Kind words and I thank you.
@woolspinner Did you ever think a peak or valley was of your choosing? I find it to be an almost imperceptible slide or a rainy day. Not desirable but inevitable. Madness is not a club she chooses but it is like the Sorting Hat at Hogwarts. She has assigned BP like her Grandma and Aunt.
It would be easier I think, (and easier to explain to outsiders) If It was Schizophrenia and her moods had different names and looks but everyone else's problems always look easier to us. Some of her personalities are Martha Stewardish and Scullery Maid & Cook and I take full advantage of those so I am as bad as her I guess. I don't think therapy is in the cards for this old dog. 14 year retired and 4 years a widower so I am playing this hand. If anything I suffer from Joy not Depression. I love life and while there are bumps it is way better than being a rock.
BP is a MF. She is good till she is not.
What i am about to say may offend you, may shock you, may seem like the unsayable, but if no one speaks these things, we give them more weight and power than they should and we continue to live in darkness.
If she depends upon you to rescue her, then when you die she will have nothing and no one. You are 14 years retired, so that means you are probably over the age of 60. Therefore, your death is not as far away as either of you may want to admit. Your (you and she) current approach to her "flare-ups" is not sustainable and, as we have said, not healthy for either of you, let alone your relationship.
I am sure I have felt it was ALL my fault. But assigning blame does not help find the solution with a mental illness "flare-up" it just makes the person, already in pain, feel more shitty than they already do. Hell, she may already have internalized this as her "choice" and something within her control (if i just exhibited more will power, this would never happen, therefore i am a lazy shit-bag because this keeps happening) and it may be unecessary for anyone else to tell me i am a lazy shit-bag who likes causing myself and my loved ones pain. Then, my next thought is, "everyone would be better off without me". If you think that is true, that you would be better off without her, do not a) feel alone, i am sure many people feel that way about their mentally ill relatives, or b) do anything to stimulate that thought process in her unless you want to live with it when she kills herself. That is why i think therapy for our caregivers is beneficial. And you are her caregiver to some extent. In therapy, you CAN SAFELY say the unsayable truths - that if she had never been born, your life WOULD be easier. Better? I don't know. I like to think my dad would say, "no, my life was infinitely better with you in the world and i do not want you gone".
We always want to hide from our dark thoughts, and that simply poisons the well. You have to have some way of bringing that dead, rotting corpse of a thought out of your well, or it will continue to poison you.
The ONLY time you can discuss what SHE does to "help" the downward spiral is when she is stable, medicated, and in therapy. And it is never a good idea, IMHO, for that to come from someone she thinks is biased or about whom she already feels guilty (if she does) in regard to how she "is" when she goes downhill. Better for those to come from an unbiased trusted third party that can help her realize it and find ways to fix it. Accusing her of causing this to herself is neither helpful (not unless you have a concrete, step-by-step solution to offer) or good for your relationship if you actually want to preserve it.
This response is so far off track from the OP and the purpose of this thread that I will not post any more responses, but I URGE you to investigate help groups and programs. Help groups of other caregivers can be beneficial because together, people come up with better solutions than alone. People may have suggestions for what you can say, names of programs into which she might be able to enroll, better coping strategies for when she crashes.
You may think not seeking help is a sign of strength, but you have already shown that you NEED, desperately, help in handling this relationship by writing here and asking these questions. I think it is a tremendous first step and you should feel good and proud of yourself, but this is not a place that can really help you. I unreservedly believe and recommend you find a support group if you will not find a therapist. Is this not what you wanted anyway by posting here? Help from "peers" or people who have experience different from your own. I STRONGLY suggest you follow this first step with a second step to a support group. Your "problem" is not with your daughter, it is a shortage of resources because you are one man. Seek those who have similar situations and be willing to listen to their suggestions and ideas. It could change your life, the life of your suffering daughter, and in the end, you might be able to just be her dad again, instead of her keeper or caregiver.
I wish you nothing but the best of luck. I deeply feel and understand your pain.
