Poostuff
Please delete
This is a joke!
I almost lost it trying to envision this Thing vs. The guy in the Flying Guillotine! What a show that would have made!
Joke thread
- Thread starter Purple-Days
- Start date
Reflections
Well-Known Member
A father put his five-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and
listened to her prayers, which
ended with her saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma,
and goodbye
Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do."
The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap," thought the father, "This kid is in contact with the other
side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go
to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured
if he could get by
until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of
going home at the end
of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and
jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's
the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my
life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened
to me. This
morning my tennis pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
listened to her prayers, which
ended with her saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma,
and goodbye
Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do."
The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap," thought the father, "This kid is in contact with the other
side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go
to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured
if he could get by
until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of
going home at the end
of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and
jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's
the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my
life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened
to me. This
morning my tennis pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
His_Highness
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
grokit
well-worn member
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’
His_Highness
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
Nooky72
Dog Marley
A Homeland Security Officer stopped at our farm yesterday stating;
"I need to inspect your farm for illegally growing drugs."
I said "Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..",
The Homeland Security Officer verbally exploded saying,
"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. Do you understand me?!!"
I nodded politely, and even apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the Homeland Security Officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I quickly threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs...
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
"I need to inspect your farm for illegally growing drugs."
I said "Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..",
The Homeland Security Officer verbally exploded saying,
"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. Do you understand me?!!"
I nodded politely, and even apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the Homeland Security Officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I quickly threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs...
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
Reflections
Well-Known Member
A retired Truck Driver sits around the house all day so one day his wife
says, "Ralph, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a
week". The guy gives it a moment's thought and says; "Sure why not. Show
me to the vacuum."
Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His
wife says, "I didn't hear the vacuum working, I thought you were using it"?
Exasperated, Ralph answers,"The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We
need to buy a new one". "Really", she says, "show me - it worked fine the
last time".
So he did
says, "Ralph, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a
week". The guy gives it a moment's thought and says; "Sure why not. Show
me to the vacuum."
Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His
wife says, "I didn't hear the vacuum working, I thought you were using it"?
Exasperated, Ralph answers,"The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We
need to buy a new one". "Really", she says, "show me - it worked fine the
last time".
So he did
Last edited:
SSVUN~YAH
You Must Unlearn, What You Have Learned...
grokit
well-worn member
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48sxql/if_hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_are_in_a_boat/
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48sxql/if_hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_are_in_a_boat/
ReggieB
Well-Known Member
Is it society?
hd_rider
Well-Known Member
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.; At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply… 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'!
momofthegoons
vapor accessory addict
His_Highness
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery. She's just in time for dinner and is treated to the best fish and chips ever. After dinner, she goes to the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by Brother Michael and Brother Charles. She thanks them and asks who cooked what.
Says Brother Charles: "I'm the fish friar."
She says to Brother Michael, "Then you must be..."
He replies, "Yes, I'm the chip monk."
She is met by Brother Michael and Brother Charles. She thanks them and asks who cooked what.
Says Brother Charles: "I'm the fish friar."
She says to Brother Michael, "Then you must be..."
He replies, "Yes, I'm the chip monk."
momofthegoons
vapor accessory addict
momofthegoons
vapor accessory addict
ChooChooCharlie
Well-Known Member
