Question about respect

[Vicki]

We babysit our Down Syndrome nephew. His mother works until 1am most nights. We told her politely that she should wait until the next morning to get him because the whole house is asleep, including her son. When she comes in, our dogs start barking and the whole house wakes up, every single time. Despite the fact that we have talked to her about this, she still wants to do it, and is mad at us if we don't because it is burden on HER to come back the next day.

Who is right here because I'm starting to wonder.....

 

[momofthegoons]

You already know my opinion on this one Vicki. Stop enabling her to not do what she needs to do.

 

[tuk]

I would say you're right Vicki, the difficult part is how to handle it, sounds like the mum is under pressure ...how to firmly but gently draw the line?

e2a: I'l defer to momOTG, sounds like there's more going on there

 

[Radio]

I'd personally start making excuses to not babysit him for vague yet suggestive reasons like 'we haven't been sleeping well lately and our nights are a bit chaotic as it is..'
But that probably isn't the best way to deal with it. Not very direct.. I'd be immensely frustrated at her. I'm interested to see what the best answer is!

 

[Vicki]

I'm just at my wits end with all this. We thought we had this all discussed and agreed upon, and she asks again if she can just come at 1am.

I think I have a problem with being too nice and worrying too much if I will upset other people.

 

[Radio]

People pleasers end up at their wits end because people who take advantage of others thrive upon people like yourself
Maybe this is the catalyst for you to finally stand up for your family and your ow wellbeing and put your foot down! Remember, what is the worst that can possibly happen if your entire household is already being rudely woken up at 1AM every night?
A bit of a disagreement or a fight and then an eventual resolution? Doesn't sound like much compared to what she is already putting you through. Be strong!

 

[lwien]

I'd personally start making excuses to not babysit him for vague yet suggestive reasons like 'we haven't been sleeping well lately and our nights are a bit chaotic as it is..'

A classic example of passive aggression.

You're in the right here Vicki.

 

[HomeFree]

Does she understand that it's disruptful for her child? When my son was young if I would be later than 9:00 pm or so, I would always have my son stay the night at the sitter. I can't imagine it being a good thing for a kid with down syndrome to have his sleep cycle disrupted like that. She probably wants to wake up in the morning with her child, so I can kind of understand, but not really, seems kind of selfish, if not to you, then to the child.

You are in a difficult position.

Good Luck!

 

[Radio]

A classic example of passive aggression.

You're in the right here Vicki.

Exactly! That's the term for it.. I'm working on how to deal with those situations

 

[Vicki]

Does she understand that it's disruptful for her child? When my son was young if I would be later than 9:00 pm or so, I would always have my son stay the night at the sitter. I can't imagine it being a good thing for a kid with down syndrome to have his sleep cycle disrupted like that. She probably wants to wake up in the morning with her child, so I can kind of understand, but not really, seems kind of selfish, if not to you, then to the child.

You are in a difficult position.

Good Luck!

Actually, her son is 30 years old, and all her other children are grown. His age shouldn't matter, though, IMO.

 

[RUDE BOY]

Who is right here because I'm starting to wonder.....

You are !

 

[Radio]

She is clearly breaking your boundaries. What does your gut instinct say? Are you more swaying towards putting it off and finding a way to manage with the way she imposes on your household and disrupts your precious sleep, or are you more inclined to conduct a planned and civilized confrontation where you refuse to compromise on your decision?
I'd give her a call for you, but that would just complicate things

 

[Vicki]

She is clearly breaking your boundaries. What does your gut instinct say? Are you more swaying towards putting it off and finding a way to manage with the way she imposes on your household and disrupts your precious sleep, or are you more inclined to conduct a planned and civilized confrontation where you refuse to compromise on your decision?

If we confront her again, it will probably be the end of our relationship with her.

 

[lwien]

If we confront her again, it will probably be the end of our relationship with her.

Ok, save your relationship. I'll confront her.

 

[momofthegoons]

Lol.... @lwien I beat you to it by pm. I offered to give her some serious knowledge. Hey... wanna tag team?

This mom has not given this 30 year old Down's Syndrome man the tools he needs to be successful in life and is reaping the rewards of her actions. And now, she is trying to push the burden of that guilt on to Vicki as if it's her fault that things are difficult in her life.

And for those of you who may not know... Vicki has just had two surgeries; the last one last Friday. She has been in pain and not doing well. How dare this daughter make herself a martyr during this time!?

Yeah, lwien..... let's ride.....

 

[Vicki]

I have a feeling it will all be coming to a head soon, and I know it won't be a pretty scene.

 

[Radio]

That makes 3. We can do anything to her to get the message across that doesn't include combusting her..
Seriously though, if it's going to be a relationship ender then it just shows how selfish she is. It may not be much of a loss after all unless she tries to separate your family from her son(s)
Me and my partner have has issues with her mother (the dreaded mother-in-law ) and after a life of emotional abuse and disrespect I finally supported my partner in cutting her out of our life, and she (the mother in law) dragged her whole family into it and made life living hell for us, but in the end we had to stand up for our family and do what was right, because you can't get walked all over forever can you? No regrets whatsoever. Do what you have to do & we are always here for support!

 

[Vicki]

but in the end we had to stand up for our family and do what was right, because you can't get walked all over forever can you? No regrets whatsoever. Do what you have to do & we are always here for support!

I know you are absolutely right, everyone. I don't know why, but I still feel badly and I could just kick myself for it. I do this a lot, not just in this situation.

 

[Radio]

I know you are absolutely right, everyone. I don't know why, but I still feel badly and I could just kick myself for it. I do this a lot, not just in this situation.

I was never the type to stand up for myself in situations like that, but then again I was never put into many situations like that. Seeing how my partner was treated by her family members however; It really sparked something inside me to be more aware of how other people so willingly take advantage and always get their own way at the expense of someone else's well-being. And now I know that you just can't compromise when it comes to that stuff. Don't feel bad. If anything, you should be feeling good that you will never let this happen again, and your family will praise youand look up to you for being the role model who will always put best interests first

 

[KidFated.]

Vicki, may the ForCe be with you.

 

[tuk]

If we confront her again, it will probably be the end of our relationship with her.

I have a feeling it will all be coming to a head soon, and I know it won't be a pretty scene.

Maybe write her a letter, means you can take some time over(read repeatedly edit) what you want to say until you have the tone just right....something you can't do in a real(read possibly stressful) conversation.

The other thing about a letter is the other person has to listen without speaking/shouting & has some time to absorb(read calm down & digest) the content before they see you again in person.

 

[stickstones]

I was regularly babysitting my nephew and he wouldn't listen to my correction. I told his parents I was happy to continue babysitting if I could treat him like my own...which meant whoopins. It ended up being the last time I babysat him, which was easier on me. We all made up later...nothing is permanent...and the best part is they started doing a better job of disciplining my nephew. Win-win-win...have the conversation!

 

[Vicki]

I kinda like the letter idea @tuk

We can get everything out on paper, and emotions won't play a part. Right now, my husband is livid, and I know he would not be able to hold his tongue.

Currently, I'm just waiting for the shit to hit the fan....

 

[crawdad]

I think I have a problem with being too nice and worrying too much if I will upset other people.

sounds like the boat i float. its quite sad when family use their familiarity of you against you. letter sounds like a good move to get your point across positively and clearly if you think a face to face will result in explosion but this will require face to face anyhow. its a shame she calls picking up her son a burden.

peace to you and nephew.

 

[FlyingLow]

As difficult as a situation you are in, I feel it does not have to be an either or situation, and resolution can be found without going to extremes.

I find what you are trying to say is not bad nor should cause any strife between you and your daughter. It is going to be bothersome to her, but so long as you keep level headed, express your love for her and her son, and maintain a positive tone/attitude, then there should be some way to find resolution.

At the end of the day, if your daughter is still unwilling to accommodate you at all, I would as politely as possible request she secure another arrangement that was not so disruptive to your home life... and after a pair of surgeries, your top priority should be getting an uninterrupted, good nights rest.