Joke thread

Relaxed

Relaxed

This Space For Rent
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

“May I help you?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.

“No. I must see Valerie,” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row – too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “South Carolina.” “Really” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
 
macbill

macbill

Oh No! Mr macbill!!
Staff member
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His_Highness

His_Highness

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
Relaxed said:
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

“May I help you?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.

“No. I must see Valerie,” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row – too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “South Carolina.” “Really” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
Click to expand...

One More Lawyer Joke:

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
macbill

macbill

Oh No! Mr macbill!!
Staff member
a continuation of FC Thread

A patrolman pulls over a doctor for speeding on the freeway.

Doctor: Please, don’t give me a ticket. I’m late for work at the hospital and my patients need me.
Patrolman: Sorry. But you were speeding. I have to give you a ticket.
Doctor: But I have several emergency patients I need to attend ASAP!
Patrolman: What is it that you do?
Doctor: I’m a rectum stretcher.
Patrolman: A rectum stretcher, what is that?
Doctor: I get my fingers into the patient's rectum, then my fists, and then my arms and stretch rectums up to six feet wide.
Patrolman: What do you do with a rectum stretched six feet wide?
Doctor: Put it on top of an overpass with a RADAR gun.

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Something Light To Cleanse The Palate

Two 90 year-old ladies were sitting on the patio of their rest home.
First lady: Do you still get horny?
Second lady: Oh, I sure do.
First lady: What do you do about it?
Second lady: I suck a Life Saver.
First lady: Who drives you to the beach?
 
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His_Highness

His_Highness

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
 
His_Highness

His_Highness

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another. Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom. “Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked. “It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!” “Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?” “Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!”

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night?” “I was at the library.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, I was at a friend’s house.” “Doing what?” asks the father. “Watching a movie, Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, it was porn!” cries the son. The father yells, “What? When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was!” The robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son!” Then the robot slapped the mother.
 
Relaxed

Relaxed

This Space For Rent
Italian Humor

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucci, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. "You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?


The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye.

My wife is from Sicily.
 
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