just broke up with someone i still love

[weedemon]

Sorry guys, wanted someplace to vent.

Been together with her for over 3 years. Been on the rocks for the last 4-5 months. and 2 weeks ago we stopped living together to save on rent we moved back in with our parents. (We just finished school but no jobs lined up) 1 week to the day she broke it off (last monday). feels pre meditated imo but she says' it wasn't.

It seems we are unable to resolve conflict or work past them. Too much damage to the relationship has been done and things are soured. We have been trying for the past week to resolve things and after all our talking she still didn't feel any better. I don't know if there is anything that can be done.

What I do know is that this fucking hurts something fierce.

we both love each other, but we cannot be together.

 

[NiceLungs]

I was in a very similar situation some time back. 4 years, same undergrad, both moved back home... distance, I went to graduate school, worked full time and was extremely busy. Girl didn't.

The break up was fairly mutual and came at a terrible time. But is there ever a good time?

We had numerous conflicts in the past that would come up occasionally.

So what to do?

Firstly time heals everything. That heart bumping ache you feel is gonna be most intense due to the very recent occurrence. Second, stop looking at the relationship through those rose tinted glasses man. Shit wasn't working the way it should have, that was reason for the previous conflict(s)

You guys weren't made for each other but due to our human capacity for love and the associated rewiring of our neurochemistry... we learn to overlook each others flaws

Now is the time to develop oneself. Get a new hobby. Exercise. Self motherfuckin' improvement. Consider graduate education. Spend time with friends and make new ones. Start fucking bitches.

I soon realized my ex was easy on the eyes but: Unintelligent, insecure, immature, boring, selfish, annoying... I could go on all day but I realized it wasn't meant to be and there are plenty of fish in the sea who are a lot better fit.

So what did I do? I finished up graduate school. I trained harder in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu at a new school. I had more free time to spend with friends and meet new ones. I got some new hobbies. I got a new nice ass job. I am now physically and mentally stronger than I ever have been.

In the words of a couple of rappers

"Get your game up boy, hustle harder."

"Life get hard, so we get hard."

It will hurt bad. But it will get better. You will be better off with a girl who is a better fit for you in the future. You met this girl years ago when you were younger and different. You are better now, all the more reason to get yourself an upgrade bro.

Keep your head up.

 

[MajorDoobage]

I was in a very similar situation some time back. 4 years, same undergrad, both moved back home... distance, I went to graduate school, worked full time and was extremely busy. Girl didn't.

The break up was fairly mutual and came at a terrible time. But is there ever a good time?

We had numerous conflicts in the past that would come up occasionally.

So what to do?

Firstly time heals everything. That heart bumping ache you feel is gonna be most intense due to the very recent occurrence. Second, stop looking at the relationship through those rose tinted glasses man. Shit wasn't working the way it should have, that was reason for the previous conflict(s)

You guys weren't made for each other but due to our human capacity for love and the associated rewiring of our neurochemistry... we learn to overlook each others flaws

Now is the time to develop oneself. Get a new hobby. Exercise. Self motherfuckin' improvement. Consider graduate education. Spend time with friends and make new ones. Start fucking bitches.

I soon realized my ex was easy on the eyes but: Unintelligent, insecure, immature, boring, selfish, annoying... I could go on all day but I realized it wasn't meant to be and there are plenty of fish in the sea who are a lot better fit.

So what did I do? I finished up graduate school. I trained harder in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu at a new school. I had more free time to spend with friends and meet new ones. I got some new hobbies. I got a new nice ass job. I am now physically and mentally stronger than I ever have been.

In the words of a couple of rappers

"Get your game up boy, hustle harder."

"Life get hard, so we get hard."

It will hurt bad. But it will get better. You will be better off with a girl who is a better fit for you in the future. You met this girl years ago when you were younger and different. You are better now, all the more reason to get yourself an upgrade bro.

Keep your head up.

Damn NiceLungs, spitting some truth! Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[NiceLungs]

Thanks MajorDoob,

I didn't mean for the lengthy text but heartbreak can really suck. It is one of those things I view as essentially a form of addiction. A breakup is like rapid emotional withdrawal and can certainly take a tole on ones psyche. Fortunately as humans we gain resiliency often as a result from difficult life experiences. These are simply bumps in the road of life.

The big three are: Death, divorce, disease. These affect individuals most and it is only natural the death/divorce of a lengthy relationship is gonna hurt.

What matters is that we get where we're goin. This emotionally roller coaster will fade in time as you adjust. We just gotta keep on truckin

 

[weedemon]

some solid advice there. thanks man. your advice sounds similar to what i was up to before i met her. and i agree i should get back to that. in my case that's photography. i lost my passion for it the last little while (being in a broken relationship will do that i guess), but found my work was most effective when i was single so maybe some good stuff to come!

regarding the hurt i am heeling right now, i only wish more time could pass so i can get over her. ill see her again tomorrow morning to exchange some possessions so that's not gonna help. im looking forward to seeing her again one more time... i dunno if ill get any sleep tonight.

thanks again for the advice though man. you are right.

 

[tranceporter]

+1 on the time heals everything man. I'm in your shoes with my gf and we are on a "break" but honestly I feel like this is truly over because the relationship has gotten very sour due to her immaturity and childishness. I put up with it for four years but fuck that, I'm 24 and I should be screwing everything that walks. At first I was scared to leave her because she's like my best friend but life is to short to be unhappy and settle for less.

On to the next one..

 

[Smokey]

YeAh love's shitty sometimes. Few years ago I broke up with my great love, we were together for 8 years, she had so low self esteem and growing up I stayed blind, she went ahead and had a lover for the whole last 9 months...it was my cousin. None of them has told me a word, I asked but I've been lied many times. When I managed t find the truth, I just erased both of them from my life and started again from scratch. Those werehard times in the beginning, but I started getting stronger and better, I fully enjoyed my time and day and came across my actual great true love. i'm living what is meant to be lived. The relationship I had before was a joke, but I was too into it to realize that. When you acquire this senso of things and this vision, everything becomes more clear! You are going to have a great time man, just put on ypur dancing shoes, it's time to rock!

 

[DrMephisto]

There's some great advice here already.
Few years back I went through nearly the same thing, and actually moved 12 hours away for the summer just so I didn't have to see the ex anywhere about town...good and bad thing to do, as it was just running away from the issue - dealing with still loving her, but I also was immersed in new activities...rock climbing, mountain biking, frisbee golfing...things that she never wanted to do (so, as to appease her, I didn't get to do for years).

Not gonna lie, it's going to hurt to see her for a while...especially when you see her with her new beau. But here's the kicker. It's up to you to be happy. It's simply a choice you can make. Do activities that you love...vaping, photography, whatever. Treat yourself. Get some exercise - as NiceLungs said "Self motherfuckin' improvement." - I couldn't agree more. Get some new clothes, update your wardrobe/style, and jump into bed with some beautiful nubile women. Once again, it's up to you to be happy. Honestly, when I was going through my bad breakup, it was one of the worst times in my life. First and only time in my life I could honestly say I was clinically depressed. Then it came to me: When I'm feeling shitty as hell, regardless of where I'm at, just smile a little bit (I know, lame as fuck, but it worked). If you're smiling, it's pretty hard to be depressed. People are generally nicer to you if you don't look like someone shit in your Wheaties, and it can absolutely change your outlook. Doesn't matter if you're still pissed at the world, just smile on the outside.

If you start doing new activities, you'll soon find new friends as well...and having people around that don't have memories of HER attached to them is a good thing. Just don't bore them (and your current friends) by constantly bringing up how shitty the situation is making you feel. New activities, new friends, new outlook, and new you.

Time is really the best medicine. Funny thing for me is that just a few weeks ago, before I moved cross country, my ex started frequenting the bars that I did, trying to run into me. I hadn't seen or talked to her since a few months after the break-up, and I initially still did feel that little heart patter. Then I realized that I was a happier person, had better friends, and matured much more than she had. Why go back to that? Then I got to shoot her several vain attempts at trying to sleep with me down. Glorious victory was mine!

Good luck, weedemon. Some shitty times ahead, but the worst has passed. Fucking smile!

 

[NiceLungs]

Damn guys some really sound advice!

Piff did we date the same girl? lol...

Some helpful hints and stuff that I have realized... Your cock most definitely affects your mind! This means if you are horny your brain is going to remember the sex with your ex. It is almost preprogrammed after being with the girls so long. This will make you emotional. So simply jerk it thinking about another woman you like/know, porn, whatever. This will make you feel instantly better. This is very important!

Secondly throw out all pictures, delete her number, defriend the facebook so you don't have to see her or what she's up to, throw out the shit that reminds you of her.

The repetitive thoughts of other woman and lack of shit reminding you of her will be a catalyst in your recovery. It will be hard at first. It will get better.

Then you'll start fucking other girls. You'll be like yeah im the man, I just forgot I was the man cause I had a hoe all in my brain.

So heal up and get out there and do some work man. You are young and intelligent, go get em.

 

[weedemon]

I wrote a letter to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head and onto some digital paper. I want to send it to her, but I know i shouldn't.

one time she asked me "if i died would you miss me?" she asks me hypothetical q's like this all the time, and they usually get me into trouble. at the time i didn't want to really think about such bullshit. now that she is gone and i have so much shit i still want to say. I feel like she actually has died now and i can't tell her these things.

Getting rid of all these possessions will be hard. the bed i sleep on we bought together, a lot of my clothes she helped pick out. the tv I have was an xmas gift from her. I can't bear to think of deleting all the pictures of her I have. thank god neither of us use facebook much at all. so I will be alright.

I know you guys are giving me good advice here, but right now in the place i'm in it doesn't feel right.

How long did it take you guys to get over your ex? I know it's different for everyone, but a rough idea would be nice. this girl was my first "love" and we were together for so long... she took my v-card even.

let me ask you this, have any of you been friends with an ex after the fact? does that shit work? I would like this to happen if possible she was my lover, my best friend and even more than that my partner. i don't want to lose her out of my life. there is no another person on the planet who knows me better.

 

[Smokey]

Being friends with a person who you loved so much is a mistake imho. I never considered that option, well maybe I thought 'bout that a couple of times, but that's just inapplicable if you really loved her. Females like to see us in pain for them. And as long as we're starting movin on, they come back in our life, to see if we are such into them to give up what we were doing after our story ended. Listen to me, time will heal, for me, it was about a year. Of course you'll think about her and your past, but you should not think bout it with regret. You should start thinking that a stage of your life, simply had to end. Now, the faster you improve in moving on, the better the results will be. Don't focus on your loss too much, it's ok to think and stop for a while. But it's great moving on too! Listen to me, I've been through this and the better thing to do FOR YOURSELF, is shut that door and never let her in again. It didn't work, it won't work. I know that almost everybody gotta try this on their own skin before understanding it fully, just tryin' to save you precious time man

 

[Abysmal Vapor]

I live with my gf for three years.. and we are best friends 20 hours a day together most of the time.. We are training together , vaping together.. , doing acid together.. . There is no problem being a friend to your girl./

 

[nao12000]

I am not sure if its true but they say it takes half the time you were together to get fully away from the other person that you were with. Even if she broke it off wtih you she is still going through the same sense of loss. Good Luck ! I think you have lots of sound advice here!!

 

[NiceLungs]

First love is often the hardest. Your experience is so visceral as you lost your Vcard to girl. We know how it feels to think everything is lost. We have been there. Experience is most intense often the first time we experience something, particularly first love. You will get over this and then future breakups will be easier as you'll have had experience.

Lets see with my first love dating ~2 years it took nearly a year. But that doesn't mean the occasional thought isn't going to pop into your head. It's a period where thoughts of your ex gf will be constant. Then less so, and so forth.

Take this approximation: <2 months out ROUGH, <4 months Tough but not constantly on the mind, <6 months... Getting better. >6 months, starting to feel like oneself again.

This process is highly subjective and also subject to how fast you want to meet new friends, get different hobbies, exercise, self improve, get busy etc. Another important facet is getting yo' willy wet.

You will look back on this in half a year and be like yeah shit was bad, now it's better.

 

[weedemon]

So I feel i was making new ground. i got a part time job, was talking to other girls, and generally really starting to feel a lot better.

I have anxiety issues sometimes, and I had to call her for some help about a week ago. (family was away in another country and not reachable) She was a big help and talked me down.

Then we started txting a little bit more. I have found out she has been visiting a lot of cities and hanging out with "old friends" most of them are just that, but there have been a few meetings that she knows i would not approve of (old bf's, other dudes from back in the day etc...) Now i know it's none of my damn business right?

Last night she told me about meeting up with an "old friend from hs" she even told me the timeline of events of the night too. they went out to this fancy burger and frites place, then to an awesome local ice cream shop. One of her weaknesses is ice cream then a few eps of game of thrones (an hbo show about medieval times) she signed off from her last txt with a very final sounding "Good night *insert my name here)."

I feel she was telling me to stop texting now cause she doesn't want to be disturbed. god i hope i am wrong.

we are broken up and she doesn't belong to me at all. I know this.

but OMFG my heart is hurting so much thinking about this. I feel like im in a state of "about to puke" at all times. I hate this feeling in my gut.

 

[NiceLungs]

That's how it feels the first time you hear about that shit. Some girls go to other guys sooner than others. Often times if they are insecure they will run and try and replace you right away. Try to forget about it. The feeling will get less intense but it never is a good feeling.

GO FUCK SOME BITCHES!

You can get girls hotter, smarter and better than your ex. Don't text or talk to her at all. Go fuck those girls waitin to get slammed bro.

 

[NiceLungs]

Sorry double post.

 

[Sour Deez]

M.O.B.

You will lose a lot of money chasing women, but never a lot of women chasing money

 

[weedemon]

You know what i miss the most? waking up in the morning and she is not there to cuddle with. i'm a sucker for a good cuddle/spooning action. pretty much every morning this happens. and it sucks to start the day off with that reminder. It's been over 3 weeks now. it's not much easier yet though. esp after what happened last night.

I really should try harder to get myself out there. On that note...

I met a nice girl today. A couple of friends invited me to come to their cottage and she had a friend from uni up for a visit.

she was a real cutie and she seemed to be going out of her way to show off her body to me, posturing and adjusting her swim suit... she showed me the top of her bum! haha

I am pretty sure she has a bf though and she was wearing a ring on her right ring finger hand. (maybe not though. my buddy didn't know what the deal was exactly. I added her on Fb so lets see how it goes.

I don't think anything is going to happen, but it was nice talking to her and hanging out.

I appreciate the support and advice guys. thanks

 

[Sour Deez]

Honestly dude when you keep reminiscing on these events or things you use to do your just beating yourself up mentally.

Your at a new point in your life now. Time to move forward. Only thing that will heal this is time.

I was in the same boat as you, but doin better then ever now.

 

[DrMephisto]

Secondly throw out all pictures, delete her number, defriend the facebook so you don't have to see her or what she's up to, throw out the shit that reminds you of her.

This is actually pretty sound advice. While personally I would recommend NOT throwing that stuff away quite yet (especially as you use a lot of it daily), boxing all of the pictures, mementos, letters, and other small reminders and hiding them will be a great help. Unfriending on FB/whatever social sites you have connections with her on is also a good idea, as well as (gasp!) deleting her number from your phone. You probably have her number memorized, but taking the visual reminder of her name/texts from your cell will cause you fewer painful memories. Eventually you'll look back at that box of crap and laugh at how important a part of your life you made her.

It's going to be rough. Stay calm. Freaking out and sending a billion text messages will not get you any points with her (in the idea that you'd eventually want her back), and sends a powerful message - that SHE controlled your emotions, and by extension, the relationship. She'll find a new victim, and you'll find a new (and because of your experience) better lady. It might be hard to accept that - and for a while your broken heart will cause your memories of her to gloss over all the shitty bits (fights, disagreements, restrictions on friends/pastimes, etc) -effectively canonizing her in your mind. Stop that. She wasn't the best, most wonderful, beautiful, glorious being on earth, despite what you may be thinking right now. Obviously you guys weren't the best match, so take the immeasurable knowledge you've gained from this and jump back in the game.

And lastly, think for a minute or two on the concept of love. In the end, it's a chemical reaction in the brain. People fall in love daily...you see that everywhere, and the media LOVES to idealize this. But the flip side of the coin is that people fall out of love. It's nothing personal, it's not a vendetta, it's just chemicals switching on and off in the brain. As a guy, you learned to accept all of her flaws and truly love her FOR her flaws...but chances are she (as with a lot of women) doesn't think that way...your "flaws" in her mind, were problems to be fixed, not endearing fingerprints of a unique person.

The worst thing that could come from this is you shutting down from the world and possibly missing out on THE best relationship of your life (you can meet that one at ANY time), all because you were so enraptured on your ex. She's your ex now. Get yourself looking good, and go meet some new friends.

The possibility of each day is astounding, you'll see.

 

[sunsett70]

Honestly dude when you keep reminiscing on these events or things you use to do your just beating yourself up mentally.

Your at a new point in your life now. Time to move forward. Only thing that will heal this is time.

I was in the same boat as you, but doin better then ever now.

well said, i feel. really no point talking/sms her or what not anymore, unless you really want to convince her to stay one more time, which would lead to another thread. being friends with her at this point is pretty meaningless. the person is not close enough for you to love, just close enough for you to be reminded of the hurt.

Conan the Barbarian said it (i read in the comic) and i honestly believe it to be true - "the only cure for a lost woman is another woman!". but remember to pursue your passions (photography?), make sure you work out (http://briankim.net/blog/2006/08/why-every-man-should-lift-weights/) and walk straight & smile. you have your whole life ahead of you and this relationship & break up has added extra depth to your character (as well as hopefully improving your conflict resolution skills and increasing your experience in dealing with women) thus making you even more multi-dimensional and attractive to the opposite sex (as long as you don't go the self-pity route). good luck, hope you get laid soon!

p/s- "now that she is gone and i have so much shit i still want to say." yeah man, communication is paramount in any relationship. took me awhile to realise that.

 

[biojuggernaut]

always speak my mind around my girlfriends. A solid explanation as to why I am single.

"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

 

[weedemon]

well i have an update. I know you probably won't approve but here goes I wanted to share because you guys have been great.

she called me last night and wanted to get together for a chat. it turns out she didn't want to talk about anything in general just hang out and be friends.

We went to the place where we had our first date. she had gotten dressed up and was looking damn good. I asked her for a hug about an hour into hanging out. she obliged, but started to tear up.

we then went out for coffee and then parked at the peer to talk more. then we went back to her place.

there was a moment where she was clearly thinking, so i asked her what, and she said how nice it would be to hold me right now. I told her I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING! she didn't want to because it would hurt, but in the end she gave in and we held each other. it was so nice... thinking about it makes me feel happy and somewhat satisfied.

IT IS FUCKING HARD! there were all kinds of awkward moments where i knew i should not say what im thinking. (how I want to hold her and touch her) I stayed till 1:30 in the morning and she even offered to let me stay over in the spare bed. but I knew it would be way to hard not to crawl into bed with her to cuddle so i went home.

she sent me a txt thanking me for a nice time while i was driving home.

 

[SSS]

when you've got kids, a job and a mortgage on the line you're going to think about these times and laugh about how easy they were. those are the things that truly test a relationship. if i could go back in time i would take all my prior relationships with a grain of salt and enjoy them for what they were-a good time with nothing at stake.