Joke thread

His_Highness

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
A guy can't find his pills. Looks all over the house then asks his Ma:
"Ma, you seen my pill bottle? It has the letters 'l s d' on the label."
His mom looks at him wide-eyed and says, "Forget the pills, did you see the dragon that just flew through the dining room?"
Reminds me of a true story....

40 years ago my brother and I attended a family event with our Mom. The event was held at a mansion owned by a cousin who was in the entertainment industry. I can't exactly remember the reason for the party but I think it was a birthday for one of the cousin's son.

A bunch of our family was there along with a few folks from the entertainment industry. My brother, Mom and me were outside on the patio and were seated on a couch facing a coffee table. There was a rock band playing and people coming around with horderves. The coffee table had what looked like something you'd place candy in for guests but instead of candy there were a bunch of joints in it. My Mom was aware my brother and I enjoyed cannabis and mentioned she'd always wondered what it was like so my brother and I suggested this was the perfect time to try it.

My Mom being a smoker had no trouble inhaling and it didn't take much instruction to teach her to hold it in a bit. So there we were....getting high and teaching Mom how to smoke a joint. The force was strong with those joints and my brother and I were getting seriously buzzed while we kept an eye on Mom. My brother and I started giggling when one of us noticed that Mom's eyes were red.

So we asked Mom how she felt and she said....."I don't see what the big deal is all about. I don't feel anything different". Then she said " I'm so hungry! I really need a tray of those shrimp puffs and I never noticed how good this music is"!! She never admitted getting a buzz but it was the one and only time she enjoyed hard rock and she polished off those hordervers like it was her job.
 

Ramahs

Fucking Combustion (mostly) Since February 2017
Reminds me of a true story....

40 years ago my brother and I attended a family event with our Mom. The event was held at a mansion owned by a cousin who was in the entertainment industry. I can't exactly remember the reason for the party but I think it was a birthday for one of the cousin's son.

A bunch of our family was there along with a few folks from the entertainment industry. My brother, Mom and me were outside on the patio and were seated on a couch facing a coffee table. There was a rock band playing and people coming around with horderves. The coffee table had what looked like something you'd place candy in for guests but instead of candy there were a bunch of joints in it. My Mom was aware my brother and I enjoyed cannabis and mentioned she'd always wondered what it was like so my brother and I suggested this was the perfect time to try it.

My Mom being a smoker had no trouble inhaling and it didn't take much instruction to teach her to hold it in a bit. So there we were....getting high and teaching Mom how to smoke a joint. The force was strong with those joints and my brother and I were getting seriously buzzed while we kept an eye on Mom. My brother and I started giggling when one of us noticed that Mom's eyes were red.

So we asked Mom how she felt and she said....."I don't see what the big deal is all about. I don't feel anything different". Then she said " I'm so hungry! I really need a tray of those shrimp puffs and I never noticed how good this music is"!! She never admitted getting a buzz but it was the one and only time she enjoyed hard rock and she polished off those hordervers like it was her job.
Lol. Reminds me of how I accidentally destroyed my mother on Cannabis many years ago.

Her first experience was one night when I was living at her place a couple decades ago when I decided to go to school, so I moved back in with my Mother to save some money as I got started in a local college. Anyway, she has had back problems since I was a kid. I happened to walk past her door a couple times and heard her in bed, groaning from back pain. I went in and suggested that she try some cannabis because it may help with her pain and at least help her sleep at minimum.

Well, I had this homemade bong/bubbler made out of a pint-size glass jar that I would fill with ice and water, a couple holes were in the metal lid, one for a glass bowl w/dropdown, and another for a tube to hit it from that were glued into place, and a hole to function as a carb. Ya know, old-school McGuyver bong!.

Well, I first took a hit to show her how to use it. Then I let her hold it, and I worked the lighter and the carb, telling her when to inhale and when to stop, to carefully give her a small hit. She had a small cough, and said she wasn't a fan of the taste, but it was ok. Then, for the next hit I explained to her again how the bong works, the carb and all, and said I'll hold the lighter and she can work the carb herself with the next hit. I lit it as she inhaled, and after a few seconds told her to take her finger off the carb hole...then a couple seconds later I re-stated that she should take her finger off....then after a few more seconds I raised my voice again and said take your finger off!!!...then, she took her finger off.

What followed was a particularly long session of coughing and her saying in-between, as well as in the middle of couphs, "IT BURNS, IT BURNS!!!!! Anyway, the coughing lasted a LONG time, and she said that she never wanted to try smoking cannabis again.

She told me later that it felt like her lungs were on fire, and she would never do something like that again. I explained to her that she just took too big of a hit because she didn't open the carb till LONG after I told her to (I think I'd said "take your finger off" at least 4 or 5 times before she did), but she said that she NEVER wanted to try smoking weed again after that experience.

I should add that my mother has never been a drinker (a glass or two of wine after a meal will put her to sleep), nor a user of drugs. So, she's a true lightweight.

Anyway, the second time she tried cannabis, I was at her house with a handful of my friends, because she was letting us use her back yard for a barbecue. Well, I'd made a couple pans of magic brownies with an oz of cannabis that afternoon for the barbecue.

Well, I had eaten like 9 of the brownies, and was feeling very good. I was going to the bathroom, and walked past her bedroom door and once again heard her in bed, groaning from back-pain. I then told her that I know she had a bad experience before with cannabis with that harsh bong...however, I had these brownies, and that might be a good idea to try in order to help with sleep and her back pain.

At this point I gave her one brownie that was about 1.5 inch wide. I'd eaten nine of these over the last several hours, so that may have clouded my judgement. I should have given her only a bite that was maybe half or less of one...anyway, a couple hours later I was walking past her bedroom, on my way to the bathroom to deposit some of the beer I'd been drinking, and I heard her very quietly call my name. I went in and she was covered in blankets and looked me in the eye with a TERRIFIED look on her face, and whispered to me very quietly "when I close my eyes, I see terrible things!". She literally looked terrified.

The next day she told me that every time she closed her eyes she saw terrible horror-style nightmarish things that wouldn't stop for at least several hours.

Anyway...that's the story. My mother utterly refuses to ever try cannabis again for the rest of her life, and it's my fault :(
 

Relaxed

This Space For Rent
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup!"

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
 
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