Joke thread
- Thread starter Purple-Days
- Start date
His_Highness
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
Ramahs
Fucking Combustion (mostly) Since February 2017
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
His_Highness
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
Now I understand why he was always begging for someone to be his neighbor.......
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
grampa_herb
Epstein didn't kill himself
“I learned how to improve my memory!”
How?
“I don’t remember what it’s called, but 60% of the time, it works every time!”
How?
“I don’t remember what it’s called, but 60% of the time, it works every time!”
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
I went with what I thought the least triggering too.
Based on the Washington Post's changing from:
to:
Others have joined the bandwagon too:
https://twitter.com/search?q=#WaPoD...doD2QCQWeVgugYRFNrCehjQuCk_JTt1tqGf4ohJCZZhE8
Some other similar-type obituaries #WaPoDeathNotices
-Adolf Hitler, dedicated art enthusiast, animal rights activist, and talented orator, dies at 56.
-Jeffrey Dahmer, connoisseur of exotic and locally sourced meats, dies at 34.
-Gaius Julius Caesar, 56, noted author and Egyptologist, dies surrounded by his friends.
-Hannibal Lecter, well-known forensic psychiatrist and food connoisseur dead at 81.
-"Thanos, a passionate advocate of population controls to save Earth, dies at over 1,000 years"
-John Wilkes Booth a noted Thespian, American actor and member of a prominent theatrical family dead at 26.
Based on the Washington Post's changing from:
to:
Others have joined the bandwagon too:
https://twitter.com/search?q=#WaPoD...doD2QCQWeVgugYRFNrCehjQuCk_JTt1tqGf4ohJCZZhE8
Some other similar-type obituaries #WaPoDeathNotices
-Adolf Hitler, dedicated art enthusiast, animal rights activist, and talented orator, dies at 56.
-Jeffrey Dahmer, connoisseur of exotic and locally sourced meats, dies at 34.
-Gaius Julius Caesar, 56, noted author and Egyptologist, dies surrounded by his friends.
-Hannibal Lecter, well-known forensic psychiatrist and food connoisseur dead at 81.
-"Thanos, a passionate advocate of population controls to save Earth, dies at over 1,000 years"
-John Wilkes Booth a noted Thespian, American actor and member of a prominent theatrical family dead at 26.
grampa_herb
Epstein didn't kill himself
Darth Vader, disabled single father of two, passes away.
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-claims-he-personally-pushed-al-baghdadi-off-nakatomi-plaza
Trump Claims He Personally Pushed Al-Baghdadi Off Nakatomi Plaza
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference about the death of Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, President Trump claimed he personally stopped the terrorist from taking over Nakatomi Plaza and pushed him off the top of the Los Angeles tower, ending in his death.
"These terrorists came in and started shooting while we were having this party, and I took action, crawling into the ventilation ducts," Trump said. "I had to walk across this broken glass while I was firing at them, but I toughed it out."
The president said the terrorists, led by Al-Baghdadi, were attempting to steal $640 million from the building's vault. "Not on my watch," he said. "I had to make sure the terrorist scum died like a dog."
Trump says he's thinking about releasing the footage, which clearly shows him killing one of the ISIS members and then sending a grisly message to the terrorists via a dead body: "Now I have a machine gun. Not good! Sad!" Finally, in a climactic scene, the terrorist is trying to hang on for dear life, holding onto Melania Trump's wrist. But Trump takes off her watch and sends Al-Baghdadi to his doom.
"It was sad to lose that watch. A very nice watch! But America was more important."
In the footage, Trump is also allegedly heard clearly yelling, "Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mister Falcon!"
[For a video from Jimmy Kimmel that's funny, see:]
Trump Claims He Personally Pushed Al-Baghdadi Off Nakatomi Plaza
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference about the death of Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, President Trump claimed he personally stopped the terrorist from taking over Nakatomi Plaza and pushed him off the top of the Los Angeles tower, ending in his death.
"These terrorists came in and started shooting while we were having this party, and I took action, crawling into the ventilation ducts," Trump said. "I had to walk across this broken glass while I was firing at them, but I toughed it out."
The president said the terrorists, led by Al-Baghdadi, were attempting to steal $640 million from the building's vault. "Not on my watch," he said. "I had to make sure the terrorist scum died like a dog."
Trump says he's thinking about releasing the footage, which clearly shows him killing one of the ISIS members and then sending a grisly message to the terrorists via a dead body: "Now I have a machine gun. Not good! Sad!" Finally, in a climactic scene, the terrorist is trying to hang on for dear life, holding onto Melania Trump's wrist. But Trump takes off her watch and sends Al-Baghdadi to his doom.
"It was sad to lose that watch. A very nice watch! But America was more important."
In the footage, Trump is also allegedly heard clearly yelling, "Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mister Falcon!"
[For a video from Jimmy Kimmel that's funny, see:]