I confess that I have some pretty heavy personality baggage that I never dealt with or figured out growing up, and over time I have just really messed so much up and continue to do so.
But ever since I started using MJ nightly for the past 5 months it is the only thing that has ever opened up that part of my brain that seemed to have been closed off. That part of the brain that says what you are doing, how you are perceiving situations, and acting upon them is not correct, or is correct, etc. That there are other ways to see things, that there are different approaches, different attitudes for different things in life. I realized I couldn't keep acting and being who I had shaped out to be. What I am able to do now is almost like meditation, when I medicate it is like I just calm down and I open pathways in my brain that are so shut off. A lot of the times I take down a note. Sometimes I am able to analyze my actions that I have taken either that day (or in my past that still haven't changed) that in effect damage my relationships with all people I encounter. I will vape/medicate and sometimes I will have epiphanies about who I am and how I need to change. I immediately write down extremely straight forward notes when it happens. I then read the notes each day, study and try to apply them. And let me tell you something, it has been beautiful. My attitude towards everything has changed. It is not magic, MJ did not change me just by ingesting it, but MJ is allowing myself to teach myself what is wrong and what is right. All my life I pushed people away I had bad attitudes etc etc etc and it always held me back in every aspect of my life. Things are getting better and it's because I am allowing MJ to kind of show me the way, when those pathways open up and I have an "epiphany" I take it seriously as it's like something just "clicks" and I'm hit with a brick like "Fuck. I can't believe I have been going about x thing in my life this way. No wonder things are like this." Also when I am medicated I relax mentally and physically, because my brain just goes 100mph on it's uncontrollable course every day, so when the MJ hits everything slows down and I am able to feel and think/react as I believe the rational version of me should be.
It is unfortunate that the high would not allow me to be medicated 24/7, but I don't think it should work like that anyway for my particular case. I am not sure it would even work like that. I am not going to say that "ahh i love weed i should be stoned all day". It is a tool, and for me it is so effective in the way I described above. I can't just be high 24/7 and leave it up to that. I will continue to learn, work hard at it, and change, and my life will continue to better just as long as I am willing to keep at it.
There are therapists/therapies, there are pills, there is yoga, there is meditation. This is my version of whatever you call all of that. It might be weird maybe I am weird person for doing it, all I can say is that it is working and I feel better and things are changing for the positive and people around me are noticing and am sure are wondering "what has gotten into him!"
it is definitely not fun living life being trapped by your own personality faults. I am so glad I finally am catching it as I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Also I get a cool hobby out of it!
Sorry for the long post I know this is not a diary but it is a confession and has to do with vaping! I hope this is ok to put here haha hope I didn't take it too literal or too far... first time I have ever explained (confessed) this!
