Joke thread
- Thread starter Purple-Days
- Start date
His_Highness
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
GreenHopper
20 going on 60
Someone asked an old man: "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife darling, honey, luv. What's the secret?"
Old man: "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."
Old man: "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."
His_Highness
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
I friend of mine who has been divorced 4 times made a graph of his past relationships.
It has an "Ex" axis and a "Why" axis.
It has an "Ex" axis and a "Why" axis.
stoneleopard
Well-Known Member
Why did the math textbook fail its English exam?
It had word problems.
It had word problems.
stoneleopard
Well-Known Member
Should that be "read" all over? Or is this a commentary on how bloody the news has been of late?
Diggy Smalls
Notorious
Old Tom Woodchuck was walking over to Billy Bob Tomcat's house when he saw some blinking lights and heard some music coming from Tomcat's barn!
Well, that got Tom curious. So he got close and quietly peaked in. Billy Bob Tomcat was in his undies and gyrating around a tractor with some love makin music playin loud.
"What in the sam hill is you doin?" Woodchuck yelled as he threw the barn door open.
Billy Bob stopped dancing and looked rightfully embarrassed.
"This was supposed to save my marriage!" Billy Bob Tomcat whined.
"What?! How would any of this get you and Edna talkin again?" Old Tom Woodchuck yelled.
"My therapist told me to dance sexy to a tractor if I wanted to save my marriage!"
Well, that got Tom curious. So he got close and quietly peaked in. Billy Bob Tomcat was in his undies and gyrating around a tractor with some love makin music playin loud.
"What in the sam hill is you doin?" Woodchuck yelled as he threw the barn door open.
Billy Bob stopped dancing and looked rightfully embarrassed.
"This was supposed to save my marriage!" Billy Bob Tomcat whined.
"What?! How would any of this get you and Edna talkin again?" Old Tom Woodchuck yelled.
"My therapist told me to dance sexy to a tractor if I wanted to save my marriage!"
GreenHopper
20 going on 60
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic. The beer was excellent. And the food was exceptional. But they were still a bit homesick...
“Ach,” said the Scotsman. “I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you.”
Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, that's nuthin,’” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there's Ryan’s Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink. Then another, all the drinks you like. When you’ve had enough to drink they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!”
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman”s claims, but he swears that every word is true.
“Well,” said the Englishman, “Did this actually happen to you?”
“Not myself personally - no,” replied the Irishman, “But it did happen to my sister."
Dynalowrider
Well-Known Member
Guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and sits down at the bar.
Bartender says "What will you have?" "I'll take a beer, the monkey will have a shot."
Bartender sets them on the bar. Monkey jumps down, gulps the shot, looks up and down the bar. Sees a woman put her cigarette in her ash tray. Monkey runs over and piss on the cigarette, and puts it out.
Bartender "Hey, he can't be bothering my customers." Guy said "Sorry I'll pay for anything he brakes."
About that time, the monkey jumps over on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole.
Bartender "Now thats gonna cost you." Guy throws a twenty on the bar, scoops up the monkey and out the door. Couple weeks later the guy comes back in the bar with the monkey.
Bartender "We're not going to have any trouble with that monkey are we?" Guy "No."
Bartender sets up a beer and a shot. Monkey downs the shot, looks up and down the bar. He sees this lady with a maraschino cherry in her drink. Monkey grabs it and sticks it up it's ass, pulls it out and eats it.
Bartender "Did you see that? How disgusting."
Guy "Well ever since the cue-ball incident, he tries things on for size now."
Bartender says "What will you have?" "I'll take a beer, the monkey will have a shot."
Bartender sets them on the bar. Monkey jumps down, gulps the shot, looks up and down the bar. Sees a woman put her cigarette in her ash tray. Monkey runs over and piss on the cigarette, and puts it out.
Bartender "Hey, he can't be bothering my customers." Guy said "Sorry I'll pay for anything he brakes."
About that time, the monkey jumps over on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole.
Bartender "Now thats gonna cost you." Guy throws a twenty on the bar, scoops up the monkey and out the door. Couple weeks later the guy comes back in the bar with the monkey.
Bartender "We're not going to have any trouble with that monkey are we?" Guy "No."
Bartender sets up a beer and a shot. Monkey downs the shot, looks up and down the bar. He sees this lady with a maraschino cherry in her drink. Monkey grabs it and sticks it up it's ass, pulls it out and eats it.
Bartender "Did you see that? How disgusting."
Guy "Well ever since the cue-ball incident, he tries things on for size now."
Dynalowrider
Well-Known Member
Traveling salesman driving down a back road, stops to eat his lunch under a shade tree. He looks down the road to see a farmer leading something. As it gets closer he realizes it's a pig with a wooden leg. He stops the farmer, "That's the funnest thing I ever saw. How did that pig get a wooden leg?"
Farmer Tells how he had the pig since it was a shoat. The pig would round up the cows at milking time and put them in the barn. The pig would meet the mailman, and bring the mail in. The pig even woke everyone up when they had a fire, and saved everyone's life.
Salesman says "That is all well and good, but how did that pig get a wooden leg?"
Farmer looked him right in the eye and said, "Well you know a pig that valuable, you don't want to eat him all at once."
Farmer Tells how he had the pig since it was a shoat. The pig would round up the cows at milking time and put them in the barn. The pig would meet the mailman, and bring the mail in. The pig even woke everyone up when they had a fire, and saved everyone's life.
Salesman says "That is all well and good, but how did that pig get a wooden leg?"
Farmer looked him right in the eye and said, "Well you know a pig that valuable, you don't want to eat him all at once."
Dynalowrider
Well-Known Member
The CDC has released a warning for the expected outbreak of a *STD in 2020. No matter which side of the political fence you are on, this could be catastrophic to all those involved. Please heed these warnings with due caution. This *STD is known as Gonorrhea Lectim. This disease will run rampant in the South and Midwest parts of the country. In 2020 please take note of the last four years of “Tweets”, to realize how insidious this disease is.
*STD “Stupid Trump Disease”
*STD “Stupid Trump Disease”
SSVUN~YAH
You Must Unlearn, What You Have Learned...
Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.
True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.
“Benny…Benny…”
“My gosh… Is that you, Dan?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times… then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”.
“Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!”
“What heaven? I’m a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.”
After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.
True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.
“Benny…Benny…”
“My gosh… Is that you, Dan?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times… then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”.
“Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!”
“What heaven? I’m a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.”
His_Highness
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US Leader.
One US Leader.
Tranquility
Well-Known Member
A traveler was hiking through Scotland when it started to rain. He walked into the local pub to stay warm and dry. The only other person at the bar was an older Scotsman staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the hiker and says in a thick Scottish accent:
"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."
He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."
"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."
"But ya fuck one goat.."
"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."
He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."
"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."
"But ya fuck one goat.."
Abysmal Vapor
Supersniffer 2000 - robot fart detection device
Robocop went to prison cause he was proven to be a dirty cop. While washing off at the showers he dropped his soap. After bending over to pick it up a message appeared on his screen : Found new hardware . 
Diggy Smalls
Notorious
What's an Octopus' favorite song? I wanna hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten tickles
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten tickles