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Putin is a War Criminal
If Illinois legalizes marijuana, we might have a shortage. Here's a solution: Dank News.
The Chicago Tribune could provide a special incentive to subscribers: cannabis-infused newspapers. (Stacey Wescott/Chicago Tribune)
Rex HuppkeContact ReporterChicago Tribune
Like most sensible Illinoisans, I was troubled when I read this headline: “Demand for legal marijuana in Illinois would far exceed licensed growers’ ability to supply it, study shows.”
We haven’t even legalized marijuana yet and we’re already facing a shortage.
Now understand, this potential shortage won’t impact me. I don’t “do the weed,” as the kids say, and there is certainly no reason to think I’m looking forward to having legal access to pot so I can smoke it and spend hours laughing each time my Roomba bumps into a wall or a piece of furniture.
That would be ridiculous. As would any suspicion that I’m eager to get marijuana-infused foods to snack on while riding my Roomba and watching reruns of “The Simpsons.”
No, my concern is strictly for fellow citizens who might find marijuana legalized but in short supply.
According to a study by Freedman & Koski, a Colorado-based consulting firm that helps state and local governments with marijuana legalization, the demand for pot in Illinois could be as high (hah!) as 550,000 pounds a year.
Per the study: “Illinois can expect the existing medical cannabis market to have the capacity to supply between 35 percent and 54 percent of the mature, adult-use market.”
Nobody likes an undersupplied mature, adult-use market.
Not everybody here agrees with the study’s findings, but when it comes to making sure people have access to marijuana strains like “Laughing Buddha” and “Island Sweet Skunk,” isn’t it best to err on the side of caution? (Again, I personally have no interest in obtaining legal bags of “Acapulco Gold” or “Mango Kush” so I can escape the drudgery of daily life and finally notice that my fingers look really weird and rubbery when I start moving them all at the same time. It’s just that I’m thoughtful and don’t want friends and neighbors to be deprived.)
So I have a solution that might better prepare the state for the possible legalization of marijuana while also bolstering an Illinois institution in which I am deeply invested: The Chicago Tribune needs to get into the pot-growing business.
I haven’t briefed my editors on this innovative new revenue stream, but I’m confident it will spark their interest.
As many of you know, we recently relocated from Tribune Tower to One Prudential Plaza. Our new confines might lack in historic value, but we have an abundance of open space and natural light.
By simply moving a few desks around and possibly eliminating a conference room or four, we would have ample “grow space” for indoor cannabis fields.
I took the liberty of researching the art of weed farming and found some excellent tips on the website of Royal Queen Seeds, a European cannabis breeder.
For starters, we need light. Between the windows, the overhead fluorescent lights and all the desk lamps we have in the newsroom to help journalists whose eyesight has gone bad from years of staring at a computer screen and weeping, that won’t be a problem.
We also need a “growing medium.” Soil would be too messy for an office environment, but Royal Queen Seeds notes that “soil isn’t the only choice.”
The website explains: “Neutral mediums that are entirely nutrient dependent include coconut coir, perlite, vermiculite or rock wool.”
I don’t know what any of those words mean, but I assume that once you smoke some Island Sweet Skunk it all starts to make sense.
Beyond light and a growing medium, you just need water and fresh, recirculating air. The water’s not a problem, but we might need to work on the air part, since newsroom air is generally stale and smells like fast food and regret.
The specifics can be worked out, but the bottom line is we could save journalism and keep pot-smoking Illinoisans well-stocked by producing our own special strain of newsroom-grown cannabis. We could call it “Dank News, the World’s Kindest Bud from the World’s Greatest Newspaper.”
But hang on, I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet.
While Dank News could be available at all Illinois marijuana dispensaries, the Chicago Tribune could provide a special incentive to subscribers: cannabis-infused newspapers. That’s right, once you’ve finished reading your daily paper, you could eat it and enjoy a relaxing buzz.
Each page of the newspaper could have a small amount of Dank News baked in, a service no other news organization currently provides and one guaranteed to send print subscriptions skyrocketing. (Hum a few bars of that, internet!)
Think how much funnier my column will be if, before reading it, you eat the sports section and let the psychotropic effect of our organically grown news-weed carry you away. I regularly receive emails from readers who say people who like my columns must be high, so it seems like a perfect marriage of journalism and tetrahydrocannabinol!
Assuming Illinois legalizes marijuana in the near future, I believe Dank News could stabilize the pot markets AND make the Chicago Tribune one of the country’s most profitable news/marijuana companies.
There’s simply no way my editors are going to say no to this idea!
EDITOR’S NOTE: No.
The Chicago Tribune could provide a special incentive to subscribers: cannabis-infused newspapers. (Stacey Wescott/Chicago Tribune)
Rex HuppkeContact ReporterChicago Tribune
Like most sensible Illinoisans, I was troubled when I read this headline: “Demand for legal marijuana in Illinois would far exceed licensed growers’ ability to supply it, study shows.”
We haven’t even legalized marijuana yet and we’re already facing a shortage.
Now understand, this potential shortage won’t impact me. I don’t “do the weed,” as the kids say, and there is certainly no reason to think I’m looking forward to having legal access to pot so I can smoke it and spend hours laughing each time my Roomba bumps into a wall or a piece of furniture.
That would be ridiculous. As would any suspicion that I’m eager to get marijuana-infused foods to snack on while riding my Roomba and watching reruns of “The Simpsons.”
No, my concern is strictly for fellow citizens who might find marijuana legalized but in short supply.
According to a study by Freedman & Koski, a Colorado-based consulting firm that helps state and local governments with marijuana legalization, the demand for pot in Illinois could be as high (hah!) as 550,000 pounds a year.
Per the study: “Illinois can expect the existing medical cannabis market to have the capacity to supply between 35 percent and 54 percent of the mature, adult-use market.”
Nobody likes an undersupplied mature, adult-use market.
Not everybody here agrees with the study’s findings, but when it comes to making sure people have access to marijuana strains like “Laughing Buddha” and “Island Sweet Skunk,” isn’t it best to err on the side of caution? (Again, I personally have no interest in obtaining legal bags of “Acapulco Gold” or “Mango Kush” so I can escape the drudgery of daily life and finally notice that my fingers look really weird and rubbery when I start moving them all at the same time. It’s just that I’m thoughtful and don’t want friends and neighbors to be deprived.)
So I have a solution that might better prepare the state for the possible legalization of marijuana while also bolstering an Illinois institution in which I am deeply invested: The Chicago Tribune needs to get into the pot-growing business.
I haven’t briefed my editors on this innovative new revenue stream, but I’m confident it will spark their interest.
As many of you know, we recently relocated from Tribune Tower to One Prudential Plaza. Our new confines might lack in historic value, but we have an abundance of open space and natural light.
By simply moving a few desks around and possibly eliminating a conference room or four, we would have ample “grow space” for indoor cannabis fields.
I took the liberty of researching the art of weed farming and found some excellent tips on the website of Royal Queen Seeds, a European cannabis breeder.
For starters, we need light. Between the windows, the overhead fluorescent lights and all the desk lamps we have in the newsroom to help journalists whose eyesight has gone bad from years of staring at a computer screen and weeping, that won’t be a problem.
We also need a “growing medium.” Soil would be too messy for an office environment, but Royal Queen Seeds notes that “soil isn’t the only choice.”
The website explains: “Neutral mediums that are entirely nutrient dependent include coconut coir, perlite, vermiculite or rock wool.”
I don’t know what any of those words mean, but I assume that once you smoke some Island Sweet Skunk it all starts to make sense.
Beyond light and a growing medium, you just need water and fresh, recirculating air. The water’s not a problem, but we might need to work on the air part, since newsroom air is generally stale and smells like fast food and regret.
The specifics can be worked out, but the bottom line is we could save journalism and keep pot-smoking Illinoisans well-stocked by producing our own special strain of newsroom-grown cannabis. We could call it “Dank News, the World’s Kindest Bud from the World’s Greatest Newspaper.”
But hang on, I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet.
While Dank News could be available at all Illinois marijuana dispensaries, the Chicago Tribune could provide a special incentive to subscribers: cannabis-infused newspapers. That’s right, once you’ve finished reading your daily paper, you could eat it and enjoy a relaxing buzz.
Each page of the newspaper could have a small amount of Dank News baked in, a service no other news organization currently provides and one guaranteed to send print subscriptions skyrocketing. (Hum a few bars of that, internet!)
Think how much funnier my column will be if, before reading it, you eat the sports section and let the psychotropic effect of our organically grown news-weed carry you away. I regularly receive emails from readers who say people who like my columns must be high, so it seems like a perfect marriage of journalism and tetrahydrocannabinol!
Assuming Illinois legalizes marijuana in the near future, I believe Dank News could stabilize the pot markets AND make the Chicago Tribune one of the country’s most profitable news/marijuana companies.
There’s simply no way my editors are going to say no to this idea!
EDITOR’S NOTE: No.
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