http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/50-people-on-the-most-intellectual-joke-i-know/
1.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2.Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, “Which do you prefer: chess or sex?”. Spassky replied “It very much depends on the position”.
3.“I’m a linguist, so I like ambiguity more than most people.”
4.Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
5.Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
6.“is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
7.Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality…
8.A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.
The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.
9.I’d tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.
10.I prefer IP jokes; it’s all in the delivery.
11.I could tell you a joke about TCP, but I’d have to keep repeating it until you got it.
12.Two fermions walk into a bar. The first says “I’d like a vodka martini with a twist.” The second says “Dammit, that’s what I wanted!”
13.Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
14.Two women walk into a bar, and talk about the Bechdel test.
15.Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?
Nobody!
16.A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.
The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.
Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.
At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!”, and heads back into his room.
17.Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
18.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
19.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ‘em!”
20.
there are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets
21.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure
22.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.
23.
Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
24.
The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
25.
A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl” ?
The logician replies: “yes”.
and 25 more....
Here is a reading of it, that I listen to once in awhile:
