Joke thread
- Thread starter Purple-Days
- Start date
grampa_herb
Epstein didn't kill himself
Do you know why a mohel charges so little for a circumcision? He keeps the tip.
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
His_Highness
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
Why did Monica Lewinsky vote for Trump? The last time she voted for a Clinton it left a bad taste in her mouth.
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
A London lawyer gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!
Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Got one that's personal! This really happened and I didn't even get thrown out of the Library... was only answered by the entire place laughing!
So, I just converted from Blackberry to Android.
Then I discovered "OK Google....", where you verbally command Google to do something for you.
You may think this lazy, but I really miss the physical keyboard of my blackberry, so I verbalize everything I can... Text messages, emails, forum updates (Yeah, I know I've been MIA for a long time now...) and traffic.
I thought I was talking quite quietly when I said "OK Google, how's the weather?". I was wearing a headset at the time, so thought this would be a private conversation between me and my phone... Also, wanted to ensure it wasn't raining before packing up everyone and driving home.
Can you imagine my horror/shock/surprise when not only my phone, but multitudes of other phones responded back in their own special way?
I sat, jaw-dropped, waiting to have tomatoes thrown at me. Instead, the whole place just started laughing.
Regardless, the end result was the same...
So, I just converted from Blackberry to Android.
Then I discovered "OK Google....", where you verbally command Google to do something for you.
You may think this lazy, but I really miss the physical keyboard of my blackberry, so I verbalize everything I can... Text messages, emails, forum updates (Yeah, I know I've been MIA for a long time now...) and traffic.
I thought I was talking quite quietly when I said "OK Google, how's the weather?". I was wearing a headset at the time, so thought this would be a private conversation between me and my phone... Also, wanted to ensure it wasn't raining before packing up everyone and driving home.
Can you imagine my horror/shock/surprise when not only my phone, but multitudes of other phones responded back in their own special way?
I sat, jaw-dropped, waiting to have tomatoes thrown at me. Instead, the whole place just started laughing.
Regardless, the end result was the same...
Thanks @Summer , am well and currently trying to figure out how to have a few hours added to each day so I can catch up on things! Hope you are doing well!Nice to see you back @DDave! Hope all is well with you.
Never really left, but no time to be very active. However, if I'm ever needed, just @DDave and I'll be here!
(Kinda like the bat signal, but without the cool spotlight and costume... Oh, and that car!)
And I sincerely thank you for your post as it also allows me to reply to macbill's post! Otherwise I'd be tempted to "back to back" post!
@macbill
Summer
Long Island, NY
Glad to see you haven't lost your vivid imagination!
So this is all I mean to you -- the ability to reply to macbill without incurring a back-to-back post? Just a means-to-an-end. I'm wounded.
@Summer I do hope this post was made in jest! For out of all those I've befriended, advised, and served... there was but one who welcomed me back and wished me well.So this is all I mean to you -- the ability to reply to macbill without incurring a back-to-back post? Just a means-to-an-end. I'm wounded.
Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about waiting for Summer to shine through and chase those clouds away. -- DDave
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Mandatory Joke so @Stu doesn't whip me for straying off the path of the thread....
Q: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu? A: Tokemon!
Summer
Long Island, NY
Well, truth-be-told, you only posted 2 hours ago. I'm certain there are many who wish to welcome you back. I was just in the right place & the right time to be the 1st to do so.
Marlon Rando
Well-Known Member
what did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?
if we stick together, we can stop this shit.
if we stick together, we can stop this shit.
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
Ramahs
Fucking Combustion (mostly) Since February 2017
For some reason that...reminded me of the joke from this scene in a hilarious movie I haven't seen in many years.
I'm just going to leave this right here and walk away...
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years.
One day a vape wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The vape wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and i'll shit on it."
One day a vape wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The vape wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and i'll shit on it."
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
