when illness causes someone to be abusive

[CarolKing]

I'm reading through some wonderful posts from our male FC friends. That's right verbal abuse can be as devastating as physical abuse. Often the emotional abuse can escalates and lead to physical abuse, so please take care of yourself.

That's right he needs to know that it's not OK to take his frustrations due to his illnesses on you. You sympathize with him but you need to take care of you. Start putting a little money away just in case.

We need to mellow this guy out with some heavy duty Indicas.

 

[mvapes]

The guy isn't always the aggressor. I've seen it go both ways. No, I actually have been part of it going both ways.

It's a blind illness, it doesn't care who you are or what you mean to them. They don't fear you or order and in their rage I believe they fear nothing. When that rage, that Illness takes over they don't even look the same. Becoming red in the face and sweating as their blood boils the the words they speak tear into your heart like barbed wire.

They don't care if your scared or if your sick. They don't care that you can't help yourself yet they call you a bitch for not raising your hands back! As they continue with the violence the comments keep coming, the threats, they completely demoralize you. But what can you do, your scared, and not only for yourself but your family. You spend your days wondering what's going on in your absence. You wonder what your going to get home to.

But every now and then you see a glimmer of the person you once knew, a hint that they're still inside the monster that they've become. But you know, you fucking know the monster is going to return.

I say what I'm about to say and I swear on my life that I am writing this in tears...

It's not your fault! It's not your fault!

You didn't do this!

 

[hibeam]

@mvapes, Goodwill Hunting had me in tears. It is the truth. Ever read any Ekhart Tolle? I like his pain body theory, that pain becomes the monster to feed.

@CarolKing, yes a job for Super Indica!

@EDC @Joel W. @His_Highness, I became a pro shit deflector from my Mom taking out all kinds of pain on her kids, but then this guy comes along and for years mothers me better than she ever did, so the monster must be slain with a surgeon scalpel. My comrads in shit deflection.

 

[mvapes]

@hibeam I wish those words were only repeating line from a great movie. Unfortunately those are the words I hear when I cry to my friends. They keep reminding me that I didn't do this. I'm not the cause? I have trouble swallowing it because of the constant reminders brought upon me after the first few gulps...

I wish you were dead, your nothing to me, you've destroyed my life!

These are hard for me to grasp let alone tell myself that I'm not the problem. Oh and the best is the fact that I have an illness, one that's life changing. One that limits my mobility. My term "monster" came about as that rage, that animal, that thing attacked me under seizure.

What did I do? Funny shit is I went on loving. I still gave my all. I rocked it to sleep while it help a knife in my chest.

Now let's be real and let me spill the beans, the irony of the situation is I am the recovered addict. That fucking disease is in my blood and I thought I got rid of it. I overcame!

But here it is again, it just came from a different angle. Karma's a fucking bitch, I don't know what movie that came from but if you know please PM me. I'd like to buy a copy!

 

[hibeam]

@mvapes, it sounds like you are the one in pain but that pain turned your care taker into a monster. Is that right?

 

[herbivore21]

Oh man, this thread is way too raw for me. Back closer to when I joined FC, I was in the middle of a dreadful relationship with an abusive partner. She had been through the worst of the worst over the years before meeting me and had serious, major PTSD, depersonalization, the works. I won't go into detail, especially at the moment, but I gave up on relationships after that one. SSRI's may have killed my sex drive, but abusive relationships killed my desire for any kind of intimate partner. I'll grow old and die alone, and as far as I'm concerned, it's better that way.

 

[Melting Pot]

 

[CarolKing]

If you are financially able and not concerned with missing work maybe you could get away for a couple days just to think and sort out your feelings. It would be s break for you to get away. The constant stress that you are living under could cause you to get sick.

 

[His_Highness]

If you are financially able and not concerned with missing work maybe you could get away for a couple days just to think and sort out your feelings. It would be s break for you to get away. The constant stress that you are living under could cause you to get sick.

It might also help her mate gain some perspective and learn to appreciate what he has while she is away.

 

[hibeam]

Update:

Next time he goes off coffee I might sprinkle some NO DOZ in his pablum. Can caffeine withdrawal trigger temporary paranoid schizophrenia? Anybody see David Mamet's film Edmund with William H. Macey? I will not spoil it but there is a great line about too much coffee. Fucking legal drugs.

@Melting PotNext time he yells at me I will not be empty handed. Cannot wait for him to ask what it is for. He does have bleed through sense of humor sometimes.

 

[t-dub]

I wonder how much of the personality changes are due to the disease, and how much are from the medications treating it.

Ahhh . . an excellent question. After 10 years of chemo/immuno therapy, some of it putting me in the hospital multiple times because it made me so sick, its hard to tell which is worse, the cure or the disease. In an effort to save my marriage I stopped most of the pills, 9 prescriptions, and the chemo and started to heal my gut with nutraceuticals. That was going well until the bills started pilling up. Supplements are expensive and not covered by insurance. Also, the stress of my current situation is making me much worse. And no matter what I do to improve it doesn't help. Truly a no-win scenario for me right now. For all you folks on the outside looking in think about living on chemo therapy for over a decade. Think about puking your guts out every morning while enduring chronic pain. Think about crying when you wake up because you want to stay asleep. Think about having a disease that makes you wish you were dead but won't kill you.

 

[little maggie]

Oh man, this thread is way too raw for me. Back closer to when I joined FC, I was in the middle of a dreadful relationship with an abusive partner. She had been through the worst of the worst over the years before meeting me and had serious, major PTSD, depersonalization, the works. I won't go into detail, especially at the moment, but I gave up on relationships after that one. SSRI's may have killed my sex drive, but abusive relationships killed my desire for any kind of intimate partner. I'll grow old and die alone, and as far as I'm concerned, it's better that way.

Sad. I had a relationship like that- not an intimate one but a friend. I've never felt crazier or more trapped. I hope you find a path to safe closeness with someone.

 

[Joel W.]

If I was sick and in extreme pain, I would surely try to not take it out on the only person in this world, willing to help me.

It sounds like we are trying to justify abuse?

Edit: I have experience with a person suffering from dimensia who could not control their anger and in my opinion, they need professional care/help.

Edited

 

[His_Highness]

I have been told I am an unforgiving bastard when I have drawn a line in the sand relative to folks taking their troubles out on me or mine after sticking to my guns and ending the relationship.

When it's a close relationship and even worse when love is involved it's hard and it's painful on the abuser and the abused. What makes it tough for me are the following three thoughts that run through my head when these situations occur:
- If I make it crystal clear, at the beginning, that I will not stand for it and act on that promise, normally the abuse stops. Kind of like dealing with a bully. If I don't get hard about it at the beginning it will become worse and unworkable.
- I need to help. I want to help. I have to make the abuse stop or I won't be able nor willing to help and the relationship may end and end badly. I have to put a stop to this now for both of us.
- If you respect me you won't abuse me and you can't love someone unless you respect them.

 

[CarolKing]

When in severe pain all your spouse sees is a dark tunnel. He or she can't pull you into that tunnel though. Tell this person like it is, plain and simple this is abuse no matter how you sugar coat it.

He or she needs to be told that the abuse won't be tolerated any longer and it will stop today. If it doesn't, I would make a statement by leaving and protecting yourself in the process. No one should have to live like how you describe in your above posts. Take care of yourself because if you don't nobody else will, put yourself first. Good luck with all this. Keep us updated

 

[hibeam]

@CarolKing, thanks for the supportive words! I posted earlier about coffee withdrawal and I want to confirm that issue. After weeks of flaring badlly, he went off coffee cold turkey. I found this out later. It was what pushed him over the edge and he really did become paranoid. As soon as I threatened to call his brother, he became contrite, and the past week has been much better. The funny thing is that his brother's wife has a very bad temper that my mate finds intolerable. I should not have to hold his family over his head. But that is what gets his head out of his ass. :S

I totally agree with @His_Highness. There is no other way.