect our dear Mr. Malorkus to run all over the forum looking for his requests for advice!!!
He's a very busy man....

 

[deadheadbill]

Dear Dorkus,
Me and yer Mum were wundering? That time I made ya stick yer finger up her butt while she was slobberin me knob. Would ye like yer ring back?

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

I'm always on the lookout for new ingestion methods...

Where are these thc suppositories available?

I just love it when peeps keep asking me advice on stuff to shove up their ass. I dunno, makes me feel like I matter and Ima helping people.

You need to get back to basics my good man!
None of this suppository shit. You gotta go all organic hippylike dude.

Just get some of the dankest buds you can. Them little nuggety ones are great and just shove them fuckers up in there one by one. use a chopstick if you need to.

You need about half an oz in your rectum for it to work properly.
I dont recommend sativas at all, just a bit too prickly and too much stem I find. Makes it uncomfortable on long trips & totally no good for tri-athlons.

Next time, less medical, more heartbreak & salacious scandal please. I am not an agent for Obummercare, I am an agony aunt, so next time more agony, less bodily secretions.





@Snappo , mom just saved you a interthread housecall fee. In return she needs you to clean out her gutters, retile the roof and if you have time, fix the cracks in the basement.

Dear Dorkus_ What say you about hair loss? I've tried pubic hair transplantation, but only ended up with a nasty case of the crabs that worked their way down to my eyebrows and mustache. Please advise. Snappo

Some people say baldness can be attractive. I say who the fuck wants to lay an egg?

Reminds me of a story @Stu told me once.

A long time ago, Stu had a very, very gay affair with Telly Savalas aka Kojak.
Apparently they were very much in love and when they 1st hooked up stu was very nervous.

Stu dropped his pants and assumed the crash position by bending over and gripping his ankles.
Just as he did so, ol Kojak dropped his famous lollypop and bends over to pick it up.

Stu looks in between his legs and all he sees this dirty great big bald fucking head.

'Jeebus christ man!' Stu exclaims, 'I hope your'e going to lube it 1st?'

Moral of the story is-
If you dont wanna look like a giant dick, get some hair on ya noggin.

Its a pity you just couldnt engage in a bit more personal hygiene and make a success of the pubic transplant.
I guess you take can the boy outta the trailer park,
but you cant take the trailer park outta the boy.
something, something, crystal meth.
Anyhoo, I highly recommend some sort of roadkill. Something in a raccoon motif?

Dinner & headwear all in one.

Dear Dorkus,
Me and yer Mum were wundering? That time I made ya stick yer finger up her butt while she was slobberin me knob. Would ye like yer ring back?

ummmmm, Ima bit weirded out by that. so you keep it.
My mum died in 2008, so its official.
You are a sick muthafucker. Im glad you and mum are happy. Im sure you enjoy the peace & quiet, god knows I have since 2008.

I have been wondering where her ashes were. I wonder no longer. You can keep the ring and you can have my mum with my blessing. Just dont bring her around.

NEXT!

cash only, no paypal.

 

[Vapinghole]

Dear Dorkus,

I am really high right now after vaping weed.

Wait. Am I supposed to ask you a question?

 

[Snappo]

Dear Dorkus_ You mean to tell me that the occasional warm dribble I've been feeling run down my leg all these years have been tears?! I always thought that was just some allergic reaction to carnal pleasures had nights before. Now I'm confused and conflicted. They say there's no joy in tears, but seems they could be wrong. Please advise.

P.S. Please check your Paypal register for my recent deposit.

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

Dear Dorkus,

I am really high right now after vaping weed.

Wait. Am I supposed to ask you a question?

is that the question?

totally not necessary dude.
your stoned semi-coherent mumblings make more of a statement than you could ever know.

Dear Dorkus_ You mean to tell me that the occasional warm dribble I've been feeling run down my leg all these years have been tears?! I always thought that was just some allergic reaction to carnal pleasures had nights before. Now I'm confused and conflicted. They say there's no joy in tears, but seems they could be wrong. Please advise.

P.S. Please check your Paypal register for my recent deposit.

For starters I didnt tell you anything. But if you are going to take lifes advice from a little a plaque on the back of your grandmas dunny door im not so sure I can help.

Did you ever think that sign is there to help make your grandad feel a little better for pissing himself from time to time?

no one fucking told you to make it your lifes motto.

what sort of retard are you? oh hang on, I just read your 2nd question here.

'I always thought that was just some allergic reaction to carnal pleasures had nights before'


Yes as much as I would like this to be true. I am no doctor, but the agony aunt gig is a little slow so lets give it a bash.

Now im pretty these carnal pleasures to which you refer are auto digitally applied. Thus I would deduce these liquids exiting down your inner thigh & into your sock are your brains.
Im shocked you cant even manage to wipe the end of your knob after jacking off with any success?
Maybe obummercare will spring for a helper monkey?

But then again you are seeking guidance & enlightenment from a toilet plaque made by a little Taiwanese bloke named 'Ping'. (you may have heard of him? some hospitals have a machine named after him.)

*sigh* this is what I am reduced to, explaining lifes hidden meanings as contained in toilet knick-knacks.


fuck me,a sad state of affairs indeed.

 

[momofthegoons]

Dear Dorkus,

This year, we sort of fucked up and had to quick thaw our turkey instead of putting it in the fridge to defrost. We've had this bugger in the bath tub defrosting now for a night. The problem is that our dog has somewhat fallen in love with this bird. Every time I've gotten near it today, my dog goes apeshit and i have to back away. Wtf?

Now, I know the first thing you are going to ask is if the dog is neutered. Yes. We are responsible pet owners and have made sure that this was a priority. But little Gizmo is going berserk over this bird!

Dorkus, what are we to do? I have a large family with a penchant for eating a lot of turkey on Thanksgiving..... this just wont do!

I'm half tempted to say fuck the bird and serve the damn dog for dinner......

 

[Dreamerr]

Dear Dorkus,
WTF is it with people putting up vids when they know some of us with kids will get killed if we try to pull some of the bandwidth to watch it? How does one know what is going on in life when you have kids? Are we suppose to just stay in our crates?

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

neutered my ass. Just drown the yappy little fucker.

Poor puppy dont know whether to eat it or fuck it.

imagine you stick a 18ft high donut in front of me,
ima gonna get a little possessive and I prolly would be sticking my cock in it somewhere sooner or later.
I mean im only human right?

(so be aware if I start handing out donuts. The donut itself will be ok, but I would pay particular attention to the glaze.)


goddamn, you send your dinner to the freaking spa before you cook it?
Next you will be telling me you have plans to stick freaky shit up its ass & then massage it in butter or something?

Dog looks small enough. have you ever considered a turdoggen?
Its a turkey, (hey which you have!)
and its been stuffed with a dog. (wow you have one of those as well)
yummy!
They taste better if the dog is one of those yap-yap little fuckers too. (fuck me another co-incidence)

last but not least,

I would just let the dog have at it.

Either he will dry hump it till he's sleepy

or
eating turkey makes you sleepy right?
how much can the little shit actually eat?

so, wait til he is full &/or all outta blanks, then go rescue the turkey.

You nthn mexicans sure are a strange lot.

my work here is done.

Dear Dorkus,
WTF is it with people putting up vids when they know some of us with kids will get killed if we try to pull some of the bandwidth to watch it? How does one know what is going on in life when you have kids? Are we suppose to just stay in our crates?

I am not sure what 3rd world hell hole you are calling from, but everyone has enough bandwidth. Unless you one of thems taliban allens snackbar mofo's? If thats the case I have no idea when your cave is scheduled for fibre optic to be installed.

First, I am a little confused. Why is your computer in the cupboard?
or why are you letting your kids out of the cupboard to use the computer?

My kids worked as oxen tilling fields until they were 18. Then strangely they ran away.


happiest day of my life.

So, it just goes to show how backwards it is in Afghanistan. Parents in crates and kids not in cupboards.
fuck me, what is the world coming too.

He might fit in a turkey?

yummy?

 

[grokit]

Dear dorkus,

I love this forum but I need to stay away from the new vaporizer threads.

They make me insane with anticipation, and are driving me to the poor house!

But I love new shiny toys, what to do?

Merry xmas from grokit

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

Dear dorkus,

I love this forum but I need to stay away from the new vaporizer threads.

They make me insane with anticipation, and are driving me to the poor house!

But I love new shiny toys, what to do?

Merry xmas from grokit

A VERY MERRY HEY ZEUS TO YOU.

what a timely question given the season.

thats right Wabbit season, but I digress.

Ah yes, the poor house. I remember it well.
When we lived in the gutter, I used to aspire to make it to the poorhouse.

As my Mum used to say,
'Dorky, ya little bastard............'
(thats all she ever said, so I dont know what comes next)


Sitting on welfare drawing from the public purse is one thing, but if you are going to get to the poorhouse, then do it right.

You gotta have at least 6 kids to 7 different parents, substance abuse issues, you are out on bail but still have a meth lab going in the back of an old pontiac.

Thats how you get to the poorhouse!

Not some namby, pamby sob story about 'I have too much money & have to buy shiny new gadgets that essentially either blow or suck hot air over weed.'

All made by some poor little fucker in China named 'Ping' so he can earn his daily $2 of your nthn mexican pesos all to feed himself, his wife, their 8 kids, his Mum, her dad, 3 goats, six chooks & a dachshund named 'gerald'

First world fucking problems man!

But seeing how its the giving season.

Hows about I start by giving a fuck about what seems to be important to you?

Too many god damn vaporizers.

Ok, In the spirit of giving.
Go buy an EVO, a sublimator Enail, a herbalizer, a herborizer and any other new vaporizer that grabs your attention.

Instead of shipping them to your address.
ship them here.

Dorkus_molorkus
Vapor legend
123 Fake st
Straya 666

Thats it, problem solved.
Fuck, I wont even say thanks.
Yup, you just buy em, and boom they gone.
Never to be heard from again, ever.

I also suggest you give away all your possessions. Preferably to one of the more poorer institutions like JP Morgan or goldman sachs. They have had such a hard time lately and they really, really need it.

Head on down to one of the more southern states, like Alabama.
Cover yourself with bacon grease and get a sandwich board that says

'NASCAR SUCKS' or 'HILLARY 2016'

Do these things and you will find salvation will be at hand rather quickly.

I have also purchased a goat in your name for Ping's family. Sure they asked for a shovel to dig a well for fresh drinking water. But what the fuck do these peasants know right?
A fucking goat it is. Dinner and sex all in the one package.
Mrs Ping is super jealous. Damn goat is getting all the glory.

Bloody hell @grokit. Its not enough you condemn Ping to a life of slave labour, but you gotta go and fuck with his marriage too?

Wow, you pull this shit at christmas? Lemme guess you are a recruiter for nike, right?
Break poor ol Pings spirit and then sign his kids up to be making 'air jordans' 16 hrs a day 8 days a week?

I really dont know what to think anymore. All I can say is 'how could you?'
Poor old Ping, you squished him just because you could.

change your username to @stonecold cause you are gangsta bro!

Praise Jeebus, and Happy birthday Hey Zeus.

 

[grokit]

Hey it's the giving season so why not

Meanwhile ms. ping and I are having a grand old time!
That woman can really milk a goat if you know what I mean

All in the spirit of the holy daze

 

[Quetzalcoatl]

dorkus,

I get turned on a lot during the day. Problem is, it only happens when I look in mirrors.

Advice? And don't say stop looking in the mirror, it's hard