Wife found out...

[marvel]

I can't be the first. How'd others handle this?

I've always been pro-mj, even years before I touched it myself. Never tried to hide my positive opinions of the plant and negative opinions of those who seek to control it and it's users. Starting using regularly a year ago when the marriage was on the rocks for other reasons I've yet to understand. So, no need to tell someone who was divorcing me at the time. Well she changed her mind about the divorce and we've been OK for the past year, I've still used lightly this whole time, never once lied to her about it or tried to hide it - just failed to mention it.

Anyway, she knows now and is none too pleased. I'm not at all sure how to handle it, but wouldn't be a bit surprised if she starts talking the D word again. Not sure I'd protest much if she does...

*sigh* ... And the great big wheel of life continues to turn.

 

[vaporcloud]

My wife knew when we got together she knew what she was getting into. A surfing, shift working hard core MJ user. She decided it was better to join than beat the Romans and has become herself a daily user (not that she'd admit it).

These days I have eased back on the surfing but now devote around 10 hours a week to teaching guitar and playing live at various cafes and private functions.

Marvel for a marriage to work its gotta be based on honesty and communication ... being upfront is a major part of that. In November it will 18 years of marital bliss for me. Sur we have had our ups and downs ... but definitly more ups than downs. I see no reason why this wont continue.

Marvel, as we say here in NZ 'Kia Kaha' - strength to you brother

 

[max]

Marvel for a marriage to work its gotta be based on honesty and communication

You've got it nailed vc.

never once lied to her about it or tried to hide it - just failed to mention it.

Some would say that's lying by omission, especially if it concerns something the spouse doesn't approve of. It probably makes her wonder what else you're not telling her. It's a long, hard road to re-establishing trust once it's been broken.

wouldn't be a bit surprised if she starts talking the D word again. Not sure I'd protest much if she does...

Only the two of you can decide if the marraige is worth saving. If it doesn't work out I hope both of you learn some truths you can carry forward. Many people don't, and just go on to make the same mistakes again. I married quite a bit later than the average person (only 9 yrs. married), and I think that's saved me from being on the 2nd go round now. I damn sure wasn't ready for it when I was young.

Good luck with a tough situation marvel.

 

[stickstones]

if you don't mind me asking...how old are you guys?

 

[DigitalDavinci]

I feel for you man...that is a tough spot. I've been in past relationship where the girlfriend didn't know about my smoking. After that experiance...I made sure any future woman I dated knew right off the bat. (married 6 years now myself). You have to be honest and communicate. As was said in the previous posts. If she doesn't know, then it will seem like you are keeping things from her. Trust is the only key. As soon as you loose trust, then love begins to retreat in fear.

I don't think anyone will take on the liability of telling you what to do, and you don't need any advise from some random user that isn't married. Your relationship sounds like it is in a tough spot, and it is too important to put in the hands of people that don't understand your dynamic. I've been there many times myself. The main question is...if marijuana is creating such a problem, then what is the REAL problems you aren't fighting about. Pot seems kind of trivial thing to end a marrige on. You have to fight for eachother. Sometime literally. No one ever said love would be easy...because it isn't. It is worth it though to try.

Here is my outloook on ANY type of relationship. REPEAT...MY OUTLOOK!!! Be it personal or business. As the bad begins to outweight the good...step back and take emotions out of the equation. If the bad still out weighs the good, then maybe it is time to figure out how to tip the scales. Walking away isn't always the anwser, nor should it be the first (or second or third) solution. To be honest you read like you've given up already. It has to be hard on you.

That is how I look at trying times in my life. I hope you can work it out. Good luck man

<---- DD is 31. Not that the question was directed towards myself, but though I'd mention it anyways

 

[vaporcloud]

if you don't mind me asking...how old are you guys?

I'm 43

 

[Acolyte of Zinglon]

oh shit am i the youngest one here?! (18)

 

[marvel]

Thanks for the responses, folks.

vaporcloud: I agree, honesty and communication, but the earlier situation made it difficult. We were in the middle of a divorce (unwanted by me, but what choice did I have?) when I started. Months later, she changed her mind. Yeah, I should have told her then - you're taking me back, I'm coming with this now - but I was just happy to have her back and I knew she'd flip so I let it go. In hindsight, maybe not the best idea.

max: I married very early. Been married 11 years now.

stickstones: We're in our thirties.

digitaldavinci: Actually, the pot just set her off. She spent maybe 5 minutes ranting about that, and several hours fighting about... well, I don't know, actually. Everything and nothing at the same time. More of the same from last year. I will say that my wife has emotional problems. Didn't know that when I married her, and/or was too young and dumb to realize it.

Anyway, we'll figure things out or we won't, I suppose. Now she knows about it, she knows I'm not going to stop, though it's been fun trying to explain it all. She buys the whole government propaganda hook, line and sinker... You know, I'm an addict now and will be for the rest of my life, etc. Of course MJ isn't chemically addictive, but never mind the science behind it. Either I'll manage to convert her to at least tolerate it, or I suppose she will follow through on what she started last year. Regardless, I'll be OK.

The funny part? She hung out with the "stoner crowd" in high school, and just after, when I met her. Swears she never touched any substance, though, but literally all of her friends and ex boyfriends were users and she had no problem with it. So it's all very interesting to me. :/

 

[Acolyte of Zinglon]

ah women, irrational creatures, ive been with mine for 2 1/2 years now
she was one of those types that bought the government bullshit, but i wore down on her and presented her with actual facts (even though she wouldnt accept them) and after almost a year of arguments and shit she accepts my use, and has even tried it herself

i didnt start using till after we had been together 1 1/2 years, and she was always on me about it, but over time, she saw that i havent become a steretypical stoner (like EVERYONEE does after smoking the devil weed ) in fact ive matured a lot and become a better person since i started smoking weed

she still expresses apprehension at my desire to go into the world of psychedelics, for some reason she is TERRIFIED of me doing lsd, tohugh she doesnt have as much of a problem with shrooms or dmt... in fact one day i brought up 2c-e (a synthetic phenethylamine psychedelic) and she said "well as long as it isnt acid"... so irrational either way i try to stay away from street drugs, so its not a big thing to me... if acid comes to me ill try it, otherwise i dont realy care

anyway... ignorance is the enemy... thats true wherever we go... it is astounding the vast amount of stupidity that radiated from the common people, and the worst thing is that they are ignorant to their ignorance... thats the worst it gets
weve got to let our lights shine and spread the truth, so that one day, the ignorant wont opress the enlightened few! spread the vapor, and share the love!

(dear god... im turning into cannabudz )

 

[DigitalDavinci]

There is a good tag line... "spread the vapor, and share the love"

I know...I know...different thread. Back to topic.

I hope you can live with the thought that you tried, and you can't change people. If she has mental issues, and she won't get help...what can you do. I have a diagnossed mental problem, I admit it, and I try to fix it. That is the only reason my wife tolorates it.

You have to except (as long as you have tried everthing at least 5 times) that sometimes people/places/situations change, and not for the better. You have to adjust, cope, and try to learn for the next experiance. I hope she will "see the light" someday, but don't waste your life on someone that isn't ready/willing to except change.

After stating my opinion (which is all that was) I hope you can remain together. I believe in love, and it's growth. I hope your love turns into a butterfly someday.

Even the strongest of rivers split and reform countless times. Only to realize at the end...they have always been one.

Wow I need to smoke! That makes no sense! Sorry if that is too mushy, but I'm an artist. We tend to be romantics.

DD

 

[Acolyte of Zinglon]

hows the shit with your wife going?

 

[marvel]

She gave me the ultimatum.. "me or drugs?" Note that she included alcohol in "drugs", I have one or two beers once a week with the boys and have our entire marriage, never been a problem but now she wants it all stopped. Anyway, I told her to pack her bags.

Funny thing: She didn't mean it. I called her bluff. She's now decided it's OK if I do what I do and she just looks the other way. In fact she's been very lovey-dovey these past couple of weeks.

Just to clarify, lest anyone think, "What is wrong with him for choosing pot over his wife?" - As you all know, most mj users don't fit the stoner profile. This is not to brag, but I'm a successful professional and I take care of every financial detail in my family's life. My wife has never had to work a day in her life and I do my best to take care of her emotional needs. So, you know, I'll be damned if I'm going to be told that I'm any kind of worthless simply because I choose to indulge in this substance. I'm smart enough to understand her concerns if my business were failing because I was stoned every minute, but that's not the way it is.

 

[Acolyte of Zinglon]

thats pretty awesome, glad it worked out... i would probably do the same thing, but ive worn down on my gf enough that she accepts whatever i want to do

i feel tempeted to quote an overused cliche... but i think ill not... it goes without saying

 

[Beezleb]

I once had a girlfriend who had issue with it, I found someone who shares my views and couldnt be happier.

 

[Acolyte of Zinglon]

well, i loved her before i had gotten into weed, so it was closer to the op's situation

 

[Spiderman]

You made exactly the right decision marvel. In one word, you explained to her why it wasnt her choice.

 

[Medivape]

Marvel, good for you and I'm glad things worked out. No kids, huh?

I was just commenting to one of my friends today how fortunate I am that my wife ( a non-smoker) doesn't try to control my use of MJ. I think it's crazy, but I know a lot of people who don't use MJ, or have to go to great measures to hide it because of their wife. Now if it were a matter of it interfering with the family finances, that would be another thing altogether. Hell, you never know, give it some time and maybe she might start experimenting.

 

[marvel]

Actually, I do have kids, which made this that much more difficult. Thing is, though, it would only be that much worse for them if I just complied with anything she asked. I'd be miserable and you can't be a good parent in that state. I've never, ever been one to listen to unreasonable demands... "You can't" is the best way to ensure I do it anyway. I figure when I moved out of Mommy and Daddy's house so many years ago, I became in charge of my decisions. Not my boss, not my wife, not the state nor anybody else.

I'm in total agreement with the family finances bit. If there were issues there, that's a different story. Likewise if one were using substances and becoming abusive or worthless or what have you. I'm none of those things. In the past year I've personally spent less than $80 on MJ itself (and $300 on an Extreme, but who's counting?). So, you know, it's not like I have an expensive habit here.

 

[vaporcloud]

For years I grew and made money from MJ ... and then stopped for a while and would easily spend $300+ a month. Then I started growing again for a couple of years just for personal use ... but have since gone back to purchasing ... but I don't have a problem with paying for it. I know the work involved in a crop and don't have the time to commit to growing bud I'd be happy with.

I think I earnt over $5000 last year from gigging and teaching guitar ... all tax free ... all for ME!

edit - sorry steered a bit off topic there

You have made a quality choice Marvel.

 

[Beezleb]

Glad to hear that weight is lifted. When I had to live with the weed in the closet so to speak I was miserable and simply didnt feel free.

Now if we can get the US legalize or just back off weed I would truly feel free, hehe.

 

[voporay]

man i am so fortunate my lovelywife lets me smoke as much as i want when i want, has never said one small word to me about it..because of this i love her more than the weed. well that and a few other cool things, she is a bedtime toker two hits of the vapor bag and its nighty nite for wiffeypoo. i am a heavy smoker from the time i was 15 till now you could probably put all the days i havent smoked on two calender pages.and i am now 36, somy wife knew when we dated.
but you started after the mairrage and after it was rocky a little diff. but i personaly could not be with someone who thinks pot is not ok period..
but i think everyone should do as they please, my wife smokes those filty little baccy sticks, in bed right beside me, i dont care.. i never nag, every three months i give her the health spill . my wife likes to have a drink here and there and i hate to drink but i will choke a white russian or two down while shes tiein one on who cares.. we are responsible people who pay all our bills on time, pay our taxes two kids(mine from a previous) two dogs piket fence (seriously) and yard all that american dream shit.. and i smoke like a chimney(now vape like a hmmm what else vapes?)cuss like a sailor, live like a pirate. all the while wife is neat , corprate, martini and cigar. we get along well.

i can only wish that all of you on this board could do so well in the spouse dept..

ohhh and i will shot a mother***ker for sniffin around my lady..lol..

 

[DigitalDavinci]

Nice vaporay. I'm in the same boat. My wife doesn't smoke/vape though. She doesn't care that I do, so she's perfect in my book. She is more addicted to chocolate and chips, so we all have our vices.

We try to slow up on all our enduldges for 2 three month cycles. 3 on and 3 off for less intake of everything, and constantly exercising. Fats, calories, pot, booze (which neither of us do much of anymore), spending, consuming. It is rewarding to test your self, and helps reprogram yourself towards what is really important. I never last on the pot though.

I think that is my suggestion for Marvel...not that you asked, so you can tell me to take a hike. Find out what makes him happy, and find out how to dive more into those activities. MJ is all well and good, but surrounding you with happiness as much as possible helps your outlook. Young hippie at heart here. Hope all is well Marvel.

DD

 

[marvel]

we all have our vices

Ain't that the truth.

so you can tell me to take a hike

No way man, I'm a hippie at heart. I love everyone and appreciate everything you have to say. I'm happy with everything in life except the relationship with my wife. We're working on it... I'm hoping I can talk her into trying a little of this, might calm her down a bit. Doubt that will ever happen, though, and I'm OK with that, just want her to lay off me. She's trying but she still makes comments and gets upset... Time will tell.

As I said though, life is great besides this one thing. OK, so it happens to be one of the biggest and most important things, but still, the fact that everything else is wonderful helps me cope.

 

[vaporcloud]

i can only wish that all of you on this board could do so well in the spouse dept..

..

I don't have to wish vaporay. My wife sound a lot like yours ... minus the ciggies ... and she likes to drink Bourbon and loves to vape ... loves the PD

 

[Acolyte of Zinglon]

heh my girl is such a boozer (when she has it) i keep her away from cigarettes though

shes toked with me a couple of times but she wants to go into law enforcement (forensics, i made her promise she wouldnt get involved with the dea) and doesnt think its a good idea to do it too much, so on like, holidays we toke together, otherwise its just me, but she doesnt mind my use now (she used to give me ultimatums, but she never made good on them, i wore her down eventually)
probably the thing that most swayed her is that i kept being a cool person after i started, and actually became a better person than i was before... and i didnt suddenly become a loser like the government told her i would