Joke thread

Relaxed

This Space For Rent
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 60th birthday. She spends $15,000 andfeels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 60," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks
the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 60."

Now she's feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting
next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when
I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets
the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel
around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay,
okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands,
and says, "Madam, you are 60."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
 

macbill

El Viejo Mas Con Toda la Pata
Staff member
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vapviking

Old and In the Way
Mr. Smith and Mrs. Jones live at the old folks' home and one day, Mrs. Jones says, "Mr. Smith, I can guess your age."
Mr. Smith, completely skeptical, says, "I doubt that, many cannot guess my correct age."
Mrs. Jones says, "If you let me reach into your pants I can tell with complete accuracy what your age is."

Mr. Smith is surprised but has nothing to lose and so he tells her to go ahead and check him out. She reaches right down his pants and feels all around down there for a minute or so, then declares, "Mr. Smith, you are 94 years old!"

"That's remarkable," declares a shocked Mr. Smith, "how did you do that?"
"Mr. Jones, you told me yesterday..."
 

vapviking

Old and In the Way
Mr. Smith and Mrs. Jones live at the old folks' home and one day, Mrs. Jones says, "Mr. Smith, I can guess your age."
Mr. Smith, completely skeptical, says, "I doubt that, many cannot guess my correct age."
Mrs. Jones says, "If you let me reach into your pants I can tell with complete accuracy what your age is."

Mr. Smith is surprised but has nothing to lose and so he tells her to go ahead and check him out. She reaches right down his pants and feels all around down there for a minute or so, then declares, "Mr. Smith, you are 94 years old!"

"That's remarkable," declares a shocked Mr. Smith, "how did you do that?"
"Mr. Jones, you told me yesterday..."
Hey, way to blow the punchline, you klutz!
Note to self, remember,
"Mr. Smith, you told me yesterday..."
 

vapviking

Old and In the Way
A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testicles.”

The man was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He thought for a while, but decided he had no choice but to go through with it.
Afterwards, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he still felt sad that he was missing a part of himself. As he walked down the street he saw a men’s clothing store and thought he needed a new suit.

An elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said: “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long”.
The man replied: “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the salesman said.
The man tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. The tailor asked: “How about a new shirt?” The man nodded his head.
“Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve,” the salesman said. The man was surprised again that the shirt fit perfectly as well.

The salesman then asked: “How about new underwear?” The man nodded again.
The salesman stepped back, eyed the man’s waist and said: “Let’s see, size 36.”
The man laughed and replied: “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18-years-old.”

The tailor shook his head and answered: “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
 
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