Disability Denial vs Cannabis Psychosis

[1DMF]

This is a personal question to those who may medicate a disability rather than simply pain relief.

Those here that know me, are aware I self medicate a disability (Dyspraxia), I have done so since I was 18.

I didn't know it at the time, I just found MJ and realised quickly how it stopped me feeling / helped with my anger, anxiety, frustration and a whole host of other symptoms, that are alleviated when I partake in gods green medicine.

I wasn't diagnosed with my disability till I was 39! - Now I know why I was drawn to MJ and why I now know that it really is MMJ for me, no excuses, no let's pretend just to get stoned, I don't even really get stoned (like party and crap) any more, I just vape to keep sane, thanks to FC!

However, I am getting very upset with my Mother who appears to still be in denial and sending me letters telling me I should stop saying I'm disabled, (like only visible disabilities count) - I have the official certificate to prove my disability from a specialist expert that is official for the Open University to accept for dispensation, it cost me a lot of money to obtain, from only a handful of authorised and qualified experts who are allowed and recognised to make this type of diagnoses.

So why is my Mum still in denial? I know she may have demons to contend with as technically she was a disable child abuser (as was all my schools and teachers), I was always being punished for being a naughty child my entire life, instead of given the support, nurturing and understanding of a disable child who needed help.

I can come to terms with this, it is what it is, it's happened, no-one knew, nothing can be done about the past, but what hurts me more now is the continued denial, discrimination and lack of understanding now I have been diagnosed!

She sends me letters talking about she knows people who don't know their left from their right?

Huh? I know my left from right, perhaps that's how it affects some, but that's not a symptom of the disability that effect me? She's read a few web pages and come to her own conclusions, and basically hasn't got a clue what she is talking about.

Now she has sent me another letter saying I simply need anger management counseling and it's probably the dope causing psychosis as cannabis psychosis symptoms she's read are just like dyspraxia disability sufferers symptoms.

WTF!!!!!!

I know I have this disability, the diagnosis is real, and I didn't start taking dope till I was 18, yet had all the symptoms and issues though out my childhood that are exactly how dyspraxia sufferers are affected.

Obviously there are varying degrees of any disability, not all autism is the same, or Asperger's etc.. it's also related to intelligence and apparently I have a high IQ, which I think balances out some of the symptoms, but creates others, it's all linked as it's a brain disorder / neural pathway disability. If you want to be brutal you could say I'm 'brain damaged' - but that's a simplistic , vulgar term to use!

I don't understand what my Mum is trying to achieve and I am so close to telling her to "Fuck off, eat shit and die", because I have enough stress on my plate currently what with my new son, the insurance issues and general daily disability symptoms that effect me all day, every day, till the day I die!

I'm nearly out of weed too! (but that's another issue!)

I know this is a long post, and a personal expose to the FC community, but I am close to tears, it's my mum, of course I don't really want to say that to her, she's also dying of Cancer, so no need to wish the inevitable comes any quicker.

But how do I deal with this, what do I say, my wife say's just ignore her.

Or is there any possibility everyone else is wrong she's right and I'm just a dumb ass cannabis Psychosis dope head with anger management issues?

I gave up dope for 9 months before giving up smoking, the disability didn't suddenly go away!

I already have counseling booked (for stress - not anger!) - though I do get angry when stressed, so it's sometimes hard to separate them!

Perhaps the FC community can give me advice, guidance or just some love, as I'm feeling real low currently and don't even have family to turn to for support!

Sorry for the laborious long post, and thank you for listening.

Edit : http://www.mentalhealth.com/home/dx/cannabisdependence.html

Maybe I'm Cannabis Schizophrenic - and only one of my personalities has the disability

 

[killick]

@1DMF - I feel your pain. One single persons opinion shouldn't hold do much space in your head. As a person who has a much smaller family now than he did 40 years ago - who is in your family is your choice.

 

[lookhigh]

Your mother does not understand cannabis.
She is bullying you into what she believes in.
Cancer patients are not rational and are on prescription drugs.

 

[Amoreena]

... my wife say's just ignore her.

Or is there any possibility everyone else is wrong she's right and I'm just a dumb ass cannabis Psychosis dope head with anger management issues? ...

I agree with your wife. IMO, there is no possibility that everyone else is wrong and your mother is correct.

 

[Justpassedu]

I agree with the wife also to some extant. Your mother seems like she should be trying cannabis also. I would just tell her you stopped doing it , some people are set in there ways and at a certain age they don't like to change what they believe in. Me personally being pretty hard headed I prob would not give in if I was in this situation but being your mother has cancer it may be nice to let her believe you have stopped instead of battling it out and trying to change her mind. I really don't know how close you guys are and how severe her cancer is and how long she may have left on this earth. I would try and make my mother happy but would not stop , just know you are correct in this situation and nothing is wrong in what you are doing.

 

[phattpiggie]

Sorry to hear about any and all of the shit you are going thru 1D.
I have to agree with @Amoreena and @Justpassedu Placate your Mother.
If she starts then agree with her and tell her 'little white lies'. If she hasn't got long left then, myself, I would make her life easier. Let her go to her grave happy. She also has a lot of things on her plate.
I know lying is never a good thing but if it makes her life a little less stressful then why not. It should also make your relationship better with her.
Having lost my Father to cancer there are a lot of things I wish I had said before he went. I now have an ailing Mother and I try and spend as much time as I can with her. She has no need to know about the things in my life that she may not like.
The other thing to remember is your Mother has no real understanding of how things have changed. Her generation would never have come across the things we have.
Don't let her go to her grave with you two at each other.

 

[CarolKing]

Your mother doesn't understand cannabis or your illness. I wouldn't discuss either with her. She probably is feeling that she is blamed for not understanding what you were going through for so long.

If your mother was abusive then sometimes it's hard to carry on with a healthy relationship.

Since you have a new son you wouldn't want to jeopardize any positive relationship he might be able to have with his grandmother. If your mom isn't a good influence maybe you don't want your child around her.

Many people are prejudice far as cannabis is concerned and your mom might be one. They think cannabis us fine for someone that is going to die of cancer but that's it.

I don't know your mom. My mom died 2 years ago, I miss her so much.

I was lucky enough to have a wonderful relationship with my mom. I never told her I used cannabis because she wouldn't have understood. She was from a different generation, she lived to be 91.

So sorry for all your aggrivation - enjoy that baby. I hope you are getting enough sleep.

Lack of sleep can also make us irritable and less tolerant of others.

 

[HomeFree]

Try not to let it bother you. I am sure your mother cares about you a whole lot.

If you don't live with her it is none of her business if you use cannabis and you don't have to say anything. My mom honestly thought it was the devil's weed. But over the years she has learned to not worry about it, but it helps two of her siblings have used it for 40+ years now and a lot of her friends opened up about it as well, and she finally noticed how many people use it who have no problems as a result of their (often heavy) usage.

Keep your chin up.

 

[herbivore21]

Holy shit that 'mental health' website saying that cannabis is often cut with other hallucinogens is fucking batty. It describes in almost every way the opposite person to who I am - and I am a 10+ year long heavy to moderate daily cannabis user.

They argue cannabis users are necessarily imparied in many ways and if denying it, are simply manifesting another 'symptom'. Sounds like a self-sealing argument to me and hence something to be very skeptical of.

Man as tough as it may be, I would in your position be firm but polite with your mother. I would respectfully tell her that you and she have a difference of opinion and that she is entitled to disagree, but that you do not have to put up with constant and intrusive harassment and discrimination from her.

If she cannot give you the dignity of deciding for yourself what you do with your conditions, she is being rude in the extreme and if I were faced with such treatment, would simply cut the perpetrator off socially, mother, father, whoever. Mutual respect and courtesy are essential in all relationships, no matter whether you are blood related or not. Anything short of these criteria is a deal-breaker and relationship ender.

I would tell her that you are not going to listen to what she has to say on these topics any longer and if she persists with her unwanted commentary on your usage and her disability denial to you, that you will just stop reading her letters. Obviously she is sick and you would hate to cut off contact, as anyone would, so let her know that you would be loathe to do this but that left with no choice, it is the only way for you to achieve a modicum of piece. That kind of abuse is not going to help you with your symptoms and day to day life!

This is your life, you're a grown man and especially disability denial of a known developmental/cognitive disorder is just fucking nasty and unacceptable, doesn't matter who says it. Most chronic illnesses, including mental/developmental conditions are legally recognized disabilities in your country and others.

Of course man, it is your decision what to do and this is only what I would do with limited knowledge of your situation, I am glad if any of this is helpful to you but understand if other factors complicate things etc.

 

[HomeFree]

I have gone the direction of basically disowning my parents, but I lost about 4 years with them. After that they minded their own business though. If you live on your own sustaining yourself and are an adult you make your own rules and she does need to know that, like herbivore said. Your mom is likely not trying to bash you purposely even if it seems like it, she is probably worried about you due to not understanding about it and not having an open mind.

 

[little maggie]

They didn't have that diagnosis when I was growing up but I just looked it up and I do meet all the criteria. (Explains why I have had so much trouble with some of the popular vapes like the vapman) I tend to think of myself as NLD which they also didn't have when I was growing up and given my age none of those labels really matter.
My question to you is: why do you think your mother has such strong opposition to you having this diagnosis? If you had motor problems growing up, it certainly wasn't invisible.
Ultimately, you need to decide what fits you and what to do about it. If you're waiting for your mother to agree with or approve of your diagnosis you'll wait a long time.

 

[1DMF]

Wow - thank you, varied and insightful replies as I had hoped from the FC community.

I know some might say it's like asking a thief if it's OK to steal, but the cannabis really isn't the crux of the issue here IMO, and actually that's what I like about this community, no genuine soul in this community would actively suggest people take dope for the hell of it, this is NOT a party, rave narcotics site, and that's what make FC so special! Hey a lot of us may have partied hard in our youth and sucked the life out of bongs, buckets, lungs, pipes, blowbacks.... I think most of us have grown up now!

She smoked all her life (fags), and still does, I smoked MJ for 25+ years and she has smoked joints with me. If I hadn't mentioned to her my disability diagnoses, I'm not sure she would even have mentioned the pot, I've even arranged for her to get CBD Oil , as she hates the feeling of being stoned.

Let me explain, that so far she say's she is in remission, but it's her nerve damage neck pain that is driving her insane, she's had a failed operation to open the vertebrae in her neck, which could have paralysed her, the op was successful in its procedure, but not in the effect. She is in constant pain, to the point of saying if the Cancer comes back, she won't be taking any more Chemo, instead please take her to Dignitas!

The other problem was the Chemo contained a nerve agent, which attacked the bolts in her neck from the op, and made things worse, so again, further Chemo would be refused. That's why I desperately sourced some CBD oil, because it can't hurt right?

My mum has visited me twice in 11 years, once on our wedding day (we had the reception at home in the back garden), and once a few weeks ago to see her grandson. It's too painful for her to travel apparently, but seems to gallivant about to see other people (we live 130 miles apart - considered quite far for UK).

What she refuses to accept is me being disabled, and did people tell her during my child hood there were problems... yes.. as did I, complain of many of the symptoms...

Teacher - he can't use scissor properly.
Mum - Rubbish - he can take my stereo apart with a screw driver

Teacher - he can't write properly or tie his shoe laces
Mum - He's just lazy and wants his sister to do every thing for him (she's 3 years older)

Me - I can' see the blackboard, the words keep disappearing and bright light really hurts me and gives me a headache
Mum - Rubbish, you just look like you have some ingrowing eye lashes (took me to the doctors and had the nurse pluck them out with tweesers)

I was grounded for 6 months once for being 30 minutes late coming home for tea when I was @ 12 years old ( I also wasn't allowed any friends to visit for the first 3 months either as added punishment) 12 years old and under house arrest for 6 months! -OK it was the gazzilionth time I was late - err look up dyspraxia... I have no time perception!

I could go on.... Mum has always known best, and just perpetuated that I'm naughty, lazy and bloody minded.

As for my cannabis consumption, it's never been lower, I gave up for 9 months prior to joining FC, it was only when I tried to give up smoking that I was having withdrawal and cravings, for NICOTINE not dope.

Then I found FC, and bought a medical device so I could consume dope and not smoke, and now, I vape a couple of times in the evening and more during weekends, because I'm at home, not at work.

I don't smoke or vape before work, I don't smoke or vape during work, and I don't go crazing if I can't partake.

When I smoked I abused dope, tobacco, my lungs, those around me... I could spend up to £300-£400 a month just on dope, not including the cost of tobacco, papers, lighters etc...

Now I medicate occasionally I spend @ £50-£100 a month period - and as I get to grips with my medical device, I'm learning to reduce it even more, not to mention all the wonderful cakes I am also making with the ABV.

Taking all this into consideration, it doesn't seem to me cannabis is the evil that is destroying my life?

It's the assholes abusing me as a disabled person, that I am struggling to deal with.

The difference is before, from @ 18-28, I ran away, lived in squats, partied hard and took shit loads of drugs, and so it gave people an excuse to think / treat me a certain way.

Now I'm an IT professional, who got married, cleaned his act up, went back to university and obtained a diploma, worked hard for over a decade and provided for my wife and now after 6 years of IVF for my son.

I'm telling these asshole to fuck off I'm disabled and give me a break, and they don't seem to like it!

I guess my mum will always be in denial, because the bottom line is teachers and school tried to point out something wasn't right, they might not have known back then what it was, even Dyslexia is only now truly understood for what it is and that it exists (they are linked apparently).

Now I have officially been diagnosed, I don't think she can accept how different my life could have been if I had got the help I needed when I was 5 and that she was instrumental in stopping me being assessed and supported when I was a child.

But what is fucking me off even more, is now I'm 45 I still can't get the help and support I need and deserve!

What is also scaring me is the last time some doctor fucked with my mind and prescribed anti-depressants, I ended up driving my car through someone's house off my head, and hung myself with my own shoe-lace in a police cell.

I know what works for my mental condition, dope , thank you very much medical profession now fuck off before you give me something that kills me!

I'm currently waiting for counseling, which got cancelled and moved another month away, I have just come back to work after being signed off for a week and given Valium (I needed to switch off I had become overwhelmed with emotions I can't control because I'm disabled!)

I even said to the doctor, you could rudely call me 'emotionally retarded' - he offered me even more time off work, but how does that help?

We currently have no car and the Tory MP who I thought was going to help, has simply bent me over and shafted me like everyone else. And now I'm actively trying to get my case in front of Judge Rinder, but feel although they initially replied saying they wanted to help.

Now I can't get hold of the person who contacted me, which I hope isn't because they are discriminating and running away from an angry disabled person, trying to seek help and justice.

At least FC gives me some cathartic release and I know you guys are talking from the heart and not some drudged crazed stupor - regardless of what some ignorant twat who is anti-cannabis may think.

My wife has agreed with most of you and it seems you with her, I will never have the relationship I want with either off my parents, and I have to either take them as they are or fuck them out of my life.

All I've even wanted was parents that loved me and stopped punishing me for being naughty when I wasn't and couldn't understand what I had done wrong... how , why, this continues into your 40's+ is beyond me...

"Life is pain, and anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something!"

Great words from a classic film, but it still doesn't make it any easier!

 

[kellya86]

The only way I got people to lay off about my 'dope problem' (which isn't a problem, it's a solution), was to attack their alcohol, tobacco and pharmaceutical drugs problems, but of course no one realises they have problems with these things because our government says it's OK to take them...

Anyway if any uneducated, nieve, hypocrites attempt to judge me on my actions, they will be swiftly put in their place and told how it really is, after I've ate the head off them they are usually left speechless, looking like a moron, and won't do it again...

If you was to shame your mother publicly (in front of family) for her nicotine addiction (which causes more mood swings that 'psychotic cannabis'), she may lay off about the weed,

It's the only way iv been able to get through to my narrow minded family...

I feel for you lately @1DMF , life is testing you right now, stay strong...

 

[Cuthbert J Twillie]

It's the only way iv been able to get through to my narrow minded family...

My parents were quite openminded about everything from religion, to sex.
Still I found it best when I was younger to keep "pot" as we called it then, to myself.
My dad had quite a cigarette addiction but he quit cold turkey, beyond that they lacked any chemical bad habits so shaming them (not that I believe that works) wasn't an option.

Sometimes one is best off being circumspect.
Then again for my retirement (from the criminal justice system) I did set out brownies, so (as I said to a nephew at the time) it was a bit like coming out of the closet.

 

[sativasam]

It sounds like your mum doesn't like the label 'disabled' or 'dyspraxia'. And she probably thinks its all in your head. She also doesn't like what cannabis represents. As you said she thinks if you stop the weed then your dyspraxia will go away. She'd rather you pretend that this isn't a problem and that you are using it as an excuse to get high. But clearly you say that it is a REAL problem for you.

My dad has always hated my use of cannabis.... which is funny, because he is an alcoholic! I don't pretend that drugs are harmless. But I rarely touch booze, and different courses for different horses as they say. My dad can be a horrible man and I've had to learn to not take the things he says personally as he is the one with the issues, not me.

I had a real shitty time getting through school. I was 'unteachable' and would just get expelled from every school.

At 25 i decided to get a BA. When I took my BA I paid around £200 for a dyslexia test because it had always been suggested that I was dyslexic and so I would get extra support and a laptop if that was the case. The tests showed that my mental ability was far far below my actual age, in nearly every area, apart from one (my use of language). It really makes me sound like a dumb dumb. But low and behold I was THE star student of my year; and have now been offered a place in one of the top universities in the world to continue my studies on an MA course. For me, Dyslexia is a gift, not a curse.

My brother has severe autism, so to me, my dyslexia isn't a 'real' disability in the sense that he really struggles to do basic things. And as I said I prefer to think about dyslexia as a gift. But yes if you want I can produce a piece of paper that proves I have a disability. But whats a label??? Fuck a label. Fuck a box. "I wont be defined by my disability" as they say.

Don't beat yourself up. Don't beat your mum up either! Just understand that she wants the best for you and is only trying to help.

 

[Farid]

I moved back in with my parents after a year of college, and I think that helped them understand me tremendously (and vice versa). Most people never reach the level of understanding and connection I have with my parents, and I certainly don't think it's necessary for a healthy relationship to exist.

Our relationship wasn't this good when I first came back. I was still in the mindset of being their child versus being their friend. Lots of people will never be true friends with their parents because they are not so similar, and I think that's totally ok. It's just knowing where your similarities and differences are. When I was in high school I never would have talked about cannabis with my parents. I knew they were ok with it, but I doubt they'd have been ok with their own kid using it. At the time I was self medicating for my epilepsy, but I didn't realize it. I just assumed I was a lightweight from weed and that I needed less than most people to get good effects. What I didn't realize was that I was getting the medicinal benefit from cannabis which was why I didn't need such large doses as my peers trying to get lifted.

Its funny too, cause the culture of the family has a lot to do with it. My parents are socialists. They are some of the most liberal people I have met. That said, they are relatively conservative when it comes to their personal life. For example I feel more comfortable having my friends over and having a vape session in the kitchen, than bringing a girl home when my parents are home.

Getting them to be ok with my medical condition was easier when prescribing cannabis for juvenile epilepsy started becoming a mainstream topic. It was harder for them to come to terms with me having epilepsy than it was for them to be ok with cannabis. The only aspect of cannabis which I had to educate them on was using cannabis properly as a medicine. I made sure they understood that the dose is lower, and the frequency of use is higher. At first they were a bit uncomfortable with the idea of taking cannabis daily, but when I reminded them that every other medicine is daily they understood.

The irony for me is that I have lost friends, not relatives because of my medical condition. I had a friend who would always insist I was making up my epilepsy, and that epilepsy is not a real condition. Strangely enough the kid's mother had epilepsy, so that could be why he is so weird about it. Even my muslim relatives are ok with me using cannabis to treat epilepsy, since the religious restriction is against intoxication not medication.

If anything I lost more friends from not being able to go out drinking anymore, than I lost family from my cannabis use.

 

[1DMF]

my dyslexia isn't a 'real' disability in the sense that he really struggles to do basic things.

Of course, but just because you don't have legs, doesn't mean you can't run faster and further than I can. Pistorius being a case in point!

The problem I find now is instead of people thinking I'm an asshole, I want them to know I'm not shouting at them, but instead have a disability that means I have no control over the volume of my voice.

Do you know how debilitating it is to get by in life when everyone accuses you of being angry, shouting and aggressive when you aren't! That becomes a catch 22 because then you get angry and frustrated... and when I shout, you'll know it!

If someone tells me to calm down once more I'm going to punch them... it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

How have I not ever punched someone, Simple, I light up a joint and it all goes away (OK I don't smoke anymore, I vape, but you get the idea)

I am not trying to own a disable badge, I don't want free parking (OK I do, who doesn't? - but not from a blue badge) and I don't expect to receive ESA payments!

I'm not trying to diminish others disabilities and I'm not trying to belittle anyone who has an even harder time than me. However, a little understanding, support and leeway from your own Mum would be nice, not total and utter denial!

I haven't spoken to her since, I'm taking everyone's advice and just ignoring the latest letter, though next time we speak or I go visit it might be a little awkward!

I have gotten my GP to refer me for counseling, so let's see if they can assist me with potential techniques to help with the stress and frustration.

My Boss has commented how I have calmed down considerably since I was diagnosed, as I am now conscious that I need to think twice before speaking or acting, but at the end of the day, you can't tell a turrets person to stop swearing, it's in their nature!

Edit: @Farid thanks for the input, it's nice to interact with such great individuals on this site, nothing has helped me more in the few months I've been a member, than 20 years of taking drugs and being misunderstood.

Sorry to hear about your epilepsy, it can be life destroying, I had a work colleague when I was on YTS who lost their driving license due to a fit, 2 weeks after having bought a brand new Peugeot 205 GTI on credit back in the 80's! - talk about gutted!

I also had a female friend who had a seizure while walking down the road with me, not until you see it happening, do you realise how freaky and 'REAL' the condition is.

I hope you have been seizure free for a long time and continue to do so my friend

 

[sativasam]

Of course, but just because you don't have legs, doesn't mean you can't run faster and further than I can. Pistorius being a case in point!

The problem I find now is instead of people thinking I'm an asshole, I want them to know I'm not shouting at them, but instead have a disability that means I have no control over the volume of my voice.

Do you know how debilitating it is to get by in life when everyone accuses you of being angry, shouting and aggressive when you aren't! That becomes a catch 22 because then you get angry and frustrated... and when shout, you know it!

If someone tells me to calm down once more I'm going to punch them... it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

How have I not ever punched someone, Simple, I light up a joint and it all goes away (OK I don't smoke anymore, I vape, but you get the idea)

I am not trying to own a disable badge, I don't want free parking (OK I do, who doesn't? - but not from a blue badge) and I don't expect to receive ESA payments!

I'm not trying to diminish others disabilities and I'm not trying to belittle anyone who has an even harder time than me. However, a little understanding, support and leeway from your own Mum would be nice, not total and utter denial!

Just to confirm I wasn't trying to tell you that dyspraxia isn't a real a problem. I was just trying to share my own experiences for what they are worth.

I used to wish that my brother wasn't disabled. It kind of used to eat me up inside. I told my friend this (who is black) and he explained that i should love my brother for who he is, and not want him to 'change'. There is nothing wrong with being different.

 

[Farid]

Thanks for the kind words my friend. I can relate to what you're talking about with anger and the self fulfilling prophecy. I used to be on a medication called keppra, and it is known for causing irrational anger and emotional instability. I got so tired of the "kepprage" as it's called that I decided to quit cold turkey.

Now I should preface this by saying that my epilepsy had only ever manifested itself in the form of partial seizures prior to this incident. That means when I'd have a seizure it would feel like Deja Vu followed by Jamais vu. So to me the seizures were an annoyance, but not a huge problem. Enough of a problem to want to stop them, but not enough of a problem for me to change my lifestyle and address the issue at its core. Cannabis like other medications is a patch, but epilepsy will always be exacerbated if you do not get proper sleep and if you continue drinking alcohol or using certain drugs.

So I started on Keppra when I got tried of relying on weed. I liked weed, but using it as a medication can be difficult when you're traveling or when you're not in a mmj state.

For a year I stayed on keppra. I became a horrible person. Everything was bad to me. I didn't even realize what an asshole I was. I blamed everything on my condition, and used that as an excuse rather than addressing the problem. When people would tell me I was being irrational or angry I'd just assume they had it out for me. Even if those people were people who really cared about me.

Finally I came to the conclusion that keppra was causing the problems, but I didn't know who to talk to. I was paranoid that my neurologist would not change my prescription because of my MMJ, and that he would assume I was seeking drugs. I think I assumed that because keppra is one of the few antiepileptic drugs which does not make you high. Pretty much every other AED has some inebriating property.

Instead I decided to go with my gut and stop taking the pills. That was a terrible decision. I am very hesitant to be anti pharmaceutical anymore. We as cannabis users have a tendency to demonize prescription pills because so often we are engaged in debates with people who defend prescription drugs while vilifying cannabis. In reality all medicines are beneficial, even keppra for some.

Making the decision to stop keppra without consulting a doctor landed me in the hospital for a few weeks. While the old me would use that as an excuse to vilify prescription drugs I realize that it was my poor decision making, and not the drug which put me on death's doorstep. In reality stopping any medication for epilepsy can cause withdrawral seizures. Even stopping cannabis could potentially do it.

The resulting seizure was my first and only grand mal seizure, and hopefully my last. I woke up two days later, and that's when the real problems with the medical system became apparent to me. I should have been taken off keppra immediately, but they put me back on it. Instead of addressing the issue, that keppra was not working for me, they approached the issue as an issue of me being a cannabis user which caused the seizures. They kept insisting I had taken spice, an absurd allegation considering I was a MMJ patient by then.

It wasn't until the third day in the hospital that my attending doctor told me that my cannabis use was OK, and that the issue was me stopping the keppra. Instead of just chastising me like the other doctors had, he asked me why I had stopped taking the keppra, and told me that there are lots of other drugs, and that I should not settle on one which I do not like. He's now my neurologist, and I couldn't be happier. The new medication he put me on, oxcarbazepine, is literally the opposite of keppra, and I really like it. It makes me feel... in control.

I guess the point I'm trying to get at is that being treated like you're crazy will make you angry, and will make you act crazy - that self fulfilling prophecy you were referring. In my case the keppra was partially causing the anger, but my anger that I was not being taken seriously and that I was being put back on keppra only added to it. That's where cannabis is so necessary. It destroys anger. It also makes it easy to say "fuck it I don't care what people think".

 

[1DMF]

Just to confirm I wasn't trying to tell you that dyspraxia isn't a real a problem. I was just trying to share my own experiences for what they are worth.

No need to explain or think I didn't understand your sentiment. It was a well thought out reply, that was taken on board and my heart goes to you and your brother.

In a perfect world no-one would be disabled, no-one would starve, no-one would start wars....

The list is endless... I'm sure if your brother had a choice, he may not have chosen his situation, and you are only talking from love to wish he wasn't afflicted. But I bet it doesn't stop you loving him, and being part of his life, I bet you go out of your way to help where you can and give him all the support and understanding he needs.

That's what good people do, they give dispensation, not deny and discriminate. If you watch #TheLastLeg , that's part of the point of the show, it's OK to be disabled!

Also when a disability isn't visible (or audible) how does anyone know unless you tell them?

I've seriously been considering having a badge made I can wear on my lapel that says "I'm disabled , now back off!" - is that too much?

Edit: @Farid , very insightful and yes you are right, I am scared of pharma to a point, well anti-depressants anyway!

I actually went to the doctor and asked for diazepam, which initially he was a bit shocked, but when I explained a little, he prescribed the weeks worth I wanted and offered me more.

I declined, I know the risks, I know they are seriously addictive and I know they are not a cure, I just need to switch off - which worked because I went drinking and vaping on them on the Thursday and can't remember that Thursday or Friday.. but I've been back at work a few weeks now and feel much better.

At least I'm not being consumed by my emotions, I likened it to a computer that runs MS software and hasn't been switched off in a while, it starts to act all freaky and the memory gets clogged and it stops working and the only thing to fix it is a re-boot

I needed re-booting!

So I will be open to a point if I am refereed back to the GP for other medicine, but like you, they need to understand I'm looking to medicate a disability not get high (though it is an added benefit ) - thank you for your story, I will keep this in mind when I speak with the professionals - knew I had come to the right place to ask advice

Don't get me wrong, cannabis is not the cure, it just helps and if I find pharmaceuticals that work, I'll still probably vape because I do like being stoned. - Is that so wrong?

 

[subway13029]

@Farid my son is on keppra and we have had nothing but anger problems with him. He has turned into another child at times..he hasn't had 1 seizure since but has started being bad at school..refusing to go..raging at the drop of a dime...all kinds of stuff...we changed his med and he started having petite mal and boom back on keppra..and @1DMF i totally feel you on the loud and people think you screaming...you described my life in a nutshell...I got the Willis reading what you wrote...it's very hard thing to deal with..

 

[little maggie]

This is a good discussion and I don't want to be offensive but I've been wondering how vaping helps dyspraxia. I ask because there are some strong similarities between dyspraxia and NLD and, although vaping helps me in several areas, I've never thought of it helping with my coordination problems.

 

[1DMF]

Hey @little maggie , no offense taken, you ask a very valid question, which I can answer simply, and in depth...

I've never thought of it helping with my coordination problems.

Short answer:- It doesn't, it makes it worse! (but only slightly)

Long answer:- With regard to co-ordination, I am blessed with my dyspraxia being very mild in this respect. I have no 'fine motor' control. So I cannot write properly, I have had early onset of carpel tunnel syndrome since I was 20, which I now understand is from being tortured at school, being made to write 1,000's upon 1'000's of lines for having bad hand writing, in countless detentions.

You see why I say my teachers and Mum, were disabled child abusers, torturing a child who has a disability that means they cannot write neat, for having messy handwriting.

The harder I try to write neatly the more pain I get in my wrist, the burning is unbearable. Can you imagine getting the worst writers cramp you have ever had, multiplying that by 1,000 and it starting the minute you write the first word! Yet you are punished for being lazy, told to stop complaining and given lines to write as a punishment!

It also doesn't help having an arty farty sister who excelled in art at the same school and constantly being compared to her, when I can barely write my name.

At work when the card comes round to sign for birthdays, leavers etc.. I don't sign my name, I just draw a bad looking, joint smoking smiley face. You know the insult to those who are stupid

"They're that thick, they can't even write their own name"...

How do you think it makes me feel , when sometimes I even spell my own name wrong, not that I don't know how to spell it, my dyspraxia and the way my brain works, means I miss letters, I can't draw them properly and I feel like an embarrassed moron. So rather than looking like the idiot that can't spell their own name, I draw a smiley face!

However, I am a little clumsy, I drop things on occasion, I trip over my own feet, I am a bit wobbly at times. I'm dangerous in the kitchen, especially with sharp knives, my DIY skills suck and I can't saw a piece of wood straight, or put up a level shelf, you get the idea.

This is especially enhanced when I've consumed alcohol much more than cannabis. To the point I am abused and beaten up by bouncers in pubs and clubs for being drunk when I have only had a couple, because to them I look wankered, but the truth is, it is simply allowing my 'fine motor control' disability to be enhanced, and when I try to ask WTF they think they are doing, my voice control comes into play, they then think (or use it as an excuse) that I'm being aggressive and shouting (though I am upset, who wouldn't be) and I'm beaten up even more. This happens far too often, and is very depressing and upsetting to me, especially when the police are involved and abuse me as well. (Now you see why I'm considering the badge!)

I must admit cannabis doesn't make me that much more clumsy, not like alcohol does, though it annoys me that I'm actually not an aggressive drunk, I can drink a bottle of bourbon and stay standing (beer seems to knock me over more?), I get profound and lovey dovey when drunk, but I also get wobbly and that's when I get beaten up by bouncers, it all goes 'Pete Tong' and I end up in a situation that looks like I'm simply a loud, aggressive, drunk.

No, I'm a friendly, sober(ish) disabled guy just having a drink with his mates you arseholes!

So does the long answer help you?

I use cannabis for mild pain relief, stress, anxiety, anger, frustration, sleep - my mind is so active I find it helps stop it racing out of control and my emotions getting the better of me, but it only works to a point, constant pressure from multiple facets can get too much as it did last month, and I need something stronger, much stronger!

If I could publicly announce the last 10 years of stress I've been under, I promise you most sane, non-disabled people would have lost the plot, it involves the police trying fit me up, abuse from bouncers and the police covering up crimes against me, including now politicians,
discrimination and humiliation at my work place, financial services... seriously stuff I could tell you would be front page headline news, but when did 'whistle blowers' ever prosper (I keep being told, by family), so I have a lot of hidden baggage, I am now seeking counseling to try to resolve.

That other post and my petition regarding the current car insurance fiasco is just the tip of the iceberg - that pushed me over the edge!

Interestingly it doesn't effect my 9 ball pool, I have won pub league trophies in my youth, it's only since hitting 40 and my eye-sight starting to go that I'm no where near as good as I used to be.

Though you don't need fine motor control to use a pool cue, you just need to have a good eye, aim straight and push a stick. Though gentle shots can be a bit tricky, always hit them a bit too hard or soft, because of the lack of fine motor control.

Hey I remember when I used to play pool @ 14 there was a guy who had Parkinson disease, he shook constantly and was always knocking the balls everywhere with his hands, you just told him to not worry and carry on and take his shot, either people were nicer in the 80's or it proves my point, just because I am not typical dyspraxic and don't wobble and flail about obviously, doesn't mean I don't have the condition.

 

[little maggie]

Not quoting your whole reply but yes it makes sense. I probably meet criteria for dyspraxia- my fine and gross motor have always been impaired and NLD just adds a bit more. Which is why I was confused about dyspraxia and vaping. But I also vape more for stress, insomnia etc. I just don't do it if I'm going to be in a situation where clumsiness would be a problem because it defeats the point of using it to relax.

 

[ginolicious]

I just read all of this. Moral of the story, OP wants the love and support from his mother on this.