Dealing with those in your life who hold a negative opinion of cannabis?

[throwawaytre3s]

Hey everyone. So lately, I've been going through a bunch of crap with my mother. She's come to live in my house for a while, and she complains that I vape in my own basement. I vape medicinally to help with muscle pain, since I convulse through the night. She just doesn't understand the benefits it provides, nor the fact that it isn't impacting my life negatively in any way. I can afford it, I don't blow money on new pieces or vapes all the time, and I don't have a massive tolerance. She's concerned that it's all I care about apparently. That and e-cigarettes?? I haven't vaped an ecig of my own in over a year? Or that all I do is hang out downstairs, despite the fact that it's where I study, vape, eat, relax, watch tv, play guitar, host friends, and use my computer? As if all I'm doing down here is hitting a bong. Keep in mind that I live here, she doesn't, I'm an adult with my own house!

So I'd like to know, how do you deal with it, the nay sayers and those who disapprove of your use, recreational or medically?

 

[Baron23]

Tell them to mind their own side of the street, for a start. Su casa, su decreto (your house, your rules)

 

[Fat Freddy]

Well, hard to know really what is at the core of the matter for your mother but it sounds like at least part of her displeasure is related to feeling left alone upstairs. Maybe try eating your meals with her and then watching some TV with her afterwards might make her feel better about your "subterranean homesick blues"?


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[lwien]

Keep in mind that I live here, she doesn't......

Also keep in my mind that she's your mother and as such, her primary motivation is you doing what is BEST for you. Nurturing and protection is in a mothers DNA. She can't help it and is only acting on what she thinks is right.

She's obviously misinformed and acting on information that SHE grew up with so my advice would NOT to be confrontational as @Baron23 stated above but rather educational by exposing her to all of the very qualified medical reports of the benefits of using cannabis to treat certain medical conditions along with the reports of how innocuous cannabis generally is.

And then........invite her downstairs to spend some quality time with her so she doesn't feel that you are trying to escape her presence and hide from her something that you are doing wrong.

 

[turk]

....good luck man...(assuming you are a guy...apologies if I'm incorrect)...mothers can be problematic...my mom once threw out a ounce of weed of mines...that I had purchased with my own money..but it was her house...flushed it down the toilet...big argument... I was pissed!...this happened in 1970...years later we laughed about it...just a moment in time....your relationship with your mom...will probably survive this experience..struggle with her...nobody loves u like your mom...

 

[throwawaytre3s]

Well, hard to know really what is at the core of the matter for your mother but it sounds like at least part of her displeasure is related to feeling left alone upstairs. Maybe try eating your meals with her and then watching some TV with her afterwards might make her feel better about your "subterranean homesick blues"?


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Well, the thing with that is, all she does is sit in her room and drink. All day when she's here. And she refuses to talk to my girlfriend, she says she's "cold-hearted" and makes her uncomfortable, despite the fact that they've said about five words to eachother. I've tried talking with her openly, getting her to eat when we cook dinner, but she's not interested in it.

 

[His_Highness]

I guess I'm lucky. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

@throwawaytre3s - You're a good person for opening your doors for your Mom like that. Based on your post I can tell you care for and about her.

My Dad was concerned for me when I took him in 20 years ago briefly. Me and a friend were painting a few rooms in my house and were hitting the bong. My Dad smelled it and after my friend left my Dad said he knew what I was doing, didn't like it and he thought I had grown out of it (He caught me smoking and dealing when I was younger).

I told him I loved him and was glad he cared enough to talk to me about it. I asked him if he was proud of me (already knew he was) and mentioned that I had been using steady since he caught me when I was 17. I already restricted my use to my home office in the basement to keep it out of the main part of the house and away from the kids.... but that day the wife and kids were out so I was getting high all over the house. I told him I would restrict my use to my home office if it bothered him so much but that I wasn't going to stop.

Last but not least .... I told him my job was stressful and required a lot of extra hours so I NEEDED to decompress and alcohol was out of the question because..... he had cirrhosis of the liver and I was afraid we were genetically predisposed since his Dad had it too. Long story short....my Dad talked to my wife about it in private and my wife said it was no big deal. My Dad always held my wife in high regard (maybe even higher than me) so that put an end to the matter.

Maybe you can try something similar....

 

[Fat Freddy]

Hmmmm.....if her drinking is excessive, as you seem to imply, then that is a whole other issue.

Could be her method of self-medicating for depression or similar emotional condition?

Maybe a visit to her physician?


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[syrupy]

Hey everyone. So lately, I've been going through a bunch of crap with my mother. She's come to live in my house for a while, and she complains that I vape in my own basement. I vape medicinally to help with muscle pain, since I convulse through the night.

What's her exact complaint? That it smells? That it's bad for you? That she's getting contact highs?

As a kid, I often heard from parents--"my roof, my way". Seems like that should apply. Don't mean to be harsh, but experience has shown me that drinkers rarely respond to subtlety. Sounds like she's going through some of her own demons. Best of luck with this difficult situation.

 

[lwien]

...all she does is sit in her room and drink.

Addictions can totally fuck up one's priorities. That puts a whole other spin on this situation. Man, tough situation. Wishing you the best, but I can tell you this which you probably already know and that is that an addict, especially when it's a family member, not only fuck up their own lives, but fuck up the lives of those around them as well. You may have to make some very tough decisions here.

 

[Esmeralda]

I am almost 60 and use herb for sleep and pain and, I admit it, for the high sometimes. My kids are in their mid 30's (twin daughters) and are staying with me and my husband for a bit. They just got back from teaching in Korea and are staying with us to help us get moved so for a couple of months.
They haven't said anything, but I can tell they do not approve. What can I say?

 

[syrupy]

They haven't said anything, but I can tell they do not approve. What can I say?

You may not need to say anything. Do you feel a need to win their approval over it? Or that something is at stake?

 

[j-bug]

So I've recently moved back in with my family as well to focus on my health and be able to not have to work as hard to just pay rent.

With my parents my mother has seen how my and my sister's lives are much healthier with cannabis in our lives than with it not in our lives.

I work from home and I typically work with my vape right next to my laptop and my father since he is not around the house as much thinks I "sit around and smoke pot all day and get nothing done." The reality is I never smoke, my sister does but she only come by the house occasionally and has started to use my Underdog instead of her piece or rolling a joint, and the days I'm not productive are when I feel shame around my medicine and don't use it. And those tend to be the days when my father has off work. I've started to use edibles more to avoid his judgement as I can do that without him being aware of it. Mainly I try to educate both of them on the benefits of cannabis when they are in a listening mood and about how different vaping is from smoking.

My mom has learned a lot quicker than my dad and wants my sister to stop smoking and to start vaping. I think vape related holiday gifts may be on the horizon from her.

Growing up I remember my parents urging both of us to stay away from drugs and talking about how addictive they are. For me I listened, but I think I learned a different lesson than they intended as I won't take the benzodiazepines and pain killers some doctors have wanted to prescribe me. That shit is dangerous.

Necessary for a lot of people and perhaps someday I'll need to use them instead of cannabis, if I end up being somewhere that access to good clean medicine isn't available then I'd use them. But in an area where the hardest part of getting my meds is doing an awful lot of math and reading an awful lot of menus to figure out where and when the best deals are that's not a problem.

I think my dad will come around. He's come so far already compared to when my sis and I were kids. He hasn't made any sarcastic comments in a bit over a week and for a while he'd make comments nearly every other day. I think gradually seeing how I suffer and struggle to concentrate through pain while not medicated and how I can be functional, happy, and in manageable levels of pain while medicated is winning him over.

Ideally, our family and friends care about us and want the best for us. Living and working in such a way that openly shows how cannabis enriches our lives is I think the best strategy for people who care about us. If they don't care then I don't think there's anything you can do or say to change their minds.

 

[HighSeasSailor]

Call me a callous bastard but if my mother or any other family member (much less any other guest) were staying with me and drinking in my house I would make it clear that she's not to criticize my personal activities, especially if I'm choosing to do them privately and not subjecting her to being around them.

When I was a little sailor, I questioned everything (I still do!). Specifically, why were mom and dad making the rules? The best answer I got was that it's their house, they pay the bills, that makes them lord and master/mistress, no if ands or buts, and - this is key - the same privileges would be mine when I was in the same position. You pay the bills, you write the rules.

If there are other problems that have to be addressed then I can't advise, no one will know better than you what's what in that case. But I can assure you that you're not in the wrong for expecting your personal choices to be respected.

 

[momofthegoons]

Well, the thing with that is, all she does is sit in her room and drink. All day when she's here.

Besides the fact that your mom has bought into some serious anti pot propaganda (or watched too much of 'That Seventies Show') she has a serious problems of her own. And as @lwien said, people with addiction problems fuck up everything around them; including your life.

I don't know the circumstances surrounding why she's staying with you, but trying to get her to understand and accept your lifestyle may not happen. She's in denial (most likely) about her own issues and is impaired most of the time. I wouldn't even take the time to try to explain right now. My efforts would be more towards getting her out of your house so that you can go back to the adult lifestyle you have earned.

 

[lwien]

When I was a little sailor, I questioned everything (I still do!). Specifically, why were mom and dad making the rules? The best answer I got was that it's their house, they pay the bills, that makes them lord and master/mistress, no if ands or buts,.....

See, that's the problem right there. They gave you the wrong answer. The right answer is, "Because you're the kid and I'm the parent. End of story."

 

[DDave]

And then........invite her downstairs to spend some quality time with her so she doesn't feel that you are trying to escape her presence and hide from her something that you are doing wrong.

This is some sound advice!

She needs to know you're not hiding downstairs with the 'picture' of what we have from most depictions of drug use in movies and TV... passed out, needle hanging out of a vein, etc..

 

[HighSeasSailor]

See, that's the problem right there. They gave you the wrong answer. The right answer is, "Because you're the kid and I'm the parent. End of story."

Why is the right answer to dismiss a child with a transparently weak argument based on biological coincidence? I didn't accept that when I was a kid, I resented it and thought the adults who told me that were real assholes for treating me like such a moron, and I gave back in kind.

As an adult, I look back and think that my resentment was pretty well justified and have sought to avoid treating children that way myself, whether mine or someone else's. Earnest questions deserve sincere and well thought out answers - garbage in, garbage out, if you feed a kid bullshit, expect them to be full of shit as an adult.

Such thinking also leads to children slavishly obeying their parents as adults even when their parents are clearly in the wrong. I hope above all that my children have been imbued with the sense to make up their own minds about whether their old man is wrong, and to do what they know is right if I am.

 

[Esmeralda]

You may not need to say anything. Do you feel a need to win their approval over it? Or that something is at stake?

Oh that was totally a rhetoric question. If they don't like it, they can get their own place!
Actually they told me they were mostly surprised as I was so very anti-drug when they were growing up (as much for the company they were keeping for awhile actually) but other than one of them being allergic to any kind of smoke, they said they totally understand the medicinal part of it anyway.

 

[lwien]

Why is the right answer to dismiss a child with a transparently weak argument based on biological coincidence?

Ok, you want a stronger one? How 'bout this? "I brought you into this world. I can just as easily take you out."

 

[HighSeasSailor]

Ok, you want a stronger one? How 'bout this? "I brought you into this world. I can just as easily take you out."

I got that one too.

I actually told them to do it. If they wanted me dead, kill me. I was rather dramatic as a child, but they didn't threaten to do that anymore. Or sell me into slavery, after I asked what my options were and what kind of work I'd have to do there. Or send me to China, after I said that sounds like outright fun. To be fair, I never did call child services on them to report the "obvious abuse"* when they handed me the phone and said go for it, so sometimes a bit of "put up or shut up" works wonders for everyone involved.

Nope, in the end just telling me that I COULD have all that authority, just as soon as I find enough income to obtain a place of my own and someone willing to rent/sell to me, was all it took to straighten my smartass out. Seemed perfectly fair to me, at least as fair as was within their power to make it.

*I was not abused. This is told from the eyes of a bastardly child.

 

[hossthehermit]

Find some old guy to throw a bone into her .................

 

[looney2nz]

I've experienced both ends of the spectrum, along with a shift that has taken probably 10 years.

My Dad and I live together (he's 90, we call it the 'Gimpy & Gimpier' show).
He saw what happened during the couple years they were using me as a BigPharma experiment.
He saw what happened when I started vaping, baking and learning everything I could about this wonderful plant And he generally already knows or has met the people I've helped advocate for.
Hell, he even helped represent patients testifying on my behalf in our local city council meeting to keep the 1st dispensary to open here many years ago.

On the OTHER hand, other elements of my family, both nuclear and extended, took a much more hostile approach and I became the newest of 'black sheep' in my clan.
Condescension, disdain, sanctimonious judgement... truly staggering

But now a crack has appeared, a slice of these folks now view me as 'Professor Cannabis'
and periodically approach me to help one of their friends.
The rest still cling to their ignorance and ill-informed emotional judgement (supports their rationale of the world). I can't change them, I don't have the energy to try anymore.

If they approach me and want to learn, fine...

My only suggestion is if the smell of the vape is a trigger for these conflicts, I'd check out the various gadgets available for odor control like 'Sploofy' or 'Smoke Buddy'.

 

[His_Highness]

If Mom is drinking all day there's boredom, possible depression, loneliness and of course plain old alcoholism. These symptoms may require your Mom to strike out at something, anything, and your MJ use might just be an easy target. She may be thinking irrationally that "I'm all alone and it's because you're down there smoking that shit all the time". When what might actually be happening is that her drinking limits her socialization because she can't socialize in way that allows people to be around her. Self imposed exile? Guess what I'm trying to say is....she may be lonely, drunk and angry on a daily basis and not even realize she is causing it herself.

Does she drink to get drunk? If so, what kind of drunk is she? A happy drunk is one thing and a nasty drunk is quite another. People can be around a happy drunk till it gets old but most can't be around a unhappy drunk for even a minute. Does she drink till she passes out?

Just curious @throwawaytre3s .... if you had the time and were willing...would your Mom feel it was OK for you to drink all day with her? If so...that double standard says a great deal about her mental state.

 

[lwien]

To be fair, I never did call child services on them to report the "obvious abuse"*

Ok, I have no idea what your childhood was like and what kind of household you grew up in, but my twin boys grew up in a VERY loving and nurturing environment. I also NEVER said those things to them in anger. It was always kind of tongue-in-cheek and they knew that and laughed almost every time I said it.

So, without the context, a parent can say those things without it being abusive at all.

I told my boys that I loved them every time they left the house and every time they went to sleep. They knew and know where my heart is. To this day, 35 years later, they still get the hugs and the "I love you" 's every time we part or hang up the phone. And, the I love you's isn't enough unless they're supported by actions and those actions happened all the time.

How one raises their children is a LOT more encompassing than what is said when they ask you why they have to follow your rules. As with most things, context is paramount.