Joke thread
- Thread starter Purple-Days
- Start date
Robert-in-YEG
Well-Known Member
A guy and his monkey walk into a bar......
The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.
The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks a couple of pennies as change onto the counter, which the monkey promptly grabs and swallows.
The guy said, "Oh he eats random things all the time".
As if on cue, the monkey jumps onto the pool table and stuffs the cue ball down his throat. Sighing, the man brings out his wallet.
The next week, the man and his monkey go back to the bar. This time, the monkey sees cherries on the counter. He grabs one, rams it up his buttcrack, removes it and eats it.
Disgusted, the bartender asks the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "Yeah, ever since he had to shit out that cue ball he ate last time, he'll be darned if he doesn't measure everything first".
The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.
The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks a couple of pennies as change onto the counter, which the monkey promptly grabs and swallows.
The guy said, "Oh he eats random things all the time".
As if on cue, the monkey jumps onto the pool table and stuffs the cue ball down his throat. Sighing, the man brings out his wallet.
The next week, the man and his monkey go back to the bar. This time, the monkey sees cherries on the counter. He grabs one, rams it up his buttcrack, removes it and eats it.
Disgusted, the bartender asks the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "Yeah, ever since he had to shit out that cue ball he ate last time, he'll be darned if he doesn't measure everything first".
Robert-in-YEG
Well-Known Member
stark1
Lonesome Planet
Does that mean the the dutiful wife (after all the years) couldnt tell the difference between her husband’s smallish stun gun, and the mechanic’s pistol.....
kHappiness is a warm gun?
“She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do, oh yeah
She's well-acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand....”
Didnt mean to thro the joke under the lorry. Its all in the bonnet. Wink. Wink.
Goodbye 2020, 2021. Hello, 2022!
Last edited:
Mr. Me2
Well-Known Member
Just happy to see you @stark1 ! Thanks for the lyrics. And happy new year to you too!Does that mean the the dutiful wife (after all the years) couldnt tell the difference between her husband’s smallish stun gun, and the mechanic’s pistol.....
Happiness is a warm gun?
“She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do, oh yeah
She's well-acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand....”
Didnt mean to thro the joke under the lorry. Its all in the bonnet. Wink. Wink.
Goodbye 2020, 2021. Hello, 2022!
Exsmoker
Plant Manager
A modern day cowboy named Bob has spent many days crossing the South Dakota prairies without water.
His horse had already died of thirst. He’s crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie named Patty. But she is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey outfit. There’s a Calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. ‘Well, cowboy,’ says the genie,’ You know how I work….You have three wishes.
‘I’m not falling for this,’ said the cowboy, ‘I’m not going to trust an IRS genie.’
‘What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.’
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he’s surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
‘OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish?’
‘My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.’
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
‘OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!’
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, ‘I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.’
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the U.S. government offers to help you there’s always going to be a string attached.
His horse had already died of thirst. He’s crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie named Patty. But she is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey outfit. There’s a Calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. ‘Well, cowboy,’ says the genie,’ You know how I work….You have three wishes.
‘I’m not falling for this,’ said the cowboy, ‘I’m not going to trust an IRS genie.’
‘What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.’
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he’s surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
‘OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish?’
‘My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.’
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
‘OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!’
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, ‘I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.’
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the U.S. government offers to help you there’s always going to be a string attached.
The Stray Fox
Separated from the group
The Stray Fox
Separated from the group
