The Depressimistic Thread

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

This one goes out to my FC brother @invertedisdead.

So, it doesn't matter what kind of depressed you are. Pissed-off depressed. Hopeless depressed. Weepy depressed. Giggly depressed. All forms of depression are equal here.

It doesn't matter who you are. What kind of problems you have. What your income is. Where you live. What kinds of vaporizer you own. All forms of depression are equal here.

All that matters is the fact, along with the why. Any form of validity is not important. I believe depression comes from the soul, not the environment.

So let's think of this thread as a leveler. If you are somehow depressed with yourself, or your life, or what you've done with it, or what it did with you, or where it's going, or what it represents, or whatever, you belong here.

Or maybe you're like me - some dude who just can't / won't get over his mistakes / failures.

Yeah, I'm a worthless, hopeless, broken, bummed out pile of shit. And there is no way to fix the why. My vapes, my cats, and FC are pretty much all I have left.

As I've become older, I've learned that I constantly need to find new ways to keep myself feeling that way - gotta find new methods to remind myself to feel like shit. These days, about the only thing keeping the uneasy balance is our little herbal friend.

Now feel free to go on about yourself. Let's just get it out and not care who reads it or who likes it or whatever the fuck.

You may not get any answers here, but at least you'll know you're not alone with your sadness.

Here's Jerry doing a pretty good impression of us, and a poor excuse to show a Seinfeld clip:

 

[lwien]

Hmmmm.............depression.

At around 1980, I committed myself to the psych ward at the VA after calling the suicide hotline as I was really close to ending it all. I was diagnosed with sever depression and I stayed in the VA's hospital mental facilities for 3 weeks (seemed like 3 months) before I leveled out.

My next bout of depression that required hospitalization occurred about 10 years ago.

For me, it seems like a cyclical thing, and I can definitely feel it coming on. It's a definite chemical imbalance going on in my head. It's almost like something that I can feel, taste, smell.........it's like a slow moving wave of doom looming on the horizon and slowly coming my way.

For me, the only way that I can keep it at bay is through rigorous cardio exercise. Running has been a lifesaver. When I was in the hospital at the VA, the meds they gave me really zombied me out. Yeah, I wasn't depressed but I was a dead man walking............just numb. So while there, I stopped taking my meds (pretended I took them but didn't), and started running when I was no longer confined to my quarters. Within 10 days of running, my depression lifted, kinda like the sun breaking though the fog.

The second time, that happened 10 years ago, I didn't head the warning signs and it got me. Started doing intense cardio like riding stationary bikes on the ward (didn't take their meds) and again, the depression went away.

It was then that I committed myself to running 4 to 5 days a week. There was a few times when some physical stuff stopped me from running, like a bout of back pain, or Achilles tendonitis where I had to stop for a few weeks and during those lulls in running, I could again, feel that old feeling of depression creeping up on me but as soon as I started running again, it went away..........totally.

While it may be different for others, for me, my cure is running, plain and simple. It works. What scares the hell out of me though is if something physically happens to me where I couldn't do any cardio at all, because I know that monster called depression is just hangin' out waitin' for me to slack off.

There's been a lot of scientific studies that bears all this out, and many of those studies have said that exercise can be just as effective, and sometimes, more effective than any kind of meds one can take.

For those that are in the midst of this mental illness, I know that it seems like all the doors are shut and that there is no way out. I've been there, a few times, and I can tell ya that it's just an illusion and that all you gotta do is find the key. For me, that key is exercise.

 

[invertedisdead]

I'm living the artist life. The most rewarding piece of miserable death a person could ask for. To have such a passion for the unstable is crazy, but we give up everything for a second to feel truly alive. It's scary because success is mysterious in this world it could come tomorrow and never at all, but we hold out as if it will only be "just tomorrow." I've spent the last decade of my life and given up everything to pursue music and it's scary but I don't regret it. The depression comes from all the negatives from these choices. Girls my age don't have any love for a musician who isn't famous. Nobody wants to deal with the stability. I don't blame them but it gets lonely at night. I'm 22. Maybe I should be more optimistic but I try to look at every situation honestly.

I agree running helps, I believe it has something to do with dopamine in your brain, just like why I vape. My problem is I have more motivation to vape then I do to run. If I could get back in the swing of it and stick to it I know that only good can come out if it, it's just pulling yourself out of the quicksand thats the hardest. Nobody complains about dusting their feet off after it.

 

[arf777]

That Seinfeld clip made me even more depressed. Today is in fact my fucking birthday. I'm 45, been in pain for almost 20 years, have had no physical contact with anyone but medical professionals in 13 years - no sex, no hugs, etc. And to top it all off I'm short, bald, bespectacled, homely and tubby. Can't exercise because of spinal and leg nerve damage (constant pain, walk with forearm crutches). Recently lost feeling in half my right foot. Only upsides are I have a decent paying job and I cook like a motherfucker. But I'm burning out on my job (11 years in a DC law firm) and being a good cook keeps me tubby.

When you're depressed, alone, incapable of exercise but can cook 2-3 star food (and tend to cook when depressed) it's hard not to be fat. Which increases back pain and depression.

Really hoping to move away from DC and get back into a professional kitchen soon. If that doesn't happen I think I'll be stuck how I currently am forever.

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

"Happy" Birthday, arf! ...

I've been feeling pretty fat these days as well. I was "skinny guy" my whole life until... I discovered how much I love decent beer. Now I'm skinny guy with a beer gut. I look about 5 months pregnant with a beer baby.

If I ever become social enough to need a catering job done, you'll be my first call. But I'll force you to do vegan-only dishes.

 

[arf777]

I do vegan for my brother sometimes.

I normally don't drink, not cuz I don't like to but cuz I'm from a Russian family of alcoholics. But the good beer has been very tempting again. And recently found a couple of really good chiantis too.

 

[lwien]

What's kinda ironic is I think the OP created this thread to help those who are depressed, but just reading this thread can get one depressed even if their not, eh?

And recently found a couple of really good chiantis too.

....with some liver and fava beans?

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

What's kinda ironic is I think the OP created this thread to help those who are depressed, but just reading this thread can get one depressed even if their not, eh?

Yeah, I seem to have that effect on people...

 

[invertedisdead]

I too have a problem with destroying snacks. The only thing the herb kills me with.

 

[arf777]

What's kinda ironic is I think the OP created this thread to help those who are depressed, but just reading this thread can get one depressed even if their not, eh?



....with some liver and fava beans?

In fact fava beans and some calves liver DO go quite well with a nice chianti. I'm not normally a liver fan, but calves liver with bacon and fava beans in a madeira reduction with a reserve chianti (like a Sqarcialupi Classico Riserva) is something of a Northern Italian classic. That's just about the only way I like eating liver (not counting foie gras, which is tasty as hell but I won't normally eat due to the cruel production methods).

Going to a stellar Italian restaurant tonight, famous both for their squid ink pasta and their calves liver. May need to do the latter now that you've got it in my brain.

EDIT: Didn't get the liver, though my mom did. I had a fontina-stuffed veal chop in demi and marsala.

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

Going to have to see some pics of your plates. Before and during!

About as exotic as I'm getting tonight is finishing off that mystery hotdish I made on Monday. I can't even remember what all I put in it. I think it might have become vegetarian Minnesota Goulash.

I too have a problem with destroying snacks. The only thing the herb kills me with.

My snack weakness, besides beer, are friggin' chips. Sweet potato chips, fried veggie chips, spicy blue corn chips, cheap ass potato chips, doesn't matter. Such a satisfying crunch...

 

[invertedisdead]

Jalapeño chips get me. Big chip fan here.

Pretty good about not doing too much candy but ice cream in its various forms succumbs me. Pizza... chinese food... lol

 

[lwien]

Ice Cream is that name of that little devil that sits on my shoulder and whispers into my ear...."Get some.........get some..........get some NOW !!!! "

 

[RUDE BOY]

I think of myself as more of a 'Depressomystic'.
I've pretty much lost all real hopes and dreams over the last few decades. Stuck in limbo now, living a sorta OK comfortable life by charity of others, but find myself often feeling that i'm stayin' alive just in order to not let 'em down.

right now I do spend most of my awake time watching shit tv and wandering around on line during the day. startin' in the evening I usually sit out in the backyard or on the patio and sit and vape while listening to hours of random tunes shuffling on my i-pod while i vape and smoke to many cigarettes and run through memorys of better days then turn in only to awake to do it all again. Thrills a fucking minute you know ?

Things could change but still i don't actually see a rosy future materializing. But some how there's some humor left in me and still a will to live.

I was always very social you know like I kinda never had to really sleep alone and always had places to be and people to see, also worked 60 hours a week at least to maintain a home and toys, Kept myself well feed and well clothed 'n shod. I got sick and pretty near all that was gone before i actually recovered from my first opportunistic infection, maybe a month. Still managed to start a couple fairly long physical relationships with healthy woman in the first decade of my illness when i was physically at my lowest and still considered Terminally Ill and a social leper.

Now I'm not alone but 54 and living with my 87 year old mom and whoever in the family may need a place to stay at the moment in the house i moved away from at 17 in '77 never ever intending to really ever sleep under it's roof again (no abuse or horrible memories, just small town or no town dumb shit).

I've actually never felt as alone as i do these days, and i guess there's a little optimism left 'caues i sure hope something changes soon. My health is stable i just deal daily with damage done and side affects from meds. I could get out of the house to do a few things if there was fucking anywhere to-go close to where I live other then stripmalls and fastfood places.

Life right now really sucks but still being alive to say "Life Fucking Sucks" is a good fucking thing.

This Depresso-mystic is going to go vape now and listen Lou.

 

[lwien]

Ok, I'm going to bring up the proverbial "elephant in the room" not because I don't think that you guys already know this but for the lurkers that may be reading this.

Vaping/smoking bud "can" cause depression for some and for those who are already depressed, it "can" make it worse.

Quitting cannabis could be the key to opening that door out of the darkness, and while this may not be true for everyone, it may be worth a try.

 

[invertedisdead]

Ok, I'm going to bring up the proverbial "elephant in the room" not because I don't think that you guys already know this but for the lurkers that may be reading this.

Vaping/smoking bud "can" cause depression for some and for those who are already depressed, it "can" make it worse.

Quitting cannabis could be the key to opening that door out of the darkness, and while this may not be true for everyone, it may be worth a try.

Every time I consider this I can't find a better alternative. I use cannabis in place of the synthetic solutions big pharma has offered us as I consider those to be far worse. They say themselves that the drugs can increase depression and risk of suicide.

Herb helps me take my mind off and sink in rather then watching my negative thoughts on replay in the back of my head. It's maybe not ideal but it works. Although it's the laziness it gives me that probably gets me in trouble, but it's like, If I feel depressed I don't want to do anything anyways. I would give up MJ if it took away the depression but I think thats just wishful thinking.

 

[lwien]

I would give up MJ if it took away the depression but I think thats just wishful thinking.

The fact that you just "think" that it's wishful thinking without "knowing" that it's just wishful thinking leaves the door open to the possibility that the very thing that you think is helping you may be, in fact, the very thing that is getting in your way to getting better.

All this, of course, is just conjecture, but as debilitating and life threatening as depression can be, I personally don't think that any stone should be left unturned, eh?

 

[arf777]

personally, I took a two year break from herb in the early 2000s and was more depressed, not less. When i started again was one of the happiest days of the last 20 years. But it is worth taking a break to see if it makes a difference.

I did find getting off all my other meds, and off of tobacco, improved the mood for a while. Then I got all depressed again.

I think the physically ill have a different situation than the chronically depressed though. I mean, for some of us, life kind of objectively sucks - constant pain, lack of sleep, getting a little sicker every week. Like as of a couple of weeks ago, I can't feel half of my right foot.

 

[invertedisdead]

The fact that you just "think" that it's wishful thinking without "knowing" that it's just wishful thinking leaves the door open to the possibility that the very thing that you think is helping you may be, in fact, the very thing that is getting in your way to getting better.

All this, of course, is just conjecture, but as debilitating and life threatening as depression can be, I personally don't think that any stone should be left unturned, eh?

I was depressed for over 15 years before I ever even tried pot, that's the only reason I say so. I did plenty of time without herb. Only been partaking for a few years.

 

[lwien]

personally, I took a two year break from herb in the early 2000s and was more depressed, not less. When i started again was one of the happiest days of the last 20 years. But it is worth taking a break to see if it makes a difference.

Yup. We're all different and what can work for one could have the opposite affect on another. It's just that depression is so fucking awful, that in my opinion, all avenues should be explored.

 

[RUDE BOY]

10 years ago I was on a shoebox full of meds that included among other things anti-depressants, benzos and narcotics along with an medtronic narco pump in my side and I was way to apathetic to be depressed. I was just living to get through that day, tomorrow wasn't given much of a thought.

Now I'm on only 4 oral meds a day that are keepin' me alive, and a PRN inhaler.
But maybe now at times I feel too much? I was ultra numb for a long time.

 

[Radio]

I try to stay seperate from my depression, but it tries to stay very close to me!
I feel as if 'depression' and 'happiness' are two extremes of the scales that are continually tipping in my insignificant little life. I'd love to say that I'm ontop of my ongoing battle with depression after all these years (since the first few suicide attempts in my early teens) but when it comes back; it comes back strong. All I can learn are techniques to cope with it, which works (as does destroying shit every now and then, vaping MJ, having good friends to relate to and laugh with, and good family who understand me and my feelings)

Currently going through a breakup where a child is involved, and managing it very well. Coping with that internal dialogue that just wants to see me suffer.
It's hard though.

 

[arf777]

I try to stay seperate from my depression, but it tries to stay very close to me!
I feel as if 'depression' and 'happiness' are two extremes of the scales that are continually tipping in my insignificant little life. I'd love to say that I'm ontop of my ongoing battle with depression after all these years (since the first few suicide attempts in my early teens) but when it comes back; it comes back strong. All I can learn are techniques to cope with it, which works (as does destroying shit every now and then, vaping MJ, having good friends to relate to and laugh with, and good family who understand me and my feelings)

Currently going through a breakup where a child is involved, and managing it very well. Coping with that internal dialogue that just wants to see me suffer.
It's hard though.

Damn, I feel for you. My divorce was shattering and nasty, and there were no kids involved, just a lot of debt and my dog being held hostage. I cannot even picture what it'd be like with a kid. At least I never have to see or speak to my ex.

But if you can, I strongly advise you to move on to another relationship ASAP. I made the mistake of not even trying for a few years due to bitterness, and by the time I tried again I had lost all of the few social skills I had in that arena. As such I have now not had sex since my divorce 13 years ago and may never touch another human being again. Do not let that happen to you.

 

[invertedisdead]

In the gym this morning. Thanks for the motivation

 

[Radio]

Damn, I feel for you. My divorce was shattering and nasty, and there were no kids involved, just a lot of debt and my dog being held hostage. I cannot even picture what it'd be like with a kid. At least I never have to see or speak to my ex.

But if you can, I strongly advise you to move on to another relationship ASAP. I made the mistake of not even trying for a few years due to bitterness, and by the time I tried again I had lost all of the few social skills I had in that arena. As such I have now not had sex since my divorce 13 years ago and may never touch another human being again. Do not let that happen to you.

We are back at it today, I am trying to communicate with her that I feel a lot of emotional neglect but I turned the mirror on myself last night and realised that I can not blame her. I have a lot of reflection to do before we truly call it quits but it is in a very uncertain, painful and volatile phase. Quite the opposite of the honey-moon stage. Wish me luck, and to you; get out there man. Approach someone and say that they look phenomenal and that you'd like to get to know them. Nothing to lose man. Life always has more.