Question about respect

[RUDE BOY]

I was regularly babysitting my nephew and he wouldn't listen to my correction. I told his parents I was happy to continue babysitting if I could treat him like my own...which meant whoopins. It ended up being the last time I babysat him, which was easier on me. We all made up later...nothing is permanent...and the best part is they started doing a better job of disciplining my nephew. Win-win-win...have the conversation!

Funny how that works ! My sister blames me because her grandkid/ward steals my stuff, like it's my fault he goes through drawers and cupboards. Last time she left him here I caught him stealing Knives out of the kitchen along with a pack of bic lighters and when trying to get them back he threatened my 86 year old mom with a knife so I put him onto the floor and called the police.

Well now a days they stick a fucked up diagnoses with 3-4 letters calling it a learning disability which some how prohibits the ability or need to teach the kid right from wrong and I see at least half his problem being he can do whatever he fuckin' wants because he was born fucked up in the head.

He will never stay here again and along with that my sis' may not talk to me but in all reality I no longer care.

 

[Melting Pot]

That's a tough situation to deal with but with out a doubt u are a 100% right .The only hard part is figuring out how to deal with the selfish inconsiderate mother with out affecting what's important. You're family and you're nephew.
I'm with Mom and Iwien on this one I think she just needs a visit and a dose of reality administered with bat and whip she'll come around sooner or later. Lol
I hope this isn't affecting you're recovery

 

[Vicki]

As difficult as a situation you are in, I feel it does not have to be an either or situation, and resolution can be found without going to extremes.

I find what you are trying to say is not bad nor should cause any strife between you and your daughter.

I hope you are right, but I get the feeling that it will not go that way.

She is my sister-in-law, my husband's sister. I am an only child, and I've always liked it that way.

Well now a days they stick a fucked up diagnoses with 3-4 letters calling it a learning disability which some how prohibits the ability or need to teach the kid right from wrong and I see at least half his problem being he can do whatever he fuckin' wants because he was born fucked up in the head.

Exactly!! This is my sister-in law's mentality regarding her son. "He's Down Syndrome so don't expect him to be productive or have any manners." He will actually run into people and yell, "move!" One time I actually yelled back in his face, "no, you back away and wait!! Then you will say excuse me or you will go to bed right now!" I was furious and didn't care at that point.

All he does is sleep 12 hours a day, watch Netflix, and eat all day long. She has really dropped the ball with raising her son.

 

[momofthegoons]

Atta girl Vicki..... now you're starting to sound sensible.

Yes... she dropped the ball badly. But that is not your problem or burden to bear. And she shouldn't put it on you. You've been gracious and giving and she has been selfish and demanding.

The most unfortunate part of this whole thing isn't even the relationship, or lack of, going forward between you and your husband's sister. The real tragedy is that your nephew was never given a chance to feel self worth and a sense of individuality and purpose.

The best thing you can do, imo, is to continue to act supportive, but not as an enabler. Continue to stand your ground with this and put the burden of guilt firmly where it belongs.

 

[KidFated.]

My little brother has autism, and it honestly makes me sick when other parents will use it as an excuse for just shitty parenting. There's an obvious distinction between bad parenting and a legitimate disorder.

Momofthegoons nailed it! No wonder "mom" is in her username..

 

[momofthegoons]

@KidFated. I've worked with children with autism and have a Down's Syndrome cousin. I'm pretty militant when it comes to making sure they have a "life" of their own and are helped to their full potential in life. Obviously there are varying degrees of disability and ability.... but everything possible should be done to enable the success of a child; whether typical or disabled.

This child's mother was not his advocate in life. Such a shame.

 

[Vicki]

My husband said that we are not going to tell her when we correct him anymore, we are just going to do it. We are tired of her getting upset when we tell her.

 

[KidFated.]

I hope it all works out Vicki, for your household and your nephew.

 

[FlyingLow]

I do too!
Sorry you are in such a tight spot...

but knowing this is an in-law does change my perspective greatly. If it were blood, I would have said try to keep it together; but being an in-law I would tell you to hold your ground and make a stand so she does not continue to abuse your kindness [to help out your husband/nephew] and further take advantage of your good nature.

I am curious, how does your husband handle the situation? Being his family, I kinda think he is the one that should resolve this and not put you in a position where you have to fight with his sister.

Is there a father in the picture?

 

[HugieLewis]

@KidFated. I've worked with children with autism and have a Down's Syndrome cousin. I'm pretty militant when it comes to making sure they have a "life" of their own and are helped to their full potential in life. Obviously there are varying degrees of disability and ability.... but everything possible should be done to enable the success of a child; whether typical or disabled.

This child's mother was not his advocate in life. Such a shame.

Applause....applause. ..APPLAUSE!

I work in this field (for a little while longer anyway) and what you said couldn't be more correct. I am actually amazed at how well so many of our clients are able to exist. Much more so than MANY non-disabled people I encounter on a daily basis. We have to deal with parents a lot and its unfortunate that many are only hindering their children. Even if thier actions come from the right place there can be negative consequences.

Point being that even if someone is "disabled" it doesn't mean that they are incapable of learning
..or even living thier own fulfilling lives.

 

[Vicki]

I am curious, how does your husband handle the situation?

He is really, really pissed off about the whole situation, and has already kinda gone off on her already. They didn't speak for a couple days because of it too. He is having a hard time keeping his anger in check regarding this situation, so I have had to be the calm one. I have asked him to back away if he thinks he might start yelling, and he had to back away a lot.

Is there a father in the picture?

She has been divorced from her husband since her children were very young. He has never wanted to be a part of their lives, according to her.

 

[FlyingLow]

sending note via pm.

 

[Vicki]

Wow, she just gave one week notice at her job. Unreal.

"I just think it is for the best, "she texts to me.

My reply, "don't you dare use us an excuse to quit your job because we will make sure everyone knows the truth."

 

[FlyingLow]

I can't imagine how frustrated you must be.

This woman needs an intervention!

 

[lwien]

My little brother has autism, and it honestly makes me sick when other parents will use it as an excuse for just shitty parenting.

Yup. My twin boys were born 3 months premature with both of them having mild cerebral palsy along with IQ's in the low 70's and I NEVER allowed them to use their disability as an excuse for anything and always expected them to be at their best be it in social situations, sports, school, etc etc etc.

Did they fall short sometimes as compared to "normies"? Sure they did, but I made damn sure it was not due to the lack of putting forth their best effort.

Back when they were 10 years old, I took them on a skiing trip to Vail. They never skied before. I put them in a skiing class and informed the instructor of their disabilities but to give it his best shot. After a half a day, the instructor returned them to us and told us that due to their disabilities, skiing was out of the question and that they would never learn. Another instructor overheard this conversation and came over to us afterwards and she asked us if she could have our boys the next day. I told her that while I would like to take her up on her offer, that these lessons were really expensive and I just didn't want to throw bad money after good. She said that this one was on the house and looked forward to the challenge.

The next day, I gave them to her for the day. At the end of the day, she returned with them and told us............done. I asked, "Could they go skiing with us the next day?". Her reply.........."Absolutely".

Woke up the next morning and they were skiing the bowls of Vail with us all day long. To this day, almost 25 years later, they still remember Pam by her name and the awesome gift she gave them.

Parents that use their child's disability as an excuse only teaches that child to do the exact same thing with the result being not ever knowing what their true potential really is.

 

[KidFated.]

Thanks for sharing that story! @lwien

 

[lwien]

Thanks for sharing that story! @lwien

Yeah. I haven't thought about that in ages. Made me tear up a bit when I proof read it.

 

[Vicki]

Yup. My twin boys were born 3 months premature with both of them having mild cerebral palsy along with IQ's in the low 70's and I NEVER allowed them to use their disability as an excuse for anything and always expected them to be at their best be it in social situations, sports, school, etc etc etc.

Did they fall short sometimes as compared to "normies"? Sure they did, but I made damn sure it was not due to the lack of putting forth their best effort.

Back when they were 10 years old, I took them on a skiing trip to Vail. They never skied before. I put them in a skiing class and informed the instructor of their disabilities but to give it his best shot. After a half a day, the instructor returned them to us and told us that due to their disabilities, skiing was out of the question and that they would never learn. Another instructor heard this conversation and came over to us afterwards and she asked us if she could have our boys the next day. I told her that while I would like to take her up on her offer, that these lessons were really expensive and I just didn't want to throw bad money after good. She said that this one was on the house and looked forward to the challenge.

The next day, I gave them to her for the day. At the end of the day, she returned with them and told us............done. I asked, "Could they go skiing with us the next day?". Her reply.........."Absolutely".

Woke up the next morning and they were skiing the bowls of Vail with us all day long. To this day, almost 25 years later, they still remember Pam by her name and the awesome gift she gave them.

Parents that use their child's disability as an excuse only teaches that child to do the exact same thing with the result being not ever knowing what their true potential really is.

You are a great parent @lwien and it is obvious that you only want your boys to do their best, whatever that may be.

 

[HugieLewis]

@lwien thank you. Its parents like you that make my job easier...and make my clients' lives better.

 

[spoutti]

I just wanted to add my 2 cents. 1st, Im all with @FlyingLow. Lots of wisdom there.

I oftently fear confronting others I love. But when its about self respect, I think we can confront our relatives/friends ignoring that fear. It kinda test the love between both parties. If the other party cuts the relation because you express your desire of better being, good for you. He/she isnt worth your time.

And expression in the 1st person. I feel, I would like etc. Not you are this, you make me feel that etc.

Im sending you all the wisdom I can

 

[Radio]

Funny how that works ! My sister blames me because her grandkid/ward steals my stuff, like it's my fault he goes through drawers and cupboards. Last time she left him here I caught him stealing Knives out of the kitchen along with a pack of bic lighters and when trying to get them back he threatened my 86 year old mom with a knife so I put him onto the floor and called the police.

Well now a days they stick a fucked up diagnoses with 3-4 letters calling it a learning disability which some how prohibits the ability or need to teach the kid right from wrong and I see at least half his problem being he can do whatever he fuckin' wants because he was born fucked up in the head.

He will never stay here again and along with that my sis' may not talk to me but in all reality I no longer care.

I don't know why I laughed at that.. I was imagining the situation in my head and it escalated so quickly.. lol.
Handled it well though.

Yup. My twin boys were born 3 months premature with both of them having mild cerebral palsy along with IQ's in the low 70's and I NEVER allowed them to use their disability as an excuse for anything and always expected them to be at their best be it in social situations, sports, school, etc etc etc.

Did they fall short sometimes as compared to "normies"? Sure they did, but I made damn sure it was not due to the lack of putting forth their best effort.

Back when they were 10 years old, I took them on a skiing trip to Vail. They never skied before. I put them in a skiing class and informed the instructor of their disabilities but to give it his best shot. After a half a day, the instructor returned them to us and told us that due to their disabilities, skiing was out of the question and that they would never learn. Another instructor overheard this conversation and came over to us afterwards and she asked us if she could have our boys the next day. I told her that while I would like to take her up on her offer, that these lessons were really expensive and I just didn't want to throw bad money after good. She said that this one was on the house and looked forward to the challenge.

The next day, I gave them to her for the day. At the end of the day, she returned with them and told us............done. I asked, "Could they go skiing with us the next day?". Her reply.........."Absolutely".

Woke up the next morning and they were skiing the bowls of Vail with us all day long. To this day, almost 25 years later, they still remember Pam by her name and the awesome gift she gave them.

Parents that use their child's disability as an excuse only teaches that child to do the exact same thing with the result being not ever knowing what their true potential really is.

That is beautiful. I was prepared for my daughter to have a mental disability for some reason. She is 3 months old now and in normal mental and physical health, but for some reason I was prepared to raise a child with a disability and I knew that I would have that same attitude! It's all about giving them the best experience out of life and giving them the tools and techniques to tackle this world as if it is their own! Kudos for doing that!

 

[Mr. Gweilo 420]

@Iwien

 

[Snappo]

I hope you will accept my in the loving spirit it is intended: redecorate the house - put your house guest bed/couch in the room nearest the front door. It really shouldn't matter much to him or his mother, and it's your house to arrange any way you want. At night before bed, bring the dogs in as far from the front room as possible. Yes, they may bark a bit while mom is picking up baby boy at 1 am, hopefully entering/exiting as quickly & as quietly as possible, and locking the front door quietly as they go. At least disruption, though there may still be some, will be kept to a minimum. This arrangement should get your point across with just a few words of polite instruction on entry and exit procedures. I would expect that after a while she will take her burdens elsewhere, or at least comply in a more conforming way. In all, it will present a strong hint as to how things are and will be IN YOUR HOUSE! Hope all turns out well.

 

[Vicki]

I hope you will accept my in the loving spirit it is intended: redecorate the house - put your house guest bed/couch in the room nearest the front door. It really shouldn't matter much to him or his mother, and it's your house to arrange any way you want. At night before bed, bring the dogs in as far from the front room as possible. Yes, they may bark a bit while mom is picking up baby boy at 1 am, hopefully entering/exiting as quickly & as quietly as possible, and locking the front door quietly as they go. At least disruption, though there may still be some, will be kept to a minimum. This arrangement should get your point across with just a few words of polite instruction on entry and exit procedures. I would expect that after a while she will take her burdens elsewhere, or at least comply in a more conforming way. In all, it will present a strong hint as to how things are and will be IN YOUR HOUSE! Hope all turns out well.

We don't even have to do that anymore. They finally got their own place and moved out. Well, they are still in the process of getting their stuff out, but it's going.

We are still watching our nephew until the end of the week, though. Her last day at her job is Friday.

She was a real bitch on wheels this morning.

 

[ou812?]

If we confront her again, it will probably be the end of our relationship with her.

tuff one, but organize your boundaries, and SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, MEAN WHAT YOU SAY,BUT JUST DONT SAY IT MEAN. If she faults you for your kindness and takes it as weakness,its time to draw a line. Good luck to you,no one likes this kind of situation and its stressful as hell on top of it.