The Tiny-Short Story thread.

[Poostuff]

I had this nightmare that my schlong was no longer a schlong but in fact was turned into a little Vienna Sausage by my vengeful ex-wife who learned this spell from her grandmother, Miss Rudolf, the voodoo lady.

I think that fits into the title of this thread, eh?

That's awful I hope you don't tell these stories to the ladies at Bingo.

 

[lwien]

That's awful I hope you don't tell these stories to the ladies at Bingo.

 

[SSVUN~YAH]

I had this nightmare that my schlong was no longer a schlong but in fact was turned into a little Vienna Sausage by my vengeful ex-wife who learned this spell from her grandmother, Miss Rudolf, the voodoo lady.

I think that fits into the title of this thread, eh?

I always thought the L was for Larry not little.

 

[CuckFumbustion]

I had a story idea that could easily be developed on If I had money and an independent film crew to make it worthwhile. There's this thrash song by Adrenalin O.D. called "Paul's not home." that sum's up the time period and pace of this knucklehead misadventures of 3 chumps, trying through the entirety of the film, to get a bag of 'strange' while the whole town seems to be dry. This guy Paul who is a small time seller of nickel and dime bags is nowhere to be found and he is a bit of a flake normally. Plus his parents never really keep tabs on Paul, Just tell the 3 "Uhh, Paul's not home."

The 3 have to bum rides from buddies. Use rotary phones and use code words over the phone. Because they are paranoid and it's the late 70's. ( Cel phone convenience is out.) So you have all types of miscommunication occur due to the limitations of only having land lines. They get involved with sketchy near transactions, but as fate would have it someone/something ends up blowing it at a critical juncture. And then the long explanations to the 3 why things didn't work out. More red herrings, frustration, visit Paul's parents house again, more bizarre intermediate characters. Maybe Crispin Glover. They buy fake pot from high times and get 'burned'. Keep pestering Paul's parents again, "Paul's not home." More bong scrapeing. Then they smell a conspiracy. Go on a quest. Find Paul and lure him home. He reveals that he is out too, but the town is dry for only a short time. The group exhausted from excuses and chasing dead ends gasps in disbeleif. Then as he struggles with his denim jacket pocket grabbing for a Marlboro, a single roach falls to the ground in slo-mo. Exuberance. Roll credits.

Really want to catch the dialects and awkward conversations that would occur only in that era.
The phone conversation breakdowns that would occur would exploit the fails for comic effect.

 

[°k]

I had a story idea that could easily be developed on If I had money and an independent film crew to make it worthwhile. There's this thrash song by Adrenalin O.D. called "Paul's not home." that sum's up the time period and pace of this knucklehead misadventures of 3 chumps, trying through the entirety of the film, to get a bag of 'strange' while the whole town seems to be dry. This guy Paul who is a small time seller of nickel and dime bags is nowhere to be found and he is a bit of a flake normally. Plus his parents never really keep tabs on Paul, Just tell the 3 "Uhh, Paul's not home."

The 3 have to bum rides from buddies. Use rotary phones and use code words over the phone. Because they are paranoid and it's the late 70's. ( Cel phone convenience is out.) So you have all types of miscommunication occur due to the limitations of only having land lines. They get involved with sketchy near transactions, but as fate would have it someone/something ends up blowing it at a critical juncture. And then the long explanations to the 3 why things didn't work out. More red herrings, frustration, visit Paul's parents house again, more bizarre intermediate characters. Maybe Crispin Glover. They buy fake pot from high times and get 'burned'. Keep pestering Paul's parents again, "Paul's not home." More bong scrapeing. Then they smell a conspiracy. Go on a quest. Find Paul and lure him home. He reveals that he is out too, but the town is dry for only a short time. The group exhausted from excuses and chasing dead ends gasps in disbeleif. Then as he struggles with his denim jacket pocket grabbing for a Marlboro, a single roach falls to the ground in slo-mo. Exuberance. Roll credits.

Really want to catch the dialects and awkward conversations that would occur only in that era.
The phone conversation breakdowns that would occur would exploit the fails for comic effect.

Don't go indie, that's a script for Michael Bay!

 

[His_Highness]

@CuckFumbustion - You reminded me of.....

When I lived in Philly I had hit a dry spell. Someone mentioned a park near Fairmount where I might be able to find a nickle or dime bag. Desperate, I took the subway, found the park and saw what looked like two kids who were doing business. Before I could approach them one of them approached me and asked me if I was looking for some weed. I noticed that there was a rather large fella who seemed to be keeping an eye on the two kids. I handed the kid five dollars and he handed me the highly coveted tiny plastic pouch I was in search of. It looked good. As I was walking away I took a quick look around, saw there were no cops so I opened the little plastic pouch and took a whiff. Didn't smell quite right so I took another whiff. DAMN! Smells like gerbil food! I turned around and walked up to the kid who sold me the shit and it wasn't lost on me that he didn't seem worried. He wasn't even trying to leave. When I approached him and told him this isn't weed he replied 'Get Lost' in a very nonchalant, calm manner. That's when the big fella materialized next to me. I looked up at the big guy and then back at the kid and said 'Just gimme back the five bucks and I'll give you back your bullshit'. The big guy suggested 'I should fuckin forget about it'. And I might have done just that except at that point I saw a cop walking coming into the park. I told the two guys that if they didn't give me back my money I'd call the cop over. I guess they thought I was bluffing because the big guy said 'go ahead'. So....that's exactly what I did. I yelled to the cop 'Excuse me officer, could you come here for a minute'. I thought for sure they'd tell me to be cool and give me back the money or promise to but they just stood there with me. When the cop came over I showed him the little plastic pouch and told him these two guys had sold me fake weed and I wanted my money back. The cop looked at me with a bored look and said 'Get the fuck out of the park, now'. As I was walking away I heard him say to the two guys 'I'm telling you two for the last time...if I see you back here selling that crap again I'm going to take you back to the center'.

A few week's later I was a block away from the park on other business and decided to see if they were there. Sure enough I saw the two rip off artists again.....They were talking to two guys who looked like they were asking about getting some weed. I yelled 'You're about to get ripped off if you're looking for herb'! The two guys they were talking to immediately walked away. As the two rip off artists started toward me I yelled 'Same time tomorrow work for you guys'!? And ran like crazy right up till I caught up with a policeman on a horse. The two guys turned around and I continued on my way wishing that the cop on the horse was the same one from before.

 

[CuckFumbustion]

Don't go indie, that's a script for Michael Bay!

Not sure if fast editing and fireballs was what I had in mind. But for the right money. I was thinking more of "Drugstore Cowboy" and "River's Edge" with some slapstick If I were to pitch it to a Hollywood Exec. Not that I can think of a recent film that was of that caliber or tone in a while.

Most modern movies (and television shows) seem paced so unnatural to real life. Even ordinary dramas are so measured in how they dispense the dialog. I don't watch TV. But there was a tv show I caught randomly where every actor had exactly one line to say to each other. The editing was abrupt enough to give each character equal time or so it seemed. But, Who talks and behaves like that? Or needs that kind of attention from the camera eye? This is why I wanted the rotary phone in my movie as a prop to take us out of that mindset entirely. I want actors running to the phone, dropping the cord, awkward timing, weird pauses. No fast jerky edits or actors talking with intensity AT EACH OTHER. This was meant have the illusion of capturing a moment. Y'know a little observational cinema. Slice of life stuff. Just that mine would have jughead stoners amble through the story line.

I remember a lot of films in the 70's especially it seems, where the pacing was a little more natural, odd errata or moments not relevant to the story would be in the film.
Now everything has to branch back into the main story. If I can think of a few good examples of this, I'll bring it up again.

 

[°k]

Not sure if fast editing and fireballs was what I had in mind. But for the right money. I was thinking more of "Drugstore Cowboy" and "River's Edge" with some slapstick If I were to pitch it to a Hollywood Exec. Not that I can think of a recent film that was of that caliber or tone in a while.

Most modern movies (and television shows) seem paced so unnatural to real life. Even ordinary dramas are so measured in how they dispense the dialog. I don't watch TV. But there was a tv show I caught randomly where every actor had exactly one line to say to each other. The editing was abrupt enough to give each character equal time or so it seemed. But, Who talks and behaves like that? Or needs that kind of attention from the camera eye? This is why I wanted the rotary phone in my movie as a prop to take us out of that mindset entirely. I want actors running to the phone, dropping the cord, awkward timing, weird pauses. No fast jerky edits or actors talking with intensity AT EACH OTHER. This was meant have the illusion of capturing a moment. Y'know a little observational cinema. Slice of life stuff. Just that mine would have jughead stoners amble through the story line.

I remember a lot of films in the 70's especially it seems, where the pacing was a little more natural, odd errata or moments not relevant to the story would be in the film.
Now everything has to branch back into the main story. If I can think of a few good examples of this, I'll bring it up again.

Fine, send your script to Lars Von Trier since you don't wanna make money...

 

[CuckFumbustion]

@His_Highness Yes! Your Philly story is the shenanigans that seemed to take place more at the time period of my story. Or how about waiting in the back seat in someone else's car while they go walk two blocks for anonymity sake to go for a potential buy?

Fine, send your script to Lars Von Trier since you don't wanna make money...

Maybe I'll write a Script for Bay, cash in, do my independent film. Lose money. Make ART or something...

 

[His_Highness]

@CuckFumbustion - LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or in a similar situation to waiting in the back seat....I demanded to go with the person because of the larger than normal quantity purchase and when the door opened we were told 'Don't bring this Starsky and Hutch looking motherfucker around here'! and the door was slammed shut

 

[gaseous_clay]

This may be a tiny bit longer than a tiny short story.

3am. I have been vaping. Getting over a very unpleasant stomach thing. I hear noises by my door (apartment building.) Through the peephole I see a guy, mid 20's who looks familiar. He can barely stand he is so drunk. Just staggering.

I ask what he wants. He starts talking. Wha? I open the door a crack, holding on to the chain like it actually works (I checked after. It works. Idiot!) He smiles at me. (?) He starts mumbling something. I tell him he's got the wrong apartment. This is (and here I messed up and said the wrong apartment number. I've transposed numbers/letters from old apartments before. Idiot!) I shut the door. He looks familiar... He may be this guy I saw about a week ago enter the apartment across from me (2 per floor) with a key as I came home, which I found odd as a couple live there.

5 minutes. There is knocking.

I loudly said to him through the door "YOU GOT THE WRONG APARTMENT. I DON'T KNOW YOU, MAN. YOU CAN'T BE MESSING WITH PEOPLE'S DOORS."

I hear the door across from me open. I look through the peephole and see him being dragged in with the lady of the house screaming "WHAT?" as the door slammed.

Want icing on the cake? I accepted a package for them earlier today. Knock knock!

 

[CuckFumbustion]

I live on a street that also happens to be the conjoined to at least four state highways. Normal neighborhood size and layout for a city in CNY. Two story houses ranging from the 18th century on up. But it also doubles as pass thru for highway traffic. Peak times of 8 and 5 are to be avoided. That type of congestion.

I used to joke that the narrow state sign with it's two narrow steel posts and 4 square state signs stacked up much like a totem pole. Plain black numbers on white text with a wide black outline on square plates. Monochrome and vertical. Well for whatever reason, It was knocked over. Probably the winter storm blanketing everything. Like 4 inches of snow caking up on telephone pole lines. Trees drooping heavy. And poor visibility caused by occasional powder getting thrown around. Somebody forgot how to drive in snow and skipped up to a curb too close and the sign probably took all the impact. Why do people try to kiss the curb with the side of their tires when they park? I was always taught to know where your tire are. Plus I can rely on balance and spatial relations and how about those mirrors to park. Plus my Dad used to drive truck once and I took driver's training so i wouldn't have to go through that. I'm much more in the moment when I drive BTW. No radio. tight cornering, check my mirrors every 3 seconds. Both hands on 10 and 2. Or should it be 9 and 3? Well, I put Joe Friday to shame most days.

Still haven't forgotten how most people are frankly unfamiliar with the feel of their car. Like when some fool drunk smashed into a tree with his DWI-mobile and almost into my house? When trying to kiss the curb with his tire when he parks. Probably thinking in his inebriated state "Why is my car stuck?" So the knuckle head probably aggressively gave the gas a sharp punch. The tire already wedged to the side of the concrete skips over the curb and a loud crash complete with a poor tree getting throttled. By the boom of the crash, I was expecting my front porch to be demolished. Cops should have taken him in. But the car was parked and he was in the street still drunk and either looking for his buds or bros or was just wandering aimlessly. My freind came out a short time later.

The drunk even asked me if I heard the crash in his slurred speech. Then latched on to me once he got an inkling that I wasn't too pleased by the tone of my answer. Kept reassuring me with the 'no harm no foul'. It's all cool man. Like he was going to quiet me down. Just great. Since the Police didn't take him in as they should. He was in that clingy drunk state to boot. He was so out of it and following us on our porch as if in a herd mode. I knew exactly what state of drunk he was in. So the cops didn't write him up, I thought a few more times. He was in need for what I presumed was his douchy reckless drunken bro bros. If I don't talk fast, He will start leaning on me with his stale booze breath and use me as leaning post.

After I demanded he get off my porch, he apologized, but never got of my porch. Just kept on with reassuring BS . Aaaaaand he's repeating himself and talking in circles. Stuck with a gibbering drunk who's trying to appease me. But not doing the one thing I asked. Just get off my porch jerkbag and go find what I presume to be your drinking buds. So I lowered the boom on my voice and leaned toward him and demanded he get. He's spout. I'd get more tense and louder and repeat with teethy over pronunciation. You need to get off my porch. NOW!. He babbles more. I start waving my arms inches from his face. In slow motion for emphasis. I nearly yell at him to snap out of it. Jarring him back. I'm not even sorting this mess if the police won't. Brushed him off a stair at a time. He loudly and drunking-ly over apologizing. Walking backwards but still facing me. More fake fratboy Bro placating. Enough with the Miller's Crossing hand wringing for chrissakes. When he was leaving, I explained to my freind, who was there to witness the exchange, in detail the type of drunken state he in and how I had to pull him off me like a barnacle.

Well back to the totem pole sign. Some other not so careful driver smacked it off it's bolts and it laid there. The county or whomever never got around to fixing it.
I was worried that some chump would curb skip or something equally careless and smash through my porch and into my living room. Silly but accurate notion, I'm afraid.

So it's 3AM or so. I hear girls giggling while I'm in my living room. Am I in some horror film? The dampening of the sound caused by the falling and blanketing snow plus the cold air amplifies any quiet noise outside. More girls giggling. Then a dull scrape. More Shits and grins guffaw noise. An even longer scraping sound.

Those crazy girls are trying to run off with the sign! They were planning on dragging it somewhere. I was kinda hoping they would make a totem pole or something art piece. Or maybe just claim it as a trophy. I tried really hard not to laugh myself and have them run off. So 5 minutes of scraping, brief pause, giggling, repeat. Me suppressing my laughter. Then they were able to unfreeze the sign. A quiet pause and then one long sustained metal on concrete scraping noise getting quieter only by distance. You go girls! Finally I could let go of all that suppressed laughter. Oh and I have a new replacement totem.

 

[His_Highness]

@CuckFumbustion - Enjoyed that!

 

[h3rbalist]

I finally had a couple hours spare to watch the new Star Wars movie at the iMax with my pal who has been badgering me to see the movie since it's release.

He has been 3 times already and is a massive fan and was hyped and excited to take me.

So much so, that as we jump in the car to go see the film, he forgets that I haven't seen it yet and proceeds to tell me the huge spoiler at the end.



Luckily I'm not a fan and only went to please him so wasn't too pissed.

But still, what a knob end eh. lol


He has asked me not to tell anyone, but I have informed him that is not an option, I will never forget and will be winding him up about it for the rest of our days.

 

[His_Highness]

I finally had a couple hours spare to watch the new Star Wars movie at the iMax with my pal who has been badgering me to see the movie since it's release.

He has been 3 times already and is a massive fan and was hyped and excited to take me.

So much so, that as we jump in the car to go see the film, he forgets that I haven't seen it yet and proceeds to tell me the huge spoiler at the end.



Luckily I'm not a fan and only went to please him so wasn't too pissed.

But still, what a knob end eh. lol


He has asked me not to tell anyone, but I have informed him that is not an option, I will never forget and will be winding him up about it for the rest of our days.

I know what you mean...the movie was great but the most entertaining aspect for me has been watching some of the 30 and up crowd become animated, excited children when talking about it. Some of the most masculine guys I know have gone full-tilt-nerd on me during these conversations. Love it!

 

[CuckFumbustion]

Been a Jedi since 77. Became an Obi-man when I discovered Captain Beefheart. Was at the perfect age to see the first movie and lose myself and catch the magic. But also understand all the technical things needed to have say 3 special effects overlap each other in one frame. I developed an appreciation for the other things that went into the film. And it was one of the first science fiction/fantasy films where everything looked used and worn. "A used future" as opposed to everything looking new and shiney in most sci-fi films and TV. Very few films at the time embraced that concept. A land speeder had dents, pits of rust, and scorch marks compared to the sleekness of visual style of the props of other movies.

Although I haven't heavily geeked out to Star wars since the first few movies. People still give me Star Wars merchandise for christmas. Perfect strangers have started conversations relating to Star Wars at me. I guess I just give off that vibe.

Here is some secret parts of the Jedi formula I'm about to reveal to you, And to why this movie speaks to most of us. Something about 'The Hero's Journey.' Religious people see aspects of their faith similar to "the force" and that is entirely intentional. The full documentary is worth checking out. Padawan's and seekers of all types. Behold!

 

[CuckFumbustion]

@CuckFumbustion - LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or in a similar situation to waiting in the back seat....I demanded to go with the person because of the larger than normal quantity purchase and when the door opened we were told 'Don't bring this Starsky and Hutch looking motherfucker around here'! and the door was slammed shut

I swear I knew of that exact thing happening to other people back in the day.
Including the 1 oz and believe it when I say it, the 'Don't bring this Starsky and Hutch looking motherfucker around here'! part and the door shutting in their face. It doesn't get much more in 70's groove than that. Hair length and being clean cut or even good hygiene meant you were 'not cool' with some sellers. Trying to pass off as 'cool' was even a harder sell in the 60's. If you didn't grow up in the culture already.

Incense was a big thing. Don't think aromatherapy was widespread. But this was to cover up wet armpit smell of lingering combusting funk. Or so some thought. I am starting to remember some the smells of that era. Incense sticks leaving ash burns. Rani incense cones. Save that for the nostalgia thread.

Glad all of you liked my tiny story within a tiny story.

 

[gaseous_clay]

Tiny Shorts Story...

Walking down the street one day I see a pair of legs and a fantastic posterior (wearing shorts) bent over, digging in a trunk. Just as I thought "Nice ass," she stood up. And she was a he. All I could do was laugh and think "Well, he has a nice ass I guess."

Nothing to see here. Keep it moving....

 

[TeeJay1952]

Happens to everyone at one time or another. A gratuitous side peek alerts us for further investigation and then....RED ALERT, RED ALERT..Minor, Minor Back away nothing to see here.

 

[Rab]

This is Tony.
Think of Tony.
Tony is a guy.
Just a regular guy.

Hi Tony!
Tony says Hi.
Tony is not sure why.
To whom did he say Hi.
Tony starts eating glue.
Tony is no regular guy.

 

[CuckFumbustion]

"What should I be saying after I'm asked to think of Tony? 'Hi, Tony Welcome to the The Tiny-Short Story thread?' " @CuckFumbustion questioned openly.

'Was it something we said or did to make you so irregular, and then start eating that glue right in the middle of a tiny-short story, in the middle of a tiny-short post, in the middle of a tiny-short thread? @CuckFumbustion went off in the middle of a post, that too was in the middle of a tiny-short story. 'Is this a ploy for plot thread' He questioned to Tony.

'No need to distress, for it is also the glue to bind a tiny-short story and like all other tiny-short stories, it will all be over tiny-short soon.' 'Now be a good OP and hand me a tiny-short wooden spoon.' So I did. Long tiny-short story Tony....... You are among friends. The END.

 

[grampa_herb]

a thread worth reviving, say I.

I used to work with a guy from Tijuana. A couple times a year he would drive down there to see family. He once asked me if I wanted something from Mexico, so I asked him to bring me back one of those penis pipes you see for sale in the border towns, and it had to be pink!

Well, he did do it, but it was really hard on him. He meekly went from stall to stall until he found one, but it wasn't pink. He asked the vendor if a pink one was available, but the vendor just yelled loudly down to the others that this guy was looking for a pink penis pipe, all in Spanish, and everyone hears it, and he felt quite uneasy....