Joke thread
- Thread starter Purple-Days
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Robert-in-YEG
Well-Known Member
An Irish Girl Comes Home.....
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
Robert-in-YEG
Well-Known Member
Two naked statues were brought to life
There were two statues standing in the park.
One of a naked man, and one of a naked women.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.
One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most"
The male statue looks longingly at his female statue companion.
The female statue returns his lustful gaze.
They go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return , out of breath and laughing.
The angel looks at it's watch, "Umm, you have fifteen minutes left....would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh yes, lets! But we should change the positions,..."
"This time , I'll hold the pigeon down, and you crap on it's head!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep
There were two statues standing in the park.
One of a naked man, and one of a naked women.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.
One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most"
The male statue looks longingly at his female statue companion.
The female statue returns his lustful gaze.
They go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return , out of breath and laughing.
The angel looks at it's watch, "Umm, you have fifteen minutes left....would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh yes, lets! But we should change the positions,..."
"This time , I'll hold the pigeon down, and you crap on it's head!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep
Robert-in-YEG
Well-Known Member
George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.
"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.
"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"
"That sound interesting," says George. "I'm willing to try it."
A month later, they meet at the gym again. During their shower, George shows Ted that his penis has actually shrunk and is now two inches long.
"I don't understand," he says. "I've been very careful to masturbate once every day, and I even started doing it twice on Tuesdays and thrice on Thursdays."
"Did you use butter like I told you?"
"Actually, I was out of butter when you told me your method, so I used Crisco instead. I liked it so much I used it as a lubricant ever since."
Ted shakes his head. "You idiot. Crisco is shortening."
"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.
"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"
"That sound interesting," says George. "I'm willing to try it."
A month later, they meet at the gym again. During their shower, George shows Ted that his penis has actually shrunk and is now two inches long.
"I don't understand," he says. "I've been very careful to masturbate once every day, and I even started doing it twice on Tuesdays and thrice on Thursdays."
"Did you use butter like I told you?"
"Actually, I was out of butter when you told me your method, so I used Crisco instead. I liked it so much I used it as a lubricant ever since."
Ted shakes his head. "You idiot. Crisco is shortening."
Robert-in-YEG
Well-Known Member
An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.
His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.
On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.
"What is this?" he asks.
"Don't ask me what this is, ask me who this! This is Vladimir Lenin, the great hero that fought for the rights of the people in our country, and I'm bringing him with me to remind myself to continue that battle in America!"
The guard lets him through, and he is able to go on the plane to America. Once he arrives, the American border guard goes through his luggage and finds the bust of Lenin.
"What is this?" he asks.
"Don't ask me what this is, ask me who this! This is Vladimir Lenin, the fiendish monster who destroyed my beautiful homeland! I am bringing him with me to remind myself the the mistakes of the past."
The guard lets him through, and he is able to go into the country, where he takes a taxi to the house his wife and son are staying. After reuniting with them, the son sees the bust of Lenin, and asks, "Papa, who is this?"
The man smiles and says, "my son, don't ask me who this is, ask me what this! This, my son, is 18 pounds of gold!"
His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.
On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.
"What is this?" he asks.
"Don't ask me what this is, ask me who this! This is Vladimir Lenin, the great hero that fought for the rights of the people in our country, and I'm bringing him with me to remind myself to continue that battle in America!"
The guard lets him through, and he is able to go on the plane to America. Once he arrives, the American border guard goes through his luggage and finds the bust of Lenin.
"What is this?" he asks.
"Don't ask me what this is, ask me who this! This is Vladimir Lenin, the fiendish monster who destroyed my beautiful homeland! I am bringing him with me to remind myself the the mistakes of the past."
The guard lets him through, and he is able to go into the country, where he takes a taxi to the house his wife and son are staying. After reuniting with them, the son sees the bust of Lenin, and asks, "Papa, who is this?"
The man smiles and says, "my son, don't ask me who this is, ask me what this! This, my son, is 18 pounds of gold!"
Robert-in-YEG
Well-Known Member
A man gets arrested for creeping this lady out on a bus., but his explanation is perfect.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.' 'CASE DISMISSED!!
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.' 'CASE DISMISSED!!
vapviking
Old & In the Way
Ryan and Bridgette are newlyweds and had just returned from the wedding all excited about consummating the marriage. But Bridgette was apprehensive and timid - she had never before even seen a man's privates.
So, Ryan suggested that she go get in bed and he would stay outside of the room, then he would show her his manhood just a bit at a time through a partially open door. Bridgette liked this idea and went off to bed.
Presently, the door opened a crack and a small bit of Ryan poked into the room. Bridgette was unsure, not yet comfortable.
Ryan asked, "Shall I show you just a little more, Bridgette?"
Bridgette agreed, and he showed just a bit more. Bridgette was now intrigued, but very innocent and shy about this, so Ryan suggested showing her just another couple of inches.
Now, Bridgette was getting more than a little curious, as Ryan is really projecting into the room. She tells him to be gentle, and that he may come into the bedroom.
"Okay, Bridgette, I'll be coming upstairs now!"
So, Ryan suggested that she go get in bed and he would stay outside of the room, then he would show her his manhood just a bit at a time through a partially open door. Bridgette liked this idea and went off to bed.
Presently, the door opened a crack and a small bit of Ryan poked into the room. Bridgette was unsure, not yet comfortable.
Ryan asked, "Shall I show you just a little more, Bridgette?"
Bridgette agreed, and he showed just a bit more. Bridgette was now intrigued, but very innocent and shy about this, so Ryan suggested showing her just another couple of inches.
Now, Bridgette was getting more than a little curious, as Ryan is really projecting into the room. She tells him to be gentle, and that he may come into the bedroom.
"Okay, Bridgette, I'll be coming upstairs now!"
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Robert-in-YEG
Well-Known Member
An elderly woman goes to the doctor for a check up.........
The old woman enters the doctors room and the doctor asks her to sit on the table so he can examine her. He starts by testing her reflexes.
The doctor takes out his reflex hammer and taps on one knee. The elderly woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. Concerned the doctor hits the other knee, once again the woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. He asks the patient "Do you have any difficulty walking?" The elderly woman says she indeed does. The doctor tries again and again and again to get a reflex out of the old woman's knees but each time she only gasps.
The doctor, concerned and analyzing the situation asks the old woman if she's feeling any pain or discomfort in her knees and she replies "No Doc, but can you stop with the hammer?! My tits are killing me!"
The old woman enters the doctors room and the doctor asks her to sit on the table so he can examine her. He starts by testing her reflexes.
The doctor takes out his reflex hammer and taps on one knee. The elderly woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. Concerned the doctor hits the other knee, once again the woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. He asks the patient "Do you have any difficulty walking?" The elderly woman says she indeed does. The doctor tries again and again and again to get a reflex out of the old woman's knees but each time she only gasps.
The doctor, concerned and analyzing the situation asks the old woman if she's feeling any pain or discomfort in her knees and she replies "No Doc, but can you stop with the hammer?! My tits are killing me!"
You know he is a terrible postmaster because you know his name.
Can you remember any other postmaster's name?
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How do trees access the internet?
They log in.
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Can you remember any other postmaster's name?
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How do trees access the internet?
They log in.
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His_Highness
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
*----------------------------------*
An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"
*----------------------------------*
So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,"Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
Of course, her children were at least two years apart, and while they did share similar features, they certainly didn't look like each other.
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
*----------------------------------*
An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"
*----------------------------------*
So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,"Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
Of course, her children were at least two years apart, and while they did share similar features, they certainly didn't look like each other.
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."
