Joke thread

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Purple-Days

Well-Known Member
Share some jokes or amusing stories.

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best Friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

:lol:
 
vaporcloud

vaporcloud

lurking kiwi
nnf_rotfl.gif
 
vaporcloud,
P

Purple-Days

Well-Known Member
A man and woman go to the county fair every year. The airplane ride tempts the man every year,

His wife says,"50 bucks is a lot of money."

This goes on for many years...

He's tempted again and begs, "I may never have the chance again..."

The Pilot has heard this for the last many years. He says, " I'll give you both a ride for free if you promise not to say a word."

They agree, and climb in the back.

The Pilot is sure he will earn his $50. And screams off the runway at full throttle...

Barrel Rolls and Crazy Ivans, nothing . . . Hammer Heads and inverted Loops. . . Nothing. !

He lands and shouts back, " You have been GREAT!!!, I can't believe you didn't say anything!!!"

The man says," I almost did when she fell out , but 50 bucks is a lot of money."

:lol:
 
vtac

vtac

vapor junkie
Staff member
:rofl:

One of the best I've heard recently. :D

Out of curiosity, did you type that up from memory or copy and paste?

I will edit a joke into this in a few.
 
vtac,
max

max

Out to lunch
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus
arrives only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man
as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put
a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy.' The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber
at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
 
Cannabudz

Cannabudz

apprentice shaman
Great joke Max, Fuck dooodz, that(those caps) Vape oil, i'm so doughy, from last night, i had to get the Glasses after rereading this joketo re read over and over (much more than usual hehe) to get one word near the end fucking me up, Vape oil, a Soft sell, with a good :ko: ,man i even was on the Loo this mourning sweating (winter here :lol: ) heaps feeling like i'm gonna spray the Floor with Vomit, & have a Hugie to clean up,(you know "Go with the Flow" ) Still Hanging On the bitch hehehe even right now trying to formulate my thought's & type :lol: .( edit's r so :cool: $ stoneheads :) ) I'l Chat more about it on the Appropriate thread Fucken Sick but :p


:bigleaf: Big tip Recycling Pays :o
 
Cannabudz,
Cannabudz

Cannabudz

apprentice shaman
This deserves it own post "Oh the Irony" the $ sign mistake above :lol: like i said :ko: " i got knocked the FUCK Out"
 
Cannabudz,
P

Purple-Days

Well-Known Member
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 
vaporcloud

vaporcloud

lurking kiwi
This is a long but funny read:

Cybersex
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then
again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My
measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.
I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue
sauce on it from dinner... it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge,
swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft ******s are rising and falling, as I breath harder
and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air
caresses my ******s. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, ******s. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your ******s are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my ******s with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait,
it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my... you know... thing... in your... you know... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my *** back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night
table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans
of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: <logged off>
 
vaporcloud

vaporcloud

lurking kiwi
A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the Dose that I just caught".

"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it".

"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap,

.....and HE'S the bastard who ran over my FROG!"
 
vaporcloud

vaporcloud

lurking kiwi
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seatbelt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seatbelt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" (the killer line is next )

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking
 
vaporcloud

vaporcloud

lurking kiwi
I have plenty more but will stop at this one for the moment

No sex tonight?
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
 
Cannabudz

Cannabudz

apprentice shaman
i love the Frog Joke, :D heard it years ago, thanx V_C

& the cop joke, classic :lmao:
 
Cannabudz,
P

Purple-Days

Well-Known Member
from The Goose.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, Why do they call the airport the terminal?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?:/
 
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